Wow! 6.5 years. I'm on month 4, and I've been very anxious recently about Hs complete lack of communication with anything but logistics. I want to shake him and say "What are your plans! Are you working on what's making you so unhappy!" But, I won't, of course. Not the DBing thing to do. I was reading up on long-term separation just last night. My biggest question about that is how does one truly live their life on their own terms when they do not divorce? I also would have a problem dating if I was still married. Regardless of what H does in that regard, I think it would be a breach of vows even if separated for long-term. I'm curious how you deal with this?
It's nice to here from someone that is making a long-term separation work, though. As I posted on my own thread, several people have asked me how long I plan to "let this go on". It's tiresome.
I am so glad you returned w/an update. Your life has taken off and you are now exploring the world! Good for you! So, tell me, where did you go on your vacation?
I think you are very wise to have new friends, friends who do not question your decisions about a divorce, etc. People do not understand what we go through and won't until they have walked a mile in our shoes.
I think your h is starting to grow up and is warming up again to you being in his life more frequently. He's not avoiding you at the condo any longer and yes, he sees a strong and independent woman who got on w/her life. You've left the door open...but you continued to move forward and he sees this each and every time he speaks to you or hears from his brother.
I was surprised that your h finally ventured forth and attended your family's New Year's Eve Party...but that's good. He should now realize that people do not hold grudges for what he did and they all can treat him in a kind way.
So, how is your son doing?
Bright, I'm so proud of you!
Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Grace21, I’ve read your recent posts and I think you are doing OK. I was in compete denial for the first 6 to 8 months. It is interesting that my H said the same thing as your H to our mutual friends shortly after the BD, that he cannot "give me what I deserve", which to my opinion is a reflection of his own issues.
Yes, my H has been hardly showing any progress. Like job said multiple times, he is a very slow MLCer.
I can’t say that I’m making this separation work. I’m not even sure what it is at this point. H refers to me as his Ex. I used to say “my estranged H”, but now I also mention him as an Ex. H is not religious, so the marriage to him is probably just a piece of paper. Never mind the vows and commitments. I’m sure he believes that because he announced to me that he doesn’t want to be married to me any longer is good enough. He thinks it is going to work for him and being legally married is not going to stop him from dating. I know that most of the decent women would not want to date a guy who is not D’d yet. I personally would not. Not sure if this subject even came up for him yet, like I said I don’t have any evidence of any OW.
As for me, I’m not on the dating market yet. This is one of the questions that I constantly get from my friends and acquaintances. It gets old… I don’t feel like I need to date. I’m perfectly fine where I am at the moment. Like it is repeated many times on this board, you are given a gift of time… And I did take the time to deal with my childhood issues (which did contribute to my marriage demise) and improve myself. I purged a lot of believes and habits that were holding me back. I “dropped” the wall around me that I built growing up. I feel like I am finally the person I meant to be. I don’t need a man to validate me, I feel pretty good about myself. Eventually, I think, I would like a companion to share my life with, but, I would also be ok on my own.
If I would get into a serious relationship with someone, I would for sure pursue a D with H. Until then, I still want H to initiate the process and be responsible for that.
I had these people too, who asked me how long I was going to let it go. Heck, it was also my family, my sister and her H. I also lost a longtime friend over this. She eventually came back, but it is not the same anymore. My family is no longer questioning me thought, they see that I’m doing quite well. They actually feel sorry for my H now, LOL.
Hang in there, Grace21. It will get better.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Job, thank you for replying! I know I can always count on you. You gave me a lot of great advice over these years. I know I was “difficult” and confrontational at time, but you still came back to comment on my posts. Happy New Year to you too!
Last summer I went to Croatia and Prague. We were on a yacht for the first week in Croatia and then travelled to other parts and ended up in Prague. What a beautiful city! And the other adventures were awesome! I loved Croatia, and I would go there again!
My son is doing well, thanks for asking! He is still with his GF of 12 years and I hope they get married one day… My son tuned 30 last year. From a rebellious teenager a number of years ago (who gave me a lot of grey hair…), he turned into a very smart, kind and caring man. I’m so proud of him! He tries to take care of me. I’m a very independent person, but I allow him to do little things for me. It feels great.
