Quick rundown of my situation: - M11, T13 w/ a D9 - BD on 5/31/16 - Find out about EA with OM on 6/22/16. Had been ongoing since 5/13/16 - Confront W on 6/30/16 about her plans to visit OM over 4th of July weekend - W goes anyway on 7/3/16 for PA and I leave MBR that night - W comes back and we have talk on 7/7 about Ls - W retains L early August - I have met with 2 Ls so far and another in 2 days - "Family" beach trip for a week Aug 6, multiple MR talks - W leaves for an anniversary party for friends. Turns out it's for another PA with OM at the same lake - confront W on it and she lies, lies, lies. I move back into Mbr - W begins doing and saying odd things after blowup. Mentions possibility of cancer and writes a long letter blaming me for all our issues - W and I sit down and chat custody of D. A lot of spew and W wants to push ahead with Ls - 2 days later W offers to go to see MC, retracts offer, then re-offers. At the same time, W begins a campaign to get me to leave the house, leveraging my R w/ my D to drive it - I've retained an L and am willing to do MC with W, but am not expecting much to come from it - W uses MC session to re-iterate she does not want to reconcile. W pushes me to continue MC, but I refuse. I tell her we need a co-parenting counselor, not a MC. - W begins in earnest to get financial details for her S agreement from me. I provide, but reiterate that I do not believe divorce is the answer to our problems. - My Ls begin work on a S agreement, not bc I want to S but bc I want to have my view on paper when W provides me her agreement. - I find a co-parenting counselor through my L, and I visit individually with her. W delays setting up her individual appointment. - W initiates a couple R conversations in which I reiterate that divorce is not the answer to our problems and I am unwilling to accept anything less than 50/50 custody of my D. I'm willing to take full custody, but I'll work with her around 50/50 if that's what she wants. - Ws Ls deliver S agreement to my Ls. One day later W has a confrontational conversation with me in which she asks me to cancel the co-parenting session and re-initiate MC. - No MC yet. Still debating finding a different MC and whether W would be constructive in it at this point or if she's merely looking for validation of her decisioning. - Living in limbo right now. D9 in a better place than at the start of this thing. Trying to figure out what I want
In an awesome place with my D9. She is my peace and I find so much excitement watching her grow and blossom into an amazing person. I'm finding joy in being a father that I'd never tapped into before and I'm loving every minute of it!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
You SAY you are going to let W drive this, but if so, then these kinds of messages are kind of unnecessary. Youre bringing up very specific things that you think W should be doing and isnt. If youre letting her drive it, then whya re you asking for such detailed numbers? It comes off like you arent trusting of her.
Im not sure the arrangement you have set up. But why dont the three of you have a group message or group email? When I sold my house a few years back, the realtor had an app that you could see when showings are scheduled and my ex and I both had it on our phones.
I would say there is some information that you need - such as when showings are, but if youre letting W drive, then let her drive. Honestly, it seems very strange that this wouldnt be a joint thing - an opportunity to collaborate and work together, but I suppose thats another issue.
I agree that it's strange it's not a joint thing. We worked on the house as a joint thing to get it ready but without prodding W has shared no info. After I prodded her on the above I finally started to get news out of her. You are right in that I could see how I come out of it looking overbearing but hell, I need to know what's going on at least. I could push to have myself included in communication bt W and realtor but I haven't pushed that yet. I just need the basic information flow. I would do this for W by default but apparently that's not a two way street. Thanks for your thoughts kaizen!
W in a bad mood today. Very snippy and pointed towards me tonight. She's back to eating better, exercising, and getting some sleep now. Hoping that's helping her balance out, but that combined with the change in mood has me thinking she may go to see OM when D and I go on our trip next week. Who knows. I do feel like I'm reaching the end of my patience with this thing though and that certainly would be a strong signal to me if she did. I don't know all, I'm just tired and frustrated, and under the surface a little pissed off about all of this. Not a good combo of emotions but that's where I am.
I look back at the past 10 months and not seeing W make any effort to do anything positive towards our M has me really disliking her. I see this shell of my W but then hear this horrible person when she speaks. Having a tough time seeing how this is worthwhile anymore.
