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Good to hear from you, Ty!

Yes, I do my best to validate when W is talking. Alot of times, I'm dumbfounded by what she is telling me. In those instances, I really just listen. I've been allowing her to vent and tell me how she feels about things.

You know that I'm a fixer as well. So when I just listen to her, that's a 180 for me. Even when I completely disagree with what she is saying.

Thanks again for checking in, my friend. I hope you are doing great!

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Hi Thornton - interesting chat with her. Well, I guess she should think twice about pulling the plug on stuff and moving half way across the country then! But sometimes we need a hard knock or two to learn something important..

So - I'm going to dump you after a fight - arrange to move away - and hope you may follow me?

Does that appeal??

I would certainly take your time and I think your response sounded Good. Truly, I think last time you may have jumped on that..

As for the validating - it may be worth revisiting the validation cheat sheet and using some of the ones that feel most natural to you.

Often it is just enough to reflect back what someone is saying to you - or just say - I'm sorry you feel that way....difficult for us recovering fixers I know!!

So, your IC has set a GAL challenge too - what are you moving forward with there??

smile


T 13 M 7
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D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Sotto!

I can't imagine following her to another state after she dumped me for the third time. In fact, that's kind of insulting to me. No thanks, I dont think I would ever be able to recover my self esteem after doing that.

Regarding GAL - yes, it's time I start pursuing that right away. I just bought a new truck and I've been looking at kayaks. I used to be an avid fisherman but I would like to have a fishing kayak so I can get out the good parts of the resevoirs I plan to fish.

Also looking at Mountain Bikes so I can drive up into the Rocky Mountains and find some cool trails.

I'm still struggling with social things though. I keep an eye on Meetup.com but there is literally nothing that appeals to me there. It's either quilting groups, or the bar-hopping scene, and even furries (google it if you've never heard of them).

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Thornton, different circumstances by my H has been trying to get me to move near him and has no intention to reunite. I think that they like to have a safety net nearby when they fear their lives won't turn out as they imagine.

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Good for you with the GAL plans!! I'm sure getting out with your kayak and on your bike will be a lot of fun!

With the social stuff - there is a spectrum and I would think about that. At the most daunting end might be a pure social Meetup where you make conversation 'cold' with other participants. At the least daunting end might be a shared activity where social interaction is more incidental and you are also focusing on other things. I certainly feel more comfortable with the latter. I could manage the former but I would probably feel drained afterward.

So, maybe a kayaking group or something more along those lines...volunteering in a bookstore has been a good one for me and dancing and yoga, choir - all activities that bring me in contact with others and none 'pure social.' Food for thought anyway perhaps?

And whilst I think it can be useful to extend your comfort zone a little - GAL is supposed to help us feel better about ourselves and our lives....

smile


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Quote:
She then goes on to tell me she wished she wouldn't have pulled the plug on our relationship so quickly after our argument but that it was too late now to change anything. She then started talking about how she has no plans to date and that I was "it" for her. I just listened.
Sotto picked up on this right away as well. Know what I see in this? Why not ask her directly - why is it too late? Why can't she stop moving and stay? Why can't she change the pattern of running away after an argument (dumping you three times) and this time do things differently?
I get that she's having second thoughts. I can see that. I'm not buying the part about 'no plans to date' being the same as 'I won't date anyone. That's not what this is about'

But I think you can probe the questions - why is it too late? Why can't we change the story from "I'm moving" to "I'm staying" ?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Sorry, I didn't explain very the conversation very well.

She did say she looked into staying but could not afford the rent for a 2 bedroom here in Colorado. The housing market here is insane and home prices and rent are astronomical.

She also mentioned that we need time apart to work on ourselves. Fair enough.

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Hey Thornton,
Hope you're having an ok Friday.

I was hesitant to speak up, but the way you describe her just resonates with me and is something I've witnessed first hand.

I think she's playing you and has been playing you. I don't want to minimize any true remorse or guilt she may be genuinely feeling, but from an outsiders observation, I see a drama queen who is used to you coddling her. You haven't given in, so now she is second guessing her decision. It's the pursuing/ distancing dynamic at play..... But I think it's fake and manipulation. And I only say that because I've seen this exact thing with my own eyeballs. (And the fact that youve been here before.)

I don't want to be negative or not give you hope, but I think it's important that you stay the course, work on yourself, etc. Leave her to clean up her side of the street. Let her go. If she comes back (and she might) I would make sure she's worked through her stuff.. Truly... Not just lip service.

Maybe it's the way you have described her, but I see her as the type of person who will say, " I'm sorry you got upset." Vs "I'm sorry that I did Xyz and that my actions have hurt you." See the difference? Again, I could be completely wrong and I feel bad even labeling her, but it's screaming at me "fake, fake, fake! don't take the bait Thornton!"

Hope you enjoy your evening.


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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Hi Sotto!

I can't imagine following her to another state after she dumped me for the third time.
In fact, that's kind of insulting to me. No thanks, I dont think I would ever be able to recover my self esteem after doing that.


Boy this^^^ is so TRUE. Take it in. She'd have you out there and you WILL have another fight and she has a pattern and the best predictor of future behavior is past.
Not to mention how close her mother would be...Ugh cry

Oh Thornton, if I could go back in time...


Regarding GAL - yes, it's time I start pursuing that right away. I just bought a new truck and I've been looking at kayaks. I used to be an avid fisherman but I would like to have a fishing kayak so I can get out the good parts of the resevoirs I plan to fish.

Also looking at Mountain Bikes so I can drive up into the Rocky Mountains and find some cool trails.

Any GAL involving other people? It'd help your loneliness factor and you said it's something you wanted to work on.

You also mentioned your own pattern of "getting dumped" and being devastated and then going into another relationship.

IN this r, you' have been left 3 times... Why would this be any different? Forget the tears.


I'm still struggling with social things though. I keep an eye on Meetup.com but there is literally nothing that appeals to me there. It's either quilting groups, or the bar-hopping scene, and even furries (google it if you've never heard of them).


Wow, really? Where do you live? I saw zero bar hopping groups and I have joined a writer's group. Also there is a film group I'm interested in too, so if you are too shy, you can watch and then discuss the film so there's a topic. And there are acting groups and theaters to do crew work if you like back stage stuff.

Sports teams to join, lessons to take, musical instruments to study, volunteer work,
and more.






Thornton,

IF there is a chance for your m to work out, it'd be by really being apart and I mean NOT near her mother and Not by you moving across country. That would greatly increase your dependence on her.

And you'd be away from your d.

I can see zero reason to join her and it reminds me of H going off to Alaska and expecting me to join him, again.

Thank God I didn't b/c that state would have $ucked for me legally if we divorced

and what if he was was OW then? Not cool.

At least I have a support system here...

I cannot emphasize enough how bad an idea it would be for you to join her.

She can return to you if she is truly a different woman IN TIME, but I would expect her to date and deny it

and to temperature check after she leaves...

I'd also expect her to change the date of her move b/c she's "not sure" again...

Your growth is affecting her so keep it up. NOT b/c it's affecting her but b/c it's good for you

and yes, from a DB standpoint it is working.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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Originally Posted By: Thornton
I just bought a new truck and I've been looking at kayaks. I used to be an avid fisherman but I would like to have a fishing kayak so I can get out the good parts of the resevoirs I plan to fish.

That's GREAT, man!
Quote:
and even furries (google it if you've never heard of them)

I know I encouraged you to do things outside your comfort zone, but trust me, stay the hell away from that! smile Furries are a bunch of nuts.

Some humor for you: Geek Hierarchy


Just keep swimming
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