Oops, sorry for the multiple post. This is a duplicate from my 1st thread but where things stand right now....
Well SHE says she texted the OM and broke off all ties but when I asked to see the text she (conveniently) deleted it. So, I have requested that she send a NC letter to him and make sure she CC's me on it as well. I said this yesterday. She pushed back a bit saying that it was redundant. I reminded her that I wasn't included on that and if she wanted to be transparent like she has said, then she would make sure that I was on the email to him. I provided some samples but of course told her to put it in her own words.
Last night of course she spent a couple of hours talking to a relative, texting, surfing, etc. but never sent the letter. I mentioned it again and she said she would send it soon.
As of right now, 20 hours later, still no letter. I texted her the following:
"If you do not wish to formally and openly cut ties with OM and/or anyone else you may be having an affair with then let me know so I know where i stand. I will not personally follow up with him or anything but I do need to be copied to show transparency. Again not to be controlling but this is something I need for me to better have trust in your words and actions. Ball in your court. If you want to proceed with your affair, that's your perogative and I can't stop you from doing so, I just need to know one way or the other your intentions."
Yes that is a bit weak, but giving her the option. She of course has yet to respond but had time to call me about something random and also send me a couple of pictures my youngest drew. Doesn't look like she has any intentions of cutting ties at this point.
I'm going silent...she no longer deserves any of my attention and definitely non of my trust or respect. I only wish I could get her out of our home. Darn laws always getting in the way.
Oops, sorry for the multiple post. This is a duplicate from my 1st thread but where things stand right now....
Well SHE says she texted the OM and broke off all ties but when I asked to see the text she (conveniently) deleted it. So, I have requested that she send a NC letter to him and make sure she CC's me on it as well. I said this yesterday. She pushed back a bit saying that it was redundant. I reminded her that I wasn't included on that and if she wanted to be transparent like she has said, then she would make sure that I was on the email to him. I provided some samples but of course told her to put it in her own words.
Last night of course she spent a couple of hours talking to a relative, texting, surfing, etc. but never sent the letter. I mentioned it again and she said she would send it soon.
As of right now, 20 hours later, still no letter. I texted her the following:
"If you do not wish to formally and openly cut ties with OM and/or anyone else you may be having an affair with then let me know so I know where i stand. I will not personally follow up with him or anything but I do need to be copied to show transparency. Again not to be controlling but this is something I need for me to better have trust in your words and actions. Ball in your court. If you want to proceed with your affair, that's your perogative and I can't stop you from doing so, I just need to know one way or the other your intentions."
Yes that is a bit weak, but giving her the option. She of course has yet to respond but had time to call me about something random and also send me a couple of pictures my youngest drew. Doesn't look like she has any intentions of cutting ties at this point.
I'm going silent...she no longer deserves any of my attention and definitely non of my trust or respect. I only wish I could get her out of our home. Darn laws always getting in the way.
Oh boy...this looks all too familiar. I am sorry for what you are going through. It hurts to watch things spiral out of control and not be able to do anything about it. You have to remember, you cant change a persons mind. Look at it this way...did you make her marry you? Just as you didn't do that you can't make her come back to you. This is why GAL is so important, its time to stop with the ultimatums, GAL and start living. She will either come around or she won't. But doing work on yourself right now is so important because whatever the outcome, you will be a better you. It is so hard...I get it you want this to turn out okay, but you have to remember that her head is in the weeds right now and nothing you can do will get her out of them. Stay strong, I am so sorry your going through this. I am about a year from where you are now and I am so much better mentally now, just remember that it does get better and easier.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Well one minor update. She finally sent the NC letter to the other man and I verified it's a valid email address. Not so ironically it is the same as the username for the Kik messenger app she used for awhile. Bingo---another dot connected, another lie revealed.
Well anyhow, it was a pretty poor NC letter but it did say what it needed to say so I will take that as a tiny shuffle in the right direction. I still have very little hope of things working out but I'll hang in there a bit longer to see where this scary adventure takes me.
Well one minor update. She finally sent the NC letter to the other man and I verified it's a valid email address. Not so ironically it is the same as the username for the Kik messenger app she used for awhile. Bingo---another dot connected, another lie revealed.
Well anyhow, it was a pretty poor NC letter but it did say what it needed to say so I will take that as a tiny shuffle in the right direction. I still have very little hope of things working out but I'll hang in there a bit longer to see where this scary adventure takes me.
Just remember..believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Yes she sent the letter, but she may have already warned the OM that it was coming. That said just watch her actions. I hope this works out. Your story is so similar to mine its scary. I was where you where a year ago. I never was able to get her to send the NC letter, and I eventually gave up. I hope and pray for you that she is shuffling her feet in the right direction. Be patient, its soo hard I know, you just want it all to be fixed immediately and that is just not realistic. Now STFU and GAL. Sandi's post on what you should be doing is so spot on! Do all those things, it will pay off in the long run. Good luck brother, keep fighting the fight.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Well SHE says she texted the OM and broke off all ties but when I asked to see the text she (conveniently) deleted it. So, I have requested that she send a NC letter to him and make sure she CC's me on it as well. I said this yesterday. She pushed back a bit saying that it was redundant. I reminded her that I wasn't included on that and if she wanted to be transparent like she has said, then she would make sure that I was on the email to him. I provided some samples but of course told her to put it in her own words.