Not giving up, as I'm still choosing to try to fix things. But I'm frustrated that I get beat up at every turn. I feel like I can only take so much of a beating before I just say enough is enough. Rambling now and I probably just need a good nights sleep but that's where I am at the moment.
Looking forward to my week away with D, regardless of what W does. Only one week until we go. Can't come soon enough.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Well. W being miserable to be around the past few days. Apparently she refers to me as "Ds Dad" now when talking about me to other parents. Heard her say that multiple times when parents dropped their kids off for Ds birthday party today. Including when I was standing right beside her.
So, Ds bday today. Kid turns 10! Woke up early and did presents with her. W got some, I got some. W did the card and actually put both our names on it this time. I got donuts for us this morning bc D asked for fresh donuts. W threw away the two I got for her. I spent the morning doing Pokémon cards and iPad with D. Did lunch then D and I went out to play for a few hours. Back around 5 and Ds friends started showing up for her party/sleepover. I picked up pizza for them, we did cake and gifts, and now the girls are upstairs and W and I are on the couch. W just snapped at me for a cracking noise my ankle was making when I moved it.
W has been very unpleasant for a few days now. The good news is she is eating a lot healthier, getting to bed earlier, and exercising again. However, I find myself wondering if it's bc D and I will be on a trip together in a week and W will be alone. A perfect opportunity for D to go see OM.
That said, I'm so looking forward to this trip with D. A lot less stressful without W there. One week of just dad and D bonding! We will have an amazing time!
Wondering what I do if W does go to see OM. Unsure how I'd take it. Gut tells me it forces me to throw in the towel, but it could be I'm just beaten down and tired after the past few days. I don't know.
Off to get jumped on for my "creaking" bones...
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I do know that W is stressed bc she has never been away from D for more than one evening (both her trips to see OM + when I took D to the water park last August). This will be 7 days. Could be driving her angst but who knows
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Forgot to add that we had my two aunts stop by to say happy bday to D earlier. W really likes them and the interaction but W and I was like we used to be. W even brushed up against me and didn't recoil when we both went to pet their dog. Very strange. All over the place today apparently.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I notice that in your updates, you always mention every little thing that W does that you find to be antagonizing to you. Little things like throwing away the donuts (that she probably wouldnt have wanted if she were eating healthy anyway). I wonder if you are on laser focus now to identify those things.
Do you think changing your frame so that you only report positive interactions for a while would help you to better seek those out and help reinforce those with W?
Thanks Hawk! Just started that trip with D and we are having a blast. Some stress in getting her through 3 different airports and to our destination, but nothing too bad. I'm actually pretty impressed with being able to manage the whole thing as well as I did. My skills and R with D are at a great point now!
Kaizen, if I didn't post anything negative my W did then I'd have nothing to post! Kidding (mostly). I tend to be as detailed as possible with our interactions in case someone here can see something I don't. Definitely on laser focus to see and analyze even the tiniest thing.
I do like the idea of focusing on the positives. To be honest though there are really only negatives and neutrals right now. I do find myself feeling optimism when I get a neutral reaction from W. however, I check myself that neutral only seems good bc every other interaction is typically negative. Unsure how you build from there.
The night before D and I left for our weeklong trip we all went to dinner together. Had a good time. Got some laughs. W talked to me about something and even bumped arms with me on purpose (again neutral). W took something D had won in a claw machine and put it in her bra. I looked at D and jokingly said "Its ok, I've got this" and we all laughed. Then W turned to D and said "do you really think I'd let daddy touch my boobs?" Negative and neutral. W also mentioned to D in front of me that she'd planned to go out of state while we were gone to see friends. It wasn't where OM lives, but OM is on the way there. Who knows what the hell that is.
So, I'm now sitting here in the dark typing this as D dozes off to sleep. We had such an amazing time today. There was no stress from the constant worry of what W might do/say for either of us. Daddy/D time is awesome!
