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A Message from Michele
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Re: First time here [Re: BluWave] #2736544
03/28/17 08:55 PM
03/28/17 08:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
L
leahsue Offline OP
Member
leahsue  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
Blu
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I certainly don't think I'm rockin it, but I'll tell you, reading through others' threads have helped me so much in knowing what NOT to do. I don't find myself spending as much time on thinking about the betrayal, as much as I think about the hurt of what I think of as his abandonment of me since then. That was/is the hardest part. I think I knew right away that the betrayal I could probably forgive and get past, but the complete shut-out just made no sense to me. I kept thinking, he is the one who messed up- why isn't he doing anything to make this right? Instead, I felt like I was the one who had screwed up! It was such a lost feeling. I know if we choose to have another go at a marriage, we are in for a lot of work, and I have no way of knowing how I will feel on that road. All I know is that today, he is still the one I hope to grow old with, and that's enough for today. I'll deal with tomorrow's feelings when tomorrow gets here. Hugs, and thanks again for checking in. smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Re: First time here [Re: leahsue] #2736558
03/29/17 03:21 AM
03/29/17 03:21 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
MrBond Offline
Member
MrBond  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Have you read DB or DR yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: First time here [Re: leahsue] #2736563
03/29/17 03:32 AM
03/29/17 03:32 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Dawgs Offline
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Dawgs  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Originally Posted By: leahsue
Blu
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I certainly don't think I'm rockin it, but I'll tell you, reading through others' threads have helped me so much in knowing what NOT to do. I don't find myself spending as much time on thinking about the betrayal, as much as I think about the hurt of what I think of as his abandonment of me since then. That was/is the hardest part. I think I knew right away that the betrayal I could probably forgive and get past, but the complete shut-out just made no sense to me. I kept thinking, he is the one who messed up- why isn't he doing anything to make this right? Instead, I felt like I was the one who had screwed up! It was such a lost feeling. I know if we choose to have another go at a marriage, we are in for a lot of work, and I have no way of knowing how I will feel on that road. All I know is that today, he is still the one I hope to grow old with, and that's enough for today. I'll deal with tomorrow's feelings when tomorrow gets here. Hugs, and thanks again for checking in. smile


You have got this! That road? Yours is paved in gold, my friend!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Re: First time here [Re: Dawgs] #2736589
03/29/17 07:32 AM
03/29/17 07:32 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
L
leahsue Offline OP
Member
leahsue  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
Yes Mr. Bond, Both books, more than once.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Re: First time here [Re: leahsue] #2736868
03/30/17 05:08 PM
03/30/17 05:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
L
leahsue Offline OP
Member
leahsue  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
Friends,
I just have to share this moment with someone. These kinds of moments are the golden nuggets that can be found in the middle of a very dark chapter.
I just spent the lunch and afternoon with my daughter for her birthday. We had such a wonderful time, and after she got home she sent me this text message. I am so blessed to be her mother.
"Mom, I am so incredibly awe-struck by how proud of you I am. You are handling this "box of darkness" that you were given with such grace, dignity, self-awareness, introspection, self-care, self-love. It is really inspiring to watch. I love you." Then she wrote this quote from Mary Oliver- Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
I think I'm going to add this quote to my signature.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Re: First time here [Re: leahsue] #2736871
03/30/17 07:24 PM
03/30/17 07:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: leahsue
25mlc,
Thank you so much for the long, thoughtful responses to my musings. I intend to read it several times and let it all sink in. You make some very good points. I don't know if I posted this earlier, but when he first mentioned coming for a visit, after I thought about it for a few days, I said to him- you know, I'm ok with a visit, but I have some thoughts about it and would like to make sure we plan this visit keeping these things in mind. You told me a few months ago that you're not sure what you want in your future, and if I'm honest, I don't really know what I want for myself either any more, so I'm fairly sure we aren't ready to have deep, complicated conversations about how we got here, etc. I propose that we just plan some fun things, enjoy spending some time together, and see how that goes, no heavy discussions. He said, that is exactly how I'd like to see it go, also. I'd like for us to just start to get to know each other again.
So, at least we have covered that part of the visit- I'm not sure if the length of the visit will affect that, but I think it's a real possibility.

Well good grief Leahsue, that^^^ was kinda brilliantly handled!



