A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves #2741289
04/29/17 05:59 PM
04/29/17 05:59 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
J
JujuB Offline OP
Member
JujuB  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
Previous Thread:

The excitement of what if

"GOD does for us what we cannot do for ourselves"

I am not religious or spiritual for that matter. We were raised without any religion. I do not even know if I believe in GOD. But I took great comfort in this quote, so on some level I must believe somehow.

When I first came onto these boards, I had no understanding of what was going on. I tried to make sense of it. It was really hard for me to accept it because everything was shaded in this giant cloak of secrecy.

My STBX continues to deny gambling, and infidelity. He recently admitted to a problem with alcohol. (which I was oblivious to until I went through really old credit card statements) He would neither admit to nor deny a more serious drug problem. There is a lot of financial indications that point this way. As did everything else. I went back and read a lot of my old posts. My descriptions of my ex and our marriage all pointed to some one living with an addict.

I had no clue. I was really oblivious to the signs. I do not think I was a codependent. Only someone very ignorant and someone that was easily deflected and gaslighted.

I am very sick over this, because it seems like the drugs he has a problem with are drugs that are not easy to overcome. I am pretty sure that they are hard core. Its sad because he just had everything going for him. He is so smart. He went to top schools and earned top grades in an area that is certainly not easy. He is a hard worker and was always able to figure out things that others could not. At one time he was really a nice guy. He cried during my labor because of the complications and pain I was going through.

He really turned into someone that was so manipulative and so selfish and so evasive. It was this slow progression and hard to recognize and identify. I knew something was wrong. I was mad and resentful of him frequently because of many of these very selfish behaviors and because of the lack of transparency. And it all now makes sense. I was living in this really crazy and unfair world that slowly got worse and made less and less sense.

If I found out and he did not leave me, I do not know what I would have done. I do not think I would have left him. But I would not have reacted well to all that loss of money. We had so much potential as a couple. We were 2 professionals. Yet, here I am living with my parents like a knocked up teenager.

I am conflicted because I know this is a disease. I know now that he left me, because the only way he could avoid facing his financial destruction was to end our marriage and blame me. If i had found out, which I would have he would have had to answer to me. He would have had to admit something, that he is not even admitting to now. (he cannot because of custody and legal implications). He refused a drug test. He continues to deflect and his main concern is ensuring his own resources. He is still functioning at a high level (if you ignore huge amounts of debt and financial mismanagment and no more marriage). I know that in a few years, he cannot sustain this and its really sad.

In the after school television programs, they admit there is a problem, apologize and get better. That's not really the case here. When I asked him about all the money that was unaccounted for his response was "it was my money. I could spend it anyway I wanted" we were a married couple that had moved in with my parents because I thought we needed to save for a house.

But here's the thing. I don't feel good moving on. I don't get this great sense of satisfaction thinking of a future and listening to Gloria Gaynor. I feel really sad for how this turned out. Like its this bad dream I cannot wait to wake up from. Or perhaps like its this alternate path in my life that was never going to be actually lived by me.

I am just so normal. I do not like to stand out. I like being free of drama and conflict and I always made decisions based on practicality. So this being my life is hard to deal with. I hate that at work, I am pittied. The person that people will feel bad for. I feel really bad for my STBX because he is similar to me in that regard, yet this seems to have fallen upon him. And I know how ashamed he would be if he was capable of really seeing what happened. I do not know if he will be able to ever fact the reality of what he has done.

So right now, I have really mixed feelings. I do not know how to proceed. I need to realize that he is not him anymore and keep my son protected, but at the same time I need to be realistic and work within the system and look at things from a grayer perspective. I have to make decisions on how to proceed. I need to worry about the best financial arrangement for my son and I, but at what cost? And understanding that if ex does not get help there is little future any how.

Last edited by job; 04/30/17 04:43 AM. Reason: Add link to previous thread

M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB] #2741811
05/03/17 12:19 PM
05/03/17 12:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 32
D
Deckard Offline
Member
Deckard  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 32
Originally Posted By: JujuB
I like being free of drama and conflict and I always made decisions based on practicality. So this being my life is hard to deal with. I hate that at work, I am pittied. The person that people will feel bad for.


