I haven't started a thread on this board in quite a while as I moved over to one of the other boards here due to things being done.
This Friday will be the final meeting with her to finish a few things and then the only contact will be about the children, even as little as that is.
I found this place about a month or so after BD and have received some great advice and help...everyone really goes out of the way here. Awesome doesn't begin to describe the light in this dark sea that they provide. I never thought things would be where they are now...not in a million years. I always held out hope that she would come back and we could be a family again...even after all she has done.
Those of you familiar with my situation know what I was up against and that the battle was a losing one from the start. Even now, new things are coming to light...and I'm not even shocked anymore. There's a dead space where she was. Sure, I DB'd the hell out her, and also made a lot of mistakes - I'll be the first to admit that if there was a mistake to be made, I made it.
It took me a long time to realize mistakes are OK. We aren't perfect...not by a long shot. I had to come to grips with many things during the course of the two years since BD. Lost my wife, best friend, and lover. I had to come to grips that some just don't come back. One of the most disheartening things I have ever dealt with was learning that the marriage - and me - was nothing to her.
And then there was her affair. The ultimate stab in the back. Trust isn't earned easy to begin with, but with the lies and cover ups, she ground what little I had left into oblivion. And yet more stuff still comes out. After seeing every single picture on the OM's phone, its no wonder my views of cheaters is what it is. I know that one shouldn't expect an apology or even remorse, but there was none...nothing for the two families destroyed. The OMs now ex wife and I have become friends and talk regularly, and she shared a bit of information last week that was just brought to her attention. Sigh.
But in my case there is an asterisk. My ex is an adult and fully aware of what she has done. Her childhood was one that no one should ever go through. No one. The abuse she suffered is beyond belief, and I truly am amazed that she is functioning this well. Although she hid it very, very well. However, I knew nothing of it until after BD. Nothing. I knew nothing of the abuse, rapes, suicide attempts, beatings, attempt on her life - Nothing. Her past shapes her decisions in the present. Our MC (and also my IC) feels she is still in her survival mode and how it affects her now. She's a chameleon. Sigh.
Sometimes we just have to realize that there is nothing that we can do and that they won't be coming back. Ever. I'm stronger now than I've been in a long, long time. My knees no longer wobble. She doesn't cross my mind all that much, either. However, there are times when her ghost makes itself known.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Firstly, I want to say thanks for all the advice/support you have given me. Even though at times I didn't want to hear what you had to say, I still needed to. Kinda woke me up in many ways reading about your sitc.
Then I want to say good luck to you on Friday. Hope things work out and just continue to be the good father you are.
Lastly, I want to say sorry you are still hearing even more details about the W and her OM. I am sure it is still difficult to hear them, but I guess it only helps with realizing that this isn't the woman you once loved and will maybe stop her ghost from coming around so often.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Thanks for stopping by, my friend. I find that offering what advice I can to be more helpful for me than it is for others. I think I may have become jaded a little in my views of some things, but I like to give it straight up instead of blowing smoke and sunshine.
I'm dreading Friday. I really, really am. Honestly, I'm not sure I even like her anymore. But I still love her - how crazy is that? Guess I always will.
No matter how hard one tries to not pay attention, details will slip in once in a while. Even though their affair ended not long after the OM's ex wife blew it up, things leak out...just as they did last week. Ugh. Now, birdies are starting to chirp about them seeing each other again. Oh well. He can have her. He just better stay away from my kids.
You're right. I've come to realize she isn't the person I dated and married. Not by a long shot. Sure, little snippets are caught every now and then, but nothing resembles the ex ms Jeep. Nothing.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Oh, and just 10 minutes ago i found out my wife is still with OM. I had to stop OM's wife from telling me more. Your comment about the pictures made me not want to know, so thank you. I learned a lesson from you.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Oh, and just 10 minutes ago i found out my wife is still with OM. I had to stop OM's wife from telling me more. Your comment about the pictures made me not want to know, so thank you. I learned a lesson from you.
Thank you. I strongly suggest you get whatever the OM's wife can give you for your atty, as you will need it. Try not to look at them, although it will be like a magnet at times. The pain is real, but it lessens in time to a dull ache.
Stay strong, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well I don't believe its being jaded...more like living in reality. In the beginning of my sitch I wanted to believe nothing more than us getting back together and that this was just a faze she was going through. Thankfully, people like you, hit me with my 2x4 and I was able to see the reality of all this.
Not to dig too much, but are you just dreading Friday because you will have to see her? Its not crazy in my eyes to still love her. Betrayal after betrayal and I still love mine as well.
Details are always going to slip I guess. The best thing I do now is act like she is a stranger. Yes, hearing them still [censored]. Just was told by my birdies that they are planning a trip together out of town, but I have to just remember that she isn't my W anymore so whatever. Maybe cut off the sources, idk? It's hard when the birdies are mutual friends so if you know then please share.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Hey Jeep sorry to hear your story. If its any consolation, you aren't alone and you did absolutely nothing to create this mess. I completely agree - I lost my best friend, wife and lover. I never thought my wife would cheat or I'd be single again. It literally never crossed my mind with her. Everyone here has been dragged through a nightmare and we are the good ones who tried to fight to keep the thing together but our wives were to selfish or had their own demons. I always remember a great quote "No matter where you go, there you are". Our wives can't run from their troubles and those troubles will follow them into the next relationship. I did nothing wrong to make her cheat. We had an amazing marriage but my wife still left me for a guy she barely knows. As you say it is so disheartening that they can just abandon the marriage and us so easily. I'll end with another quote for us from Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living or get busy dying."
Not to dig too much, but are you just dreading Friday because you will have to see her? Its not crazy in my eyes to still love her. Betrayal after betrayal and I still love mine as well.
No, its not the seeing her. I sort of see her every night when she skypes with the kids. I think its the fact that this is the final part...the final dealing. For some reason, it's bothering me today. Even after everything she's done, it still bothers me some.
Like you, I act like she's a stranger. I have pretended she doesn't exist so much that its almost like that. All I get from her a day is when its time to Skype and all the text says is a simple "s." And she claims she is trying to be civil. It is what it is, my friend.
Cutting off the sources of the birdies is difficult, very difficult. She wouldn't Skype last weekend as she was out on a date. Oh well. I've asked one of the birdies that I just didn't want to hear it anymore...however, I have one birdy I won't stop, and that's the one remaining ally in her camp. This person knows it all - the entire truth about the ex, yet doesn't really talk to the ex. See, they define the word dysfunctional. But, through that one, I get little warnings...lately they are chirping about some plans the ex and the sister have concerning the kids. UGH.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you, kind sir, for your words. I agree, its tough. Its tough to realize the reality of things - not what we want them to be.
You are so correct - their troubles hound them. Mine won't seek any more help - ever. That's one reason why I won't give "us" another thought.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
