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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2743446#Post2743446

Just thought I'd start a new thread so Job doesn't have to tell me.

The topics covered in part 3 ranged a lot. Huge perspective shifts within me, like 2 steps forward, 1 step back and 2 sideways...

Of course still NO contact from h (which is his MO and for now it's what I prefer. But after 35 years of marriage to have had ONE brief conversation with h, is bordering on the insane. Talk about a fast replacement...)

Re D19, h cut her off for anymore college tuition (which is less/different than how we treated our older kids), and just a lousy thing to do.

Says "your mom (me, 25) can help pay HER share for your college with the spousal support I pay" --

WHICH HE IS NOT PAYING AT ALL & WHICH H IS FIGHTING IN COURT.... cry


Weirdly, He wrote her (in an actual letter dated a month earlier) that her "being on your own so soon in life will end up being a good experience in independence"

for her and he listed his contributions to her like health insurance (sorry, but is paying for our kids medical insurance when they are 19, something we have to applaud & admire, now??) cry

then h wrote "Call anytime. Love, Dad"....


To ME, that's^^ an insane, self serving letter

or is it cruel? I cannot tell anymore with h. The fb posts with him and the "love of his life" are so offensive to me that I had to step back and say "wait, it might NOT be cruel so much as crazy AND cruel..."

Because what person with a gene for empathy, would not know in advance that's a lousy thing to post?

MOST IMPORTANTLY - what difference does it make? MLC or Narcissist or a lousy guy I didn't recognize earlier, or I'm co-dependent or I was too complacent and or my own fears of being alone, -

I was committed to h and to my m, and i was loyal. But clearly I made mistakes or I would not be here now.

all that matters is his behavior $ucks. It's not acceptable. I don't want it. I don't like this man, and I certainly don't love him.

He has a dark, ugly side that is at present, running his show.

More R-cap

H, (the MD), continues to pretend he is "retired" and thus argues he is not willing or able to comply with the court orders from late January. Thus no support...nice...

He's been seen recently at office functions which is not what retired folks do, but unless I ask that person to sign an affidavit saying she saw him there AND that it somehow proves he's still working, I'm not sure what to do there. Saying "hire a PI" sounds good but I need income. I have already borrowed from my sister, God bless her.

H lost in court but he's winning in real life...what a terrible process we have.


DATING

I swing back & Forth on dating, and I worry about my kids as they say on one hand,
"mom of course you don't 'need' a man"

But they ask me often about whether I'm dating. I do think they want the best for me and in a way , "on paper" H is winning this stupid contest feeling situation. More later...

. D19 is openly gay and looks sort of Peter Pan like. At a political rally near Mother's Day, she was assaulted and then defended herself, and she and the idiot were both arrested (probably to keep both crowds calm, in fairness to the police)> all of this is on film.

Then The idiot failed to show up in court so there's a warrant for his arrest AND he has other warrants out of his arrest for similar charges. This is what this guy does. He's twice my kids' size and he's 29...rumor has it that he is PAID to target, provoke and harass and then attack, people like my d19. Nice.

But until we have a chance to show the DA these pics and film, I'm going to have to hire a L up there. Might be 2-3 more steps. I AM A Lawyer (from another state & have not practiced in decades)

After seeing the procedures in D19's state, (college town) my being an out state AND out of practice lawyer will NOT help me be the hero and rescue her. Believe me, I wish.

So it'll just cost more money. And no h has not been told. Politically, and personally I guess, d19 sees the attacker as "just another man" who hurt her. H has politics different from d19 but in fairness, h would not want our kids hurt obviously But it Makes me sad.

AND I'm so angry at the injustice of this AND for our children and so baffled

and I need to learn how to live with this anger -don't want that- or process it or lessen it or let it go OR something! it's exhausting. I mean it, I notice a day or two after I'm FURIOUS, I'm really tired...

My health issues remain - The meds I'm on for another year do have side effects. Sorry...

However it also kills me to know that if I had had a stroke last fall when I was sooooo sick, where would h be? Where would I be??


He did not have my back and folks, I mean, I was in the ICU and he practically fled. "Monitored the situation" from the other coast... The one time I truly was vulnerable - HOW on earth can he live with himself? How can he compartmentalize THAT???

These^^^ are the questions I struggle with,

AND asking these questions, is among the stupidest wastes of time in my life.


there are NO "good" answers, nothing will fix my feelings about his cad like behavior. In my fog, his indifference or supreme selfishness was both repellent and clarifying.

Issue number 1 - am I protecting myself legally and financially as best I can?

NO I HAVE NOT...

Have I gotten my kid legal help OR financial help with college?

No I have not.

Have I processed my pain and begun to heal? Well, it has started. I'm awake now, that's for sure.

So I guess I have my work cut out for me

and sometimes just writing it out helps.

Thanks for listening...

