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#2729501 02/10/17 08:56 AM
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Time for a new thread.

Incoming, Fox Holes, and now Clear Skies


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I don't want to tie up Ginger's thread...how about you creating a new one and we can continue the discussion there? If you'll create your thread, I'll delete our posts here so that we aren't racking up the posting limit on Ginger's thread.

A lot has changed! The Mall in Waldorf is okay and I have no issues w/going there. We have had some gang activities in the county. The county has been growing by leaps and bounds and we now have a lot of really good places to eat and stores are coming up in the world. Not as many pastures and farm lands any more because of the housing "boom" and a lot of people coming to work at Pax. You would be surprised at how much has changed since '14, i.e., even Pax! McDonald's just closed on base.


I need to get back. Have a lot of old friends in the area. The Navy does that to you, though. McD's closed? I must say that I'm not surprised...I do recall a lot of violations there, as was Subway. Do you work on base? Pax has one of the best military golf courses there is. Absolutely loved the area. Not much to do, but that's ok. My son was very young and daughter was just born before we left.

There was (not sure if its still there) an Amish furniture market between California and Waldorf, I believe, but I can't remember the name of if. Brought some furniture there - very well-made stuff. The ex isn't getting that. haha.

Is that trail still around the lake at St. Mary's state park? Used to mountain bike that a lot.


Last edited by job; 02/10/17 09:13 AM. Reason: Add link to previous thread

There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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No, I never worked on Base. My father worked there and retired from there. My sister is still working there. I may be a country girl, but the city called to me and that's where I worked.

The "farmer's market" is still there and has expanded quite a bit. Yes, the trail is still at St. Mary's Lake and we now have a new trail where the old railroad tracks ran from Charles down thru our area. It's all paved and everyone is enjoying it. Like I said...things have really changed over the years.

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Will bring this from the last thread:

Just thoughts.

Maybe this is directed to those who have experience dealing with adult survivors of childhood abuse.

As ya'll are aware, my ex suffered through a childhood of unimaginable abuse. My ex is a great woman in her own right. Heart of gold. However, as time passed, her demons became too much. As I have said before, when she puts her uniform on its like a light switch - she becomes a totally different person...one that is calm, in control, with no self-doubt whatsoever. I mean, its a very, very far cry from when she isn't in uniform.

Had I known before, my approach would have been much different than it was. I'm not even sure I could have done things differently. How do ya'll deal with someone who is so broken? Is it better to just give up when nothing can be done?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Your ex learned early on in her life to compartmentalize. There is no right way to deal w/someone who is broken. Sometimes, we have to step back, allow them the time and space to figure things out and follow their lead. If she ever comes to grips w/what happened, she's going to need someone to listen, validate and not judge her. She's not going to want someone to fix her, but someone who can stand beside her and allow her to make her mistakes and own them. Sometimes, just being there, as a friend, is all you can be to them w/o expectations, accepting them for who they are now and not who there were yesterday, last week or even last year.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you, Job.

You are correct in her compartmentalization. Survival is how the IC (also our MC) put it. She's come to grips with a lot of it, I'd give details but that would be a little too much personalization info for here. You know, I was there as a friend and a husband. I tried. I'm not perfect, by any stretch, but there never was a reason for divorce. Her demons took hold. She is very easily influenced, as evident by her family members. Remember the one ally I have in her camp? Well, we had another talk a few days ago. In it, a lot of things were discovered...the ex had an affair with a married man several years before we met; more than one breakdown; and several suicide attempts. This family member is one of only two others in that group that knows of the abuse, but wasn't part of that experience.


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Jeep74,

You have taught me so much. You've made me think hard about the trauma that happened to my W in her teen years (different than your XW's) and how broken she was from that and never fully healed. Unlike you, I did know about this throughout our M and wrongly assumed that she was at peace with it (she rarely spoke of it). In hindsight, should I have tried to talk to her more? Should I have pushed her to go to counseling? Well, I can't change the past, so I do ask myself is there anything I can do now, in the present? Or, as we will have an ongoing relationship, is there anything I can or should do in the future? I don't know. I really don't know.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hey Gordie!

Thank you for the words, my friend.

Quote:
You have taught me so much. You've made me think hard about the trauma that happened to my W in her teen years (different than your XW's) and how broken she was from that and never fully healed. Unlike you, I did know about this throughout our M and wrongly assumed that she was at peace with it (she rarely spoke of it). In hindsight, should I have tried to talk to her more? Should I have pushed her to go to counseling? Well, I can't change the past, so I do ask myself is there anything I can do now, in the present? Or, as we will have an ongoing relationship, is there anything I can or should do in the future? I don't know. I really don't know.


