Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W
Woke_Up Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
Why does every update I do seem to turn into 'War & Peace'? wink


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W
Woke_Up Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
Spoken to L today, so a lot more well informed about what could happen. Financially, W would get most of the equity from the house, as expected, but if it's unaffordable for 1 party to keep the house, then she couldn't prevent the sale, if it comes to that.

W can't take D5 abroad, and as I have parental responsibility, she would probably struggle to move to another part of the UK without my agreement or a court ruling.

She also said I should be able to stop OM meeting my daughter. At least for a period of time.

L said I should set a time limit on things, and then let W know. If it reaches that time limit, put my plans into action, get some control back.

Had a good training session tonight, working on knife defence. Really enjoyed it.

Got back to W in a foul mood, she'd been depressing herself with stuff on YouTube again, about the decline of our society and inevitable future for our children. Then started an argument with me, about the bed and MBR again, and ended up with me threatening to put her phone down the toilet if she did it again - told her she was getting angry with me because of the phone and I wasn't having it. No winners to this argument. Oh well. Can't have a completely good day, eh?


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 253
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 253
Hi Woke_Up

"On Thursday evening I had to watch my beautiful, precious D5 covering her ears because mummy was raging at daddy again".

My heart goes out to you and your sitch, we basically are caught up in what we can afford to do most of the time! Seeing your D doing the above must have hurt a great deal, was there any remorse from your W..?

I basically was having none of this in my R, she was playing out her A in front of my 2 children and me and enough was enough I moved out after she refused. To be honest it gave me back control BUT allowed her to escalate the A he basically moved in! You can imagine how I felt having this stranger play happy families with my 2S. I can't control her though but I'm sure if I stayed the sitch would have been horrendous for all especially my boys.

Sandi2 states these people are masters of manipulation and this cycle had to be broken. I see my sitch now as her on a massive high curve coming slowly down as their R gets more and more routine whilst mine is the opposite, I'm at an all time low BUT getting better and better. Soon we'll cross on the chart and then see what happens..

Again stay strong and keep at it.

Mark


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W
Woke_Up Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
Originally Posted By: parkema
Hi Woke_Up

"On Thursday evening I had to watch my beautiful, precious D5 covering her ears because mummy was raging at daddy again".

My heart goes out to you and your sitch, we basically are caught up in what we can afford to do most of the time! Seeing your D doing the above must have hurt a great deal, was there any remorse from your W..?


No, she is very rarely remorseful following her raging and spewing. In fact, I get blamed for trying to leave the room. Made the mistake of going into a different room where D5 was, and getting trapped in there. I won't do that again. When I have said not to do it in front of the kids before, she has actually responded that the kids need to know what sort of idiot there father is.... although there is a story about that occasion. She says I am teaching my daughter to run away by leaving the room, where I see it as not standing for abuse. She can be quite verbally abusive, although it seems not so frequent recently.

Quote:
I basically was having none of this in my R, she was playing out her A in front of my 2 children and me and enough was enough I moved out after she refused. To be honest it gave me back control BUT allowed her to escalate the A he basically moved in! You can imagine how I felt having this stranger play happy families with my 2S. I can't control her though but I'm sure if I stayed the sitch would have been horrendous for all especially my boys.


I'm not sure I would have coped with that. This is bad enough with it being an EA that she refuses to end. I think I would have cut her loose at a PA. Either kicked her out, or more likely, I would have had to leave, given how the UK is.

Quote:
Sandi2 states these people are masters of manipulation and this cycle had to be broken. I see my sitch now as her on a massive high curve coming slowly down as their R gets more and more routine whilst mine is the opposite, I'm at an all time low BUT getting better and better. Soon we'll cross on the chart and then see what happens..

Again stay strong and keep at it.

Mark


Thanks mate, and best of luck with your progress. I'll keep an eye on your thread. Don't know about staying strong, I had a relapse last night and told OM to... well, I can't swear on this forum, but you get the idea. Allowed impulse to get the better of me. Just going to pull back and take stock again - I've allowed myself to get too close again recently, what with her yo-yoing with regards to selling the house, then not wanting to sell and wanting us to plan for the future. Does my head in sometimes. Going to take time to re-read DR and some of my self improvement books, get back on track mentally.


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 253
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 253
Hi Woke_Up

I do think re-visiting the DR book is a good idea. Look we all love our WW's and we do drop the ball sometimes and fall back into some bad habits it's only natural.

Don't beat yourself up over it, these things happen.

One of the reasons I had to leave the family home was partly due to her wanting to justify what she is doing having an A, you have to remember this is WAR. At this moment in time my WW is running on dopamine which is giving her a massive high due to what she is getting from her AP/LO.
She needs to get her fix and so keeps being with him (obviously being a co-worker helps her also) BUT guilt doesn't hide it pops up from time to time to remind her what she is doing is wrong! How does she fight these feelings? She justifies them by getting you to show your bad side, she instigates a conversation she knows pushes your buttons and off you go. This then says to her "look this is the reason I'm with this wonderful AP/LO you're just pathetic.".

