UR, I have been reading your post multiple times on my phone all weekend. You really know how to make me stop and think about how I am not so crazy and abnormal and that my feelings are valid.
You are so right, I want to rush right through this. I am trying to figure out the proper grieving time, when am I supposed to feel better? Why aren't I completely over this? When am I supposed to stop being sad? I analyze and analyze, it's exactly what I do.
What have I been analyzing? About how guilty I am in all of this. What the heck was I thinking a 27 year old guy who desires a family and kids of his own and the dream I never had? Who the heck was I to not think this through and think he could be fulfilled with me, a 10 year old that isn't his and maybe, maybe not one more kid of his own? I feel selfish. I lead with my heart and enjoyed the good stuff way to much to think about what I could truly offer for someone of his age who is single and has the world at his feet. I realize as I do things like D9's school events, chaperoning, doing the mom thing, that it is not a place for a 27 year old single man who still lives at home. He belongs there in his due time, not before it, with his own kids. I don't like to label things either, but I think this is how I know it was love. I want those things for him. If he were to come back and say he made a huge mistake , I would tell him that he didn't and he needs to go after what he truly desires. As much as I would love to have him back.
My turn will come with a guy in a similar spot, with a similar lifestyle who wants the same things. To raise his children, have a good time with someone else, and to have a partner.
But I am sad because I miss him and his company. It's getting better though. I haven't heard from him and my dad was even kind of surprised. I mean, I am sure I freaked him out with the ILY and then I did block him on FB which is like the world's biggest insult apparently, but..... usually when you cut someone out of your life like that, there is someone else in it and that is fine.
But I do just have to look at myself and forgive myself and be content with who I am. I am beginning to realize that when a relationship ends, it's not because I didn't something wrong, or I missed something, or I need to fix the way I approach things. Sometimes, things simply don't work out in life.
The good news is I am doing much better. I am busier than I care to be, honestly, but it's probably good for me. I am up late nights doing papers, I had so many events this weekend. I noticed that I am having fun again and enjoying myself when I go out rather than just dragging myself through it. The depression is minimal, the sadness just lingers. I feel more like myself again. Absolutely exhausted today since I was up after midnight finishing my paper, but my personality has returned.
Oh, and and I put an offer on a house I saw yesterday. it's on the street over from where I love now, I have been eyeing it for a while, it's a foreclosure. I really like it. It's older, but the major stuff has been replaced. It is in decent shape and has lots of potential with a great yard in a great location. My upstairs ceilings are only 6.5 feet, so my next boyfriend can't be too tall, hahaha. I hav eno clue if they will take the offer or accept the mortage, but if it's meant to be, it will be. For some reason, this is the one house out of all the places I looked at that I felt could be mine.
there's nothing to feel guilty about...you learned something. I used to think that as long as there was chemistry everything else could be worked out but now I've moved beyond that. I recognize that relationships are a ton of work even when there's a good fit. I no longer want to pour myself into making things fit. I now look at people beyond just chemistry. I'm not willing to change my life drastically just to fit someone else's life. I've passed on a few potential relationships because important parts were missing. Sometimes I do miss the feeling of being a part of someone's life, being in that special place but I also recognize that I need fit not just chemistry. If it's not there then it's not there. My life is just fine the way it is. Hey, good luck with the house! You're starting to think beyond your hurt again and that's a good sign.
Insist on a very good home inspection. I'm guessing that 6'5" ceilings are not up to code - if this is an attic or basement conversion and it's not up to code and not legally permitted, you might be made to tear it all out if you buy it ( that's what happens in my state if you buy a home with an unpermitted addition). Be very careful. Also even if legal ceilings they low could make it difficult to resell, the price you pay should at least reflect that.
G, be careful to only own your part, ya know? Should you have maybe thought of those things? Maybe...hindsight, though...
The truth is that there are 27 years olds that would have loved what you and your daughter offered. So, there was no real way to know he wasnt one of them. I think that maybe he should have known whether he was.
Look, you both tried to see if it would work out. I would like to think his intentions were pure going in.
I am a real believer in things happening as they should and that all the trials are paths to growth. And sometimes those paths succk along the way. LOL!
We just do the best we can and when we know better we do better. You have learned here, G. So that next time, you will know to see that you both want the same things.
You are generous to a fault and loving beyond measure...it's why you hurt so deeply.Someone extraordinary and worthy will one day be very fortunate to be with you.
Congrats on going for the house. Be careful..and open to the possibilities.
