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Quote:
So my rambling point is that yes I look forward to the D being done soon, (if done fairly to me).
I look forward to making choices NOT involving = "how will it look to h if I do this?"


So does this mean you'll wait to have that freedom until he no longer bothers you? Or is threatening you with some sort of legal action? I hope that's not that the case, 25. I hope you aren't waiting on external factors.




Quote:
The question my children have asked me, more than once, is why I stayed so long after it became clear (to them, anyhow) that h was mistreating me.

This^^^ is a hard thing to hear. It's NOT how great or sacrificial or martyr like it was of me to stay, but how *unhealthy*.
I struggled with stuff like this for a long time. I have to reming myself who is on the planet for whom - me for the kids or the kids for me? My thought on this? Do they know what 'healthy' is? Do they understsand what it's like to contemplate throwing away a 25+ year relationship vs. holding out hope that it'll change? Do they understand that there are more important things than "me"? and that can extend to relationships? I hope they get that, because if you were all about "me" then you'd have left them and the H years ago. Trust me, I've seen it smile


Quote:
I believed the best case scenario (best for my ego) every chance I had.
Do you plan to change this about yourself? Hope is not a crime. It's not even wrong in many philosophies, nor harmful. There is so much more for you to see and experience, 25. Well beyond the 'me' of this world or the 'get what you're entitled to' mentality of our culture. To really experience life, there is soooooo much more, if you ask me. Both what may be perceived as good or not good.

These are the thoughts that will lead you down a dark path, 25. Because in that light of 'me' first, you'll seriously have to wonder why you stayed. And then you'll wonder who you are. Then you'll lose hope and faith in first humanity, and then yourself. And it only goes down hill from there. Ask me how I know....

You'll need to answer the question, 25. You can't avoid it becuase your kids will want to know. They'll ask and they'll need an answer.

I remember you talking in the past, and I'm not sure that re-remembering your reasons will serve you well. Maybe. But it's hard to see that as a positive step.

Personally, if being an optimist is a crime, or it leads to people thinking I have ludomania, then fine. They can deal with that.

As for me, I like who I am and how I view things. With some adjustments based on experience.

Peace,
AJM


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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AJM

thanks for the thoughtful reply.

No, I don't mean that I need externals to remove h as a factor in decisions, I just need time. When I do it for awhile, I feel a lot better but that nagging voice of "really, 25? You want to do that??"

Financially once things are settled, I'll be able to act on my own path better. (No money this month in the mail or bank, btw...)

His refusal to abide by court orders erodes my confidence in planning, and it feels very manipulative of h. Not to mention him quitting the "Greatest job EVER" just to be underemployed. (Yes I have a L and the thing that people do not realize is that going to court for contempt when his claim is that he's unemployed will either result in what I'm going for anyhow, at the end of July -- i.e. pay up--- OR it will not so there's no incentive at this point, in my taking him to court since we are already scheduled to go at the end of July.

his lawyer DID ask mine about a settlement or finalization and that has appeal to me

but I want it to appeal for the right reasons, NOT Just to get this over with...

As for whether my kids know what it's like to throw away a 35 year marriage, no they don't. Clearly. But they are entitled to their feelings too and they are angry at h and frustrated with me when I say anything remotely similar to an explanation for their dad's behavior ("stop defending him!")

I will sort out my feelings about it all, and will at least tell them to back off a bit, in time.

They want to help me, which I dearly appreciate. But some of their opinions are just theirs...not necessarily valid.

But some are valid, and there were things I hid from OBVIOUSLY and that is on me at some level. I'm mostly second guessing myself about the past but that won't last too long I hope.

AJM, No I don't think I'll be jaded with other men, (which is ironic, I know!)

It's like I don't think I could be THIS hurt again. So there's not that much risk.

Not b/c I'd hold back on love, but b/c I'm going through the worst thing now (along with mom dying and the sh1tty medical crisis last fall --okay 2016 was a lousy year for me, to be honest)

but I'm okay. Still here. Plus I usually believe that I'm a good catch and most men seem friendly to me. They flirt. But sure, when the man you marry and bear children with ends up choosing a place and "adventure" and OW over you, it cannot help but hit our egos at a deep level...lots of work to fight that - and I'm trying.

more later...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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How to link (this is easiest with two windows open part 2 and part 3)

Start with old thread first, linking to new one

1. Switch to full screen reply mode on old thread: last post last thread ie part 2

2. Open up a new thread in a new window on your tablet or computer called say 10 years later....part 3 from newcombers screen

3. Go full screen reply mode on the new part 3 thread now both part 2 and 3 are full screen mode

4. Go to the very top of the old screen (part 2) to the w ww.divorcingbusting.com/forums/.....part 2 address bar

5. Copy all the text in the address bar

6. Then on new thread use button second in line with the worldpluslink you can find it between smiley and envelope. paste all you saved ww w..... to the end of the phrase http. then next screen and type : last post on part 2

Note:Don't forget to preview post then submit, in preview 'last post on part 2' is written in colour as the 'label' and has the link hidden under it to the old post

-----------

Then reverse it

Take the wwww.divorce busting........part 3 address

Copy all

Go to old thread (part 2)

Open linky world icon and paste part 3 address, then label : first post part 3

Preview and submit

Voila

V

Please note gap in www above is deliberate to stop it being an address. Don't type the gap.


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Quote:
No, I don't mean that I need externals to remove h as a factor in decisions, I just need time
I hear you. For me, I described it as perspective. It has taken me much longer to get that perspective than I'd like, but nonetheless I think we're describing similar things. I get it.

