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Thanks job, HaWho and peacetoday! Not a beep from H after the graduation weekend. I'm contemplating whether to wish him Happy Father's day tomorrow. I stopped doing it a few years ago, after I was not getting anything for Mother's Day. But, he texted me this year. So, should I return the favor?


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I would wish him a Happy Father's Day. You have nothing to lose by doing it.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you, job! I was thinking the same... No harm in wishing him Happy Father's Day.


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Hello my fellow DBers! It’s been a while since my last update. I’ve been following some of the threads, but just didn’t have much motivation to post on mine. And, I’ve been pretty busy with work and other things in my life.

There are not too much changes in my situation or life in general. Except for no college tuition payments anymore, LOL, since my son graduated. H and I are still in the same status quo. He doesn’t file and I don’t file. We still have the same business ties and some other joint accounts. He had to re-new his sentri pass and asked me if I still had any bills on his name, since they normally ask for the proof of residency. Lucky man, I still have two bills on his name, LOL. It looks like H still has nobody in his life. I don’t either.

I was at the vacation home a few times last summer and fall, one time with my sister and nephew. All the time I stayed at the joint condo, which H calls “his” smile. He seemed to not mind me staying there. Even made sure it is cleaned, and apologized for the holes in the dry wall from the water leaks. Well, when I stay at the joint condo and my own condo rents for the same time, I give H a small amount of the rent that I get, to compensate for the utilities that I use. It works for me, as I get some rental money. Not sure what is there for H. Could be that little money that he gets from me. I guess it must be worth it, to have my presence in “his” condo, LOL.

Not sure where H’s relationship with that crazy woman at the vacation home are. Haven’t seen her all summer (which was great) and haven’t heard much. My mutual friends told me that H was not invited to her Thanksgiving dinner this year, as she had a bunch of family. So H told everyone that he spent the Thanksgiving with my mutual friends, while he was at a bar by himself and then went home. Not sure, why this was such a big secrecy.

Just read my post from last year about the Christmas party that H and I were both invited at the vacation place. What a difference. This year we both were invited to two parties, both of which had very limited crowd. The first party was just the hosting couple, our mutual friends with their 5-year-old, H and myself. There were another adult and 2 more kids at the second party. To my surprise (kind of…), H had no hesitation coming to the parties. I think last year (when he had some concerns) proved that there is nothing to worry about, that I don’t bite, LOL, and I’m not trying to make his life miserable.

It was natural and surreal at the same time. We talked like “normal” people. I treated him like another person I know (stopping short here for calling him a friend), and I think he treated me the same. I didn’t notice any extra interest in me, or him watching me, or any regret, or anything like that. I tried to look at him closer when he was not watching, out of curiosity… I guess we are both great actors, hahaha. He did ask me about my parents and how they are doing… He brought up, once again, a concert we both went to in the first couple years of our marriage. He asked me if I remember what was the opening band for that concert. Funny, he mentioned the same concert either last year or year before when we both ended up at our mutual friends’ house. Is he trying to re-live these times? If he is, he is stuck waaaaayyyy behind. Anyway, I could not remember the opening band. Was it a test to see how much of our life back then I remember?

Before I left for the vacation home last week (to stay at my own condo this time, since he was going there as well), he texted me if he could ship a box to my house. I don’t know why he could not ship it to his brother’s house, my BIL, who lives in the same neighborhood. There is some tension going on between two of them, I guess. I replied that he could ship it, but I would not be home, since I had to leave for the vacation home before that. He asked me to give him a code to the garage, since he “didn’t remember” if he had a key to the house. I’m pretty sure he does have a key, as I didn’t change the locks. So, he came to collect his box without me. I wish I was a fly on the wall to see if he went through the house to check it out.

I asked him if he could pick up a ceiling fan I bought for my condo, when he picked up his box. I bought two ceiling fans, but could only fit one in my car, since I was bringing some goods for my friends at the vacation home. He said that he could. So, he brought the fan with him. I didn’t ask about the fan at the first party we were at. He asked me about it at the second party (he has it in his car) and if I had anybody to install it. I said that I would pick it up from him, but I have nobody to install it yet. So, he said that he could do it for me. Yay! It solved my problem with the ceiling fans. I would have to hire somebody to install the fans for me, but H volunteered. One caveat here, obviously he didn’t want to do it while I was at the condo, he said that he would coordinate with our mutual friend who has a key to my condo. But, I don’t care. It actually worked better for me too, as I just enjoyed my time there, and still having the ceiling fans installed.