Last night of course she spent a couple of hours talking to a relative, texting, surfing, etc. but never sent the letter. I mentioned it again and she said she would send it soon.
As of right now, 20 hours later, still no letter. I texted her the following:
"If you do not wish to formally and openly cut ties with OM and/or anyone else you may be having an affair with then let me know so I know where i stand. I will not personally follow up with him or anything but I do need to be copied to show transparency. Again not to be controlling but this is something I need for me to better have trust in your words and actions. Ball in your court. If you want to proceed with your affair, that's your perogative and I can't stop you from doing so, I just need to know one way or the other your intentions."
Yes that is a bit weak, but giving her the option. She of course has yet to respond but had time to call me about something random and also send me a couple of pictures my youngest drew. Doesn't look like she has any intentions of cutting ties at this point.
I'm going silent...she no longer deserves any of my attention and definitely non of my trust or respect. I only wish I could get her out of our home. Darn laws always getting in the way.
Quote:
Well one minor update. She finally sent the NC letter to the other man and I verified it's a valid email address. Not so ironically it is the same as the username for the Kik messenger app she used for awhile. Bingo---another dot connected, another lie revealed.
Well anyhow, it was a pretty poor NC letter but it did say what it needed to say so I will take that as a tiny shuffle in the right direction. I still have very little hope of things working out but I'll hang in there a bit longer to see where this scary adventure takes me.
She shows classic signs of playing with you, and not taking this NC seriously. It's like a parent repeating to the child she had better xx before she gets into trouble. The parent continues to warn, threat, etc.....but doesn't show action. The child engages by making a game of it. Now the frustrated parent says something like, "You had better xx by the time I count to three. Child still doesn't mind her parent, so the parent starts slowly counting.......hoping the child surrenders by the third count. I cannot begin to tell you how many parents I have seen engage in this type of nonsense. Some parents would give up and do whatever it was they had first told the kid to do! In every case I have witnessed, the child had the upper hand. Even in cases where she was disciplined in the exhausted end.....she held fast to her rebellious spirit, b/c of the weak stand of the parent.
I don't really go along with repeating things to the WW as a way of pushing her to do what the H needs, or to respect boundaries. Some H's say it is to remind her, but she hasn't forgotten what was said. She is playing the game. She's waiting for the H to count to three!
I also don't go along with texting these types of things, that should be said face to face (if they are living under the same roof).
If she agreed to NC, yet you have no access to her messaging....the contact letter probably will not hold. Speaking as a former WW, it is a day to day effort in NC. Without any contact with the OM, she will be thrown into withdrawals, and you may be able to detect it. Of course, if she is still in contact with him, you will see no changes. And if she starts acting all happy and warming up to you in the coming days.......she is probably playing you. If she really has cut all contact, she will not be a happy camper.
The WW responds to the H's actions. If you have to repeat the words of what you want from her (i.e. NC)......your words are not effective. So, if she is not being truthful, or she breaks the NC, the next step would be some type of action from you. This not done to control or force her to do what you want. It's not a threat. If she has a choice, then let her choose. If she chooses not to do what you have requested, then what? Then, you have to follow through with your own boundary.
You told her what you needed.....she ignored it......so you go back with how she has a choice and you aren't controlling her, and you just want to know where you stand. (Isn't the fact she ignored and/or refused.....telling you where you stand?). She's playing the game!
I hope to hear from you soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She supposedly sent the original NC text to him without me requesting. The email to him was my request though. Since sending she has been down in the dumps and been more short tempered with me. Withdrawals, I'm not so sure though, maybe just irritated that I asked for NC letter.
I honestly want her out of the house at this point, but legally I can't force this. So still in limbo.
She supposedly sent the original NC text to him without me requesting. The email to him was my request though. Since sending she has been down in the dumps and been more short tempered with me. Withdrawals, I'm not so sure though, maybe just irritated that I asked for NC letter.
I honestly want her out of the house at this point, but legally I can't force this. So still in limbo.
If you want her out of the house, why did you request she email a NC letter? Did she agree to transparency?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Cart before the horse. She did send the NC letter, not sure if she is holding to it though. But about her out of the house, I guess it's just frustration creeping in...it almost makes me sick to look at her right now with everything she has done to me at this point.
She has agreed to transparency and she did show me her phone last week and showed me all of her messaging apps and everything. I told her that I didn't want to see anything from her girlfriends as I don't think that's necessary. I saw nothing from the OM but again she wouldn't keep those messages anyhow.
Here's the thing, she claims she has stopped her affair and communication with the OM, but on the flip side she still won't commit to the marriage. So here I am, no commitment from her to me or the marriage but supposedly no communication with the OM. On top of that she doesn't want to discuss our R or anything else and acts content to just act like all is normal (typical roommate lifestyle).
I have gone mostly cold though...they pain is tough to bear but I have started getting out more and doing what I can to GAL. Around her, I try to be positive, calm, and confident, but not sure it's having any effect.
I've stopped my doormat activities. Mostly stopped doing the laundry, the dishes, cleaning the house, etc. In return she's been doing small favors for me. Packing my lunch, making coffee, etc. I accept those but don't put much thought into them.
