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It might affect the kids
but I think having one parent totally there may be enough to break the chain
one parent who is stable, devoted and in reality is helpful
this way the kids are not confused
they can believe what they see
mom is in a crises
dad is stable and available
just my take


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hi SBJ..
Just catching up on all of this. It really is so interesting to me how important it is to your W (and my H, by the way) to be able to "legally" date. I think maybe they are so caught up in their own distress that they feel the only thing that will make them feel better is someone else, someone who ideally does not know their history or who they were in the past, so they can just create a new persona and never deal with their issues.

It's so strange to me, because even though there are times that I waver and think about just letting the D happen, it's never because I want to see other people. In fact, I'm pretty sure I would not be interested in dating anyone for at least a year after a D because it takes time to grieve the loss of a relationship before you jump into a new one.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are not alone, clearly. I think it's so much harder in this limbo period, where you're still married but separated and NOT divorced, because you can't really move on and you don't have the comfort, love, and security you had before BD. You must picture life as a divorced person, even if that's not how it ends up, just to get some sense of control in your life.


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
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Cali...some of her awesome comments on D.
1. Our parents are divorced and we turned out ok, right? She has 2 siblings (1 is a drug addict of 20 years and the other suffers from anxiety). Not to mention the fact that we are going thru this.
2. Our parents all divorced and they aren't going to hell are they? Kind of depends on your religious views. M is for life. God says he hates D. I guess if you do D and then later repent and feel sorry for what you actually did then the forgiveness is there, but to D just to take care of your selfish needs and then to simply say that you are sorry isn't truly repenting.
3. My kids have seen how a spouse truly loves his W so I know that they have seen the way to do it, but she is showing them a quick exit if you have a rough time...that is what worries me.

Peace...She is totally stable with our kids, but I guess I don't know how she is when they are alone. She is only batchitcrazy with me and now with her sister that disagrees with her. She is truly in a crisis alright...me and our M are collateral damage to her crisis.

CC...she has a need to always look good in everyone else's eyes. I have heard her say different things to justify what she is doing. She has also gotten involved with a new group from a different church in another city close by...none of which know me or my side of the story. They just know her as this wonderful, funny, beautiful woman...who has a bad M and no telling what else she has said.

I already know what D will look like because I am living it right now. Co-parenting with her and making sure my kids will get thru this. Again, we are collateral damage to her selfishness.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Yeah ... mine went with the "We aren't the only ones" argument. Which my calm reply, "You are right I am certain everyone will be so much better off this way" half meaning it and mixed in a bit of sarcasm ... something I have tried to stop personally as I realized its my passive aggressive attacks when I am not being clear in what I want.(Another growth topic for another time)

Truth is ... its out of our hands to a point, you can not trick/force them into a M they are hell bent on 'escaping' from, all one can hope to do is become a better person from all this regardless of the outcome. Keep your focus there, on THAT prize through all this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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For you football fans...Great game last night!!!

Went to church with my boys and the W yesterday. Sat next to her for the first 3/4 of the service. At some point I could feel her staring at my hand...my ring is still on. At another point they prayed for intentions...one was for all marriages, especially those going thru trials at the moment, that they may be healed. I don't know if she felt anything, but I felt a chill down my spine.

Spent the later afternoon with all of my kids cooking and prepping for a SB Party. Great night and a great game...at least the second half.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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No so much for all us Atlanta fans. laugh

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Sorry for your loss...I'm a lowly C'boys fan, so I have been disappointed for 20+ years. I feel your pain, but seeing my son and his buddies hoot and holler for the win was quite rewarding. I'm just glad that they allowed me to be there with them to celebrate. Great kids with great futures.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Posts: 2,045
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Originally Posted By: SBJ
D is just a piece of paper and since she is already out of the house nothing else will change for me.


So you feel like you are speeding off of a cliff, but in reality, you could be officially divorced right this second and nothing would change. Just try to remember that in the times when you feel lost or hopeless or defeated.

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Kaizen...things in life change daily. I feel that my W is worth standing for. My faith tells me that I made a covenant with her and with God and I take this seriously. I cannot change what she feels, but I do believe that she is lost at the moment. She claims to be a devout Christian, but seems that she picks and chooses what she wants to believe in. I guess, as humans, we all do that at times, but I really thought she was like me in our views of the longevity and commitment of marriage.

I'm coming to grips with the fact that she wants to finalize the D and she also wants to date other people. I'm not sure if she is in another relationship right now, but it wouldn't surprise me due to everything I've read on these boards. I'm trying to "Let go and let God" take things from here. I am focusing on me and on my kids, while still loving her unconditionally.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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SBJ,

It's curious that your W and my W are pushing for D yet still going to church as a family. Do you think this will continue after D?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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