In one of the conversations, he mentioned that he tells people that he lives in Mexico and all that stuff. Nobody doubted him that he considers his home (condo) to be in Mexico. Not sure why he needed to mention it, nobody was trying to convince him that he lived elsewhere, LOL. Even thought, he has to go back to work in January, in one of the coldest states. He hates cold, but he needs to make some money for leaving. It means, he could spend almost the entire next year working, away from the vacation home. So, where is the home, H? Well, it was your choice… At least you don’t have to deal with this nasty wife anymore… who you still don’t want to divorce…

Overall, I still think there are no changes in my sitch, generally. I just don’t analyze things in a deep level anymore, I make observations. I bet other people could notice more in our interactions, but I just don't care. I think this is just somewhat a new normal for me and H, as we have the same friends and these friendships tend to last and develop. I think it could all change if one or both of us get a partner. At this point, I think there is no chance for H to come around, he is just too stubborn, and I think I would not like some of his trends (behaviors) anymore anyway. I think he might feel better with our recent interactions, as the way I behave probably helps him to feel less gilt. Or, whatever… I would still like to hear some regret one day. But, I’m not counting on this. I’m very self-sufficient and independent (I just recently re-done the caulking in my bathroom, all by myself smile smile smile ), but I would love to have someone nice in my life to share the moments with, and it doesn’t look like it is going to be H.

Happy New Year everyone!


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Bright,

Happy New Year!

I'm glad you posted because I have been wondering how things were going w/you. Congratulations to your son on graduating from college! What did he major in and is he working in the area of his major?

I think you are handling your situation w/a lot of dignity and patience. Your interactions w/your h sound good and no stressors in the mix. Your h is still trying to convince others that he's living in Mexico, but I honestly don't think that's where he truly wants to be. If he was really comfortable w/that comment, he would be fixing up the condo and not leaving holes in the walls.

You sound great and I hope that the new year is a better one than 2017 for you and your son. Wishing you a very, very Happy New Year!

P.S. Sent you a message on FB.

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Hi Bright - good to hear from you and it sounds as though there are many positives in your life! Well done to your S on his achievement too grin

As for your H, it sounds as though he spent a bit of a sad time at Thanksgiving and his life is a little sad generally, so he feels he needs to lie a little about his circumstances, which is a shame.

In your situation, I still wonder a little about the extent of the ties you have and whether that works for you and really helps you move forward or even on. It's always your choice of course, but maybe something to think about as time goes on if there isn't really any change.

That said, you genuinely sound good in so many ways and are clearly enjoying many aspects of your 'unasked for' new life - so kudos to you.

Have a very happy new year and my best wishes for 2018. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Happy New Year Bright! Nice to "hear" from you! xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
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A box full of darkness.
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Thank you job, Sotto, and bttrfly for stopping by and Happy New Year wishes! Happy New Year to all of you too!

Job, got your message! I keep up with the news there, from people who don’t post here much anymore. I think H is still firmly believing that he lives in Mexico. At least he wants to believe it. He is doing the repairs to the condo, it is just he’s not being there much, as he has to work. These water leaks are an ongoing issue for some of the condos, and our joint condo (H’s condo, as he wants to call it, LOL) is one of them. He is actually trying to make it his home. Not sure he is 100% convinced anymore, but it sounds like he is trying… As a lot of other people who settled down there, in Mexico… they are trying to convince themselves and other people that this is the best place to be… I agree, that it is a wonderful place to have a vacation home! But… I’m a bit skeptical about making it a permanent residence with no ties back to the US. But… it is just me…

So… I’m posting this just for the record… In case it helps someone… or it will make a history in my sitch, LOL, which I doubt…

Back to my previous post… when I was at the vacation home… I admit I had an expectation about H coming to hook up the ceiling fans when I was there. Still some controlling issue for me, ha. I just really wanted to get this done. When I called H, I think on my last day at the vacation home, and he was busy and not really interested in the conversation, I panicked a bit. I needed to make sure that the fans were getting installed. Then I told myself to relax. It was not that important after all. He called me on the 31st … on the New Year’s eve. He was at my condo with our mutual friend, installing the ceiling fans! He asked me which side of the blades I want to face down.