Hey JuJuB,

I think you meant the following instead of the above: "My situation has shown me that people care about me because I'm a good person with good guts. They know that, unfortunately, bad things happen to good people and are concerned about me."

Can you look in the mirror and say 'I love you'? I hope so, because I've read most of what you've posted here and you have good guts.

Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB] #2741818
05/03/17 01:33 PM
05/03/17 01:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,087
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,087
Quote:
I need to worry about the best financial arrangement for my son and I, but at what cost?


Do not worry about the cost to your H. Any money you get from him is money saved from being pissed away on his addictions. You will actually be in a better position to offer him help if he does get sober in the future, if you get a really good settlement now.

Also don't fall into the trap of thinking if you're "nice" to him in the negotiations and don't ask for everything you are due, he will be more likely to come back. It NEVER works that way on these boards. Never.

Get the most you can to help you raise your son because your H is likely to be a deadbeat dad in the near future.

Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB] #2741936
05/04/17 11:32 AM
05/04/17 11:32 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Denver
Underdog Offline
Member
Underdog  Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Denver
Hey Ju,

I'm not on much anymore, but I felt the pull of your post. Just dropping in to add a few pennies to the conversation and give you stuff to consider.

I'm the sister of a drug addicted brother, who lost his life to complications from that addiction 2 1/2 years ago. I'm now also close to his XW.

Quote:
because it seems like the drugs he has a problem with are drugs that are not easy to overcome. I am pretty sure that they are hard core.


I cannot emphasize this sentiment enough. Do you actually know why drug addiction is a disease? I heard that bandied about most of my early adult life, and it wasn't until much later that I found out. Some drugs, the instant they are taken, change the chemical makeup of the brain. Once that happens, for the individuals who are affected by the changes, it can't go back to the old wiring. With help, those neurologic events can be bypassed. Without help, they cannot.

So like people with many other diseases, it can be treated but never cured.

You can't want sobriety for him more than he does. You can't fix this - you're a bystander who happens to love him.

Quote:
At one time he was really a nice guy. He cried during my labor because of the complications and pain I was going through.


I absolutely believe you. My brother was sweet and considerate with a big heart when he wasn't in his addict mode. He can't help it. His addiction has taken over his life.

Quote:
He really turned into someone that was so manipulative and so selfish and so evasive.


Yep, they're the best liars and manipulators on the planet. And if you feel gaslighted, I'm here to say I can promise he engineered that. It's how they are able to hide things as long as they can. I'm not here to tell you my story with it - it's ugly and painful and the ending was as cathartic as it comes. There was healing in his passing.

Quote:
In the after school television programs, they admit there is a problem, apologize and get better.


That's because they want to instill hope that there can be treatment. But it starts with the addict and ends with them. If they are not willing to do everything possible to maintain sobriety, it will NEVER have a happy ending.

Quote:
But here's the thing. I don't feel good moving on.


Quote:
I am just so normal. I do not like to stand out. I like being free of drama and conflict and I always made decisions based on practicality. So this being my life is hard to deal with.


I can promise you that you already stand out. You're also a walking soap opera because of him. You are a casualty in his war, and this drama is not one to attack with practicality.

Quote:
I hate that at work, I am pittied. The person that people will feel bad for.


I say this in peace, my friend. At some point, some people won't extend compassion. You will be a reasonable person who isn't willing to stand up for herself and her son and some people will be unkind to your face and some will talk behind your back. They will disrespect you. You might even jeopardize your relationship with your son down the road.

Quote:
And I know how ashamed he would be if he was capable of really seeing what happened. I do not know if he will be able to ever fact the reality of what he has done.


Listen, I'm sure he *is* ashamed. But his addiction holds all the cards and he can't change course until he's willing to hit rock bottom and claw his way back to the top. Very few (in the grand scheme of addiction) in that war decide to do it, but I do know quite a few who have.

