I don't think you can set a consequence for her past mistake with the PA. From what I believe it means you put an action/consequence in place from this point on. I could be wrong but it seems the point of boundaries is what you will and will not tolerate going forward. Again, this is coming from someone who is trying to figure this portion of DBing out too.
Boundaries are something you set now and enforce from this point forward. I will not be disrespected in "......." manner anymore and if I am, this will happen. Do not set a boundary you are not willing to enforce because you will be tested. If the line is crossed without repercussion, you will be tested further and further.
As far as messaging, you can very well set a boundary on that but just expect that to drive it underground. Somewhere untracable such as Snapchat, Skype, google hangouts... the possibilities are endless these days. None of them will ever show up as a flash on the radar.
Just remember. A boundary set is a boundary which you need to enforce. Nothing undermines you more than weakness.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Sorry for the confusion, but I actually meant from this moment forward. Or actually back in late December. I apologized to my W for my actions, which led to her A. And that I was going to make changes necessary for the MR. But I told her from that point on continuing to the A was solely on her. And using me for an excuse for her actions was not going to work. Also that I wouldn't tolerate further PA between the two of them. Figured there is no need to enforce that boundary, since it should be obvious.
And let's not forget that messenger now has a secret conversation setting for the cheater who forgets to delete their messages. Found that being used back in December when I was finding things on FB messenger. But what should the consequence be for catching W using these tools to contact OM?
Now she was joking about how she no longer wanted a short man. Now I'm 5'5" and ironically enough the OM is only 2 inches taller than me. But this woman has the audacity to joke with her 220lb sister. While is she 280lbs at this point has the nerve to talk about me...smh.
She lucky that someone lives her big ass enough to fight for her, even when she is doing wrong. Because there are women out there with better attitudes, loyal and in much better shape.
Just reposting this so you can look at these words again. I wonder what your W would think reading your inner thoughts about her - regardless of the A.
And that is why I vented on here, instead of going to her or someone we know. Was that harsh what I said, yeah. But I loved this woman regardless of weight gain, health issues or what childhood issues she brought into this relationship. Any other man would have ran for the hills.
But I'm still here regardless. And her sister wouldn't be laughing if she knew that her sister was having an A with her cousin who has a family of his own. Hopefully my W would realize that she is out of line. And I have never felt this way about W in regards to weight until I heard her say what she did. And the audacity of it all came to mind.
And that is why I vented on here, instead of going to her or someone we know. Was that harsh what I said, yeah. But I loved this woman regardless of weight gain, health issues or what childhood issues she brought into this relationship. Any other man would have ran for the hills.
But I'm still here regardless. And her sister wouldn't be laughing if she knew that her sister was having an A with her cousin who has a family of his own. Hopefully my W would realize that she is out of line. And I have never felt this way about W in regards to weight until I heard her say what she did. And the audacity of it all came to mind.
I know you were venting, but do you truly believe that no one else would want her because she is over weight and has childhood issues and she is lucky to have you?
Because if that is your true belief, she senses it. And how hurtful is that? You are with her when no one else would want to be?
I'll be honest, I unfortunately know women who (although very wrong) who lived this and what did they do? Set out to prove their H's wrong. That they COULD get someone else.
You may think because you love her when no one else would that you are raising her self esteem, but really, you are destroying it.
The point is that not too many people would tolerate those things. Especially when they know she has been talking bad about them. By your logic, I have to prove her wrong based on the things she said about me. Once again, I never thought that at all prior to her saying those comments about me. I was just pointing out the audacity as if my height makes me not good enough. But there are those who could say the same about her weight. But you all seem to be ignoring that fact...smh
No one is ignoring that. You think she is fat and she doesn't want to date short guys anymore. I get it.
I'm looking at the bigger picture here, something that could help you in the long run.
How would you feel if she her thoughts all along have been " he's lucky I love him because other women would run from a short guy"
I am asking an honest question here. Have you always felt she was lucky you love her because she is fat and has childhood issues and no one else would want that? Because you stated that. I am asking you if you mean that or that has been the way you have felt all along.
The point is that not too many people would tolerate those things. Especially when they know she has been talking bad about them. By your logic, I have to prove her wrong based on the things she said about me. you mean, 180s? Countering her negative images of you with new positives?
Once again, I never thought that at all prior to her saying those comments about me. I was just pointing out the audacity as if my height makes me not good enough. But there are those who could say the same about her weight. But you all seem to be ignoring that fact...smh
No, we are not ignoring that fact. I am surprised you are here trying to save your m.
here's a tough question & I really want you to dig deep about it...are you here to save the marriage, or are you here so you can "win" and not feel rejected?
I feel like you speak of your wife with such contempt, and I don't mean just about the affair
but about HER. I suspect you do think she's lucky to have any man, and that this attitude affected her deeply.
So Ginger's point about her proving you wrong, is insightful for you.
Just take it in. No one is attacking you. We are giving you feedback about what your comments seem to reveal -
that might have been revealed in your behavior or comments to your wife...
Saying you "apologized for your behavior that lead to her A" but then constantly making her A the focus, and now her weight,
undermines your whole personal accountability issue, imo.
How are you a different man now? How would you be a better h to her, now?
Remember, she's not here trying to save the m. You are.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
