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Originally Posted By: Chris73
In moving forward with the assumption that the marriage will not reconcile I've set my ambition on keeping the house.


Chris73,

I kept my house and I'm glad I did. It's home to my sons and their beloved animals. I believe keeping the house has provided a sense of stability for the boys amidst the storm of the divorce.

I hope you're able to keep your house.

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Originally Posted By: Chris73
So I really don't know where things are headed next. I spent the last year of my life trying to reconcile my marriage single-handedly. And now that I'm not trying anymore the anger and resentment have taken center stage. I look at my W these days and I don't see anything that I like anymore. She's always been physically beautiful, but she's not attractive to me anymore. Emotionally we're completely disconnected. There have been numerous times in the past two months when I wanted to tell her about things going on in my life (apart from the marriage). Major things like some of the mini-breakthroughs I'm having in therapy, and minor things like my crappy day at work. But I don't share any of that with her now.

So it's all very confusing. As of today I don't really know if I want to reconcile with her. And if I did want to, would it be for the right reasons? Could we ever reconnect and build a relationship better and stronger than the one that failed? Could I ever trust her again? When I try to answer these questions I get stuck because saying "yes" seems a bit delusional, but saying "no" makes me feel like I'm giving up, giving in, and telling her without words that she was right all along.

I want to be able to support my W as she continues down her path. She has a lot of mirror work to do and it's going to be really hard for her when she finally stops distracting herself from the real issues in her life. I've been reading about agape love and often return to the lighthouse story on this board for inspiration. A few months ago I started writing an apology letter, but my anger got the better of me and I never finished it. I should probably do that.


In some ways you are in a good place. You have given it your all and your W has not done the same. In some ways this should offer you some peace and comfort of mind. (I know in my sitch I remain hopeful because W has reciprocated some degree..so that if she really wants out it it makes it harder for me to see that unless she was cold, mean and distanced).

I am especially impressed that you talk about showing grace towards her. This is a sign of maturity. It [censored] you are in this position but overall when I read your update I see someone who is perhaps sad things are this way but you seem very focused on keeping yourself healthy (and happy) and your kids. If your W wants to come back she can make an effort and it seems like she has an uphill battle to fight. Regardless of what she wants...you express here you will be there for her but perhaps not in romantic love.

Good luck!

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Chris73,

Sorry to hear your update.

Separation with nesting sounds really difficult.

You are where you didn't want to be so of course you are going to have good days and bad days.

Your new office sounds awesome!

Why do you want to support your w as she goes down her path?

Why are you writing an apology letter?

Gordie


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
Why do you want to support your w as she goes down her path? Why are you writing an apology letter?

These are hard questions to answer honestly.

To me "supporting" her means being the lighthouse. I've been very angry with her over the past 2 months. I'm not as detached as I would like to be. I often find myself lost in thought about things she did or said and I have to take the time to snap myself out of it.

But there are times when all of this anger temporarily washes away and I try to see the situation from her perspective. She's having a difficult time right now. She has serious issues that she needs to face but has chosen to distract herself (this time) by running away from the MR. No one can convince her of this fact, not even her IC. If she's ever going to come out of her tunnel it will be on her own. As much as I want to, I know that I can't rescue her. But I'm trying my best to keep my light on so that she can see the path back to safety if/when she chooses to look for it. I don't know if my light can stay on forever, but I'm not ready to turn it off yet.

The apology letter is the very last thing on my list of leaving "no stone unturned". There are a lot of things that I did to contribute to where we are now and I've come to terms with them. I think she would appreciate knowing the details of what I've discovered through my soul searching. I think it would show her that despite everything that's happened, I understand how my actions made her feel.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Maybe write it for you now but don't give it to her until she shows signs of wanting to talk or reflect on the R with you? Otherwise I think the risk is that she will a) see it as pressure or manipulation or b) just not care enough about your thoughts right now to even understand it properly.

Don't rush...you need to know if you're still a lighthouse...but lighthouse don't rush out to sea and tap boats on the shoulder!


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Chris73,

If being the lighthouse is what you mean by support, then I understand.

The apology letter? I have mixed feelings about it. If you can send it because you feel you must, okay, but can you do so without expectations?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
The apology letter? I have mixed feelings about it. If you can send it because you feel you must, okay, but can you do so without expectations?

Actually, I think I can. In pulling from 3 different sources of advice including MWD and the LRT, the apology letter is encouraged. It's also been encouraged by our M&F counselor (in our 1-on-1 sessions).

But the catch is the "without expectations" part, and that's certainly the key. It's supposed to be written and given without any expectation. You're not supposed to write the letter with the goal of obtaining forgiveness, or even to try to explain yourself and the possible good intentions (or other motivations) you might have had when you did the things you're apologizing for. It's intended to act as a means of validation and empathy. To put in the work of remembering the times when you did something hurtful and recount the experience from the spouse's perspective. The spouse should be able to get to the end of the letter and feel understood.

As far apart as we are right now, I believe I owe this to my W. One of her main complaints about our former relationship is that I didn't take time to understand or see things from her perspective. I started the letter many months ago and then got angry and never went back to it. I plan to finish it this week and then talk it over with my IC before leaving it for W.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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I was told my my DB coach to write an apology letter to H. Nothing but validation and owning up to my side of things.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Dec 2016
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I must admit, that letter is still outstanding from my cast coaching session, which was months ago. I veer between thinking it is right to acknowledge my shortcomings to being angry and thinking that W will use it against me and as justification for her actions.

I do believe it needs careful consideration as it could backfire. It's good you are taking your time.


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
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Chris....read through your sitch for inspiration. I admire you dude, you have hung in there through thick and thin. You are much farther along than I am but the stuff you have went through to keep your family together is amazing. Whatever you decide to realize that this is not all your fault. Every relationship has issues but it takes two people to make it work. I have read the through the nice guy stuff and how to get respect from your W however even if you had done things different you still might be in the same place. I second guess myself all the time and what I could have differently etc. however my W could have done things differently as well.

I know I am rambling a bit however I just want you to know that I admire you and everything you have tried to do.

Just out of curiosity has your W mentioned D recently?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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