I will continue to take my medications as prescribed. I have felt the negative consequences of thinking they did not help until I was knee deep in a manic episode. I also see a therapist weekly now. Something I have avoided for a long time. I have seen therapists before and never connected until my most recent one.
Still receiving mixed messages. My wife has called me a few times at work today. Once to see if i wanted to go to a function with her mid June. Another to see if I can leave work early tomorrow to hang out with her. The other time to see if I would reschedule my blood donation time so she can go with me. All this less than 24 hours after pretty much saying she does not want a further relationship. I told her I was not sure on all counts. I'm guessing she is feeling some major guilt or wants the best of both worlds. I think it may be time to detach and i have read some things on the last resort but I don't know if that applies. I should have some free time tonight to read and see whats what.
I'm going to call to set up the separation/divorce mediation today. We have a lot of other stuff going on that I haven't even brought up yet. We were in the process of moving South which has temporarily been put on hold but is something we both still want to do. At this point it looks like it will be separately. Thanks
Hello cdubbs,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Why would you call a mediator if you are not the one wanting to separate/divorce? If she wants to separate, she should do the work to make it happen, not you.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Why would you call a mediator if you are not the one wanting to separate/divorce? If she wants to separate, she should do the work to make it happen, not you.
I agree. I told her I would take care of scheduling the mediation. I didn't want to but I did. Just trying to follow through on things I say I will do. That has been a behavior she has mentioned in the past and I am trying to make positive changes. Thanks
Why would you call a mediator if you are not the one wanting to separate/divorce? If she wants to separate, she should do the work to make it happen, not you.
I agree. I told her I would take care of scheduling the mediation. I didn't want to but I did. Just trying to follow through on things I say I will do. That has been a behavior she has mentioned in the past and I am trying to make positive changes. Thanks
You did what you said you were going to do. Now the ball is in her court regarding the details of scheduling, etc. There is no need to make the process easier for her because that won't win her back.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I'm looking for ways on rebuilding trust. I know being truthful, open, following through, consistency and time are necessary qualities. Anyone else have any suggestions? Books? What has worked for you in the past?
Struggling with the upcoming weekend. My family took our kids for the weekend. My wife has already said she wants to hang out this weekend despite her wishes to proceed with divorce/legal separation. My inclination is to spend some quality time with her. I'm not sure if I should be pulling away and give her a taste of what life will be like without me. Any thoughts?
In terms of building trust, my 5yr old son broke trust the other day. The following day, he was put in the exact same predicament. And I did not trust him. He assured me that he was trustworthy. I would not believe him. After a while i resigned myself to the fact that I had to trust him, hoping that he had learnt his lesson from the night before. So what i'm saying is that you're only as good as your last innings. Staying trustworthy is all that you can do. Your morals and values are what make you a man or woman. If you can trust yourself, then others will. And you don't need a book for that.
As for pulling away or towards your wife, well, your natural inclination is going to be towards familiarity. And thats ok, but this appears an opportunity (note that i stated opportunity) to get out of your comfort zone. Most people will disagree with me here, but do something that you've always wanted to do, but always put off. The one thing that brings out the inner child in you. This is the real you. Hopefully you can share it with her and she can see you for who you truly are. Be you.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
As for pulling away or towards your wife, well, your natural inclination is going to be towards familiarity. And thats ok, but this appears an opportunity (note that i stated opportunity) to get out of your comfort zone. Most people will disagree with me here, but do something that you've always wanted to do, but always put off. The one thing that brings out the inner child in you. This is the real you. Hopefully you can share it with her and she can see you for who you truly are. Be you.
Thanks. I appreciate it. I'll definitely think on that.
We spent the weekend together working on the house. My mom took the kids for a few days. We got along great. Laughing. Intimate. It almost felt like we were back together. I avoided bringing up the relationship. She brought it up numerous times. Mostly about asking "Why did you screw up?" or "I want to hug and kiss you and take you back but I don't want to be hurt again."
I'll continue to work on myself and try to keep my modified distance. I am making my way through Divorce Remedy. I feel time with a consistent effort to grow and become a better person will be the best way to heal our relationship (married or not). I'm going to accept I will be confused for a good bit and acknowledge it for what it is. Thanks again
My W has been calling me more frequently to tell me about her day, asks for advice, we've talking about her toxic relationship to her mother and how she wants to break free from her. I have a feeling that we (myself and my mother-in-law) are being lumped together because we are both biploar. My wife grew up with a lot of crap and her mom is never really been there for her. Sometimes I believe she thinks I'll do the same to her in the future.
