Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

[sgctxok]

Yes, don't do it. Let your W tell them about her intentions.

You are doing an outstanding job, and I love your ask me anything night. I wish I had more of that with my parents, aunts, uncles....

[Tread]

Go ahead and tell them. It's not about punishing your W, but her learning that her actions have consequences. She choose to abandon her family for OM. Therefore you don't feel the need to be around her.

[sandi2]

Help needed: I'm going to tell my kids D21, S17, S11 that W has OM in her life now and so it does not make sense for her to hang with us. I need to put up a firmer boundary. How do I say this without making it sound like I'm punishing her. I need to say that it's clear that W is not interested in restoring our family so we will need to stop acting like one.

Well, I am not the best in wording things, but I'm afraid your statements sound bitter and as if you are trying to get the kids to side against their mom.

Perhaps something like, "Since Mom has been seeing someone else, I currently feel a bit uncomfortable when she comes over to join in some of our activities. Untill things change, let's set Saturday breakfasts as our time to share with each other.......talk about our week, what's coming up, or whatever you want to talk about. How do you guys feel about it? Would that be okay to try for awhile?"

This way, you have told them the truth, without making their mother sound like a horrible person that doesn't want to be with her children. It is Biggy who doesn't want her there, so don't make sound otherwise.

[Maximus]

Hi BB

I do not know your full sutuation so please bear with me.

Your first explanation W has OM in her life now and so it does not make sense for her to hang with us would suffice with some tweaks. The I need to say that it's clear that W is not interested in restoring our family so we will need to stop acting like one is the expresion of bitterness and sarcasm that children can do without.

I think you should never make it about "we" but "me". Saying that mom has found someone else so it makes no sense to continue with memakes it more about the 2 of you and not that she has an issue with them. Even if she did.

I have known women whose husbands left them and neglected their children for a while or permanently. Fantastic women but there were those who used the kids as a weapon or bargaining tool and those that defended "daddy" whatever was happening with their R.

IMHO Even if a parent neglects a kid, there is no need for the LBS to hammer it in with "daddy doesnt love us" expressions. The LBC (Left Behind Child) who will have his heart broken by his parent at some stage if that is how it is going should feel and see it for themselves. Your job should be one of solace, comfort and protection. Not validation.

Children at certain ages with break ups have insecurity, pain, confusion, anger .

The examples I have found to work are those where the child was told the situation with sincerity, without the harsh reality. That will unfortunately come later as the new life unfolds.

Hope to have made some sense.

Peace

[bigybiz]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I hear you loud and clear about the bitterness. No question - it's not what you say it's how you say it. It got me to thinking, isn't the real message that I will start building a new family dynamic for us - a family that does not include W. Truly it's about me - so what is next for me is ... and this is how it will impact my children.

Thoughts

[Maximus]

HI B,

Im sorry but I dont quite understand what you mean.

Parallel to your comments I have a question ... what goals have you set?

Peace

[bigybiz]

Maximus:

Thanks for your post. Some of the comments I received mentioned that when talking to my kids, I should put the focus on me not on we. I won't have W here. Not We won't be ...

What occurred to me what I should be saying is: I'll be taking the family in a new direction without W. I think that is a more positive statement.

What do you think?

Regarding goals. I'm so glad you asked that. When I first got on the DB site early 2016. I posted my goals and I was encouraged to set them aside. It's been so long since I've given them any thought. I think I'll look back and see if I can find them. It maybe time to relook at them.

[Melo]

Great point Maximus. Biz, The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. That's the one we should be focused on.

[Maximus]

Hi BB,

I think you are on the right track. You obviously need to plan things with your kids but without your W. You just don't need to explain or rub it in each time.

If you plan a trip without W do it but dont tell them "we are going without W because she prefers to be with Om, bla bla bla"

They understand.

As for goals, it is normal. At first it is damage control, then creating a base and then begin the rebuilding.

Start setting simple baby step gaols and the easier they become achieveable become more ambitious.

Peace

[bigybiz]

Melo: So good to hear from you. How are you doing? You were really a comforting voice for me way back in 2016.