((( )))

Last edited by Cadet; 06/05/17 05:39 PM. Reason: Link

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 1,064
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25, you are constantly trying to "ground" me and make sure I am keeping perspective so I will offer you something here: I, too, struggle with this idea of "losing". Not that I am "losing" my W and feel like I need to "win" her back or to "win" some sort of possession contest with the OM, but what the system and the divorce process is very likely to end up meaning for me if, as seems the odds-on likely (though not yet certain) outcome, my W and I should split. I foresee a sitch where I, as the primary breadwinner, end up paying spousal support for her (I make a little more than 3x annually what she does, though her salary is a major boost to us that really helps us keep our head above water what with all our med bills) as well as giving up, I believe, half of my retirement pension. Coupled with the added expense of living apart, this will mean my dreams of retirement in four years when kids finish college are pretty much kaput and that I will likely work until, idunno, somewhere around 70, all the while (potentially) financing her and her A with the OM (who has a fairly inconsequential income and is not doubt salivating at the prospect of dating a woman who will be able to tap into my support and benefit payments). Doubt he would be stupid enough to marry her under those circumstances. All the while my dreams of a happy, carefree retirement off doing fun things with my beautiful wife after all those gruelling years of raising two special-needs children will die a cruel death.

And its not like, in the big scheme of things, the money means that much to me. I would of course give it all up and live in a box if she would come back and live there with me. It will just be added salt in the wound to have to cut that check every month, bleeding me dry while supporting her and the deadbeat OM who would be (presumably) sleeping with the woman I love. Ouch. Some system.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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25, your story saddens me every time I hear it. What a douche. Something that might make you feel better, though, is that a friend of my W's had a similar situation... he started a business but it was in OW's name, and he "had no income". Paid no alimony or child support for almost 15 years. My friend pursued him relentlessly, through three countries, numerous PI's, finding accounts in the Caymans, records showing his employment, etc. After her daughter graduated from college, she was able to prove he was a deadbeat dad and failed to comply with numerous court orders even though he was financially able. He wound up paying her about $1.5M and served a few months in jail for contempt.

What are you doing to pay the bills in the meantime? I assume you are polishing the law degree and starting to work as a lawyer again. I hope so. I've found that I need to "think less and do more", and going back to work will probably be a good distraction, as well as a good way to meet people in your new city.

And Hoosjim, I feel for you. All my hopes and dreams for the future... gone in a puff of smoke.... I think we all pretty much feel that way.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Hoos,,
Anyhow, I'd rather be the higher earner than the lower, trust me there. Not to mention I earned a law degree & had school debt and a career. But we moved 9 times for h's career, versus 0 moves for my career.

H's resume is pristine; mine's less than the resume of a new law school grad, b/c they'd at least be young and starting out...but if I spiral anymore in this vein, I'll wallow.


Anyhow, You can put a no cohabitation clause in your Decree if it comes to it and YOU can remarry someone who earns more than the OM does, obviously. So While your w would lose some alimony by remarrying, chances are you'd gain income a) if she remarries and b) if you marry someone working outside the home.

Don't discount that^^.


Also Are your kids special needs? If so, who will watch your sons when it's her time to hang out? How inconvenient for her. How Unfun....

My complaint about the system is that I won a fair amount of TEMPORARY support in the court (and am struggling with some health issues I never had before)

and h fought even that
...and it has cost us both a lot already. But after the court again gave me "round 2", h Claims he quit a high 6 figure job to avoid paying me...unbelievable.

Talk about cutting his nose off. AND No I do not believe he retired. There are ways to hide income when you want to buy into a practice.

Which makes him a horrible person and even if he did retire, you mean to say you'd quit the GREATEST JOB EVER, to avoid temporarily paying me 1/4 of it?

Who does that? I cannot decide which is worse, lying about income or actually refusing it to punish me...

The "System" is that even though there's a court order in place, so what?

As long as he can hide wages all i can do is HOPE to get my half of the retirement BUT I am not old enough to use it for 2 more years- I only hope he has not grabbed it and squandered it on OW or God knows where...

h is not a good investor, btw. I invested our savings years ago and thanks to the choices I made (which bored h, but at least he gave me free rein on those monies, as opposed to the financial secrets he kept)

"Dear H, The wealth we do have is not thanks to your GOLD RUSH Alaskan income...

You're welcome,
25"


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Dec 2016
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Wow, sorry to hear about your D 25. That's ridiculous...in regards to both the political rally and trying to get help from H to pay for college. Hope both of these things work out in the end for you.

Quote:
The fb posts with him and the "love of his life" are so offensive to me that I had to step back and say "wait, it might NOT be cruel so much as crazy AND cruel..."


Just out of curiosity, is there a reason why you are seeing his posts? Are you searching for them or have you just not "un-followed" him at this point and they still pop up in your feed? I'm dealing with the same, so eventually I had to block her and the OM. There is no reason why I need to see those things and I don't think you do either.

There are a lot of things to vent about, sorry... Are there any positives?


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
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Jim

that does (mostly) make me feel better. In the justice sense. In the marital sense I am perhaps always (??) going to wonder who h became.

H must have had some seething hidden resentments that festered into things I literally don't think happened at all or are so wildly distorted it's ALMOST laughable.

