Here again part 7

[T384]

Previous thread. My hyperlink never works so Cadet I'm footy in advance

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2744816#Post2744816

Not much to say.

I am just trying to get by and get my school work done and be a good mom

[Train]

T,

To answer your last question:

No. There's no hope for this M.

And here's the more important question: Do you WANT there to be hope for *this* M?!?

Look at what your H is doing to you! This is NOT a M. This is you carrying a sh!t-load of weight while H gets his family and his fun on the side.

You need a *healthy* M. Right now, you don't have that. You have to flip the script.

I'll try to expound more later, but if I were you, I wouldn't mention the concert anymore. I'd tell H that I'm not available to watch the children for him to leave so early because I already had plans that I had told him about, and I would strongly encourage my parents to text back that they aren't available to watch the children, either.

What better time than the present for H to start learning how to be a single parent? I mean, that IS what he said he wants, right?!?

[T384]

Hey train,

You're right I don't want this M.

So I decided to leave the house in case H did come home and in case he was going to pack or what not.

So we were gone when he got home. My dad text me that he wasn't packing anything. I got a text from H asking what we wanted for dinner. I just said we already ate. Then he asks what time we're coming home. I haven't responded yet. I know. I have to answer these questions for legal purposes because the kids are in my care.

But damn can you just leave me be and quit trying to act like now you care about the kids.

I did have my parents respond .. my mom told him I had already asked her last week and she has a bridal shower

He continues to text me multiple ??? If I don't respond within 5 minutes he's sending all these ??

I can sense he's starting to lose his patience. I don't have to respond immediately to every text

[T384]

Eli he just text me that he wanted to know where we were. Asked if he could come by and say goodbye to the kids that he was leaving and going to stay with a friend until he got his own place

I just said I don't think coming here to tell them he's leaving is a good idea they are having fun with their friend. He said well have them all me to say goodnight. I said that he needed to tell them in person he wasn't coming home anymore and that I would bring them home shortly. He responded that he already left and would talk to them about it another time.

[25yearsmlc]

talk to a counselor about how to tell the kids. I THINK it's supposed to be done together and later on they'll figure out what they figure out. Plus, I really do believe boys somehow emulate their dads unless they have a positive role model substituting for a bad one.

Maybe someday you and your h will make a different marriage or at least a good r

or maybe you'll meet a healthy man and commit to him. But yes, imo THIS m, is done. I totally believe that.

I know that hurts. Good God, I know...and I'm so sorry. I say this very carefully too, T0.

For now though, re the kids, - Don't play a game about making your h pay for his choices or trying to teach him a lesson -( even if you believe in that)

this is about the kids. Somehow you have to present that they will be FINE and they will see both parents and both parents love them, etc

but as I said, talk to a child psychologist and get on the same page as your h.

For real.

((( )))

[Train]

T,

I can only tell you what I did:

I immediately (politely but FIRMLY) set a schedule with H re: our children's schedules. I used the traditional court schedule for full custody/visitation. Since H was the one choosing to leave, I told him that if he disagreed with the schedule, he could get the courts involved to change said schedule. And I refused to deviate from that schedule, no matter the spew that came my way. I wasn't ugly about it. H, however, *was*. I just let his spew roll off my back. To him, it may have come across as me being controlling. And, to an extent, I can still sympathize with how he felt. I still, however, stand by what I did. I was the only parent at the time who had my children's best interest at heart, and I was dang sure going to take that job seriously ... especially considering I had found out that H had taken the kids to see OW before I found out about her. Um, NO.

I only answered H's texts that asked a question about the children. I applied KISS (keep it short and simple). Basically: yes or no.

And I did something that some others disagree with (which is fine): I was honest with my children when they asked why dad was gone. I still stand by that decision. I never felt it was my job to protect my H or his image to my children. If he had cared about that, he would have protected it better himself. For the record: he's back, and my son - who, at 7, was the youngest at the time everything happened - is still madly in love with his father and admires him deeply. But as a family, we are not afraid to have conversations about what happened ... and about how even grown-ups can make mistakes ... and about how we can hold our loved ones accountable and still love them.

