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A Message from Michele
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Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: OwnIt] #2736026
03/25/17 01:28 PM
03/25/17 01:28 PM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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25--thank you for your words. I definitely accept my share of the problems in the marriage. I may not have come to terms with all of them yet, but the ones I have already are pretty daunting. I think one of the main reasons I am not ready to cast this aside yet is that I have not learned all the lessons from it that I need to. I have no feeling that I am missing out on anything else and I just want to do my work and be there for my kids.

I think I stopped being his cheerleader and stopped looking at him in that adoring way. I think I did this at a bad time in his life when he was questioning a lot of things. I did notice when he stopped saying I love you, but it wasn't until the last year that he specifically brought up this incident as causing a shift in his thinking about me, and it would have occurred in that same time period about 7 years ago. I never trusted his I love yous. I wasn't feeling a corresponding action from him, and my own mother has literally never told me that she loved me. The only people from whom I've really ever been able to accept love from are my children. My son, who is very vocal about his needs, will tell me in small ways often that he needs to feel more love from me. When he was about 5 he told me that he needed me to hold his hand tighter. Recently he told me that I sometimes get cold and slip away for a while. Although difficult to hear, I have so much respect for him that he can recognhize his needs and vocalize them. I am proud of myself for raising a boy who understands his needs and speeks up about them.

The counselors I mentioned have all met him, though not for much time. He doesn't hang around in counseling. He does it more to appease me but can't handle it for very long. I think you are 100% correct--the only thing I have gotten from them is that he is hopeless and that I should move on for my sake and the kids. As a human being with feelings, this is intolerable to me. I do not throw people away--ever. I see it as his right to give up on me if that is his choice. But I am not sure that I will ever give up hoping for him. However, I do feel much shame for putting up with what I did, for not standing up for myself, for not making the changes within myself.

We have been doing the pursuer/distancer thing for a long time and I have been aware of it a long time. I wasn't so great at stopping it though. I have been much better since October. He just needs to be completely away from me now. He honestly believes that all of his problems are my fault. I told him before he left that he was throwing away his life for a relationship that wouldn't last (and it hasn't), that his relationship with the kids wasn't strong enough to withstand it (and it isn't), that the person he was constantly running from was himself (and that is true). I think he is getting some of this, but he is still mad at me for knowing it. He is mad at me for seeing it.

I would like to get things more final between us. I do not like being his Plan B. I do not like watching the baby steps he is taking away from me. My IC says he is choosing the ways he will be married to me and the ways he won't. I see the truth in that. His choice is not my choice. I do not accept that kind of relationship.

I know my screen name bothers you and why it does. I will come up with something better. I am not making any of these choices concerning him today. I'm choosing me, and my kids, and peace, and being ok in my own skin. I belt ieve divorce is inevitable but I am not racing to get there. When I am ready I will file. I don't believe he ever will.

Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: OwnIt] #2736029
03/25/17 01:42 PM
03/25/17 01:42 PM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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Ok 25, I have my new name pending approval. I think you will approve.

Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: OwnIt] #2736296
03/27/17 08:42 PM
03/27/17 08:42 PM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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So, my H had a period a few weeks ago where he came to the house almost daily, texted me regularly for a few days, stayed in the house with our S while I traveled for college with our D, commented on repairs needed for the house, etc. Near the end of that stay he stopped talking to me and went silent on the kids once again. We had no fights, arguments, nada. A week or so later he started texting the kids twice a day with much nicer texts that are personal and seem to take more care about what is going on in their lives. I sent him one text to update him on our D's surgery which I felt bad that he didn't even know about. He ignored me completely but casually mentioned the text to D in a text to her so I know he got it. He is posting really sad poems on FB (a poem about the pull between responsibility and obsession that mentions Odysseus's desire to go home to his wife and son--which he did, that life is gray and without fizz, and the Emily Dickinson poem "After great pain a formal feeling comes" that I told him many times was one of my favorites).

Even though D is not responding, H texted her that he is coming to the house tomorrow to take her driving (she is working on her license). I'm 100% ok with this. I want the kids to have a relationship with him. I get that he is not capable of keeping a schedule, talking to me, talking about his feelings with the kids.

I am planning not to be here when he arrives if he gives her any notice (I work from home so I am here quite a bit). I am not planning to talk to him at all. Planning to keep giving him space.