Thanks all! Sorry about my absence as of late. Lots of things going on, but my situation is still grinding fwd.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
It0402 - my man. Just a late night sweep of the DB. Thinking you are on the tail of that week with your D, and my friend I know that these times are something to be reckoned with. Let me tell you something It...I don't know you, but I know you. I don't follow enough to comment on your M, but I did just read from my last comment in March thru now. Yeah, the M.....but what I was reading was your R w/ D. Buddy, you are an inspiring father. Ten, eleven months ago, your W was trying to turn D into a Daddy Dearest on your ass and from the start your resolved not to let that happen. And you succeeded. Thanks, because I took a whole lot of inspiration form the journey my friend.I have not done a vacation alone w/ my S, but have been strongly considering one once I graduate. Your story gave me a booster.
Oh, one thing about the W though...
Originally Posted By: It0402
Apparently she refers to me as "Ds Dad" now when talking about me to other parents.
You're God Dmn right she does, own that sh*t! And when you hear it, correct that W. "I'm not just her dad, I'm her father" D knows it, you know it, and now W knows it - that you own it.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Well, I've been horrible about keeping up to date in my thread here this month. A couple weeks ago D and I went on our weeklong trip out West. Just the two of us. Rented a Jeep and drove over a thousand miles to see a bunch of dinosaur related stuff.
I've honestly never had such a fun, liberating, and overall awesome experience! Getting away from my W and just being with D for 7 straight days was liberating and relaxing. We did what we wanted, when we wanted, and how we wanted and, shockingly, we survived! D was soooooo happy. We both didn't want to leave.
I didn't know what to expect when I came back honestly. I'd been convinced W would go see OM, but as far as I can tell she did not. Unsure what she did all week. When we got back though, it was like instantly reinserting ourselves into the maelstrom though. W was on us about if we are anything healthy, the clutter we were leaving that night as we unpacked, etc. almost like we'd never left. Surreal.
That was 1.5 weeks ago. The situation since has been the same. W consistently a downer on the household mood. D bending to placate W a bit. Me not being able to do anything right.
Ws car died yesterday. I offered to get the tow setup for it from work. Caught flack from her for getting home somewhat earlier than usual as she "doesn't need my help". This morning I offered to take her to pickup her car if it was ready early. I got a snarky response back about her not needing my help. So i took D to the bus stop in the rain (bc W didn't have a car) and then sent a txt to W saying:
Me: "I'm going to stop offering to help you with things. I can see it upsets you and, honestly, I'm growing tired of being treated like a POS when I do offer."
Me: "If you need help I'll gladly help if you ask me politely. If it's something around D then I'll just take care of it as I see it."
To which my W responded 30 minutes later:
W: "Try, just for one second, to see it from my perspective. For years and years I begged you to help me with things and you wouldn't and now that it's too late you want to be Mr. Helpful and expect me not to be resentful. For years we didn't speak, at home or by text, and now you start sending me a million texts with jokes and smileys like everything is fine and we're friends. It's infuriating. It feels from my side like such a fake act. Like you're trying to pretend to be nice to me so you can say "See, none of this is my fault". That's how it feels and that's why the more you do it the more it makes me angry. You can't continue to act like everything is fine and expect me not to feel angry. This morning I thought you were asking if you needed to pick D up from the bus stop this afternoon. I misunderstood and I should have apologized but it's hard for me to be around you let alone speak. I told you more than once this IS me trying to be nice. I can't do more than that and I refuse to pretend. If you don't want to help get my car picked up I don't blame you. That's fine. I get it. But stop offering to help me with ridiculous little things you know I don't need help with and then expect me not to get aggravated. You have known me long enough to know how that makes me feel. Please to stop expecting us to treat you better than you treat us, I'm begging you. Not because of how it makes me feel because I'm literally too dead inside to even feel anything besides anger anymore, but you do it to her too and it's not fair. It's no longer okay. I'm genuinely sorry I was rude this morning. I can't act like everything is fine anymore. I'm done pretending."
W: "I know this will sound mean but it's not meant that way - you say it makes you feel like a POS but how do you think I felt all those years? Just because you decided to change things doesn't erase the other ten years where you ignored us. Think about that please."
So, as you can see we are where we have been the whole time. I Loved my week with my D. She's an amazing and awesome kid and I'm very lucky to be her dad! But with W nothing has changed. Still grinding.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