My SIL was counseled by her parents, my dad, my sister and I to protect herself and their 2 girls. They owned a business together, and my brother siphoned all of it for heroin. She was left with pretty much nothing and has had to claw her own way back. Although she loved my brother (and still does), she divorced him to protect her children from the financial free fall he was putting them through. She took over the reins of their business and employed my brother. And her subsequent amour wound up liking my brother and making him a death bed promise to take care of his girls, and promised that he would always keep his memory alive in the youngest (who was 6 at the time).

Three years later, we're still able to make sure that she has a relationship with the living man who loves her and not the ghost she once loved.

You aren't the first person to love an addict, Ju. It's a heart breaking path, especially when the addict just can't seem to stay clean. If you were my sister or friend in real life, I would have this conversation with you on an ongoing and supportive basis.

I loved my brother with all my heart. I miss him. He and I had the same quirky and sometimes evil sense of humor, and we found a way to communicate with each other when we were angry. Toward the end, I had to shut him out of my life - he left a swath of destruction in his wake, and EVERYONE he loved and who loved him was caught in the web. We loved each other and all felt the same way, but we turned on each other out of sheer frustration. My brother provided peace and healing in this wide wake with his passing - and we've all committed to each other that we have each other's backs.

My niece turns 9 next month. And I think it's absolutely awful that she has to grow up without a dad because he couldn't find her reason enough to claw his way to permanent sobriety. I was super angry with him for a long time after he died. I was taking his daughter places and thinking, "A*hole, this is YOUR job." (Not that I hate doing it, it's just that he would have had a blast doing it - if that makes any sense.)

You love a person whose demons, by virtue of their physical properties, have a bigger hold on him than anything else in this world. Nothing you can do or say will change this, Ju.

I don't want you to not have hope. I know you're not a religious person, but you DO have spiritualism in you. It doesn't take much to meditate and offer positive thoughts to heal the situation. Direct those thoughts toward him and yourself. Find a few Youtube videos on meditation. It's a spiritual form of prayer. And just because you weren't raised that way doesn't mean there isn't healthy benefits to the practice. laugh

The system can only protect you if you protect yourself first. After that, you can still offer him the chance to connect with you and your son when it's good for you. You can offer him support without being sucked into the quicksand. That's called loving detachment. It really does work.

Big hugs for you, sister. It's a tough road to hoe. You deserve to live your life the way you want to - and that might mean leaving him be to figure things out while you move forward. (Notice I did not say move on. Moving forward means loving yourself first and putting your son's needs above all else. He deserves that.)

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: Underdog] #2742173
05/06/17 06:57 AM
05/06/17 06:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
Member
Vanilla  Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
Underdog

Addiction really causes so much destruction.

The Giggalo is a compulsive gambler, this stuff destroys lives, families and stability.

My prayers.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: Vanilla] #2742194
05/06/17 10:01 AM
05/06/17 10:01 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
J
JujuB Offline OP
Member
JujuB  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
Thank you all for your posts and responses. They really mean so much.

This discovery has been really, really hard for me.

All the secrecy. The double life he led. This scares me so much. I just feel so naive. I think I am in a pretty deep depression and not quite sure how long this will last. Doing things that are unstructured (work, taking care of son) are challenging. I just seem to lie in bed or google stuff on addicts. And its not productive.

I feel lonely, but when i spent times with friends last night I still felt lonely. All of my friends had stability and partnerships. They are in great places of their lives. They are building futures. And I am at a bottom. (i am just hoping no more landslides down)

It feels different then BD. At that time, I felt hope that there could be reconciliation. I felt MOTIVATED to work on myself. My ego was deeply wounded and I felt motivated to be be attractive and to do. I do not feel that way right now.

Instead I just feel defeated.

He took away so much from me. Things that were communicated and we were in agreement with from the beginning of our committment. Financial stability, and more children.

