25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Ah, the marriage question. Mr TDH ( hereforth to be known as Mr SEB for Sociopathic Ex Boyfriend)?used to claim he wanted to marry me. I hid behind the excuse of not being able to marry until my alimony was through, but the truth is, I really don't want to marry again.


I'd love to be part of a long term committed relationship; but have no desire to commingle finances or be stuck with going through another divorce in the future. Other issues could be dealt with by using wills and powers of attorney etc. So unless there was a significant clear cut financial benefit, I'd rather not marry.

Don't get me wrong, I think marriage is a wonderful institution and a necessity to protect women when they're raising children. Just at my age (61) I don't see the point.

I hear you^^^. Lots to think about.

Turns out being a L AND a stay at home mom for the last decade+, means I've gotten 0 interviews

and that was before the seizures & weird meds I'm on. So that's lovely for the ego

and h's lawyer filed a motion to determine WHEN exactly I can support myself and blah blah blah.

OH And he quit his great job. If I have to work so HE can retire, I'm gonna do a one woman whine/scream show.

Good grief. It's like the laws themselves help protect us, ON PAPER

but to take him to court every time he violates the orders, only to have a judge say "hey h, do it"

(it's not the same as contempt of court in a criminal trial where a judge fines them or puts them in jail for a day).

So the Process favors the a$$hole unless you hang in there a long long time.

Makes me think taking the 401k's entirely, in lieu of h's monthly "allowances" - you'd think they were gifts FROM him to me...is appealing even if the math is not totally in my favor.

Which is h's goal I assume.

If I were working and had income to cover the legal costs, I'd be a harda$$ (no money this month so far and only half of the ordered amount last month) AND h claims a new high tax bill and thinks I will "owe him a lot of money"

What???? is he literally insane? He's never paid me the right amount and I have no job and his income was VERY high...

okay, okay, deep breaths...i know in the long run it will save me money to fight him, and the unjustness of it all, will be a little eased if I fight.

I'll feel like crap if I cave in to unreasonable demands.

I'm borrowing money from my sister to pay legal fees.

Geez, what the heck was my point in this post?

OH YEAH - to agree with Ellie about not feeling certain of another m.

And yet, I do love being part of a couple. Then again, I have not been truly single since I was a teenager. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe being single is THE thing...I do like drinking my coffee's half & half right out of the carton, without any disapproval from my dog. (She encourages it.)

Hmm, I wonder if my dating experience is a tad out of date? (Nonsense!)

I can envision being in love again. I do envision it. That helps me.

For some reason I'm not terrified of being hurt again. Like I think I'd just move on fast but maybe that's b/c I'm already detached from any future r. Yikes how weird is that?

I've got a mountain to climb before I feel as desirable as I used to feel. In my head I know I'm attractive (not bragging, just being real). And YET...

Like it's the intimacy issue for ME, (I like sex, FTR)

but getting there...

Ramble over

[kml]

For some reason I'm not terrified of being hurt again.

I found that for me, after fighting so hard for my marriage, and still losing it - it was like the worst that could happen had happened. Nothing that occurred in my subsequent dating life could even begin to compare, it was all small potatoes. Not my first post-divorce boyfriend dumping me for his old high school girlfriend, not Mr SEB imploding and turning out to be a liar. I feel strangely invincible, and simply not as attached to outcomes as I was in my twenties.

[25yearsmlc]

For some reason I'm not terrified of being hurt again.

I found that for me, after fighting so hard for my marriage, and still losing it - it was like the worst that could happen had happened.

YES^^^


Nothing that occurred in my subsequent dating life could even begin to compare, it was all small potatoes.

YES^^

I DB'd my butt off, off & on for a decade. My mom died, which was the worst loss I could imagine other than losing a child. And losing her suddenly, left a gaping hole, which was worse than h going off on his adventure...

b/c my mom was a great mom. H wasn't a great dad or h for awhile...and not having my back when i got so sick, i mean, wow...I did my best with the limited info i had then.

.

Not my first post-divorce boyfriend dumping me for his old high school girlfriend, not Mr SEB imploding and turning out to be a liar. I feel strangely invincible, and simply not as attached to outcomes as I was in my twenties.

i get this. ^^ Truly.

But i want to love fully, & joyfully & without reservation - again. Or maybe not date much.

Play big or go home??

[25yearsmlc]

So you're saying that, because you had already been so damn deeply hurt,

and more than survived, whatever might come next, would not break you?

I get that.

You know, I've always thought the phrase "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" was stupid.

I can think of lots of things that are horrible but don't kill me, OR make me stronger.

Like Leprosy.

If my arms fall off, I can still live. But I'm not stronger b/c of it.



ON THE OTHER HAND, when it comes to heart break there may be some truth herein.

If I can make it through THIS crap and still laugh and love, then sometime down the road I think I'll be able to date and say

bring it on

[Vanilla]

Leprosy is curable, syphilis is curable, diabetes is manageable as is HIV.

