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Thanks guys - I reached out to a couple of friends and my boss has come back to me too. I feel a lot calmer now! My boss was very kind - said he would be devastated to lose me and I did a fantastic job for them - says we can agree whatever pattern & role works for me within reason....he wants to call later, so hopefully we'll agree a plan before I resume work on Tuesday...

Yes, as for dancing guy - you know, I kind of ignored him too! Because I like him and he was in a little group and I felt a bit shy to approach him. Plus another guy who was married (and friendly/pleasant - not flirtatious at all) came and sat by me, within our group for the evening - and a couple of people thought he was my partner. So, I can see maybe dancing guy didn't feel that comfortable coming over either - even if he was interested, which he may not be!! I started the evening with two left feet, but then did have a couple of fantastic dances with guys from my class - so that was nice too...

Just an over-sensitive weekend I guess. Anyway - hopefully crisis over and next week will be a better one with no tears. Generally I'm good and I'm grateful for your kind words.

Sotto xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey Sotto, just stopping by to say 'hi'!

I'm glad your boss has been supportive to you with this work issue. It sounds as if he really does value you in the business and that's a great place to be!

I hope you have a lovely long weekend! X


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Sotto Offline OP
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Thanks Coly - oh another thing that may be of interest. I have a male friend, D'd for a few years now - former W was serially unfaithful. He developed a friendship with a former female colleague, who is cohabiting long term with someone else. Anyway, sounds like this friendship has grown into something that has crossed a line and my friend says he has feelings for her. He is a lovely guy - attractive, bright...but just gets lonely sometimes after divorce - as do we all I guess from time to time.

They don't work together any more and she lives a little way away - but after being out of touch with her for a year or so, he emailed her and asked if she wanted to meet. She said yes. They haven't met yet and my friend asked me what I thought. We talked about the devastation of having been on the receiving end of infidelity and that would be the situation he would create if he chose to go ahead and meet her. I asked him if he would be happy for her partner to see all the messages that passed between them. She had also brought him presents. And, if she was such a great catch, wouldn't she actually choose to end her current relationship before 'crossing a line' with him.

I suggested he get in touch and draw a line in the sand - tell her on reflection meeting up wouldn't be such a good idea and wish her the best. Then delete her number. I said to him, do you really want to be a primary factor in someone else's relationship break up? If you recall how you felt about OM previously, you are creating a circumstance where someone would feel just the same about you. Is that really okay for you? He said that hit home. Anyway, he did send the message and she did reply that he was probably right as her intentions weren't really honourable. Whether they will both manage to sustain this and not be in touch, I don't know. But I felt I did the best I could with it and it is what I would have hoped someone else might have done in XH's situation. I hope the telling of this is useful to someone...

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto, so good that you can recognize your own needs and speak up for yourself when you feel overwhelmed. I hope I get there too.

Kudos to you on being honest with your friend. Infidelity is a slippery slope and those of us who have lived through it know how devastating it is.

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Sotto Offline OP
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Ugh, so my friend contacted me with a guilty/sheepish sounding message, implying there had been some more contact with this OP.

TBH, I've been feeling a bit upset about it - that he has drawn me into his situation as a confidante. I told him it was up to him what he did, but if he was choosing to continue that contact, I didn't agree with it and asked him not to confide in me about it.

Ugh - I guess I'm just still really sensitive about this kind of stuff...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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It is good you have friends close enough to want to share their private details with you. That indicates you are seen as a good friend.

You stating your view of this potential R demonstrates that you are a true friend, not just superficial that will go along with anything. That trait is rarer and rarer these days. Don't change.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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My friends and family cheat on their H's and confide in me about it.

I'm still sensitive myself. When I feel as if I need to pull back from it, I do. It's taken me a lot to learn to separate friendship from their personal lives. Sometimes it is overwhelmingly difficult.

You handled it well, drawing the boundary on not confiding in you about it if he choses to do what he does.

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Sotto, so sorry you are feeling down. Work situation certainly doesn’t help either. I hope you can work something out with your boss.

Congratulations on the second property!

Kudos to you for being upfront with your friend about inappropriate relationship. I had a friend (girlfriend) who was involved with a married man and didn’t say anything at a time. But now, I think I can be honest. I am also very sensitive to any kind of cheating in the relationships. I never understand how people can even talk about any couple who started their R by cheating on their former spouses in a positive way.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Sotto - kudos for handling the work and personal dilemmas with wisdom and class.

I would not wish the pain of infidelity on my worst enemy. People have differing views and relationships but honestly how can one offer advice when betrayal and lies are the foundation of the situation? It is impossible to understand the dilemma if the only thing you know for sure is trust and truth are being shortchanged by someone.

Glad to know you are doing well and staying true to yourself.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks so much guys. Actually that exchange with my friend has deepened the friendship, and he decided to back away from that situation. He thanked me for my input and said I didn't know what that meant to him - to have a friend who took (as he phrased it - in Brene Brown's words) the path of discomfort rather than resentment.

I should clarify there are no romantic feelings between me and this friend for reasons I won't share here...

On the dancing guy front, I had a fabulous evening last week with the attractive guy in my class. We danced a lot together and had a chat about our respective situations. He has been D'd for 10+ years and has teenage kids, whom he sees part time. I came home that evening with butterflies and it was really nice. However, he did say one thing that bothered me, and I won't post it here, but if I were to go out with someone and they said this, I would be concerned. I think I need to choose the path of discomfort again with that one, and his reaction would tell me what I need to do. In the meantime, the flirtation and dancing is fun, but I wouldn't want to invest more..

Work has settled somewhat and my boss has been supportive. The day after we spoke, he came into work with the sole objective of making sure I was alright - which was sweet of him. He has taken an area of responsibility off me and says it's up to me whether I have it back or he re-thinks our structure, but to give it three months and whatever I decide at that point is fine.

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend - the sun is shining here xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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