He kept everything a secret. He deprived me of a relationship. If i had known, I would have had a choice. It would have been more of a partnership because he would have been sharing something with me that affected us as a whole.

I always said, we never had a team unit.

Its been almost 2 years since he left. And I am really struggling to move forward. To be productive. Doing the mundane right now. This is challenging me.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB] #2742199
05/06/17 11:39 AM
05/06/17 11:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
((( JuJu )))




Originally Posted By: JujuB
Thank you all for your posts and responses. They really mean so much.

This discovery has been really, really hard for me.

All the secrecy. The double life he led. This scares me so much.


because you think differently of yourself in the past, now?

Or the gas lighting?

And Or the addiction itself?


I just feel so naive. I think I am in a pretty deep depression and not quite sure how long this will last. Doing things that are unstructured (work, taking care of son) are challenging. I just seem to lie in bed or google stuff on addicts. And its not productive.


Juju, 2 questions-- is it okay to be sad awhile? And, why is it non productive?

I ask myself the same question

at what point is the self examination and study to learn from this crap, turning into depression and wallowing and being stuck...?

I don't know. Maybe when I get too sick & tired, of feeling sick & tired...?



I feel lonely, but when i spent times with friends last night I still felt lonely. All of my friends had stability and partnerships. They are in great places of their lives. They are building futures.


hmm...like on fb with highlight reels? Or do you really believe that they have no challenges in their life? I'm not debating, just probing your view...of course I'm not where you are in stage of life. But your second guessing & asking "what happened and when??" really resonates.

One thing my T said that helped, was realizing that I believed things were true, b/c I wanted to validate my choice to stay, (subconsciously).

That itself does not make me - or you - stupid. Sometimes you just have to trust the love of your life.



And I am at a bottom. (i am just hoping no more landslides down)

It feels different then BD. At that time, I felt hope that there could be reconciliation. I felt MOTIVATED to work on myself. My ego was deeply wounded and I felt motivated to be be attractive and to do. I do not feel that way right now.

Instead I just feel defeated.


could it be your form of resignation and acceptance? Are those required for you to detach fully, to no longer have him as a factor in your choices?

Is that^^ bad?

Before you realized the core issue, or that his inner turmoil was not something you had any control over at all, you DBd and believed your course of action could change the marriage. I totally get that.

The feeling of being "defeated" after years of feeling you could make a difference... resonates with me but for different reasons.

So if we and our children are collateral damage in a struggle not of our making, now what?


He took away so much from me. Things that were communicated and we were in agreement with from the beginning of our committment. Financial stability, and more children.

He kept everything a secret. He deprived me of a relationship. If i had known, I would have had a choice. It would have been more of a partnership because he would have been sharing something with me that affected us as a whole.

I always said, we never had a team unit.


I'm nodding and getting this^^^^...

cry
no words




Its been almost 2 years since he left. And I am really struggling to move forward. To be productive. Doing the mundane right now. This is challenging me.



you may feel lonely, but you are not alone.

How long has it been since you fully realized the core problem and extent?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2742207
05/06/17 01:31 PM
05/06/17 01:31 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
J
JujuB Offline OP
Member
JujuB  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
Its been almost 2 weeks since I realized what the core problem was. It was only through financial disclosure that I figured it out. He had over 50 grand per year of unexplained money being pulled out from ATMS in really nasty neighborhoods. In addition to credit card debt and withdrawing large sums from his IRA. In addition to a decent amount of money being spent per month at liquor stores on his credit card.

For years, he was so evasive. Especially regarding finances. He was always disappearing, and always in the bathroom. Weird things that I look back on now as well. Like he knew A LOT more about pharmacology then your average person. He could not wake up in the mornings with alarms blasting for 2 hours (i am not exaggerating) He missed picking son up from preschool because of this. Certain physical issues and ailments. He had a group of friends that I never saw, that I knew were into bad drugs I just assumed he outgrew them.

