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Sam22 #2728433 02/03/17 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sam22
I also said that I thought neither of us were in the right headspace to make such a big decision like this and we should both work on ourselves first.


My thought is that you should stop phrasing this as 'we' and start focusing more on 'I/me'. You should stop presuming to know what kind of mental/emotional state she is in. It's perfectly OK to explain your wants/needs/plans to some extent, but to try to control the way she makes her decisions isnt going to turn out well for you.

Cristy #2728434 02/03/17 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: Cristy
Originally Posted By: Sam22
Thanks Cristy. I have just emailed you.


Hi Sam,

I sent you an email today. Did you get it?

Cristy

Hi Cristy, I did. Thankyou. It's 6:30 am here and I'm waiting for my w to wake up as I'm looking after the kids at the moment. Hopefully I can contact you shortly.

MoveFrwd #2728437 02/03/17 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Originally Posted By: Sam22
I also said that I thought neither of us were in the right headspace to make such a big decision like this and we should both work on ourselves first.


My thought is that you should stop phrasing this as 'we' and start focusing more on 'I/me'. You should stop presuming to know what kind of mental/emotional state she is in. It's perfectly OK to explain your wants/needs/plans to some extent, but to try to control the way she makes her decisions isnt going to turn out well for you.

Thankss kaizen, I'm not presuming what state she is in. She's told me. The reason I used "we" is to let her know that I nneedto work on things as well and that it's not all herr and I don't feel I was trying to control her decision process, but more trying to highlight that big decisions like this shouldn't be made when the persons headspace isn't right.

Sam22 #2728447 02/03/17 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sam22
I'm not presuming what state she is in. She's told me. The reason I used "we" is to let her know that I nneedto work on things as well and that it's not all herr and I don't feel I was trying to control her decision process, but more trying to highlight that big decisions like this shouldn't be made when the persons headspace isn't right.


Im sorry if Im coming across as pedantic. Im not trying to pick on you for this one example. My point is kind of general.

To me, saying "we should work on ourselves before making this decision" IS controlling. As I said originally, I think it's a much better phrasing to say "I realized that I was in no state of mind right now to make any big life decisions. I need some time to consider what I want before taking any actions."

By saying 'we', it assumes her state. Sure, she may have told you something, but to me, it involves some level of interpretation and analysis on your part and theres a chance you get it wrong. And theres a chance that she has changed her opinions since you last talked. To me, pulling her into your decision space is not going to work out well for you. The example phrasing I gave above leaves no room for argument or discussion; it is what you have decided about you. Your phrasing involving her leaves many avenues for her to dissent.

See the part I bolded above -- that's your opinion. I imagine she has already thought about this decision for far longer than you even realize. So now youre expecting her to go off and take more time? was her original thought time insufficient? What are you expecting of her in order to get into the 'right' headspace?

MoveFrwd #2728471 02/03/17 05:16 PM
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Hi all,

Could really use some advice right now.

After I told my W that I didn't want to leave, she said she needed to let it sink in and we'll chat tonight, but she was very pessimistic last night. Which makes me think she won't want to try or has already checked out, but then she hugs and kisses me good night.

This morning she's kissed me and given me a hug and it's really messing with my head. I can't think straight. She wants me to look after the kids and be happy around them while she does some business paper work, but all I want to do is leave the house. I'm finding it really hard to be happy around the kids. I don't know why I'm getting these mixed messages. is that normal in these situations?I'm really struggling to cope today. Any advice right now would be really welcomed. U

Sam22 #2728472 02/03/17 05:17 PM
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You're getting mixed messages because, at best, she's confused herself. At worst, she's being manipulative.

Why do you want to leave the house? You mean for a couple hours, or move out?

tl2 #2728473 02/03/17 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: tl2
You're getting mixed messages because, at best, she's confused herself. At worst, she's being manipulative.

Why do you want to leave the house? You mean for a couple hours, or move out?


Just for a few hours to clear my head. I can't think straight. I know if I ask to leave for a few hours, she'll get upset and think that she can't rely on me. She asked me not to work today so I could look after the kids while she did the paperwork for the business.

Sam22 #2728489 02/04/17 12:12 AM
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I ended up staying but took an extra couple of cigarette breaks which helped me through it.

We'll be chatting in about an hour or so once the kids go down. Don't know what she'll say, but my guess would be that she still wants the divorce. Any advice on how I should respond considering its not what I want?

Thanks all.

Sam22 #2728490 02/04/17 12:13 AM
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If she says she still wants out, should I put a stop to the affection?

Sam22 #2728633 02/06/17 03:12 AM
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If for no other reason, you should stop b/c of the effect it has on your ability to think clearly.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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