Went out with H and the boys. Not for me or for H but for my oldest. He wouldn't go unless I went.
It was pretty hard for me afterwards. In the moment I was okay but when I came home I found myself extremely sad that H could not want this anymore. That he saw me so terribly or hated me so much that he is okay with these things not being in his future.
He stayed the night last night. I didn't act on any of these feelings. The baby was more irritable than normal for his 1am witching hour. H just sat on the couch while I was in the room. I didn't bring him to him last night and he didn't come in. I did go out there and ask him to wake me up in 30 minutes if I fell asleep because I was holding the baby.
H got prequalified for his mortgage. So scary that he continues to tell me he doe t have the money to do anything. I don't understand the lying like he's just taking space but in reality he's planning his whole new life.
I'm off to school today. I want to feel better. How do people let go? How do you stop looking at someone and feeling all the feelings you have felt for them the last 13 years. How do you stop looking at them and just wanting to scream can't we figure this out? Look at our beautiful family.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/22/1701:25 AM. Reason: fix link
Why are you so convinced it is you that is causing him to make this decision?
This man is not happy with himself.
let me ask you, do YOU think you were such a horrible wife or person that he HAD to do this?
I see this as a man who wants no true responsibility in his life. I honestly think he is freaking about about being a dad to 3 kids which means lots of sacrifices on his part. No working at all hours, concerts, trips....... he is really struggling with his responsibilities.
You can own your side of the street, but you can't own his.
Yeah I agree with Ginger. He sounds like he's starting a MLC and wants to escape his life full of responsibilities. It always makes me a little angry to hear about so-called men walking out on their wives and new babies like this, but it certainly happens a lot. I guess some men imagine marriage to be dinner waiting on the table every evening followed by sex and a backrub as they go to sleep? These guys need to man-up and own their responsibilities instead of storming out and leaving a path of wreckage in their wake. But I digress...
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I want to feel better. How do people let go? How do you stop looking at someone and feeling all the feelings you have felt for them the last 13 years. How do you stop looking at them and just wanting to scream can't we figure this out? Look at our beautiful family.
Of course you want to feel better!! Who would ever wish this misery on themselves? It's awful! But just like grieving the loss of a loved one, recovery takes time. How much time varies from person-to-person, but it's usually a lot longer than we hope or expect. In my case I thought I was good after about a year, but looking back I think it was more like 2 years to fully recover. And really, like losing a loved one you never really "fully recover" from it. You just learn how to live with it and move on. But at first your goal is to just get through one day. And if that sounds like too much, then just get through the next hour. Don't spend time spinning on the future right now, just concentrate on here and now and getting through it a little at a time.
Because he tells me that it's me... that he has tried so hard and he just can't be happy with me.
So Until I have concrete proof of OW I just leave it be? And Train - I think I remember saying you went with your H and did things together with the kids.
Do I continue to do those things? He hasn't made a schedule or anything do I just continue to let him dictate when he comes by?
I feel so lost on what I should be doing or what my plan of action is ... i feel like the clock is ticking on him buying a house
T0, on my way to work and don't have much time but wanted to know we're all here rooting for you.
Let go of the ticking clock on the house purchase idea. This is totally focused on him, his actions, his choices, etc. As long as you focus on that you will end up trying to control his behavior which won't work for either of you. It will drive him further and further away and it will hurt you more and more.
You really have to get that he is his own person and gets to make his own choices, and you can LET HIM. In exchange, you are your own person and you get to make your own choices. Do you want to choose to be a person that tries to control her spouse (either through begging/pleading or anger/confrontation)? Or do you want to be the person that says to herself, "well, that [censored], guess I will take care of myself and baby and start rebuilding my life without WAH"?
The reason I am against confrontation is I don't see any way it is not coming from a place of controlling at this moment. And if you take out the goal of control, there really isn't much to say to WAH at all anymore, is there? Sure, in a week or two maybe if things are calm you can piece out a schedule. But for today there's not a lot to say.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I think I remember saying you went with your H and did things together with the kids. Do I continue to do those things? A couple/few times, yes, I did. I looked at those times as opportunities to show H the changes that I had made in myself - namely, that I was taking better care of myself without him than I ever did when I was with him. These are the times when I challenged myself to become the OW to the OW; I worked super-hard to remove any stress or pressure, not only to accommodate my H but because this is the person I really wanted to strive to be ... or at least improve in those ways. (FTR, those changes have stuck; things are FAR less stressful around the house now because I don't let things get to me - read: have to control everything around me - like I used to.)
Just as importantly (if not more important) were the times when I declined H's invitations to join him and the kids. And it was so gratifying when I told H with a sweet, mysterious smile on my face: "no thanks; I have plans." This would be the moment when you want to look and smell your very best ... maybe have a fresh manicure and a new pair of earrings in. I can't stress enough the confidence-boost that a new hair cut/style can give! I don't care how many layers of makeup you have to throw on to conceal those bags under your eyes from nights of crying and no sleep, this is the time to sparkle and shine!
To be honest, the thought certainly occurred to me that I was doing all this ^^^ to manipulate him. But the true consequence, as intended, ended up being a boost to MY self-confidence and PMA. I felt better, stronger, more capable and better poised to take on the world ... all by myself.
Someone else suggested that you hold-off on going places with H and the kids until you're mentally/emotionally prepared. I agree with that to an extent, but I tend to think it would take too long to be truly "prepared," and you do want/need those opportunities now. Just make sure you're prepared to put on some MAJOR game face if you go. Drop your victim mentality. Drop your expectations.
i feel like the clock is ticking on him buying a house Possibly. But you can't allow this to be a benchmark for you.
Stop worrying about H's next move ... and start planning YOURS.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
The house thing isn't a control issue for me... as much as it is the permanent decision of him leaving me behind.
I don't really care about his purchases as he bought the motorcycle without involving me. He pretty much gets to do what he wants comes and goes as he pleases even before BD.
How do I save my M? What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost ... part of me wants to shake him and say what are you doing we have this beaitudo family. Why aren't we enough ??? The other part of me wants to say I know what you've been doing I know what you're up to please don't insult my intelligence and walk away.
*fist bumps*