Now, I still have no actual proof. He refused a drug test. Husband was never around for me to see any behaviors that would indicate drug use. He was awake all night, and constantly gone. There is a chance that he was taking money out and just hiding it. But why from the bad neighborhoods completely out of the way? Why withdrawals of cash every single day? If he is using, he is very high functioning. I was told by a drug counselor/social worker that that is very common of opiate users.

I came on here as Julieh in summer of 2015 not really understanding what was going on. He shared all the symptoms of every other walk away spouse on here.

The only difference, is that many posters on here talked about a great love and friendship and relationship that they missed. And I never felt that. I felt like my marriage was always void of a partner. Like I was begging for team mate and he just wasnt around.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2742214
05/06/17 02:37 PM
05/06/17 02:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
J
JujuB Offline OP
Member
JujuB  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,858
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
((( JuJu )))




Originally Posted By: JujuB
Thank you all for your posts and responses. They really mean so much.

This discovery has been really, really hard for me.

All the secrecy. The double life he led. This scares me so much.


because you think differently of yourself in the past, now?

Or the gas lighting?

And Or the addiction itself?


the addiction bothers me tremendously. It feels as if I just discovered my STBX has AIDs. I am afraid for how it can progress and for how it can affect my 6 year old son. But also the gas lighting. That was the worst part of BD and now I am realizing how much it made up our relationship. I would bring things up to him and he would deflect or make it out like I was difficult and stubborn and nagging and controlling. I thought I was a horrible wife and person when he left. I entered a short termed relationship, and really see how compliant I was to things I should not have been because I wanted to proove to myself how selfless and non controlling I was. I dont know who I am any more

I just feel so naive. I think I am in a pretty deep depression and not quite sure how long this will last. Doing things that are unstructured (work, taking care of son) are challenging. I just seem to lie in bed or google stuff on addicts. And its not productive.


Juju, 2 questions-- is it okay to be sad awhile? And, why is it non productive?

I ask myself the same question

at what point is the self examination and study to learn from this crap, turning into depression and wallowing and being stuck...?

I don't know. Maybe when I get too sick & tired, of feeling sick & tired...?




I guess I feel time ticking away. I am almost 40.
I want to move forward. I want a parntership with someone. But I feel held down from all the secrets. from all the legal decisions I have to make. Most of all From the financial mis management. But also From the sadness. People say, "it should not matter just move forward" And they are right. I am so unhappy. The truth is, I do not want my ex back. And i have not wanted him back for a while now. So that is not holding me back. I dont really know what is.


I feel lonely, but when i spent times with friends last night I still felt lonely. All of my friends had stability and partnerships. They are in great places of their lives. They are building futures.


hmm...like on fb with highlight reels? Or do you really believe that they have no challenges in their life? I'm not debating, just probing your view...of course I'm not where you are in stage of life. But your second guessing & asking "what happened and when??" really resonates.

One thing my T said that helped, was realizing that I believed things were true, b/c I wanted to validate my choice to stay, (subconsciously).

That itself does not make me - or you - stupid. Sometimes you just have to trust the love of your life.



I think my problem was truly that I believe others to be like me. I was very trusting regarding my husband. I told him everything. I just expected the same from him. The double life is scary. But also there were signs that something was wrong. I approached, I fought, I complained. Torwards the end, I catered to him....That was the most humiliating part.

And I am at a bottom. (i am just hoping no more landslides down)

It feels different then BD. At that time, I felt hope that there could be reconciliation. I felt MOTIVATED to work on myself. My ego was deeply wounded and I felt motivated to be be attractive and to do. I do not feel that way right now.

Instead I just feel defeated.


could it be your form of resignation and acceptance? Are those required for you to detach fully, to no longer have him as a factor in your choices?

Is that^^ bad?

[color:#FF0000] Perhaps. And it might not be bad. I know now that he is incapable of rational thought. I know that he is incapable of a healthy relationship. He is just empty. To have done what he did and reacted to me the way that he did says a lot about him. Not me. I am ashamed for him. And see him for a very weak man. This was progressing for about 7 years though. And does not take away from some pretty bad behaviors I exhibited in our relationship as well.

