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[quote=kml]Dear girl, it WAS infatuation. True, real love takes TIME, takes really getting to know someone,. I'm not saying your feelings weren't real, but all love is just infatuation in the beginning.

This hurts you so badly because it is all wrapped up in your childhood abandonment issues, and in your deep-seated fear that you are not enough. That's what you need to be working on with your IC.

This^^^. I'm sorry Ginger. I truly am. Just seems like this has triggered in you a lot of stuff that is not about him or this r.

When you said you are "meant to be part of a couple",---- or what?

I don't know your issues other than what you say here. Obviously.

What occurred to me was that if anything is sabotaging your r's or ability to have a lasting one, it is the belief that you must be in a r to be fulfilled.

That is pressure on the R, that is pressure on the partner and that is pressure on yourself to zoom into a r that can only exist with knowledge and a wholeness in each person not needing the other to be complete, AND only exists with TIME...

I think I've been a wife for about as long as you have lived. As an adult I was always Part of a couple. Yes, it was very good for many years. Now it has ended. "Ouch" is far understating the pain of unraveling so much...

But I'm taken aback by the belief that you are not capable of having a fulfilling life without a partner. I guess that belief triggers such resistance in me for 2 reasons.

1) of course it scares me A LOT b/c what if I'm like that? I'm 57 now. I look younger but so what? My dating options are presumably smaller. Is MY Life never to be fulfilling again?

2) I do not accept^^ this. I cannot accept this^^ and in truth, I do not believe ^^this.

As I face the gaping hole a long time marriage ending, leaves, and the long distance between me and all 3 of my kids, and the financial terror I feel,

I MUST embrace what life has given me, or wither away. I mean, what are my options?


I joined a DivorceCare group that has been much more helpful than I expected. Being around funny, smart but wounded people- who want to be happy, is very healthy for me.

There's no time limit on it (how long divorced??) and we socialize afterwards. Maybe try that, b/c you won't feel so alone and by definition you won't be the only single person there!

And I think it helps to get perspective. And to meet and hear men say they miss time with their kids. NOT "Golfing with my son" or "taking my d's fishing b/c that's what I LIKE doing..."

but just hanging out with people they find fascinating, i.e. children. Just wanting time with their kids. Oh I'd give anything to have been married to a man who did not change as my h did, who did not come to value accolades at work far more than accolades (OR troubled teens) at home.

it's so great to hear and meet men who are good fathers and wanted to be good h's.

Good balance in the group. I highly recommend it. It's like DB in a way, but meeting in real life and sharing pizza and beer.


Hang in there, dig deep. Maybe learn to realize you can Be enough.




M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Great discussion and comments. Why do so many guys only do something after they see the other person leaving? That is a great question about human nature or at least male nature - though women seem to do it as well. The thing is, for me, I never considered D an option. Sadly that seems to be an early option for many. I heard Dr. Phil say this a few days ago - yes, I'm a dr. Phil fan. He said in 40 years of M the D word has never come up. It's just never an option. Is that not what it's supposed to be? Physical abuse and untreated addiction are possible exceptions but I thought marriage vows were supposed to mean something? For me, it comes down to communication. Had my exW said the things she said in the way she said the a year prior, I would have gotten it. Instead she kept much of it in, expected me to figure it out and then left when I didn't. I just did not consider D an option.

I know I have already said this but reinforcing what others have again said, ANYONE who comes on so strong so fast sends up warning flares for me. You have to, and I most always do, pay attention to what people do less than what they say. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That's just true. What someone has done for the past two years is a very good indication of what they will do next week. Yes, they can change but then there will be a new period to predict the future. The problem is, when we only know someone for a few months, we don't have that predictor. We don't know them well enough. Even with FF, as time goes by, we will learn much more about who he really is. Until that happens all we have is what or whom we think he is. Who someone was and how they acted two years ago is the best predictor of how they will act tomorrow. How can we predict that after only a few months. It takes time to know the real person.

Lastly, I again agree with being happy with yourself and your life before anyone else can be added. It really is too much pressure for someone else to have to make is whole or happy. I think I might be happier with someone else added but it's just the cherry on top. Even without the cherry, it's already a great sundae. Just as its said we will meet someone when we are least looking to, it may also be true that when we decide our life is very full without someone that we are ready for someone else.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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I am short on time, and I want to address everyone for their thoughtful input. but I want to clarify one thing.

I am happy with myself. There are things that are fulfilling in my life. My life actually is full. But there is a part of me that yes, actually needs a partner to complete the package for me. Else everyone on this earth would be single, I think. It's human nature. Not a part I really got to every experience correctly. I would probably change nothing that I have a chance to change (I would change my job and I would love some more money, but neither is happening anytime soon, I am fine with that). I have significant relationships with my friends. My daughter is awesome, we have a wonderful relationship. I have hobbies I enjoy. I try new things, go to new places. Life is full. I am actually happy with my life and myself (although I am way to hard on myself, I need to work on that some more). My soul is meant to be shared with partner though. I don't think that means I am not happy with myself or my life.

Just really wanted to clarify that. I've been ready to add for a LONG time on to that. I want that experience to love and to be loved, to share on an intimate level with a romantic partner. I really never had it. But only with the right person under the right circumstances will it ever be what I really need. The person themselves will not make me whole or happy. That is not their responsibility. I can do that myself. I have done that myself. But I don't see a healthy intimate relationship as simply a cherry on top. I see it as a part of life, SOMEWHERE along the line for me. I will just hope it will happen when the time is right.