Insist on a very good home inspection. I'm guessing that 6'5" ceilings are not up to code - if this is an attic or basement conversion and it's not up to code and not legally permitted, you might be made to tear it all out if you buy it ( that's what happens in my state if you buy a home with an unpermitted addition). Be very careful. Also even if legal ceilings they low could make it difficult to resell, the price you pay should at least reflect that.
definitely going to hire a good home inspector. The one the ex and I had for our town home was great and is still around. It is very important that no major repairs aren't needed and everything is up to code. They recently replaced all the outlets, windows, doors, completely redid the bathrooms....... new roof 8 years ago.
They rejected my first offer right away, but came back with a counter, which is a good sign. I gave my absolute highest to my agent, and we shall see what happens. This home if cosmetically fixed will surely surely yield a profit when I sell. Fingers crossed!
G, be careful to only own your part, ya know? Should you have maybe thought of those things? Maybe...hindsight, though...
The truth is that there are 27 years olds that would have loved what you and your daughter offered. So, there was no real way to know he wasnt one of them. I think that maybe he should have known whether he was.
Look, you both tried to see if it would work out. I would like to think his intentions were pure going in.
I am a real believer in things happening as they should and that all the trials are paths to growth. And sometimes those paths succk along the way. LOL!
We just do the best we can and when we know better we do better. You have learned here, G. So that next time, you will know to see that you both want the same things.
You are generous to a fault and loving beyond measure...it's why you hurt so deeply.Someone extraordinary and worthy will one day be very fortunate to be with you.
Congrats on going for the house. Be careful..and open to the possibilities.
I saw my IC last night and she always says the exact same things you say. And she is EXCELLENT. She also told me to only own my own stuff. She believes he led me to believe that my life was suitable for him because he knew my sitch and nothing was hidden. She believes he tried to believe he could do that because he wanted to be with me, but in the end, he wanted something different.
I do realize, at this point,it doesn't matter anymore. We tried, it didn't work out, so now we move on.
My IC was really seeing a change in me. I was talking positively about things I am excited for. I also spoke positively about myself and she said it was like music to her ears to hear me say good things about MYSELF. She said "Ginger, I don't know how else to tell you this, but you are a dam good catch, and the right guy will appreciate one day, I just know it" She said I am not to settle. She said that doesn't mean be super picky, but not settle for anyone who treats me less than I deserve to be treated. I am also no longer going to put myself in situations where there are major obstacles like distance or a must have of more children . I was so focused on this one being so close to me unlike all my others, and that our relationship was good, that I think we overlooked some very important issues.
I would loooooove a partner by my side. But I am resettling into my usual life unpartnered. My IC stressed how good it is that I am so self-sufficient. And I am. I don't need anyone for money or to be a daddy to my daughter. I don't need to get married. I just want someone I can be loving partners with and enjoy life with. But until that right one comes along, I am better off alone. And not being so sad about it.
I realized yesterday my hope is back. I don't think it's the end of the world, or the end of my love life. Like you said, UR, everything happens the way it was meant to. I believe what was meant for me will not miss me. And thank you for those beautiful things you said about me. I can't wait to see you either!
G, I made that last line because I thought it was a cute joke. But even though I think it's funny and I think I made it clear I was joking, it still looks a little snide or dismissive after the fact. I want to make it crystal clear I don't think you're an advocate of divorce or the devil's work. You are having a very important conversation and bringing up very important points, and I know your are a tremendous individual with beliefs very similar to mine in many ways. So thank you for the conversations. Have a wonderful day.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
G, I made that last line because I thought it was a cute joke. But even though I think it's funny and I think I made it clear I was joking, it still looks a little snide or dismissive after the fact. I want to make it crystal clear I don't think you're an advocate of divorce or the devil's work. You are having a very important conversation and bringing up very important points, and I know your are a tremendous individual with beliefs very similar to mine in many ways. So thank you for the conversations. Have a wonderful day.
No worries, Zues! It was a cute joke and I actually smiled and laughed aloud when I read that. Actually, I am still smiling. My smile is finally returning.
We actually think very much alike in terms of commitment and morality. Honestly, I do think this society has gone to sh!t in terms of commitment. We live in a world of instant gratification now and that has extended way to deep into areas like marriage and love. I actually fear for my child. I am doing the best I can to raise her the way I see fit, which is sadly the opposite of the way the world operates.
You have a wonderful day too, my friend.
BTW, you are someone I am dying to meet in person. Sit down and have a conversation face to face with you. probably be one of the most passionate (and you know what I mean by passion) conversations.