Plus the resentments tend to support their self serving narratives so that somehow, h is angry at ME.

That is rich with irony.

But a year ago he snapped about something and I recall wondering why HE would do that b/c in that moment, he had just done something irresponsible and had in some way let me down. I don't recall it much but it was something that objectively speaking meant he had dropped the ball in some way and it hurt my feelings. I know at the time I had not complained or b1tched b/c I recall being a little proud of how well I had handled the hurt...


So When he snapped at me a few minutes later I said "whoah, h, why are you mad at me?"

Honest to God h said, "because you are mad at me".

To which I replied, "h, first off, I'm not 'mad'. I'm upset, but rather than lashing out, why don't you just ask me what's upsetting, and we can explore that, rather than escalating this way?"

H looked at me as if it was the first time this idea had crossed his mind. Like we had never ever communicated normally in our lives...


SIDENOTE-- people, we were happily married for years and years and would NEVER have had this type of ^^ goofy immature exchange our first 25 years.

Something in him changed or he began to lie or feel shame, which always always converted into blame.

and yet...what difference does it all make now?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: Bdog37
Wow, sorry to hear about your D 25. That's ridiculous...in regards to both the political rally and trying to get help from H to pay for college. Hope both of these things work out in the end for you.

Quote:
The fb posts with him and the "love of his life" are so offensive to me that I had to step back and say "wait, it might NOT be cruel so much as crazy AND cruel..."


Just out of curiosity, is there a reason why you are seeing his posts? Are you searching for them or have you just not "un-followed" him at this point and they still pop up in your feed? I'm dealing with the same, so eventually I had to block her and the OM. There is no reason why I need to see those things and I don't think you do either.

There are a lot of things to vent about, sorry... Are there any positives?


Uh, I blocked h long ago, and never once looked at h's posts nor did I stalk OW (or know about OW till recently).

Unless it helps legally, I'm not interested in knowing of h & OW's life. For the most part I can say that the people who told me about OW and h's posts, had my interests at heart.

In hindsight however, I think If I had known of OW earlier, I would have reacted differently, legally. And Moved emotionally faster too, I suppose.

Here on this thread, I was merely venting.

I lost my mom 18 months ago, last child went off to college, I moved again (for h's job in CA )

then 7 months ago I was thrown a curve ball health care problem, H went to Alaska & cut me off financially, which I did NOT expect and which I was poorly prepared for as I was just released from the ICU of a neuro ward from which 40% of the patients never leave,

I filed for divorce, moved cross country with the help of my family, h fights every cent of the D and even money he's suggested he'd pay, he has not. He replaced our whole family quite publicly and frankly, it's been a damn rough year. And this is not my first round of DBing but it will be my last.

But yes, Of course there are positives.
(But For half an hour I just wanted to whine. Besides, it can help organize oneself).

Anyhow, I am a free woman with electricity and food and shelter, I am smart, I make myself and loved ones laugh b/c I'm damn funny, I am surrounded by people who love me. I am making a full medical recovery. I will find meaningful work, i will travel again, my children are kind, smart people who are also hilarious. And healthy. We are close. Someday I will live near them again.

I like living alone (no offense to my dog, who lives with me and really should count) I love my neighborhood as I am basically an urban hipster now. In time if I want, I know I will have romantic love in my life again.

This ordeal I am in, is also something I will learn to embrace b/c what choice is there?


The truth however is that I'm in a $h1tstorm at the moment. No "gold plating the grit", as Brene Brown says.

I'm resolute b/c I was put in an impossible situation and did what I must.

I'm at peace b/c I know I am loved and not alone.

I have faith that I'll find my rudder & direction, b/c I'm f---ing resilient.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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PS

My h sent me an intimate text message meant for OW. Just weeks after we separated.

Guess they "fell in love" fast...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
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25-that's an old narcissist trick. The "mistaken" email. Quoting a part here from a list of favorite narcissistic hoovers:

Text messages that are supposedly meant for someone else, but sent to you by mistake: “See you in ten minutes xoxo” (Supposedly for his current girlfriend–sent to upset you.) “The boss just moved the meeting to Wednesday at 3pm.” (Supposedly for his coworker–sent so you feel a sense of obligation for the coworker.) Or, “Sam called and said John is in the hospital and to call him immediately.” (Supposedly sent to someone else, but sent to you so you feel a sense of urgency to get back to him.)

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yeah it's always possible, but I don't think so. Own, I mean i hear you

But it was too early in the process, no one knew of OW, and we were not in court, so h was trying to play nice. Calling me about house things and texting about other matters, and 5 minutes earlier i had asked him a medical question and he had sent me an insurance answer. IN fact at first, I thought it was meant for me - we had only just separated and him missing me would have been "typical" of him to send mixed signals. To this day I'm not 100% positive it was meant for OW but I'm 95%...

And h has a history of messing up texts with his friends, brother and children, about minor things.

If i were to get another one - I'd have to call him out on it. What a fool.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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