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Hi RD

Good to see you around. Well, I'm even more perplexed! W picks the kids up, and tells me FIL has had two mild heart attacks in the last two weeks, so you're right, I wasn't that important to be told that! This weekend he was admitted for stents to be fitted. I'm not sure why there was this huge need to go down this weekend, unless (and this is my suspicious LBS mind kicking in) this was some kind of pre-planned event that happened to fall on FIL's illness. I hope it isn't, and I hope I'm not being overly sceptical.....but! Anyway, that isn't any of my concern, right?

Hi Ginger

NC - I don't know if this is really the right path. I mean, here we are, three months away from 3 years, and I have never got the inkling that she misses me. I have never made any secret of the fact (on this board)that I miss her terribly and want us all back together. The usual pulls are there though - checking my FB; checking when I'll be in etc. NC, then, is for me. A way of not being drawn in to the crazy swirling world of MLC land.

In general, I've found out (through my W's sloppy use of IT) that she is running out of money, fast. Her credit card statement appeared on my S's computer - the best part of £10k! There was also an email about non payment. We had no debt once the house was sold in December 2015. Again, not my problem, unless it comes to the kids having no food etc. I suppose if you buy a 4X4, new boobs and a tummy tuck (and an endless supply of new clothes and shoes to look good) when you live on a small wage and Government benefits, then one day, it's gonna bite you.


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Huddy Offline OP
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I've not slept well. I'm convinced she's lying to me. She looked 'too good', if you know what I mean, to be worrying about her Dad. Her clothes, demeanour etc. gave me signals that something was off. I don't think she lied about where she was going, just the purpose. The answers she gave in her texts tried to get me off the subject as fast as she could. I smell a rat.

I know MLC'ers can go low, but so low to lie about the health of your father to justify something? That really would be low. Guess it's back to NC, again.


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Huddy, you are so incredibly attached. SO ATTACHED. You look desperately for signs that she misses you, you look at her account activities and try to guess where the money is going, if she is in debt, if she isn't, where her money is going, if she is in trouble.... if she looks too good to be doing what she really is doing.....

Huddy, you have got to let go. You need to think of her as no longer your wife. She's got her life, you got yours, and no matter how bad the security is on her accounts, you need to stop checking them for a sign of something. You should have not looked at that statement. You say "not my problem" but you know you are looking to see if she is actually happy, if she might dig herself a hole so deep that she decides to come back ect....

I understand you miss her terribly. It is very hard to lose someone you love. I think it's harder to lose someone you love when they are still living and breathing. But I think you fully need to go through all the stages of grief so you can detach and move forward. She's not coming back right now. ANd even if she did, not for the right reasons. Who knows what the future brings, but there is pretty much no chance if you keep holding on so tightly. And there may not be any chance, but you need have severed the emotional ties in order for you to move on one day. Either way, if she does her self work, comes back a healed woman, or it doesn't happen, you will have cute the strong emotional bond which will do wonders for your healing. Trust me, I have been there.

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Huddy Offline OP
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Ouch! That's a bit of a kicker Ginger! Like or not, we're all still attached, otherwise, why are we here? I keep reading about them doing the work etc. and about moving forward, but to me it seems I'm the only one doing anything. I don't see anything - not one thing at all. I read stories on here about people making at least some effort with their LBS and I worry that 'I'm' the problem.

I could understand if I was a tyrant, who controlled my W's life, but I wasn't. I worked long hard hours to try and get everything the family needed. So yeah, after all this time, I'm wondering what's this all for? I keep busy and do have GAL activities etc. but have down days.

What does dropping the rope look like? It seems to me I have done everything I can. We live apart, I do NC and I'm not going to be a complete ogre for nothing. So, do I D? I don't want that, and as we have children, there is always going to be a thread. It's just not practical.

The mantra of this site is 'do things that work'. Well, it ain't working (NC that is) and I'm thinking is there another way. I have only recently returned to the boards in a big way, as I felt I was getting nothing from it, and adding nothing. I think it's time to retire back to that position.


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Hi Huddy , I've just read your post and your pain is very clear. Being on here does help i believe but it can also feel like the advice we get isnt helpful. I suppose it's a leap of faith in many ways and it's your choice to do so or not. As regards NC, that means no contact, if its re the kids fine but nothing other than that. It doesnt mean be disrespectful or nasty but explain to W that she isnt to contact you about her problems.

Your obviously a decent man and you want your family back as it was, do you honestly see that as possible in the short to medium term. I mean no disrespect, i dont know your W, only what you have posted on here but she's living her life for her and you are not included unless it suits her. You deserve better Huddy, the success stories on here are few and even then the LBS has nearly always let go of the outcome.

If you want to stand all power to you but W cannot see you standing because it gives her options that you are plan b,c,d or whatever. That's not attractive to anyone. Your life is the only one you get , live the thing to the full, stand but don't stand still.

We all came here looking for the answer, and its here but its

not the simple step by step guide we all hoped for. It's a guide to acceptance and understanding what is and moving forward. The R with your W is gone , maybe a new R can be achieved but the old one is gone. I was where you are and looked for signs or hope and it was there sometimes but one day I decided i deserved better than who she had become and I'm lucky in that i could fake it until I made it and it worked.