I watched my children see their mum turn into something unrecognisable a different person who hated their dad (she told me the marriage was great) the arguments she instigated had to stop, I moved out. Now I have control over these episodes in fact I don't have any anymore, I can now predict when these are likely to happen and charge neutral. This dissipates the hatred and bad feeling (but doesn't allow her to get rid of her guilt) If I fall I just back off and if it continues politely ask her to leave.

You mention your W is telling you your wrong in "teaching my daughter to run away by leaving the room" WTF! Remember the guilt thing? She wants to justify her actions by making you look bad DON'T FALL FOR IT. Act with poise and class, be the better person the adult here, my advice and I'm not sure what everybody else feels but "charge neutral" look it up and soak up all that negativity by staying calm and agreeing with what she says to some degree. This has the habit of her seeing almost nothing there to have a go at and you aren't giving her her justification by being the jerk.

How many times have I wanted to kick the $h1t out of the AP?

Ex military it's in the make-up BUT what would this accomplish? You need to stop this contact with the OP all you're succeeding in doing is pushing her closer and closer to him BE THE BETTER PERSON.

I am slowly coming to terms with my situation and am getting better and better it's a mantra of mine, my main aim now is to keep doing the LRT in the DR book and GAL (thought military lingo was bad) whilst being the best father to my wonderful boys and showing WW I'm still her best friend and a safe place for her to come to when her world starts to fall apart.

Watch this space...

Take care, be patient be good.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W
Woke_Up Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
Well and truly screwed things up today. Let myself be caught in a fight with W, got in her face repeatedly, so she started shoving me away, at which point I told her she should leave and attempted to manhandlw her out of the front door. Didn't work, she fought back, scratching at my face. I didn't defend against it.

This was a complete show of weakness on my part. Shut up and walk away. Why can't I do this? We need separate spaces, that's for sure. I feel disgusted with myself for reacting this way.

Anyway, W has told D5 that we need to live separately. She's right. She's talking about relocating to Wales, not sure how serious she is.

Guess the first step is to actually sell the house.

On top of that, my contract was terminated early on Monday, so finished work on Friday - so I'm job hunting again.

Self examination makes me think I was handing her into physically attacking me, once upon a time I would have played the victim, but I won't. What I did was inexcusable- so I'll own that.

Prior to today, things had been ok, just in a holding pattern. Don't know what brought today on.

I have apologised. I will just work on maintaining space from her, to avoid a future repeat.


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W
Woke_Up Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
I have now started working away from home in the week, Mon-Fri. This is far from ideal, but I needed to pay the bills. Must keep a roof over our heads.

I will see how this develops with anything to do with W. I am trying to minimise contact with her. I FaceTime D every night. That is the worst, being away from the kids.

Things with W had been somewhat settled lately. Physicallybintimate ablut once every week or 2 (twice before I started working away). The first week I was away she was hardly on Skype, but I checked her emails. Turned out to be just ablivers tiff with OM and after his begging and pleading and pledging undying and eternal love, she is back on. She racked up about 4 hours on Friday - so I had a go at her about it when I got home, saying what a waste of time it was when she was claiming to be busy and over worked.

She keeps talking about long term plans still. Paying off the mortgage early, buying a camper van. On Saturday we sat in the garden and talked a bit. To be frank, she did most of the talking. I am less interested in making the effort while she is still in her EA. I told her on Sunday that the reason I wan talkative was this. I said that all the long term plans were meaningless and I had no intention of going along with them while she was involved in any form with another man.

She said get the house sold, so I said I was happy to do so, but last time she chickened out and had me cancel the real estate agents. She tried to deny it was her doing, but then stopped, as she remembered it was her.

We went out on Sunday for a family day out. Later, W is still talking about a camper van, and was quite touchy feely. I genuinely think her mental state is questionable - or she is the queen of duplicity.

Next month is 1 yr since BD. I'm unsure as whether to accelerate my plans or to give it the 6 months I discussed with L. I'm hoping the time away in the week will give me time to think, get some clarity, and hopefully GAL also. See how it goes.

I still have 1 telephone counselling session to go. Need to think about what I want to cover in it.


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W
Woke_Up Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
I'm still hanging in. No real progress. Have mananged tonoull myself away from snooping, which helps, but W shows no sign of abating.

Sometimes things are Ok, sometimes there are arguments, sometimes we have sex. I'm still being too nice about the whole thing really. Enabling.

I keep thinking about the 60% + of my time with the kids that I will lose once I pull the trigger. I am going to have to be the bad guy. W has no incentive to leave, or to sell the house. Countdown to year end has begun.

Occasional things over the last few weeks. W said she missed me when I first started working away. Then one time she said she loved me when I was going out the for with D5. Last weekend she was wearing her engagement ring again, albeit on the other hand...


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W
Woke_Up Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
W has just informed me that she plans on taking a trip to the US in January and will *possibly* be meeting OM as a result.

She says she is prepared to be alone as a result.


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Originally Posted By: Woke_Up
W has just informed me that she plans on taking a trip to the US in January and will *possibly* be meeting OM as a result.

She says she is prepared to be alone as a result.


Man, sorry to hear that. So how do you feel about that? What's your next step?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard