I'm not exactly sure where to begin anymore. Just found out last night that my Mom has stage 4 cancer of the liver and pancreas. This is hitting me very hard and I'm struggling to be strong for my kids. All of a sudden, whatever has gone on with my ex is irrelevant now - but there are some very hard feelings toward her (ex) that are starting to creep in and I'm not so sure they aren't warranted, looking back on things.
Its like my mind is on a loop playing back my life and with Mom. The good and bad times both. It's like an endless movie reel that somehow loops itself. One of the most difficult things that I can't get past is that early on after BD I stood up for my ex and, in a way, sort of alienated Mom and Dad. I didn't want to see the ex for what she truly was. I guess I was in that LBS fog. Sigh. Now, that I find out Mom may not make it to Christmas, I'm struggling to find a way to make it right. I can't fix the past. I can't
I don't want this to end up like when my Grandfather passed. I was back in college when he was rushed to the emergency room. I visited him a couple of times and he was in very good spirits - wanting to come home like only a cantankerous old man could. This still haunts me to today. Anyway, that Friday night I had a date with a young lady after what seemed like forever trying...I was really excited about it. As I was getting ready, my Mom called from the hospital saying that my Grandfather wanted to see me. When I asked if everything was OK, she said yes but he just wants to see you. I told her that I would be there first thing in the morning. Only the morning was too late. As I was getting up, I got a call telling me to get there as fast as I could. I've never driven that fast in my life. When I got there, everyone was in the room and it was obvious that he didn't have long. He looked at me and I whispered to him "I love you, old buddy" (we always called each other that) and he died holding my hand. Damn that was hard to type. And that has haunted me ever since. I can still see it like it was right now.
I think that is what's driving part of my stuff now with Mom. I fear that it's happening - in a sense - all over again.
I'm scared. I've never been this scared in my life.
If this post doesn't belong on the board, then I apologize. But I needed it. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sorry about your mom Jeep. Both of my parents have had cancer scares and it's not a fun time for the family. Just be there as much as you can for her I know that support helps. Hang in there!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
I'm so sorry for the news about your mom. Dang, that is just more heartbreak.
When you say you defended your XW and alienated your parents, what do you mean?
I haven't told my parents anything because I don't want them to think poorly of my W.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Jeep, my friend, I'm so sorry. That pain is crushing. My own father died when I was a teenager and I never had the chance to say goodbye.
I know how much you are kicking yourself over the situation with your ex. Please stop doing that. I can tell you as a mother, she understands and doesn't fault you AT ALL. More than likely she wishes she had been able to do more for YOU. She would have done anything to spare you that pain. She understands so you need to let that go for you and for her. She's obviously not well. She needs to be able to focus on her and not worry about the guilt and hurt she'll see in your eyes every time you look at her. Give her that peace.
You were a young man with your grandfather. All young people think, it's never going to happen to me or there's always tomorrow. As an adult, you know this isn't true. You'll make better decisions this time.
Spend the time you have with your mom. Create good memories that will last a lifetime. Don't feel guilty or regret what happened in the past. You said yourself you can't fix it. So why focus on it. The only thing that will happen is you'll diminish the time you have left now. Make the best of it.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
Thank all of you for the kind words. I know my posts on here sometimes stir the pot, but that's what I love about this board is that all are such good people. All.
Gordie - to answer your question, my parents are old school. They saw the selfish ways of my ex and tried to talk to me about it. But, being stupid, I wouldn't listed. I told them that we are trying to work it out (at the time I truly believed she was, but I guess I was wrong) and that should accept it and her. I was wrong.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You are absolutely correct. It's more than crushing. She was supposed to watch my kids grow up. And be the only real Grandmother they have. Kids need true Grandparents.
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She needs to be able to focus on her and not worry about the guilt and hurt she'll see in your eyes every time you look at her. Give her that peace.
Thank you so much. Truly. I told her in the hospital that I was sorry I wasn't the best son. She just took my hand and it was OK.
Thank you for the words about my Grandfather. That has been with me for more than 20 years now. I swear I see him at times. Maybe its just something subconscious.
Thank you so much.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
If any of you want to talk, I'm on tacomaworld, too.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
