It's taken quite some time before I was fully able to take a serious look below the surface and see things as they are. On the exterior and what's presented to the world, there are no problems. It's what lies beneath that still needs work.
I've learned that no matter the effort I put into my marriage, the results were never going to be what I had wanted. I have told so many others on here about being careful when hoping, as I've gone down that very road - I hoped, got my hopes up, whatever...only to have it fall in my face. And each time, I got back up and hoped again. Only to have the same result. Frustrating and infuriating come to mind, but then again - there was no easy switch and certainly no words that could magically help. It was something that I had to figure out on my own. And yes, the advice on here has been absolutely fantastic. But at the end of the day, I'm the only one that could travel my road. That was a most bitter pill.
I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. I do feel like I've exited the woods. Maybe not in the best of fashion, and certainly not where I wanted, but I exited nonetheless. Am I stronger? I believe so. I fact, I know so. I'm able to stand on my own two feet without wobbly knees...which is something I never thought I'd have been able to do. I own my mistakes. Nobody made them but me. And I have to live with them. Lessons learned are the most valuable of all.
My future is uncertain, although none of ours is. I never thought my wife - and best friend - would betray me so deeply and do the things she did. But, I realized that she was on her own path...one that she started a while ago and doesn't include me.
I also learned that not all of it was her fault - it never is really just one person's fault. Well, unless that person is a total sh*t head. I'm aware of my failings. I no longer beat myself up over them - THAT took me a long time to understand. I have a handle on those failings and feel that I have them cornered and locked away, so if/when someone else comes into the picture then I'm ahead of the game on my part.
Of course there are areas where I'm still struggling, and the struggle is real. I'm still struggling with trust. After all, the ex left out some huge and important things that should have been revealed. And that, I do believe, is the source of my trusting issues - just how am I supposed to trust someone again, when I've experienced what I did with my ex?. I mean, the ex totally had me snowed - she hid her past/abuse/etc so well that I never would have guessed. And that's huge. Had she been upfront, things would have been much different. I'm not saying she's a bad person, because she isn't by any means. She's a product of a most f***ed up childhood. I just never knew. How are we, when we don't know someone's hiding stuff? How are we to know if we haven't known that person for years? It puts new people we meet at a disadvantage off the bat.
Most importantly, I no longer need nor seek her. Or her approval. Yet, there are still moments when that ghost materializes and I suspect there always will be for the rest of my life. But, those materializations are few and far between.
This is my life. I own it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Glad to hear you no longer need or seek her. You are back in control of your life. We all make mistakes. It's how we handle going forward that matters. Not the past. Keep doing what you are doing!
Thank you so much for posting and sharing and being honest. I have learned so much from your threads, your struggles, your heartache. You are able to articulate many things I am feeling, but can't put words to like this:
***My future is uncertain, although none of ours is. I never thought my wife - and best friend - would betray me so deeply and do the things she did. But, I realized that she was on her own path...one that she started a while ago and doesn't include me. I also learned that not all of it was her fault - it never is really just one person's fault. Well, unless that person is a total sh*t head. I'm aware of my failings.***
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I don't know so much that she HID her past. Most victims of severe abuse, either block it out, try to leave it in the past as to not taint their future (at which time they are thinking they are doing the right thing)or simply cannot face it or deal with it, even thought they know it is there. or they feel awful shame.
Glad to hear you no longer need or seek her. You are back in control of your life. We all make mistakes. It's how we handle going forward that matters. Not the past. Keep doing what you are doing!
That took me a very, very long time to accomplish. There is an eternal sadness that goes along with it, also. A sadness where I realized that she was no longer and most likely never will be a significant part of my life ever again.
But I'm there. I made it. I'm in control and it is one of the best feelings there is. Of course, there are still moments where I may relapse, and I guess there always will be. I guess that's part of human nature. I no longer what-if anymore. I realize that my kids need this part of me and I'll give them the absolute best I can. Because they need that. I'm more scared than ever, but at least I can face it myself.
Thank you again for your support!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Without help like yours I wouldn't be where I am. I don't know about my articulation, though. Haha. I'm a writer by trade so I guess maybe that's where it comes from.
All of you inspire me. I know my advice is off the wall at times, to say the least. Thank you for the kind words.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I don't know so much that she HID her past. Most victims of severe abuse, either block it out, try to leave it in the past as to not taint their future (at which time they are thinking they are doing the right thing)or simply cannot face it or deal with it, even thought they know it is there. or they feel awful shame.
I don't believe this was deception.
This is severe, very sad damage.
You know, I think you may be right. Maybe she didn't hide it to be deceptive. Maybe it wasn't being able to face or deal with it, or maybe it was shame. Whatever it was, it was something that should be shared - especially in something as important and big as marriage. One of my fears is that her cracks may become so big as to affect the children. That's what scares me.
The damage is much greater than you know. I found out that she attempted suicide twice. And texted me about it no less than five times after BD...all of which my lawyer has. She has issues upon issues. I touched on the surface of the abuse she went through in my threads...I never will tell all. Never. It breaks my heart, even now.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It SHOULD be shared, yes. But in her head, I think sharing she believed sharing would have done more damage than good.
The realities of the damage of whatever she suffered is probably unbearable to her, which is why she tried to kill herself twice.
When someone has a life like that, they hope to start over and leave the past WAY behind them. Sadly, they aren't even aware of the damage that will cause themselves and anyone else they love.
I pray your ex finds it in her to begin on a path of healing for herself and for the children.
It SHOULD be shared, yes. But in her head, I think sharing she believed sharing would have done more damage than good.
I feel this, too. I believe that if she did share it would have made me run the other way. I don't think it would have. I will be honest and say, she is an awesome person and has a good heart and will bend over backwards. However, her demons are too strong.
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When someone has a life like that, they hope to start over and leave the past WAY behind them. Sadly, they aren't even aware of the damage that will cause themselves and anyone else they love.
I agree. And I think that's one of the reasons she married me. My IC (who was also our MC) put it like this: She had nothing but bad guys (abusers, etc) and I come along and am one of the good guys. However, it was great at first but as time passed, she didn't know what to do with it and "missed" the drama. And her demons took hold. And, she associated my misgivings with abuse on some insane level.
I pray for healing also, but I don't think it will happen. She has on more than one occasion in MC stated that counselors have stopped seeing her because they can't go any further. The gap is too wide, I'm afraid.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Instead it should be: "believe that if she felt..."
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