Sometimes though I feel like I have mastered the don't pursue him part to such an extent that I am not doing enough to be a lighthouse. Does anyone have any insights or suggestions on this? He has never been out of contact with me for more than 1 week since he lef (my text re the surgery was at the 1 week mark and was sent less than a week ago). He has not used the word divorce since early Dec, has not asked for the separation contract that he asked for in Oct, and has not told me to get on with my life since early Dec. We seem to communicate much less than most people on this site, but it feels like he is circling in rather than spiraling out.


Any thoughts on being a better lighthouse without chasing, pressuring, etc.?

Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: OwnIt] #2736320
03/28/17 05:08 AM
03/28/17 05:08 AM
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I think you are doing a good job of giving him space and time. I would stay the course and continue as you have been in giving him the space and time as well as your home a safe place for him to land. Have you given any thought to maybe having some delicious goodies sitting around that fill the room with a wonderful aroma? You want him leave w/good thoughts of the home and you and this is one way to do it. They can't miss something until it's gone/away from them.

Keep up the good work!

Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: OwnIt] #2736350
03/28/17 07:08 AM
03/28/17 07:08 AM
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Texas
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OwnIt, thanks for stopping by my thread. I cannot offer an advice, especially since I am still so new to this and not totally detached myself. What I can offer is to add you to my prayers and pray for your strength and endurance thru all of this.

I have been giving my W space as well...or has she just vanished, sometimes I can't tell. Whatever it is, I know that she is in a place that is dark at the moment. She is pulling further away as many on here do. We can only hope and pray that at some point, God will open their eyes to what they have done. Now they are blinded and can only see their fantasy Utopia. How long will it take for them to realize that it doesn't exist, or will they always be lost in this search for it?

May you continue to have the strength and endurance to handle what is thrown in your path.


Me 46 W43
T25 M22
S19 D14 S10
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: SBJ] #2736388
03/28/17 08:37 AM
03/28/17 08:37 AM
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OwnIt Offline OP
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Thank you Job, so honored to see your words of wisdom on my thread. Would love to make some yummy with wonderful aroma but he has adopted and ascetic diet and would likely be annoyed. It is a gray, rainy day so I will leave the fireplace on and make sure the house is clean and well-lit. I am sticking it out. Whether it is changing his feelings I can't say, but mine have become easier to bear and I am feeling better about the direction of my life regardless of how this turns out.

Thanks SBJ, in my time with mine I've seen him run away and now what appears to be turning back in. Who knows if this is for good or just another touch and go, or a resolution to make peace with the kids and keep me away. I think I can live with the latter. I just want my kids to have a dad that doesn't completely vanish on them so they don't feel the pain of abandonment forever. We can do this!

Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: OwnIt] #2736393
03/28/17 09:00 AM
03/28/17 09:00 AM
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Posts: 846
Texas
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Originally Posted By: OwnIt

I just want my kids to have a dad that doesn't completely vanish on them so they don't feel the pain of abandonment forever. We can do this!


I don't understand those that completely vanish from their kids. I know that it could be extremely hard on the kids, but might be easier on the LBS in a way. My W walked out on me, but still holds a pretty good relationship with our 3 wonderful kids. I guess seeing that she still is good with them solidifies the fact that she sees me as the bad guy that she needed to escape from to find her fantasy relationship.

You are right when you say that we can do this!!! The biggest help to me is the community of friends on this site that have helped me cope with the anger and frustration of the situation. I thank God every day for the people here that have gone thru or are still going thru their own personal hell and still come on here to give love and support to those of us that are struggling with understanding our own situations.

God Bless!!!


Me 46 W43
T25 M22
S19 D14 S10
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: SBJ] #2736448
03/28/17 11:53 AM
03/28/17 11:53 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,374
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OwnIt Offline OP
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SBJ, avoid the temptation to compare, they all do things differently. I will say that watching him abandoning the children has given me much more conviction that there is truly something wrong with him.

That said, we are all the bad guys. I think in general that the women in these situations remain more connected with the kids, but there are also examples of men who do. Everyone is different.

Reading some new threads today has given me a lot more strength to tackle my own problems head on and let him worry about his.

Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: OwnIt] #2736562
03/29/17 03:31 AM
03/29/17 03:31 AM
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MrBond Offline
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Have you read DB or DR yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Standing or stupid (and I'm the last to get it)? [Re: MrBond] #2736634
03/29/17 10:18 AM
03/29/17 10:18 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
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OwnIt Offline OP
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Me Bond, first thing I did after the 01/16 bomb drop. Carried my own 180s in my purse for the first 9 months and looked at them often.

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