Having your head up your arse in Alaska/Italy/Russia/Rabbit hole or being in disorder not so much. Hope his head gets stuck there along with his tender bits. Since finding my anger and my voice then I am not so kind to these idiotic Wassocks. And my language is bluer and less Lady V like. I even got a censor on one post.

As they say in Monty Python "come back and I will bite your knees"

I think being stronger refers to the mental domains. I know you did EE, I am thinking of volunteering for one of the next courses as a support person so I can observe others grow into themselves. If I can afford it of course. Is this something you might consider?

Truly 25 you may not observe yourself growing, I have, you are no longer with the blue pill, you have taken the red one. Takes a matrix adjustment and reality bites and cold comfort is a better place to be.

It's going to be ok, Alaska (a state of mind, a rabbit hole) is a much less real place than you find yourself today, a little like being born into a world of light and noise.

Take your time, it's going to be ok.

V

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Vanilla

I will be doing Team for EE this year. If not July, then the one in the fall.

I'm not sure if I've seen a team member who has not taken the course itself first, but you'd have to ask them. The structure of the workshop is experiential, so no lectures, really. But there are exercises and demonstrations, which require participants not know ahead of time what an exercise will help them discover. That way you cannot edit or rehearse an answer - (which I have often done most of my professional life).

Doing team is incredibly refreshing and I've done it probably 8
+ times Since living back east, I later flew in from Texas, California and even Alaska, with participants. So I obviously think it's worth it.

Doing team always helps me feel peace & growth in supporting the participants,

and if needed, to make a breakthrough. (*Doing team doesn't cost other than getting there, so the actual cost of the workshop, over time for ME, has been nominal b/c I have done team so much).

And if I do start dating in a "real" relationship again, I'd want the future Mr25 to attend EE too.

Next topic - I still think I've got a joke in my leprosy analogy, but clearly I need a better punchline.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I was feeling really stuck yesterday, like going in a loop in my head.

I went out last night with an old friend who is very witty. We got our laugh on.

This morning I went exploring my new neighborhood with my dog and found a clean dog part (thank GOD! Huge life improvement, I swear).

I just feel better today. So yeah, the hammering we all do about GAL is advice we have to take ourselves. I've never seen it not help.

I know it is the main thing that helps. I knew it before and I know it now.

It was the heavy blanket of inertia, and a gloomy feeling of being overwhelmed, mostly by financial concerns but which always blend into emotional "H/WTF?" issues

that fools me into thinking I'm stuck.

The more directionless I feel, the worse. A new sense of purpose needs refining here.

My kids are out of the house and I'm not going to be h's wife much longer (legally I mean),

and the health issues threw me off my career path.

I'm still me and I have a lot of love in my life.

So this is rebuilding.

I'm not the first person to need to do it. I won't be the last.

And if I'm going to refer to h in this post or what's in his head, etc

I can only say that at least I don't have to rebuild my r with my children. Good luck with that, h.

In time They'll see him, (2 of them will, I'm pretty sure). With or without OW they will resume contact when he does, and I suspect he will do so, as soon as the money issues are settled. This troubled me yesterday. Like why does he get to treat them with no contact, AND me with crap, only to pretend all is well later?

But that's only HIS reality. The kids saw more than I did, turns out.

They have said they cannot ever be close to an "inauthentic person who keeps secrets" and my kids are very very authentic people.

They'll tell you how they really feel if asked, & sometimes when not asked.

They'll form good bonds with their SO's in their lives, and that makes me feel proud and happy.

[AJM]

KML, the talk about walking too heavy... That brought back funny memories! I was accused of the same thing (among other things!)

25, you're looking at leprosy all wrong. You're looking at the physical aspect of 'what doesn't kill you...' There's so much more to it. So much more valuable stuff.

And since that's curable, perhaps they can put a plexiglass window in your H's stomach she he can see where he's going with his head so far up his arse

25, in all seriousness, don't be surprised by the cloudy thinking, the down times, etc. It's part of the process. Albeit, a sucky part of it, but a part of it nevertheless. Kind of a crab walk at times - two steps forward, one step sideways, one step back. Some days will feel like you're not moving. That's ok 25. As much as you want the hurt to end NOW, it takes some time. I don't think it will take you as long as some though. You've been at this and struggling so long. I'm actually kind of surprised part of you isn't giddy about being free. I was, and I wasn't at it nearly as long. I felt a little guilt at feeling happy and unburdened.
In hindsight, I wasted the guilty feeling though...

One foot in front of the other. No shortcuts and no running yet. Yet.

Peace,
AJ

[OwnIt]

AJM said it all. There really is nothing more.

[25yearsmlc]

thanks guys

You know I have this neurotic view of the universe about jinxing things by saying them out loud.

(It's not a conscious thing, but some gut level weirdness I cannot rationally defend)

Here I am, taking the risk today!

okay so I know there will be pain and shaking my head moments for HOWEVER long...

but I kind of feel like if the divorce settlement gives me financial freedom,

I admit a growing sense of excited nervousness & optimism towards my future. (And being free from a dishonest lunatic.)

A friend of mine (WAW) told me that in her m, her needs were unmet for a long time. And in fairness, she's right.

