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good luck on the exam sweets. glad you checked in to let us know you were ok. xoxoxo sending you good thoughts.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi there..

Congratulations on flicking the blood sucking tick from your life. You know what is one of the best things about rehab? He has people around him who are knowledgeable, supportive and can call him on BS. This is a great time to let him know where you stand! And he learns the consequences of his actions.

The question is.. how do you change the tape in your head from what's safest for him to what's healthiest for you?

Sending good thoughts and apologies if I overstepped.

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Not so much worried about what's safest for him, as about what's safest for ME. If he leaves rehab and goes back out on the street smoking crack, I will NOT feel safe. The longer he stays in that rehab, the better the chance he will stay sober for a while and not be a threat. I'm waiting until his intensive program with psychiatrists and stuff starts st the beginning of June, as I think he will then have better support to get through me telling him it's all over. I'm being pretty much a gray rock but just haven't had the final talk yet because I'm waiting for that.

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Morning Ellie,
Yes, I think you are wise. Also, I'm sure you've changed locks, alarm codes, etc. Even if you think he doesn't know the code or have a key - change it anyway. Better safe than to find out some other way that he has access. Again, I'm sure you've thought of this.

Extricating yourself with surgical precision while making sure there's no excess bleeding is a great plan.

Have you thought about Alanon or Naranon meetings, short term? Might be helpful.

Also, just wanted to say that I am in the throes of re-reading my threads - a page from Cali's book - and from the beginning you were always very supportive. I truly appreciate that.
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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What a nightmare scenario and prudent plan.

bttrfly's post says it all.

Did you used to play drums in a band?

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Good Morning Ellie!

What exam are you studying for ? Did you get a new car yet? I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a Mazda 5...have you checked those out? VERY roomy inside with the seats down and has a nice sporty drive to it.

So... I don't know about you, but my recent break up with my guy has made me question a LOT about myself. Things like...

*what red flags did I miss?
*what kind of self talk do I do to accept less than the best?

My ex-boyfriend was a great balm for my damaged self-worth...in the beginning. But as things progressed I ended up carrying more of the load emotionally and financially. It was very hard to un entangle...but now that I have everything is so much better.

I'm glad SEB is two hours away. Take care of yourself!

Quote:
The question is.. how do you change the tape in your head from what's safest for him to what's healthiest for you?


SG


Survival Goddess
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker






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The exam was for a new, official, integrative medicine board. I have the opportunity to be grandfathered in; after this, new applicants will have to do a fellowship. The test was a bear, keeping fingers crossed. Luckily they were simple multiple choice questions, so even when guessing I could usually eliminate two answers and have a 50:50 chance of being right on my remaining guess.

Yes, I used to play drums in a band. Will start looking again for a new band in the summer, have been too busy with this other stuff plus playing some vibraphone gigs with my friend whose new album just came out ( my first official recording credit!).

Going to have a girls hangout with my friend today, saw the new Alien movie with my son this morning.

Chatted with a couple of my ex-boyfriends about the situation, they've been a nice support.

I feel slightly more relaxed with my exam over, although my youngest is suffering pretty badly from depression and that's a big worry. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have a conference to go to in a couple of weeks, that will be a good mental distraction.

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Quote:
So... I don't know about you, but my recent break up with my guy has made me question a LOT about myself. Things like...

*what red flags did I miss?
*what kind of self talk do I do to accept less than the best?


I think my self talk was fine - here was a guy who was ready and available for a relationship and treated me like a princess. Or at least that was how he presented. I certainly felt like I deserved to be treated like a princess, so I didn't question that part!

The red flags? He was awfully smooth, so they weren't all that easy to see, but in retrospect:

- a couple of suspicious events that he explained away. I'm probably not suspicious enough.

- the bigger red flag, which I ignored in my ex and in SEB, which I never should have ignored: a tendency towards dishonesty in little things. I'm a super honest girl scout type, and I guess I've just come to accept that not everyone sees things as black and white as I do. I'll never ignore it again though if I'm dating someone who tries to game the system in ANY way.

- and although it didn't play a direct role that I can see, SEB had OCD like my ex. I always thought at least it wasn't directed towards me the way ex's was, and I have kids with OCD. But next time I'm not going to date anyone with OCD, bad luck for me.

- and the elephant in the room - he's the first person I ever dated with an addiction history. He charmed me into believing he was so solid in his recovery, and seemed so great in other ways, that I accepted the inherent risk in his history. But now that I understand the very high statistical risk of sociopathy in someone with a history like his, I won't ever be so naive again.

What WOULD I like in a new guy? Not sure I even want one - I may become a Love Avoidant casual dater myself. But - it would be nice to have someone who treated me like SEB did and was HONEST. I liked being pampered for the first time in my life. I liked being with someone who spoke my love language of physical touch. SEB was smart but not intellectual; I did miss having someone to share books and movies with. I'd like any future guy to be someone I could share more intellectual things with.

Also any future guy has to have his financial house in order. Even though I didn't support SEB, his finances/spending habits/ other issues were a strain on me, took up more worry energy than I should have been expending. In fact, I realize none of the guys I dated since my divorce really had their act together financially. (Even the first guy, who owned a restaurant and seemed stable; a while after our breakup, a leak from his coffee machine flooded the shop below. He had let his insurance lapse and ended up losing his restaurant. )

So - I realize that even though I'm not financially supporting any of these guys, if they're not fiscally responsible I feel the anxiety in my own life. Any next guy needs to be a true adult where money is concerned.

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Does it sound too materialistic to say financial solvency is on my list of "must haves"?

I've already been warned that people our age often look for "a nurse or a purse" and I don't want to be either.

Am I on to something or going in the wrong direction?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I'm so over the grandpa boyfriend wannabes!!! and the kids looking for a cougar aren't too high on my list either.

Ellie I'm sure you knocked it out of the park on the exam. Glad you're at least thinking of what you'd like if you did move forward with another person.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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