Dear girl, it WAS infatuation. True, real love takes TIME, takes really getting to know someone,. I'm not saying your feelings weren't real, but all love is just infatuation in the beginning.
This hurts you so badly because it is all wrapped up in your childhood abandonment issues, and in your deep-seated fear that you are not enough. That's what you need to be working on with your IC.
And instead of feeling "less than" because he's flirting with that creepy woman, it should be making you view HIM as "less than" . He's not the man you thought he was.
Wow, what an amazing post KML. I'm sure it's hard to read Ginger but I really hope you will embrace it. I would also add that I don't think you are grieving who FF was in your life nearly as much as you are grieving who you hoped he would be. He just was never the guy you were hoping or believed he already was.
Please, please, please DO NOT CONTACT HIS SISTER! Even if you did know her it would just look like you were contacting her to get to him. Don't do it.
Keep beating the heck out of the bag!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
There is some truth in what you say KML. The issues are coming out with the more abandonment I face. My IC and I do work on this one. Yes, I do fear I am not enough. I've been working on that too. I think I am enough for me. That part I have succeeded on. I could sit here and tell you I am quite a catch and although I am not perfect, and I make lots of mistakes, I am enough. I need to work on realizing when people chose to leave me, and leave me and move on right away, it wasn't because I am not enough. I just wasn't "right" for them. And yes, I should view his seeking this person out as his not thinking enough of himself and acting desperately.
We had something good which didn't get to play out for a few reasons. So yeah, infatuation, never got the chance to make it to love. Wish I could tell him "I was wrong when I said I love you" Of course I will not.
And no, I won't reach out to his sister personally. I do care what's going on in her life, we were friendly, but I am better off not doing it.
I am grieving what he was in my life, definitely. I liked where we were and the fun we were having. I am grieving it ended because of the future.
I am really just going to get over it and move on. Hopefully a nice healthy relationship is in store for me somewhere down the line.
I am afraid I don't even know what that looks like, though.
I have noticed a theme in newcomers. Mostly men who say "but she never said she thinking about leaving!" I see it IRL too. People don't want to make changes or stay consistent unless they are about to lose something. It's like it's not worth it unless they are going to lose it. I would warn every couple to veer away from this way of thinking.
Part of my problem in R's is reading these newcomers I think. For so many years. I think I try to hard to have a relationship where we compromise, meet each other needs, LISTEN, act, and keep it healthy and not ignore it. It probably comes off as me trying "too" hard. But I have been reading about "failed" marriages most of my adult life since mine failed. I try so hard to learn from mine and others mistakes.
I think I actually have the right tools, but others haven't quite experienced or known what I have in regards to marriage and divorce.
Who am I was not the reason my last relationship didn't last. I know that. But I realize how I am in an R and what my expectations are in return. I'm afraid it might hurt me.
Jellyb has some great advice regarding dating. She recently posted "rule of thumb is to let someone show you who they are before you invest"
I think what you are saying makes sense... that maybe you are getting into relationship mode a bit early in the process when things should really be about dating and just enjoying the person. That early relationship mode could be scary for the person you're dating. Because while what you are doing might be sound advise and good marriage and relationship tools, people might not want to feel married so eary in the game? Maybe they want to just enjoy the beginning phase of a relationship a bit longer. That phase for many guys might be more of the chase, the uncertainty, the wining and dining?
And I'm not trying to give 1950s advise where I'm saying to play games and act hard to get. But to genuinely pull back and get to know them first. They need to earn you're trust and respect and willingness to invest and utilize those relationship skills we learn here. But that takes time. We don't want to push a square into a round hole. We need to take the time to make sure that shape is round.
Would love to hear more advise about dating though. As soon as I sign my papers I think I'm trying an online dating site.
I definitely believe I have done that in the past. I am damaged in the weirdest way.
I really did enjoy all the fun dating stuff. He was the relationshippy one. So I think I kicked into DB mode.
I was not cut out to date. Let alone date as a single mom. But that is apparently what was in the cards for me!
I browsed the online dating sites last night and made no commitments. Just warming up to it again. I say go for it juju. I have no good advice as I stink at this.
I hope I get this whole thing right soon.
Joining yet a new gym with my old gym buddy friends. It's something new for 21 days. It's a small group fitness challenge thing. It's expensive and I have 2 other gym memberships and I should be a freakin' fitness model by now...... but I like food and alcohol. I'm just doing it to go with my friends and have some fun.
I have been no contact with FF for 3 weeks. One level it makes me soooo sad to not even hear a "how are you?". Surely no birthday wish. On another level, if any of you know me from the past, I really stink at no contact. I take it personally and it hurts. But I decided to keep my dignity and not set myself up for rejection.
In DB it tells you that most guys don't see it coming...we think that when she stops nagging she must be happy again lol...then she leaves and we go "WTF?". I've yet to hear a male friend say they saw it coming...I've heard one say "Thank God she left". I had another friend whose wife left him and he didn't realize she'd left! I have another friend who came home and his family was gone...he didn't see his kids for again 20 years 'cuz he didn't know where they had gone. Anyway, I digress...in fact, I have nothing else to say lol.
Hey ginger, you are doing a lot of beating yourself up..Saying that you stink at this. That you are damaged. Declaring yourself as rejected.
It was weird for him to get relationshippy quick. Especially with not 1 but 2 single moms. I can totally see how many women, let alone a single mom would be vulnerable to that. It is normal to want someone to love us and give us attention. It feels good to feel loved and to be given attention. And its easy to associate that attention and attach to the person giving it.
But its a classic trait of abusers and cult leaders and other types of scary predators of single moms with young kids to give that same type of attention early on. Its not a classic trait of a normal healthy guy. (Im not saying he is one of those extremes...but truth is, you only know the good parts that he showed you so far)
This might truly just be his issue. And maybe its good that you were not involved with him long enough to uncover the actual issue. No one will know for sure, but maybe he realized early on that you are going to be a harder target because of your maturity and emotional intelligence? (Just a quick thought. I know we cant assume) the fact that he was so hot and then so cold and able to discard so easily is a warning sign too.
Other posters brought this up, but early on it can be hard to accept that IT ISNT YOU!!! Especially when the person comes on strong and makes all sort of promises and declarements. He seems like this great guy, because he was great in the beginning. But being that great that quick is not the norm. It is smoke and mirrors (whether conscious or not)
So I am going to reiterate...IT ISN'T YOU. You are questioning your rationality and desirability but don't. I get this intuition that there are tons of shy, intimidated men that would love to date and get to know you better. You really have everything going for you.... Looks, financial independence, a good career, and both book and street smarts.