Another interesting twist tonight- when he called earlier my daughter was beeping in, and I said, oh it's D- you know today is her birthday so I probably need to get this. He said of course, in a very sweet way, and we got on off the phone. While I was talking to her, she said- wow, H is texting me. He said happy birthday, love you. I'm thrilled that he reached out to her (she's his step-daughter) and also find it interesting that he said love you to her. He doesn't say that to me yet. And as angry as she was at him at BD, she graciously texted him back and said "love you, too". That couldn't have been an easy thing for either of them, and I'm proud they both felt ok with it happening.

I know it's a lot and if you two begin piecing, you'll begin a whole new chapter of weird work.

But still, this^^ is a LOVELY interchange that many LBSers would give an arm & a leg to have happen.

It's okay to be grateful. Gratitude doesn't increase our risk of heartbreak.


Jeep, how am I really doing? I had to think about that one. The week after BD I remember saying to someone, I just want to handle this nightmare with dignity and grace, no matter the outcome, and be able to look back on this knowing I took the high road and did my very best.

grin laugh YES ^^^^^...yes, amen, exactly, affirmative, etc.


I think I've done that, thanks in large part to finding this forum so quickly in. I've cried a million tears, felt despair so dark it was frightening, questioned everything I thought I knew about love and marriage and trust, but also I've grown as a person, expanded my horizons, and none of that would have happened if I were still stuck in my complacency with my own life.

applause applause...



So all in all, I think I'm doing OK and going to be just fine, with or without H. I don't feel this way 100% of the time, but certainly a drastically higher percentage than even a month ago.


As you are discovering - it's not a linear process. Backsliding is to be expected. But the part of you that knows down deep you will be just fine with or without h...

that is the part that can grow & give you a peaceful strength you probably would not have discovered otherwise.

Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth...(or bitterness and cynicism & victimhood)

in the end, it is our choice. I'm so impressed.


Thanks for keeping a check on me. You've become a good cyber-friend, plus you keep me laughing. smile


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: First time here [Re: leahsue] #2736886
03/31/17 04:20 AM
03/31/17 04:20 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Dawgs Offline
Member
Dawgs  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Originally Posted By: leahsue
Friends,
I just have to share this moment with someone. These kinds of moments are the golden nuggets that can be found in the middle of a very dark chapter.
I just spent the lunch and afternoon with my daughter for her birthday. We had such a wonderful time, and after she got home she sent me this text message. I am so blessed to be her mother.
"Mom, I am so incredibly awe-struck by how proud of you I am. You are handling this "box of darkness" that you were given with such grace, dignity, self-awareness, introspection, self-care, self-love. It is really inspiring to watch. I love you." Then she wrote this quote from Mary Oliver- Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
I think I'm going to add this quote to my signature.


That is so freaking awesome!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Re: First time here [Re: leahsue] #2736909
03/31/17 07:08 AM
03/31/17 07:08 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: leahsue
Friends,
I just have to share this moment with someone. These kinds of moments are the golden nuggets that can be found in the middle of a very dark chapter.
I just spent the lunch and afternoon with my daughter for her birthday. We had such a wonderful time, and after she got home she sent me this text message. I am so blessed to be her mother.
"Mom, I am so incredibly awe-struck by how proud of you I am. You are handling this "box of darkness" that you were given with such grace, dignity, self-awareness, introspection, self-care, self-love. It is really inspiring to watch. I love you." Then she wrote this quote from Mary Oliver- Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
I think I'm going to add this quote to my signature.



smile I love this so much^^^....

It is another "moment" you can treasure. And never regret.

I don't want to be all pollyanna about this ordeal, b/c we know it stinks.

AND YET - this is a box of darkness you'd never have gotten without the ordeal & pain.

And you are converting it into an opportunity to model how to handle blows to the heart, setbacks and betrayal - for your daughter. She will face all of those sometime in her life, as we all do. But she will have you as a role model for what to do.

AND it would not have happened without this ordeal.

This^^ counts. This^^ matters.

You are making the best out of an ordeal no one wants to have.

You've taken the words "Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth" - and implemented them.

Blessings & grace to you.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: First time here [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2736924
03/31/17 07:59 AM
03/31/17 07:59 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
L
leahsue Offline OP
Member
leahsue  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
25years and Jeep,
You are both so awesome. I love reading everything you write, of course on my own thread, but everywhere you go on here, you spread hope and encouragement. What a gift!


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Re: First time here [Re: leahsue] #2736925
03/31/17 08:00 AM
03/31/17 08:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
L
leahsue Offline OP
Member
leahsue  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
Also 25 years- I cracked up at your reference to Pollyanna. My girlfriend and I use that expression ALL the time when we start to get too.... well, you know. LOL.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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