Quote:
As for whether my kids know what it's like to throw away a 35 year marriage, no they don't. Clearly. But they are entitled to their feelings too and they are angry at h and frustrated with me when I say anything remotely similar to an explanation for their dad's behavior ("stop defending him!")

I will sort out my feelings about it all, and will at least tell them to back off a bit, in time.
Could I clarify that and make a suggestion? What I was getting at there is that you should be careful listening to others, your children included. And for the same reason. They are hurt and want you to be ok. I'm not suggesting their feelings aren't valid. Not by a long shot. I think they hurt as much or more than you do. They had NO choice in this at all. They have every right and then some to be angry and frustrated. To feel like their foundation in this world that helped them understand it, was ripped out from under them. It's tragic at the very least and very very sad.

I wouldn't think at this point you're trying to defend him. Rather, I read in your posts that you are trying to make sense of things. And just for fun, you're going through some tough times without your life=long partner, who by the way, pulled the rug out from under you in a long game. I think you could maybe add being destitute to that list and you'd have a royal flush of a hand. Oh wait...

You're right when you say that nobody could hurt you more. There isn't a person on the planet that could. There likely never will be again because you've proven you can take the hit and get back up. Not to say you can't love like that again and be hurt again. You can and you should and you will.

Quote:
But some are valid, and there were things I hid from OBVIOUSLY and that is on me at some level. I'm mostly second guessing myself about the past but that won't last too long I hope.
It is those things you hid from, that I think you may want to dig into. Why? So that you can have peace with your choices. Side note: I see countless people, myself at one point included, that either conciously or sub-conciously determine that they'll never date or get involved with someone like "that" again. If you ask me, it's not that simple, 25. You were attracted to him for a reason. You did things for a reason. You hid things for a reason and you hoped for a reason. Maybe you hoped beyond reason. Maybe not. But if you take the time to understand those things about yourself, when you're able, I think you'll be better for it. And if you tell yourself it's ok to make those choices, you'll be fine regardless of the outcome, I know you'll be better for it.

Don't kid yourself, 25. It's a big injury. My conselor at the time described it as an IED type event that I neither expected (I didn't) nor defended against. At least, I didn't actively fight against it in the scheme of things. Why? Because it wasn't about me. I couldn't see the problems come up until they had already surfaced. She made sure of that for some reason I'll never know. During that time, my grandfather, who raised me as his own after my mom died when i was a kid and my father lost his marbles for a while, died of alzheimers. Shortly after, my grandmother was diagnosed with the same. Just for fun, my only sister, whom I'm close with, was diagnosed with brain and spine cancer. My father died. My daughter decided to blame me for who knows what and hasn't spoken to me since. And to add the cherry on top? My work was actively trying to fire me for unknown reasons. During that time, my son was taking very expensive medication and my insurance changed. They wanted about 10K a month for his meds and I could barely keep the job or pay the bills at the time. I got into an accident (cop said not my fault, but it totaled my car.) And while all this was going on, the ex was playing games with the lawyers (paid for by her mom and OM). Ex and the OM were harassing me and my kids to the point I almost filed with the county. I was in the suck for sure.

For perspective, there were also a lot of good things going on in my life. My good friends moved in with me for a few months. They're like my second family now. My son and I are very close. Closer than before all of this. My sister is doing fine. Later, the manager that was harassing me, was fired instead...I felt vindicated. He also later (years) apologized to me for his behavior, which was nice. I got a new and more interesting job. My kids both went off to college. I made a lot of new and dear friends. I have a roommate who is a close friend of mine. I dated some great women. Some for longer than others. I also had some fun and wild times with a few others. I bought a different car that I fixed up, and repaired the totaled car (that was costly but...) and gave it away to a friend in need. She was worse off than me. I became a leader in my church again. I taught confirmation to middle schoolers. I got a degree. I kept the house. The list goes on.

And you know what I see in that? I see life. Not good or bad, 25. Just life. I learned to not be bitter or angry. I also learned that some things are worth being angry about and that it's ok to do so. I learned I'm not unique in what happened, even though it felt like it at first. And that helped. This forum helped for that reason.

I learned some things are out of my control. No matter how perfect i was, or how good at negotiating or how careful or how... you get the picture. I learned that it's ok to be me and I learned that my actions won't always lead to the outcome I'd like - others have a say. I learned it's ok and that it's my life. All of it. The highs and lows and the in betweens.

I get it, 25. Time and perspective are important as is being careful to not allow damaging things to come from your mouth. They'll remember you for that and they'll need that example of strength grace at some point in their life. I know that from experience as well wink


Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Bullseye AJM! smile

No one could say it better!

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OK found your thread - but Job said it was about to be locked, so will reply on your new thread.

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Job can you lock it & start the new one for me?

I know Vanilla listed how to do it but my brain is blocked today.

Not sure why I'm stuck, and resistant to how to do it or whatever -

thanks


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,177
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job Offline
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25,

I'm sorry, I don't have the authority to lock and start a new thread for you on the Newcomers' Forum. I have the authority to do so on the MLC and Divorce Forums.

To start a new thread, go to the top of the forum and on the left hand side you will see a "button" that says "New Topic" in read letters. Click that button and then you are ready to go with a new subject and you can begin posting. Once you have completed this, you can then link your old thread to your new once and vice versa. If you don't know how to do that, we have instructions for that as well.



Instructions added from Cadet

How to start a thread

I will use what Job wrote


First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.


Plus How to link your threads

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post2588047



Start a new thread and I will link and lock them.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/11/17 04:18 AM.

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Me-68, D36,S35
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