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Hey Juju,

I replied on your thread, but I want to say thank you again. This really wasn't me. The truth is he is really struggling with where he is in life. I think he sees the older woman more on the wavelength he is but the older woman with a kid does not match up with what he truly desires in life. He is a millennial. I will hand it to him, that he has some serious goals and he believes in working towards them. He wants so bad to achieve them. It truly upsets him that others in his generation are not the same way. So he looks outside of it. The girls in the large town he lives in are spoiled and still pretty immature. He struggles with where he falls on that spectrum. But he still has a lot of living to do himself, and I hope he doesn't rush anything just to have it. I think he will get there in his own due time. I mean, come on now, in 3 years, he will only be 30!!!

I went to see my IC last night which I was dying to do. I literally sat down and all my thoughts came out in a jumble and I barely made sense. We did realize 2 things. I am doing a lot better than what I am giving myself credit for. I explained my depression and I realize how I can feel it lifting in the past few days. Now I am down to just missing things. But I don't feel trapped my depression. I am talking and conversing at work again. I am not having to drag my butt too much to do the things I want. I appreciated sitting outside at dusk last nigh drinking wine, eating sushi, and reading a book alone after taking an ice run in the beautiful weather. I am good at being alone.

I actually asked my IC if I was crazy to entertain how he came on so strong, wanting to spend so much time together, even in the first week. She said absolutely not. In the beginning when you connect and you are smitten, it's a natural desire and it's ok to enjoy. She really truly believes this is a matter of bad timing and circumstance. He probably hoped he didn't need what he thought he needed because he had those strong feelings. It simply just stinks.

I realized myself last night that I am ok. I am sad, I miss him, but I'll get over it. I am weird with intimate connections (I am not talking just sexual). I have a hard time letting go of them completely. It makes me sad to be no contact, but that's what we need now. I owed him money, so I mailed him a check yesterday and I put his cigar cutter he left in there and 4 free passes to a bounce house place he kept forgetting to take for him to take his nephew to. No note, no nothing, just those 3 three things.

Life goes on. And I do have a life. One that I enjoy most of the time.

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25, thank you. I want to address your thoughtful post. I do hope I clarified some of it above regarding my life being fulfilling.

I don't think I sabotage my R's. My ex was a bad choice. No doubt about it. I should have let go when he cheated before we got married. I should have let go so many times, but yeah, due to my childhood issues on abandonment, I held on. I was very scared to be alone, because I would have been pretty much completely alone. My self-esteem was so low I figured I would never do any better. I had a fling with a younger guy when I was separated. It was fun, he ended it with me for another woman. I was hurt, but my hurt lasted maybe a week and I was over it. Then I dated someone from here. It didn't work out relationship wise. But we would always come back together at some point for comfort, friendship, and "stuff". For years. It worked when until I wanted more, then it ended. Then time would go by and we would od our thing again. I ended that when I just felt rejected. But I miss that guy as a friend dearly. I realize we were very important in each others lives in a very different way. I think we made it through our post divorce years as well as we did because of each other. He is in a relationship now and I am super happy for him. I had one huge mistake which was just a fling. Then I had exNG who I finally realized he wasn't giving me what I needed, so when I said what I needed, he didn't want to give it to me, it ended. That was HUGE for me. To state my needs and end things because they couldn't be met. But yes, during that R I gave a helluva lot more than I received and that was not good. I did want it to work out badly. Then the plumber form online. a few dates, he was not what I wanted. Attracted to each other, that was it.

Then out of nowhere FF. Last person I would think due to the age. I didn't sabotage that one. We just weren't going in the same direction. I'm glad we found out at 3 months rather than a year. I learned from my others and I lived in the moment and enjoyed what we had. Then I guess we had no choice to look to the future to see if we should go any further.

My hopes for the next? We are in the same stage of life. We do want the same things in the future. As in, maybe marriage, maybe not. No future kids are deal breakers. All I desire is a partnership. I have a child, I have a roof over my head. I want something where there is no pressure to rush. Someone out of state was a pressure to rush. Having kids was a pressure to rush. I just want to be able to date someone without having to worry about where we are going next. When next comes, we navigate it, but it won't be some issue that can't be resolved. I can afford that at this stage in my life as I am self-sufficient and not needing much in the way of material things or children.

Felt good to write that. I realize I am actually am in a good spot to date. I just need to find someone in the same spot.

And I did look into divorce care when I was first separated at 28. I was the youngest by far and I didn't feel comfortable at the time. Maybe it's something I can look into again.

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D9 took me out to dinner Friday night for my bday. exH had stopped and got a small gift certificate to the restauraunt we were going to. It was very kind. We went to hibachi and sat with a couple who had 4 kids under 9 and under. They were nice to talk to and their kids were incredibly well behaved. D9 got them to sing happy birthday to me when I got up to use the restroom. I loved it.

A friend visited the next day and we wen to a beer fest then his nieces 21st bday party.

Yesterday I read on my couch almost all day, went to the mall, then out to dinner with friends. I also cried. A lot. I was hurting and lonely.

FF never sent a bday wish. I never really expected it. His sister actually sent me 2, one on FB and one through text. I won't lie, it hurt he hasn't acknowledged my existence in 3 weeks, let alone on my bday. I was thinking about how so many people reached out, and how I was upset about the one who didn't. Makes no sense, right? It's not a lack of appreciation for what I have in life, but I just became aware of my emotions.

I am still hobbling along. Some days I feel a little normal, others I feel godawful, It's a process. I have just about the busiest week and weekend coming up. It should be good for me.

Oh and school began again today after a 3 week break. I am in the home stretch.

let's see what 37 brings me.

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Happy Belated Birthday!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I remember 37...actually, I don't. Happy birthday anyway smile


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Thank you very much, guys!

I am looking forward to 40 only because I am treating myself to an epic vacation!

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I remember 40...nah!!!!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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