Then, on the New Year’s eve we were having a traditional celebration at my sister’s and I wanted to text H early in the evening to wish him a Happy New Year. I told myself to wait and be patient to see if he would text me first… It paid off! He texted me that he installed the ceiling fans and wishing me a Happy New Year. I replied back with my wishes and thanking him for the fans. I actually told him he was “the best”, LOL… I had a few drinks by then… We exchanged a few more texts… it seems like he was happy to chat… I also sent him the pictures of my sister’s family that I took that night. Not a big deal for me with all that conversation… The observation is though that he was not in any “exiting” company for the New Year’s, he was with our mutual friends’, and he made sure he let me know about it.

Again, not something I’m considering a movement, LOL. He contacted me recently about our company bank account, which is just business. He also asked me (again ), if I had some coupons or good rates for car rentals. I used to get very good deals on these and always booked the rentals for him.

Sotto, thank you for your thoughts and concerns.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
As for your H, it sounds as though he spent a bit of a sad time at Thanksgiving and his life is a little sad generally, so he feels he needs to lie a little about his circumstances, which is a shame.

I don’t know… if he is unhappy, he doesn’t show it, even to my mutual friends. Even though they decided to tell me this story for whatever reason… I was not even asking…
Originally Posted By: Sotto
In your situation, I still wonder a little about the extent of the ties you have and whether that works for you and really helps you move forward or even on. It's always your choice of course, but maybe something to think about as time goes on if there isn't really any change.

Yes, I keep thinking about this all the time… This is my biggest challenge… and it drives me crazy sometimes… I keep thinking that I should shut that door tight and forever. But… something is holding me back… I think that I’m just weak…

Speaking of which… We’ve been having a regular text exchanges with H about one thing or another. My mutual friends also keep giving me the updates on him… for example, about that he had to go back to work to a different remote state… and then his truck broke down and needed a major repair (transmission…), and that he posted on his FB that it must be Karma... My mutual friends were actually bit taken aback a bit by this last statement about Karma. And then I felt all kinds of different emotions about that. First, I felt like there was some payback (talking about Karma) and I felt a bit vindicated, then I felt remorse for feeling that… and then I felt sorry for H…

The fact that H has been super nice in all our exchanges doesn’t help at all. He almost always makes sure to address me by name (in comparison to his dry texts and e-mails a couple of years ago.) It was his B-day today. I mailed him the card a week ago, and I tried to call him today. He was on the road and the cell service was bad. So, when I got through to him, he could not hear me well, and then the call dropped. I called a couple of hours later and left a voice mail. He texted me later thanking me for the message and for the card.

There are some observations, that make me think that H is probably “processing” some things… but it doesn’t lead anywhere. He will probably be a better H and partner for someone else in the future if he gets to the bottom of his problems. But, as he said in the past, “there is no going back”. And… he keeps reiterating that he lives in Mexico (FB comments)…

Some examples of his comments. At one of the Christmas parties he mentioned his friend, who comes to live at the vacation home place during the winter (one of the snow birds.) He and his wife bought a house there, but a year after that his wife died of cancer. He was devastated. A year after that he met a very nice woman, who he brought with him to the vacation home every year since. Everyone liked her and everything seemed to be good. But H said, that after a few years, his friend told him that even though this woman was very nice, it was not the same as with his late wife. H said it with the said face… I thought it was interesting, as he was so sure at the time of BD that he and I could always find somebody else and be happier.

I also get to see some of his comments on FB, to one of our common friends, which we have a few on FB. Recently someone posted a story about a retired couple who were “forced” to divorce and leave 20 miles apart, so they could maintain their eligibility for Medicare. The story was about how devastating it is for these people to be apart. H’s comment was “It is very sad”… So, H, what about people who are forced to be apart because someone decided they needed a different life…? I don’t think it even registers in his head though… Or, does it..?

So, this is where I am. Sorry about the long post again. It was brewing for a few weeks, LOL. I just really need to figure out how to get out this slow motion sitch. I think I might be making a record on this board for the slowest and longest limbo…


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Bright,

I am so glad you posted an update. I am really happy to read that your h installed the ceiling fans for you. Sometimes we have to step back and allow them the opportunity to get it done on their time clock and not ours. Trying to push them to get things done when we want them done doesn't always work and it builds up resentment. I'm sure your h was happy to do the work for you. It meant more to him when he could do it when he was ready and you thanked him for doing so.

The ceiling fan installation was a lesson in patience and expectations and you saw that when you let your expectations go, he came through for you w/o any prodding. This is a good lesson for all of us, i.e., dig deeper for patience and let your expectations go. I'm really proud of you for not bugging him about doing this for you.