I'm thinking of writing a letter to get all my thoughts out about our relationship. I believe this has opened my eyes to where I was lacking in our relationship and has shown me how important my family is. I believe if we both work on the relationship, it will be stronger than it ever was. I think she feels the same way but her fear of being hurt or abandoned outweighs her willingness to reconnect.
We have a mediation date for June 14. I'm confused because she continues to want to plan activities for us and our family after that date (including a mini-vacation w just me and her ). When I have written letters to her in the past and was able to get my thoughts out, they were well received. I know letter writing is frowned on, but I feel that date approaching like a freight train. I'll continue to post and thanks for reading
Popping out of the woodwork here. My marriage fell apart, in part, due to my xh's first full blown manic episode. It was BAD. And by bad I mean horrific. It took him over a year to finally get a diagnosis and quality care team, and almost two years of denial and several episodes (both depressive, manic and mixed - yeehaw)and a fabulous (sarcasm there) relationship with a mentally ill alcoholic woman before he finally hit rock bottom and became in tune to his diagnosis and wanting to get better. He's now on his meds, got rid of the alcoholic and is slowly digging his way out of the "sh*t show" that he created (his words, not mine).
In some ways, I could be your wife. Before his first episode, he would hide money from me, lie about trivial things and really really damaged my trust in him. In fact, my BD came two weeks before we were supposed to close on our forever home. He has told me that he wanted to buy the house, that was his forever, and we were going to live happily every after. And well....then the illness set in. And it came across as I bullied him into everything. He claimed to have lied about everything - to keep me happy. He accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling. I spent over a YEAR recovering from the trauma not only from the episode, but the gas lighting that happened. I spent hours in therapy trying to determine if the 10 years I spent with him were all a lie. When he received his diagnosis (Bipolar I), there was a sense of relief...it made sense. I wanted it to be the illness talking (and sometimes it was, other times it wasn't). But then reality kicked in. You see, I have a bipolar father. Bipolar I to be exact. He (my father) fits the stereotype of what you think of when you think severely mentally ill bipolar. I grew up with that. And it scared me because I didn't want to subject myself to the illness again. I didn't really have a choice when I was little, but surely, I had a choice now - right?
I wanted to save my marriage but I didn't want to be subjected to the illness. I wanted to be taken care of but I worried that he would financially put us into a hole we couldn't dig out of. I had a right to be worried - as he had gotten us into debt and hid it from me until he could no longer keep up with the lies. I was so wrapped up in the what ifs that I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It finally took a very VERY good therapist to yank my ass off the ground and encourage me to work on myself to realize that I had to work on my own [censored] - and leave him to work on his. She helped me identify the projection of my father's illness on to my XH and to realize why I was scared and what I could do. But mostly, she helped (and is currently helping) me shine the light on myself and how to survive - with or without my xh.
Very long post trying to make short - we are working on our relationship, even though we are divorced. We know that the old marriage is dead - and that's ok, because while there were some great things about it, there were some pretty dark times that weren't healthy for either one of us. My XH is actively working on building the relationship with himself, and with me. It's REALLY hard. I had to know what I needed from him to make even working towards friendship, something that I would entertain. While he hasn't asked me directly what I needed from him to rebuild trust, I've been very vocally proactive about my boundaries and what I would and would not tolerate. And while he initially chaffed at the start, he has worked towards it and embraced it. What has worked for me is that he has responded to my needs, and not belittled them, even if he didn't agree with them. He's followed through on what he's promised to do and those are HUGE stepping stones for me. While I'm hesitant to trust them, I'm glad that they're there.
My suggestion: I would ask your wife what she she needs to help rebuild the trust between you two. Regardless of if your marriage is saved or not, you'll have to have some sort of relationship with her because of the kids. Listen to what she says and work on it. As for being lumped together with your MIL - you have no control over that. It took along time for me to realize that my father's illness is not my xh's illness. They may have the same diagnosis but its not the same for either one of them, and I had to realize that. Your wife may realize that one day, she may not. She's going to have to do the work to realize what she needs from you, and how she can work with you to achieve that. You both are going to have to be your healthiest selves. You can't make her do the work. You can't make her want to dig deeper. Once you accept that you can only be your best self - and make permanent changes towards being your best self- I think you might have a shot.
I would encourage you to write a letter, but I wouldn't encourage you giving it to her yet. You'll need the help of a GOOD marriage/family therapist to help get you through this - if ya'll decide to go upon that journey. It doesn't sound like she's ready to take that step.....yet.
Do the work on yourself. Be the best individual, husband and father you can be. Stop reading into her actions and work on yourself. She has to be willing to do the same.
Good luck on your journey - it's a hard one, but I can tell you no matter what the outcome - the lessons learned along the way are life changing.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
