Thread #3 - Mediation

[Cadet]

So my question is why would you get so upset from 2 paragraphs of words from someone on here that is doing their best to try to help you?

He thinks attacking people personally will get him closer to his goal.

It will probably get him banned or moderated on this forum though.

[Woke_Up]

I'd say the main reason was Zeus was dictating morality by his choice of words. Ring told you are immoral from someone not in full possession of the facts is going to get anyone's back up.

Your response was more measured and hence did not cause the same reaction.

Zeus' initial post was along the same lines as yours. Then he dove back in, taking unearned moral high ground.. That wasn't a DB 2x4, it was passive aggressive virtue signalling, and was therefore called out.

[Dawgs]

^Truth.

BS will get called out every time.

[Dawgs]

He thinks attacking

Who thinks this?

[leahsue]

Guys,
Settle down on the testosterone, OK? If everything I vented on here was taken at face value, I'd probably be seen as a threat to society. But this is supposed to be a safe place to vent. Yes, if you see a brother (or sister) venting and you think it may be over the line, there are ways to gently help him take a step back. But none of us here should be name calling and using judgemental tactics to shame our fellow travelers.
Kevin, you hang in there and keep venting. Normally this IS a safe place for that. Frankly, I was shocked when I read the post calling your venting "immoral". We are here for you.

[Dawgs]

Well...

[25yearsmlc]

now i'm in a different place that isn't nearly as positive about my future relationship with my wife (married or otherwise).

Im not sure what that has to do with DBing or your comments below.

That said, why do you think you deserve 'more than half'?

Why not? Doesn't hurt to ask for it. She's getting what she wants - out of the marriage. I might as well get something I want - more than half.

I suppose not. Why do you think she deserves less than half of the marital assets? To me, it reads like you deserve some kind of monetary reward for the damage to your ego or self esteem. Im certainly not a lawyer, but I cant imagine asking for more than half.

What do you have to gain by 'telling her off'? Personal satisfaction.

Personal satisfaction in saying hurtful things to someone else?

What are your goals? For my kids and I to have happy lives. And how does this get you closer to them? It will make me feel better - i've been nice about this situation too long and I need to express my feelings.

Why do you think you will feel better for more than just a few minutes/hours/days?
This sounds like, again, you just want to inflict some damage as retribution for what you have experienced. Hurt people hurt people. How about instead of telling her off, you use that energy to heal yourself?

Regardless of whether or not you want to R, I dont see how doing this is good for anyone. It probably isn't, but neither was her affair.

So because you feel you were wronged, you deserve to be able to do or say whatever you want?

I am a L. When you ask for more than half of assets , you appear unreasonable. You are not the first jilted spouse to feel entitled to more property based on the fault of the other spouse. Judges have seen this 205445794 times...it is a waste of time that can annoy the judge, and make you appear too angry to be seen as objective. That might matter when issues of credibility arise.

I assume it's a no fault state or a no fault divorce, so then her affair is legally irrelevant, which is hard to hear, I know. But that is what no fault means, (it has advantages too, but that's a different topic).

Second, telling her off achieves the opposite of your goal.

She will NOT Slap her forehead and say "OMG he's right! I'm a horrible person and will walk in shame now...forever regretting my horrible choices."

Instead, she'll say "OMG what a jerk I'm leaving and he just proved I'm right to go. See everyone? I told you he had a temper/mean streak and is petty and vindictive"...

even righteous anger cannot be heard by a WAS. Understand this. I tried every word combination to wake my h up, and I think I'd have won if i were in the Supreme Court arguing, but he could/would not hear me. Period.

When I say "be a man only a fool would leave", I sometimes mean, be a man who is strong and calm in the face of betrayal, a man above reproach, who acts with honor and strength,

leaving an image in her head of a man whom she wounded, deeply, but who put his children ahead of his ego and marched forward with his dignity anyway...

someday into the arms of a loving loyal woman who laughs & loves with him.

That^^^ is the most likely way to get her to regret her choices, but most importantly that is the way you are most likely to live a happier life, sooner.

That old adage "the best revenge is a life well lived", is very apt.

[resolut]

even righteous anger cannot be heard by a WAS. Understand this. I tried every word combination to wake my h up, and I think I'd have won if i were in the Supreme Court arguing, but he could/would not hear me. Period.

@25yearsmlc, that is such an insightful post.

I'm really struggling with the righteous anger in my situation with my WW living with me and keeping an active AP. I used to respect her as a woman in touch with spirituality and truth. But now, no. There are certainly situations in life when righteous anger is called for and triumphant, but in confronting a WS, they're immune.

I listen to a podcast the other day that was describing a person that has 'fallen in love' as almost being the same biologically as temporary insanity. When you look at your spouse having an affair from that standpoint his/her irrational behavior does make sense.

[LanceSijan]

I listen to a podcast the other day that was describing a person that has 'fallen in love' as almost being the same biologically as temporary insanity.
When you look at your spouse having an affair from that standpoint his/her irrational behavior does make sense.

YES

And an LBS can have the same type of irrational behavior too. Since most of us fit in that category, it is best if we work on fixing that type of behavior within ourselves. As the only one we can control is ourselves!

[Dawgs]

However, is it really "temporary insanity" or one of the many terms that is thrown out there to give a reason where we have none - just like fog or mlc. Mere terms to justify. The thing is, they don't love or care for us - if they did, then they damn sure wouldn't sleep with someone else. What most here tend forget is that there are different levels of love - sure they can still love us in some form/fashion, because after all we had a significant relationship with them. And people fall out of love/caring all the time...so why should they be expected to stay? Ever ended a relationship yourself? Same deal.

Now, with that said, sometimes they just don't care enough to want to continue. It happens. And stop with throwing terms/bones/etc at them, because that's exactly what it is.

The real problem here on this board is the LBS. We tend to think and try to explain their stuff through our own eyes and experience, when, in reality, it doesn't fit. We need to work on ourselves and stop trying to do everything in our power to get them to stay. If they decide to come back, then that is a different kettle of fish. Call a spade a spade and let it be done.