You know, it's an iffy thing on how I would have reacted had I known about the abuse when we were dating. I most likely would have stayed and definitely would have done things differently. She isn't a bad person, she is just a victim of a most f***ed up childhood. I'm not even sure what I could have done differently. She has a very good heart, but at the same time she is also very easily influenced. My IC said that it most likely wouldn't have mattered at all.

Should you have tried to talk more? That's a loaded question. The thing is, it may have been past her comfort level to even have that conversation - and may even bring up harmful memories. Case in point - there were some things (had I known about issues, I never would have done it) that set her off. We both are joking people and I love to play jokes, but this one instant sent her into hysterics. It's the little things that I didn't know about. She never said anything more than once and never, ever stood up or argued. Ugh. I would have gladly tried again.

Should you have pushed for counseling? I'd have to say no. That's something only she has to come to terms with. To suggest it can go right or very, very wrong.

You've heard my road and butterfly analogies often on this board, so you know where I am going. There isn't anything you can say or do, now. Work on yourself - I've seen a remarkable change since you started posting. Don't squeeze that butterfly, but keep your hand open - if she want's to alight, then she will. But make sure you are OK with her choosing not to. Just be the best Gordie you can be. That's all.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
As ya'll are aware, my ex suffered through a childhood of unimaginable abuse. My ex is a great woman in her own right. Heart of gold. However, as time passed, her demons became too much. As I have said before, when she puts her uniform on its like a light switch - she becomes a totally different person...one that is calm, in control, with no self-doubt whatsoever. I mean, its a very, very far cry from when she isn't in uniform.


Jeep,

My XW is similar to yours except that she has full-blown dissociative identity disorder (aka multiple personalities). I didn't know the extent of the childhood trauma until about 11 years after being married. And, I'm fairly certain that I don't know the full extent the abuse.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the result of extreme, and repeated, childhood trauma. It generally only occurs in children that are younger than 6 or 7 years old, before the personality is full formed. When the abuse occurs, the child escapes the abuse by becoming another person and repressing the memories of that person. Typically, DID doesn't outwardly manifest itself until adulthood when the person is in a safe place and is mature enough to begin to process some of the repressed memories from the "alters" (the alternate personalities that they created). Once the memories start coming back, it can be very traumatic and debilitating. My XW would often experience the repressed memories in dreams or nightmares and eventually she would remember the pits and pieces. As soon as she'd believe that all of the memories were out the open, more memories would come to the surface.

Like your XW, my XW could be a total emotional wreck and then suddenly become a strong and tough woman. She'd switch personalities and all was good again. It wasn't generally as outwardly apparent to someone who didn't know about her DID (unlike TV and movies); they'd just think she was moody or a tad bipolar. In fact, her initial diagnosis was bipolar disorder.

Anyway, I said all of that to say, although your wife isn't DID, she may actually be dissociating, repressing memories and feelings, so that can switch into her "get the job done" mode. It's also possible that she is DID; it may be worth doing some research.

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It took me a long time, but I have slowly come to the realization that I have to just walk away. We are done and done. The ex gave in to her demons a long time ago, and therefore, gave up on the marriage. The IC suggested that as time passed, she went little by little back down the rabbit hole. Seems that, in some form, she missed the "drama" and did not know what to do with a "good guy." That, on top of many other things. She had often talked about she "missed" going out and drinking and that no one could out-drink her (that pretty much stopped when we got married...yet, is returning some now).

On the surface, she appears to be fine and you wouldn't know of her past. It's what lies beneath that is most scary. I've seen her breakdowns - which only came after BD - and they aren't pretty. Scary is a better word.

So what can I do? This marriage is long gone. I'm done and wash my hands of it. I don't hate her, but I do hate the environment that caused it. She has more than moved on and little birdies are talking of someone else in her life - maybe number 2, 3, or 4 since we ended ours. You know something? That doesn't bother me anymore. As long as they don't come around the kids, I'm fine with it.

Yet, I guess her ghost will always remain. Which I find odd, because I'm at the place where there is no feeling. None. Just sorrow.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Doodler,

Quote:
Anyway, I said all of that to say, although your wife isn't DID, she may actually be dissociating, repressing memories and feelings, so that can switch into her "get the job done" mode. It's also possible that she is DID; it may be worth doing some research.


I will look into that, maybe just so I can learn for future dealings with her even though ours is finished.

Interesting that you talk of more memories coming in the open. My ex had told me that (close to the time of BD) her sister had starting asking questions in relation to the abuse...it seems that the sister somehow repressed the memories while the ex did not.

Thanks for adding that info...I'll definitely research, if not to only get a better understanding.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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