But I dont know if my bad behaviors were a reaction to his, or just bad.


Before you realized the core issue, or that his inner turmoil was not something you had any control over at all, you DBd and believed your course of action could change the marriage. I totally get that.

The feeling of being "defeated" after years of feeling you could make a difference... resonates with me but for different reasons.

So if we and our children are collateral damage in a struggle not of our making, now what?[/color]

Now what? Once I figure that out, I will be ok.
But thats the scary part. What do I do with this new information?
It has custody implications. It has financial implications. I am struggling with this and I just dont know what to do. Do i legally fight for money that is most likely gone? The fight is expensive and will he even be able to pay back that money in the future? He declines drug tests. How do i know if my son will be safe. Will more conflict cause him more stress and more drug use? Will him having to pay me back more money cause him to seek cheaper and even more fatal drugs? this is the stressful part.



He took away so much from me. Things that were communicated and we were in agreement with from the beginning of our committment. Financial stability, and more children.

He kept everything a secret. He deprived me of a relationship. If i had known, I would have had a choice. It would have been more of a partnership because he would have been sharing something with me that affected us as a whole.

I always said, we never had a team unit.


I'm nodding and getting this^^^^...

cry
no words




Its been almost 2 years since he left. And I am really struggling to move forward. To be productive. Doing the mundane right now. This is challenging me.



you may feel lonely, but you are not alone.

How long has it been since you fully realized the core problem and extent?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB] #2742250
05/07/17 04:22 AM
05/07/17 04:22 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
Member
Vanilla  Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
After a deep and meaningful conversation with myself, and yes I answered and argued back! I believe I have concluded the following phases:

Target- including the love bombing and sweet cycle phases, manipulation and gaslighting, unaware, in 'lurve', hopes for the future, slightly bewitched, bothered and bewildered

Spell break - an incident or series of incidents to the red pill

Victim- staying to try and 'work' it out, self blaming, questioning, fear, dread and being treated badly, bullying and hurt daily, being great negative supply, knowing it's not ok but staying anyway, this was the long and very destructive phase of control and part denial

Grand finale: discard, drama, one major incident following challenge, mask falls completely from other, snake dead eyes, real fear of harm and injury, death threats and warnings of financial destruction

Boundary- gradually setting boundaries and becoming stronger, firm in NC

Recovery and Survival- peace and reading, uncovering, utube, learning, courses, IC, medical help, therapies of all sorts, dodging, more NC, drawing it out until I stabilise, being able to enforce boundaries, exercise, great eating, extreme self care, gradually feeling safer but triggered, cleansing, purifying and becoming

Fight back- (where I am now), standing firm on boundaries, defending divorce actions, legal cases, beginning to have a normal life, social life beyond family and friends, leaving home in the evenings

Thriving- freedom I hope!

--------------------

Juju

The lying in bed thing with research on addiction. It's part of the Kubler Ross phase, I stuck there for 9 to 12 months. You will get to a point of being gorged on it, sick to know more and still thinking somewhere there is magic.

It is ok to do this, truly, and in abuse sitches with gaslighting and mirrors, addiction and waste it isn't depression. Anxiety, exhaustion and trauma maybe. It ok, you are supposed to do this, it is a great sign that healing has begun. I guess that's a very tough phase to be in when your adrenals have exhausted and you are weary to the bones. It's ok, your broken heart will heal, extreme self care, great food, some exercise, lots of rest, extreme, extreme, extreme, and if I haven't said so extreme.

The loved ones of addicts reaaerch for a medication, a treatment, a word, a process that wilL make it OK. Eventually you will come to see acceptance in it. That it isn't your journey, and the peace will come and on to the next phase. This knowledge, this search for meaning is part of that which is needed to reach the higher self. And when it comes to you, the deep understanding that you rely and have care and love for yourself, that it's enough, this frees you from your loved ones and let's you allow them their path, even if that is to destruction. That is their choice.

Big hugs, you know where I am if you need a little Internet hug or a tiny bootstrap.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004