Your h is still processing things in his life. He's seeing and hearing of couples who are experiencing separation, divorce and death of a life's partner. He's taking all of this info in and mulling it over. What he does w/the info, well...that will be up to him.

As for living in Mexico, it's a nice place to visit, but I'm always glad to return home. In your h's mind, he thinks he lives there, but the condo is just a stop over when he's not working. I think he would get bored fairly quickly if he lived there full time. While he's working, he's able to move around and the scenery changes all of the time, whereas living in one place for a very long time would get old for him. They need constant change during the crisis.

I hope that the new year will bring much joy and happiness your way. Please don't be a stranger...come back and post whenever you have time.


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Hello, my fellow DBers! Not sure if I can call myself that anymore, LOL. Happy New Year to everyone who still remembers me and to all new folks who joined the MLC forum since last year. It’s been almost a year since I posted. I’ve been reading the updates regularly thought. And there are so many new posters in MLC forum. I’m sorry you are here. But… you are in the right place. There is so much wisdom and great advice you can get here. Thanks to all of the “old” timers, moderators and people who read and comment on the posts. I want to say a special thank you to you, job! You’ve been a source of an invaluable wisdom, advice and support here. You helped me a lot during my journey and I will always remember that.

It’s been 6 ½ years post DB. And I can say I’ve been doing great! I have a great family and friends. I distanced myself from the friends who kept asking why I was not moving on with my life, meaning why I was not pursuing an official D, etc. In my opinion, I’ve been moving in my life quite nicely.

I went on 3-week vacation to Europe with my two single ladies. I was great! I had no sadness or regrets that H was not there. I actually liked it and enjoyed the whole trip. My travel companions (who are now my GFs) were great! No drama and very easy going. We are planning another trip for this year.

Yes... H is still in my life somewhat and popping up here and there… But, it doesn’t change what I do with my life. H and I are still not officially D’d… We still maintain a joint business, a few joint accounts. Including credit cards, an auto insurance, etc. I gave H an option to opt out of an auto in insurance one more time… My home insurance was not renewed this year, due to the high fire hazard in my area. So, I had to look for another option, which would include changing a car insurance to get a multi-policy discount. So… to make a long story short, H choose to stay with whatever auto insurance I chosen and not getting his own, LOL.

There were a few times when I interacted with H at the vacation home place. I just can’t remember all the details, as I’m not keeping track of these anymore. H has a rough start of the year, when he had to work during the winter in a cold state. But, he seemed to find another good source of work recently, working in the southern state and actually making some decent money. He seems more confident and more like his old self. He is very much up to date on the joint company business and keeping all the records strait! It looks like he is still wants to maintain a status quo though, even giving me the passwords and answer questions to some of the join accounts logins, that could be easily claimed as his own, LOL. I’m just curios how long it will continue …

He still allows me to stay in our joint condo at the vacation home (which he claims as his home…), and seems to enjoy the fact that I stay there, LOL. I stayed there a couple of times over the summer. I treat it as a rental for me though.

Almost every time when we were in the same company (at our mutual friend’s house), I’ve heard H talking to other people who don’t really know him or me about some events in the past, and almost every time these events involved me and he mentioned me in the stories and even asked me a couple of times to confirm the details. I find it interesting.

I was at the vacation home place before and during the Christmas. It was the first time I was able to spend more than a week at that place! A combination of time off, the holidays and working remotely, which my job allows me to do! So, I saw H three times. One time he came to my condo to exchange the company file. I can tell he was comfortable doing this… We chatted some… Then we both were at our mutual friend’s house, before Christmas and for the Christmas dinner. Again, H seemed comfortable to be in the same company with me, I think he feels I would never put him in a bad spot, LOL. I treat him as a distant friend, or acquaintance.

And then unimaginable, hahaha! He came to my family’s New Year’s party. That’s right! Well, there was a kind of an excuse this year. He and his brother (my BIL) go to Holiday Bowl every year, and this year it was on the 31st. My BIL has been attending all my family events for a few years, and he wanted to be at the NY’s party as well. So, they came after the game. All I can say, it went well. All my family were happy to see H. I think he looked a bit sad (well, there was a lot of alcohol involved, so he might had been just tired), but I can tell he was happy to be there. He was talking mostly to my sister and her H, I was on the other side of the table. So, I’m sure I will hear some details later, LOL.

It is getting to be a long post now. I will continue in the next one. I’ve observed some things lately.


M:50
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M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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