[T384]

I told the kids tonight that h wasn't going to be at home and that he wouldn't be sleeping at our house. That he and I would sit down and talk with them.

I'm going to have them call to say goodnight. My oldest already knew sometthing was up. He sounded so happy when they called him to say goodnight. My oldest asked where he was. He said his bosses. He said why are you there. H said because I have to work.

My dad was here when he left. He only took a few things and left most of his stuff. Which is what he did last time. He just bought all new stuff.

He told my dad goodbye and said he was leaving to go stay at his bosss house. Just like last time staying with the boss. This time this one is a female. She's going through a divorce too.

My dad didn't yell or anything just told him he was going to try and be civil that there a a lot of hurt feelings and how this goes is going to depend on H.

He said he knew and it would work out best for everyone and left.

I haven't said anything to him. Didn't get on the phone when the boys called or didn't say anything about him leaving through text when he told me.

[T384]

Hey train sorry I missed your post.

I did tell he kids. I know others won't agree and H will have to tell them more but they deserved to know he wasn't going to be coming home anymore



I know he expected me to lash out. The last time we talked he after he said he was done and moving out. He told me he was going to take a few days with his mom to clear his head keep an open mind and not make a rash decision. That's where we left it Monday.

Then today he does this like a coward and leaves when we aren't home. Leaves without having the decency to be a man and a dad. Knowing I have to be up at 5am and what this is going to do to me tonight when I have to get up with the baby and be up at 5 for school

I mean you go from asking what we want to do for dinner to 10 minutes later saying you're going to stay at your boss house.

I've been dealing with a screaming baby for the last hour. I'm about ready to call H and rip his head off for sticking me with everything. Our 3 boys our 3 dogs this house everything. I know not to call him. I won't. But my blood is boiling that I'm left to deal with it all while he goes to live the bachelor life. Then he texts me. 'Thank you for having them call me '

I'm sure his head is spinning I didn't react crying or begging or yelling. Or he thinks we're going to be friends. He sees how close my parents are and they're D. My dad said that's what H thinks it's going to be like.

[OwnIt]

Completely understandable. Mine slunk off like a coward after we met with a counselor and specifically agreed when we would tell them and how. Instead I had to do it. I was truthful (they knew about the affair, the OW1 and the hostility in the home).

You had the kids call him for the kids sake. Ignore that he got anything out of it.

I am still resentful that he left me holding everything and responsible for everything. I'm guessing that like me, that was your role in the marriage so probably nothing is all that different.

Nigths will be tough in the beginning, but hopefully you will be so tired you will sleep. It gets easier every day. I bought new bedding to not cycle on having to see that and filled his part of the closet and bathroom so I didn't see a void every day.

Scream when you are driving, cry in the shower. Try not to let the kids see you hurting because that is what will bring them pain. I wish I had been better about that. I did the best I could but sometimes it overcame me. They did tell the counselor that seeing me in pain was the hardest thing for them.

You are a much tougher cookie than I and you have endured so much and keep on fighting. You will get through this. Lean on your dad and your friends.

[Train]

Well, it can only be like that when both parents have a reason to respect each other. Your parents obviously learned how to co-parent, and they have respect for one another. Their D clearly wasn't hostile. Or they've learned to move past it.

That ^^^ doesn't just happen. It occurs when both parties are responsible and put the lives they've created FIRST ... above their own.

T, YOU put your children's lives above yours. That has been clear as a bell since the first post I saw of yours years ago.

Your H?

Pffft. He wouldn't know how to put someone's needs ahead of his own if his life depended on it.

So if he thinks you and he will "naturally" have the kind of relationship that your parents have, I'd evil-laugh in his face.

Not even close.

He's got a lot to learn.

No day like today to start helping Life teach him!