I understand we are all different and deal with things in our way but we need a road map to help. This site offers it but it takes time. I remember reading that MLC can last 5 to 7 years and it was heart breaking but unfortunately its true so using that yardstick you have a long way to go just to see if she comes out of it.

If you have stayed awake to read this far (!!) then well done mate.

Obvioulsy do what's right for you but maybe step back and really look at who W is now and see how you feel. You don't want to date right now but there are alot of lovely ladies that would really appreciate a genuine person like yourself in their lives, just saying smile

Take care, Rd

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Huddy,

I didn't mean to upset you or hurt you or make you want to run away. I said what I said , to be honest. Because I am so thankful for when people were honest with me, because it was a true turning point for me. I figure at almost 3 years in, you might be ready for it.

We all have a level attachment, of course. The attachment I am speaking of is where you look for even the slightest clue that she misses you or she is miserable so that maybe she wants to come back. It's normal to care for her, I understand that level of attachment, but the kind you have keeps you tied to her and only hurts you.

As far as DB and "do what works". First, right now what you are doing isn't working for either of you. She is living her own life now. But that's the rub. That's not because of something you did or didn't do. It's her issue. DB gives us the best chances for spouses to recommit to the marriage ONLY if they have done their work and resolved their issues. You really have no power in that. You became a you that you are happy with. There is no magic pill, there is no magic word to say or action to make. She's got to want to get better. Just like any drug addict. The program doesn't work, if you don't work it.

But you. You have control of your side of the street. You can put up that mental stop sign when you begin to read into what a "kissy" face means. You can chose not to look at her bank statement and see if she looked broke enough to want to change. You can not analyze how she looks and if she is telling the truth.

The hard truth is. Right now, she is free to do whatever she pleases. She has emotionally released herself to do what she wants. I know this is hard, I know this hurts, but it is reality.

This isn't to say things might be different down the road. But you are watching, waiting for a pot to boil right now. It's not healthy for you. Right now, the M as you know it is over. What the future brings, you do not know. But in the present, you need to let go.

I see when things get a little real around here, you want to get off the boards. It's a common reaction. But if it stings, it's probably something you should look at.

I am saying this because I care, and because I am thankful who did the same to for me.

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I think maybe you are looking for an external shift Huddy, when maybe the shift needs to be internal?

smile


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Little update from me.

So I found some sordid emails on my sons computer between W and her OM.  He describes her as a 'strumpet' and she describes him as a 'horny f*****'.  Lovely for my son to discover.  I kind of blew up and sent her a message;

"I don't know, or care who (OM - used his name) is, apart from him being a horny f***** and you're a strumpet) but I suggest you desist in sending him messages from (s's) laptop.  Apart from being disrespectful to me (we're still married although probably not for much longer) it's disrespectful to use his laptop for your sordid behaviour.  No need to reply.  I am nobody's Plan B.  If you'd like to collect the rest of your stuff in the next week that's good, or I can pas it to charity.  It's very sad but I hope he's worth it"

The reply from W was as follows;

(littered with spelling mistakes) "I had to use the tablet as my phone wasn't working.  As you know (S) can't read.  Don't be nosey.  I will get mine and SD's stuff when I get the kids.  We have been separated for nearly 2 years (sic) you can't seriously be bothered.  it's none of your business, the fact that all of my emails come on the tablet is private, don't look"

Couldn't resist a text back;

"We've been separated for three.  It's my business if you're moving him in as it affects my children.  As I say I hope it's all worth it for you.  If you'd like to see a lawyer and make it permanent, I'm happy to oblige"

Followed back with;

"Ahhhhh am moving nobody in.  As and when I do you will be informed".

Couldn't resist;

"Crack on #notwaitinglong".

Reply came back;

"LOL" (not sure what she's laughing at)

Final text from me;

"I just thought I'd join in the teenager style language that you love to use.  Why not bring him round for a chat.  Hope he's a quick learner for being a step dad"

OK, probably overdid it with the convo.  Going radio silence now except for kids.  Weirdly relieved to have got it off my chest.  Basically she's been feeding me crumbs and I've been pecking them up.  She's still cake eating and in replay, so, that's not for me.  I obviously don't want a divorce, but I can't let this continue.

So, overplayed my hand here or what?  Honesty would be good fellow buddies.


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You engaged in a childish tit for tat that clearly displayed you are still attached and you looked very jealous.

Sorry to be so blunt.

What crumbs has she been feeding you? It's like you go looking for crumbs to gobble up and spit out at her in anger and jealousy.

Again, sorry to be blunt, but I have no clue what you intend to accomplish with exchanges like this.

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Hi Huddy , firstly , sorry that you found out about OM that way , that had to have hurt. As an outsider to your sitch I'm surprised it took this long. As hard as it seems , once they decide to go they are done with the marriage and in their thinking they are single and act that way.

Secondly, could this be the push you needed to move forward with you life. Again as an outsider you seem stuck and need to accept what is.

Thirdly, your a clever lad and don't need me to tell you that the exchange with W was unproductive and really dosent need to be repeated. It's done now and wont affect anything long term either way. Learn from it and move forward.

Again , this is a painful revelation but it's reality. Posting a bit more often may help you because there are some really helpful people on here that can offer constructive advice.

I've said it before and i will say it again , you deserve better mate. Step back and ask yourself if you really want someone with her qualities ? The OM is not winning any great prize. Who she is now is not who she was before.

Stay strong , Rd

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