She feared letting any OM into her life b/c of how her h would look in HER Eyes...meaning she'd see her m and her h in such a lesser light by being treated kindly by OM.

I understand that more now. I think dating a normal guy who makes me his priority, will be hard to trust at first, then I worry that it will make me regret not getting that sooner.

But that's^^ stinking thinking...

So my rambling point is that yes I look forward to the D being done soon, (if done fairly to me).
I look forward to making choices NOT involving = "how will it look to h if I do this?"

b/c it's soooo freeing when I do.

I immediately get happier & lighter when I feel like he's on Mars and h cannot learn what I'm doing or I cannot hear his voice of disapproval or resentment...

(hey, it's a 37+ year relationship and stream of consciousness from h, that I have to stop hearing.)

SIDENOTE - I do think of h often in conversational ways. Like wondering what he thinks of a political event, or medical breakthrough. It's most those moments I wonder if he ever wonders what I think...

plus I'm damn funny so I have my moments of wondering about that.

But lately I think, "some OM will be glad to hear intelligent wit from me, soon.

Lucky him." And if there's never to be an OM, I still make my loved ones happy and I make myself happy.

Yep, I even laugh out loud at my own jokes. I'd be a great audience for me. I should probably tape my laughs now...

[25yearsmlc]

I will have to start a new thread soon but don't know how to link...Cadet??

Here is something I'm dealing with that is more retrospective but raised by my kids a lot lately. I posted this in reply to Beatrice on Own's thread. So I'm hijacking my own hijack, I think....


The question my children have asked me, more than once, is why I stayed so long after it became clear (to them, anyhow) that h was mistreating me.

This^^^ is a hard thing to hear. It's NOT how great or sacrificial or martyr like it was of me to stay, but how *unhealthy*.

I believed the best case scenario (best for my ego) every chance I had.

Retrovaille was amazingly productive. (I do believe it helps turn marriages around more than any other weekend retreat).

H made a huge painful admission and breakthrough the last day. I believe it was authentic and very hard for him.

And you know what? I let that afternoon of remorse and insight, FUEL ME for years...like it was a bone he threw me (even if authentic on his end) that allowed me to overlook way way too much, later on.

With all 3 of my children giving me feedback, it's clear h wasn't fully invested in the marriage for some time. And that's not to mention the "MLC" crap earlier.
And of course it hurts me as a mother and wife.

H would vacillate and I'd see hope in his confusion & mixed signals. My mistake. Their confusion is Not to be confused with their being good h's. It's more like which exit they want to use and when. OR their deciding if they really want to be married, but that's not what was said or admitted.

In hindsight, I'd see some romantic gesture right after a period of "distance/anger" from h, as an apology. But I don't think so, now.

I think h was effectively treating me like a BF Skinner experiment where you get inconsistent reinforcement; enough to keep you fully invested
even while they are not.

He mistreated me long term and worse, I put up with it.

I do Not think it was to be a martyr - BUT My kids have asked me about that more than once. They want to know why I allowed or 'wanted' to be a victim = being right".

I don't think that's true, but I think it was worse. I think it was largely fear that kept me in, AND the "gambler's syndrome".

(H finally earned a lot of money too, and we had been through years of poverty. -literally below the poverty line the first decade of marriage. So YES I now believe i wanted some emotional AND financial pay off for all my loyalty and effort and TIME.)

I was also afraid of being single, at a subconscious level. I say "subconscious" b/c I know, cognitively, I'm attractive, smart and social. But it's been a very long time since I was single. And with this severe ego blow, years of choices that don't affirm me, it's easy to forget that I'm desirable. Plus i am 10 years older, so there's that.

Anyway, Imagine a gambler in a poker game has been losing all night, off and on. But the House is winning most of the money most of the time.

The gambler keeps playing even as his chips are dwindling. He needs/wants to win a big round , he NEEDS to win a big round to get all the money back and then some... Even in the face of huge losses, he keeps playing & hoping for different results.

because if he walks away from the table after such big losses, it'll mean all that money is lost. That the whole game was for nothing.

I think that^^^ was why I stayed...I didn't want all my years to mean nothing. And I was afraid of divorce. It meant failure, and it meant I had "Lost" and that I was obviously not as valuable (to h) as a JOB or a place...or an OW.

My ego & heart could not grasp or accept^^^^ that.

And now I think that it's just true. H's values/priorities are revealed by his actions.

We are not as important to h, and that is glaringly obvious.

It shocks me that I, 25, an empowered smart woman in other arenas of my life,

would let myself be a fooled doormat for so long.

I spent so much time defending or trying to understand/explain h, to justify MY choices to stay, and deny what was so obvious to others.

H was NOT IN THE MARRIAGE that I was in. H was, effectively a single man w/a wife at home and mothering his kids, like a single mother who cannot date or move on.

I do NOT feel proud of the example I set for my kids. So not proud. On the contrary.

sigh...My main goal as a mother now, is to show my kids how to accept brutal reality & make this a transformative experience in which I rebuild my life favorably.


And yes, I am forgiving myself for my mistakes. I have long life genes, so I'm going to make the most of my 2nd half.