I thought about moving myself over to the MLC forum, but I think this may be my last thread, so I'll keep it here. My W is very likely having a MLC but, unlike some brave people over in the MLC forum, I don't plan on waiting 3.5 years, etc., for my W to return. A big part of this is that I believe my W's MLC is mixed with and fueled by a moderate degree of BPD, which is a lifelong condition. It's not so much that I can't live with her BPD -- I have, and I had come to terms with it and was at a rather peaceful, happy place in my life before she dropped the bomb. I just don't think the odds are very good for me, and I don't have the emotional strength to DB for 3.5 years, or anything close to it, to find out. It's the uncertainty that kills me. If someone said wait 3.5 years and your love will return, I would wait.
As I was spending my evening with my family, I was seized by the urge to remember, to record in my mind, everything about that moment; because it was to be one of the last few evenings together like that. It was like this:
I came through the front door and said Hellooo and I hear my D saying Hi Daddy, then the light thuds of the footsteps of my S (the younger one), trotting around the corner and up to me to give me a hug. He had been waiting to play a game with me. W sitting at the dining table, working on her stuff, no greeting, not even a look. I play w/ my S, then made some chips & guacamole, and gave a serving to my W, then took another serving over to my S to share with. After that, I made a pot of wild rice to go w/ some leftover chicken my W had baked last night. At the dinner table, we all talk, the W even talks to me, and there is laughter and the kids are happy. D goes off to watch some TV, and S is still munching on watermelon, standing next to Mom. Suddenly head fills with tears, a sadness not linked to any particular words. I wrap my arms around my boy, place my head in the small crook of his neck and hold back the tears. I just hear watermelon being munched away.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
It's not easy, brother. I think that you are doing great even if you don't think so. Even now, I have to fight back the tears every now and then - its shifted from the loss of my marriage and best friend to that of the kids. My son said something last night that just about sent me over the edge...I won't discuss it on here but it broke my heart. I'm tired of this heart breaking stuff and feel mine slowly turning to stone over time.
I'd have waited, too, if someone told me that. Well, most likely anyway.
Keep it up, my friend. We may disagree on here at times but I value your opinion and I feed off your strength.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The ebb and flow of heartbreak are inevitable. And I imagine they never really go away. The bittersweet picture of family life you describe has so many elements of happiness and irony. I hope in the future it will be less ironic as you ease into a life without your W. But it seems your lives will intersect quite a bit as long as you keep the house and you continue co-parenting. I know you don't want to wait 3.5 years for the MLC to run its course, so don't. Do what you want to do. But I bet as things play out, you may find that as you let go and your W comes to her senses (even with the BPD), there's a chance your relationship gets back on course. It'll then be your decision to stay or let it be.
Hugs, Gump. It is bleak and dark and so soul crushing right now. Let yourself feel all those emotions, then do what makes you feel competent and happy. Set up the new house. Go for fun outing with the kids. What do you like to do, btw?
My heart goes out to you and I understand how you feel. I'm just a few months behind in the process. You're going to be great after you get your footing. Heck, you've got great footing despite the rough seas.
FG -- that will be the scene, or something very like it, in your new home many, many times. Yes, they won't be there every day, but there also won't be that silent, judging and rejecting presence there every day, either. In time, there will be a loving, supportive presence that wants to make you know you matter and are loved.
Life is and will be beautiful. It is a testament to your qualities that you still find joy in that moment you describe. What is your W feeling in that moment? Would you change places with that emptiness, or isn't it better to have a full heart, even if it is heavy?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
...there also won't be that silent, judging and rejecting presence there every day, either. In time, there will be a loving, supportive presence that wants to make you know you matter and are loved.
I thought about moving myself over to the MLC forum, but I think this may be my last thread, so I'll keep it here.
ForGump,
If this is your goodbye post or thread, I just want to say thank you for all of your encouragement and support in a very difficult time. I share your pain and wish you all of the best--with or without your wife, you have a great future ahead of you. You are a committed father and will figure out how to co-parent with your XW as well as will be possible for your children. You have taken the time to learn a lot about yourself (good and bad), to change and improve, to embrace the small moments (like last night), to shed some tears, and to generously share your experience with others--like me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Fg its tuff very tuff,I can't understand what we done,to be put thru this torture and from the love of our life its like living in a nightmare to me,and I can't see me and w ever fixing things,she done to much damage to me I'm 57 now just too old for this crap,I long for the day when it will all be over,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
It may have been premature for me to suggest this is my last thread. In some ways I feel like the hardest part of the divorce is ahead of me, as my W and I still have to reach an agreement on the divorce terms. I'm hopeful but cautious that it can happen amicably.
And, emotionally, there is the actual final step of moving out, the feeling of which I'm sure I won't be able to anticipate. So I will be pouring out my thoughts here, probably.
Also, as I've mentioned, I don't think my MLC-W is able to fully anticipate her life ahead; she just has to plunge in and see how it feels. So I don't think the wheels will come off her ride until we're divorced, I'm moved out, and she's truly on her own. At that point, I'm sad to say, there will be some really hard times for her. That could drive her into anger or depression or both. That makes me sad. This is someone I still do care about.
In any case, I don't plan on actively DB-ing beyond my divorce. Just focus on moving on w/ my life. I do think I'll keep coming back to check on all of you friends, but I don't know how actively I'll be using my own thread.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Continue posting as you go through the D. Even when you no longer want to DB, you can get a lot of good advice from fellow DBers that will help you grieve your marriage.
My MC said, teach your children how to grieve by providing them with the tools that help you.
So your job is to use your tools as you go through this process.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
