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A Message from Michele
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Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: WshIKnw] #2736503
03/28/17 03:48 PM
03/28/17 03:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
Yeah. Our marriage could have been made to be what she needed it to be, but she would never stay away from other men.


This is a ^^^ new comment of yours. Previously you said she asked you often to get more social and go out so she and you were not the only social interactions she had.

The OM is the first A you know of.

Do you remember the things she asked of you, that you did not do? Many of those things are what we have urged you to DO, not say or think about or consider, but really do...the rumination are not getting you anywhere.

Second, there are no words that are going to get her back. That was the point of my earlier post. I am someone who uses words for a living and yet my words fell on deaf ears with my h.

He could not hear me. He was on his "mission" and the most I could do was GAL to detach, be present for my children (and losing my anger was key to being available to my children, instead of constantly being preoccupied with my pain and blaming h).

To my knowledge there was no OW. (If there had been, then he'd really have been fully crazy to keep demanding i/we join him up there.)

I guess you could say Alaska was his mistress/OW.

There were 2 tasks as I saw it. Nourish & protect my kids, and nourish and protect myself. I did not want my m to end, but I also knew I had little control over that.

I've discussed the GAL before, and just want you to know we hammer it b/c it works. I'm not sure you really believe that.

I don't believe you can outhink something your w feels.



Always resisted not being able to have male friends. I always told her that's how romantic feelings for another man can come about. When she first told me how nice this guy at work is (OM). I said, "Great. Another guy that I have to worry about."


W,
This^^^ type of comment is a huge turn off to a woman. Yes, we want sensitive men who give a crap about how we feel AND who show it. We also want men who know their value (and earn it) and don't whine or blame us for their own insecurities.

My profession was mostly male, and while I was in the military, there were 9 men for every women. I did not cheat.

If my h had told me that he was worried about every man I worked with, ...it would have made him look weak in my eyes. Not attractive, and if I was the only person in his life outside of work, that would have eventually felt burdensome.

When an interesting man joined my office, our tendency was to invite him over, along with some friends. No mystery, no hiding. but it did require effort at times.

I certainly had to attend a million military wife functions (though I was also active duty) and doctor's wife things. It's just what you do.



This was back in the summer, right after she first started the new job. She said, "No, he's old." I said, "How old?" She told me he was 36. I suppose that was her first lie about him, that he was old. We then argued some about it,

what were you arguing about, his age? You wanted her to quit? And have you as her sole social life? Wsh, that is a lot to put on one person.


and she complained that she needs to be able to be friends with her coworkers. I told her that she needs to have friendly professional interactions, but she doesn't need to be friends with the males. The workplace is such a toxic environment for infidelity, because you spend so much time there. That's one of the major disadvantages to women entering the workforce -- too much interaction between the sexes. It's to the point where they see the people at work probably more than their own spouses.

oh for God's sake...

You are giving away all your power. Why is that?

You speak in very vague generalities about being a better more attentive h and nurturing to her but then you revert to blaming her or OMs, and now it's women in the work force. It's as if you think most women cheat. That's not my experience at all.

Btw, Did you make that IC appointment? How did it go?

Also I'm curious, Do you have any siblings?


-.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2736506
03/28/17 03:55 PM
03/28/17 03:55 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Dawgs Offline
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It does seem....odd


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: Dawgs] #2736515
03/28/17 04:56 PM
03/28/17 04:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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WshIKnw  Offline OP
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Posts: 355
She wanted me to go out more with her to be around couple friends more. I wish like hell now that I'd complained less about that. But, anyway, she always wanted to be able to have guy friends, and I always complained about it and warned her how feelings could go beyond friendship. For a few years in the middle, she seemed to agree with me. She said when she told guy friends that she wasn't interested in being more than friends, they would leave her alone, indicating that my fears were justified. And so she didn't try to have guy friends pretty much ever, until she got to this new job, where she had to work with this guy.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: WshIKnw] #2736519
03/28/17 05:21 PM
03/28/17 05:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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WshIKnw  Offline OP
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Posts: 355
My wife has acted like I'm the one that cheated and left her for the other person. She's treating me like I'm the bad guy.

I'm the one that has tried everything to keep her from ending the marriage.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: WshIKnw] #2736554
03/29/17 03:10 AM
03/29/17 03:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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Posts: 12,602
Did you ever finish reading DR?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: WshIKnw] #2736583
03/29/17 06:54 AM
03/29/17 06:54 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 203
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Bdog37 Offline
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Quote:
My wife has acted like I'm the one that cheated and left her for the other person. She's treating me like I'm the bad guy.


This seems like a common theme for them to do so don't beat yourself up about it. I'm also at fault for my EW's A. Don't believe it though cause nothing you did throughout the M makes you deserve such treatment. IMO they blame us so they don't have to carry the guilt anymore.


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: Bdog37] #2736606
03/29/17 08:25 AM
03/29/17 08:25 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
Washington DC
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KevinIn Offline
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Originally Posted By: SAL27
Quote:
My wife has acted like I'm the one that cheated and left her for the other person. She's treating me like I'm the bad guy.


This seems like a common theme for them to do so don't beat yourself up about it. I'm also at fault for my EW's A. Don't believe it though cause nothing you did throughout the M makes you deserve such treatment. IMO they blame us so they don't have to carry the guilt anymore.


Ditto for me. I could have written the same as Sal27 - my exact thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Dont think about it. Its their coping mechanism to justify the affair. Hurts, huh?


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: KevinIn] #2736618
03/29/17 09:13 AM
03/29/17 09:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Dawgs Offline
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There is nothing that can justify an affair. Nothing. Given as much of a piece of shite they are, we still didn't deserve it. However, affairs don't happen if the marriage isn't done - unless the wife, is well, of the unsavory sort. It is what it is.

I've seen so many excuses trying to take the blame to try to justify their dastardly behavior. "If I had only done this or that..." Instead, the blame lies solely on the cheater, period. Just as marriages don't end overnight, affairs don't begin overnight. It is what it is.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: MrBond] #2736623
03/29/17 09:27 AM
03/29/17 09:27 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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WshIKnw  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Did you ever finish reading DR?

Yeah. I read everything that seemed to be relevant to my situation. If my situation changes, I will read more.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Re: So Confused and Conflicted (6) [Re: WshIKnw] #2736631
03/29/17 10:06 AM
03/29/17 10:06 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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WshIKnw  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
25, I just noticed that there is a lot more to your previous post than I realized before. When it's in a quote box, it's not clear that there is more text below, in the box, at least when I'm on my phone. There are no arrows or anything like that to show that there is more.

The IC appointment is today. Yesterday, I met with a Christian support person, from the church my wife and I were attending from time to time, and that went well. He has also been separated and now divorced. We are going to be meeting weekly. It's nice to talk to more people. I wear out my parents' ears. And the one friend I made doesn't seem to want a whole lot of contact, but does continue to keep up with me.

By the way, I was a very independent husband, accused of neglecting my wife. I believe you wrote that it was a lot on her for me to be so dependent on her, but that's not accurate. She asked me all the time for more attention. She is very needy. Can hardly stand to be by herself.

I have one sibling, a sister who is 3.5 years older.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

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