Hi Leah!

Quote:
because you're too busy LIVING.


Somewhat true smile I'm living, but not much fun stuff in there. Work and school leave me exhausted. I have had some time with friends built in there, and that's been nice. Some friends had an Oktoberfest party last weekend, so I got to spend time with good friends and acquaintances. We sat around a firepit into the wee hours of the morning. It was very nice!

New guy is coming to town to visit me in a couple of weekends. I'm trying to keep myself in check, because who knows how it will go before meeting in person. (We do video chat, so we at least know we work on that level.) He and I have been exchanging messages for months. They were platonic at first, but we both developed some pretty big crushes based on what the other had to say.

He's consistent and sweet. He didn't seek out shortcuts for getting through his last relationship ending, and I admire that. (He'll be running a marathon the week after he visits me!) He loves his mother, but there doesn't appear to be any weirdness there. This is important to me - H was enmeshed with his from an early age, and still care-takes her anxiety on her weekly call to him. He's got no room for a wife when he's already married to his mother and I was naive to believe otherwise. I like that new guy loves his mom, but not too much. lol!

New guy seems like a good person. I hesitate to compare, but it's really helped me see how shallow H was, emotionally. H buried a great deal of pain, and he does not want to go there, so he keeps everything very surface level. He's not going to be able to be a good partner until he addresses his pain, and based on what I saw, he's not motivated to do that. Happiness is external, I guess.

I got knocked off the pedestal H had put me on, and boy is he angry about that. He still thinks he's going to find his perfect match, where there are no issues, even though the man has subscriptions worth of baggage.

Haven't heard from H. I'm not surprised. I don't want to, anyway. I've been cast in the role of controlling gold digger out to steal his freedom, so I'm right where he needed me to be to make sure there was no chance of repairing anything. I'm right where he needed me to be to project his mother-issues onto me. He wants to hate me, and there's nothing to do other than let him.

It doesn't hurt very much anymore. Honestly, what I worry about are his kids and whether he's disparaged me to them and if they believe it. That would hurt me deeply, but it's out of my control. I'm currently working through that fear and grief.

The legal stuff about the house sale continues to make my stomach turn and I just want it over with. I had to deal with it a bit yesterday and couldn't do anything else other than crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head yesterday evening. I get exhausted. I'm thinking of taking less $ just to get it over with, for my own benefit.

Honestly, if things go well with new guy, it may move forward quickly. It's left unspoken that if we get into a relationship, he'll be moving here. He wants to get out of the city. I'm okay with this.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm very ready to leave H and his problems behind me. I can't trust him, and maybe there's a better alternative for me out there who will appreciate me for who I am. I haven't taken shortcuts in life.

New guy seems to address his issues head-on, and I admire that. I'm a bit afraid of midlife men, to be honest. He's 46, and I certainly can't be sure, but he doesn't seem to repress emotions. So, based on all I've learned, he feels a great deal more safe to me.

I'm still pacing myself, but I do have feelings for him, so there's only so much I can do smile