Yes, my new friends have no attachment to my affairs with H, they take it as it is. I also “trained” some of my old friends, LOL. I don’t bring H up and steer all conversations away when it gets too uncomfortable for me. They still don’t understand all the “business” we have with H… but they now accept it.
I was kind of surprised myself, when I heard that H was going to come to my family’s NY party. I think I didn’t believe it until he showed up with his brother, LOL. It was all good until I saw the pictures from the party… To my opinion, H looked sad… He tried to be cheerful and all, but I could tell there was something going on. Honestly… I feel sorry for him. I wish he would be happier. I’m surprised I cared so much for him to be happy.
And, you are right, he probably felt that people don’t have grudges for him. My family was so happy to see him. I’m sure I will hear some details and opinions from my sister and her H, since they talked to my H for the most of the night.
Thanks again for your reply!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks for the thoughful reply. It validates my feelings and the path I have chosen for now.
Originally Posted by BrightFuture
If I would get into a serious relationship with someone, I would for sure pursue a D with H. Until then, I still want H to initiate the process and be responsible for that.
I feel the same way. I didn't ask for this, I'm the one that has faith we could make a better M if the efforts where there, and I don't want a D. So, I would want my H to be the responsible one. Even if I was filed with papers today, I would tell H I don't want this, and I think he will regret it eventually, but if that's the only way he would be happy I will release him.
Your vacation sounds like it was fantastic. I'm so glad you are stepping outside your comfort zone and exploring the world. You have come a very long way and how you are handling your journey brings a smile to my face. You had a difficult time at first...but look at you now. You are enjoying life and offering very wise advice to posters.
I can't believe your son is 30! Time sure has been moving along very quickly. He's been w/the same girl for quite some time and one day, he'll decide to pop the question...but he's enjoying life as it is at the moment. You raised a great son and you can be proud of the decisions he has made.
Continue as you have been...you are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You seem to be doing very well. It's great that you have found friends that don't know your past or your H. It's so much easier to enjoy ourselves when there's no judging you or your situation.
We've been at this about the same length of time. It appears that your H is showing a few signs of waking up. If you remember, my H did the same thing. He went back and forth for what seemed like forever trying to finish his journey. Remember what job and the others have said. We can't rush them. They need to complete the journey on their own.
Congratulations on your son's graduation! It sounded like the party was GREAT! Your H behaved himself, reconnected with your family and had a good time.
Keep on doing what you're doing. GAL, making new friends and leaving your H to find his way.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hi Bright so nice to read an update from you! I'm glad you're doing so well. As for your h ... slow mlr-er indeed. Well, we all get wherever it is we're going eventually, even the MLCr ... Keep posting when you can !!! Happy New Year! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
OMG, NLT! What a surprise! So happy to hear from you! Thank you for stopping by my thread! I found your last post on your thread that was about 2 years ago. I re-read it and found some similarities with my story again. Except my H didn’t have a crazy OW, like Twinkle Twat, LOL. When I was reading your last thread I was thinking about how your H cycled back a forth between wanting a D (and actually filing for it), and still wanting to keep all the marital assets in joint ownership, and reaming in the area where he could see you. I’m assuming you and your H are still back together, and as you mentioned in FY’s post, it is still a hard work. I would love to hear more about you. How are your D1, S1, S2, and especially D2 are doing?
I’m definitely not rushing H in his journey. I’m not even sure I would want him back… Not now anyway. I think he is still in the process… plus, I no longer want to tolerate some of his antics. Ironically, one of his reasons to leave was that I was a “negative” person and he was sure it was not going to change. Well, guess what… I think he is a “negative” person now, and I’ve changed a great deal! So, I’m the one who doesn’t want this much “negativity” in my life now, LOL.
I’m still trying to compose a post of the observations I recently made about H’s behavior and stuff. I’ve been reading some of the old posts about MLC re-connection and acceptance. I re-discovered a lot of things for myself. I also look at this from a different prospective now, after all this time.
Last edited by BrightFuture; 01/16/1908:03 AM.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey, bttrfly! We almost posted at the same time! Thanks for stopping by. I’ve been reading your posts and your gratitude challenge. Happy New Year to you too! I always enjoy reading your posts, even though I don’t post much anymore. You’ve always been an inspiration to me. I can relate in so many ways… with your thoughts and feelings… I will try to post on your thread, it seems like you’ve been going through a lot lately.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
