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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I have read Jellyb amazing posts to you and your responses.

My concern is you, not D9 or H, but you.

In this dynamic you are the most important 'factor of production' and without extreme self care the system breaks. It does so because you do.

I understand that you are concerned for both D and H, but in reality your welfare must come first. This is likely to deteriorate as H health declines. He is not yet dependent or unable to take care of himself. He is the dad he is and that is separate from his role as H. It truly is separate. Absolutely his sandbox.

Children come first that is as it is, in order to do that to a large extent you have to take extreme care of you.

Frankly I would like to see your goals and plans for you.

Remember holding in this position is good enough, often just treading water is enough. Your health iservices declining, you are exhausted and weary, you are anxious (using your own words). I get it, truly I get it, if you read my threads you can see I am narrowly avoiding fin disaster and I work 80 plus hours a week in peak times. Different sitch although the dynamic is similar.

So

How do you eat?

What is your sleep like?

Do you exercise even a little?

Have you had a full PHYSICAL? Do you know your numbers?

Do you GAL?

Have treats such as massages, naILs, hairdressers......

Do you need supplements or hormone support?

Do you dress to the shoes?

Have you a confidant, that loves and supports you?

An IC?

Some me time?

Truly value self care, you are worth it and a role model for D.


I recollect the amazing RD always advising me on self care, to put my money where my mouth is and now I do. Recovery from depletion is slow and steady and easily set back. There are challenges to come like an athlete you can build your resilience to meet it.


You are stronger than you know.

V




Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
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Hi Vanilla! I appreciate the visit and your expertise, too!

Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I understand that you are concerned for both D and H, but in reality your welfare must come first. This is likely to deteriorate as H health declines. He is not yet dependent or unable to take care of himself. He is the dad he is and that is separate from his role as H. It truly is separate. Absolutely his sandbox.


I agree. He is the dad he is and D9 loves him. I will not get in the way of that at all. They love each other and they each deserve as much time with one another as humanly possible given his health, etc. He, however, is not incapable of getting D9 to her required things and I feel it is not too much to expect that he get her to them consistently. That is part of being a dad.

To answer your questions:

How do you eat?

Not well. I am not motivated in this area at all. When I'm especially anxious and having to deal with stbx a lot, I don't eat for days at a time. I know it's bad but things taste like cardboard or make me sick to my stomach during periods of high anxiety. When I'm less anxious, I eat intermittently and only what sounds good which, as we all know, isn't what's best for our bodies.

I do feel, however, that once this freaking divorce is over, I can resume some semblance of a reasonable diet.

What is your sleep like?

This is hard to answer. When I am anxious I am often up at odd hours of the night for weeks. It is rare that I sleep through the night but that's not entirely because of my current situation. D9 has never been a good sleeper so sometimes we are up together. I find that if I leave her to her own devices, she will wake up at 2 am, read until 6 am and then struggle all day. It could take me a week to 10 days to get her back on a reasonable schedule. If I'm up with her, I'll talk to her for a bit, limit the reading and she's asleep soon thereafter. 9+ years of this has conditioned me to sometimes wake up at 2 am for months at a time just because.

Do you exercise even a little?

This is where I could make a change. I canceled my yoga membership because the classes I liked were not at convenient times and I wasn't going. Then I bought a subscription to do yoga at home with online classes and that's just not nearly as dynamic or fun so I don't do it. I was running for a while but not much and I find I am in my head too much and continue to analyze my situation. I've tried all the tricks and music and apps and training strategies. I live where it's HOT a lot of the time so that makes it harder, too. I've thought about joining a gym to run on the treadmill but I don't know.

This is an area I need to explore. I'm scared to spend money, too. Mostly because it's on me and I feel like I need to squirrel away money to pay for that pesky attorney I keep needing.

Have you had a full PHYSICAL? Do you know your numbers?

Yes and yes. I am strong and healthy.

Do you GAL?

Not as much as I could but I do, yes. I'd love more girls nights but I just joined a political activist group that I hope to become more involved in, I host a mom's ADHD support group in my home a couple times a month. I coach swimming for the local kids swim club and that helps me get out of my head for a couple hours a couple times a week. How does this sound to you? Am I doing it?

Have treats such as massages, naILs, hairdressers......

Yes! I started getting my nails done every two weeks and while I cringe when I pay for it, I do think it's important to splurge on myself some. I get my hair done about 4 times a year which right now is fine. There's a local massage school that provides massages at a discounted rate if you're ok with the non-spa atmosphere and I indulge about twice a year. I do try in this area.

Do you need supplements or hormone support?

Supplements have largely been proven ineffective but I could take Vit D and Omega-3s. These could help me a lot. I'm not at a place yet where hormone support would help me.

Do you dress to the shoes?

Yes. Daily. I've lost my drive to be fashionable like I was even a year ago. I'll admit, I'm a pony tail girl with yesterday's deodorant on while driving D9 to school. Then run around getting things done until I have to go pick her up again. How can I improve in this area?

Have you a confidant, that loves and supports you?

Yes, I have about 6. Mostly my boyfriend, who is incredibly supportive and apparently not yet tired of hearing about all of this stuff. LOL In addition to him I have a number of friends who are there on a moment's notice. They are all over the country though so a texting relationship makes explaining things difficult but it's what I have.

An IC?

About a month ago I started seeing an IC again.

Some me time?

Since I drive 2-3 hours per day getting D9 to and from school each day I have plenty of time to just sit, listen to music, podcasts, silence, etc.

So, am I doing ok?


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
Joined: Oct 2014
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So the physical side is tiring you.

Poor eating, sleep patterns and exercise struggles are not going to cut it in the extreme self care arena.

Time to up the game. What do you want to achieve?


So goals.


Eating

Sleeping

Exercise


Where do you want to be in 1, 5 and 10 years?


What are your pathways to it?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Goals. Man. Goals are hard when I feel like I can't see to the end of my nose but they sure can't hurt so, here goes.

Where do I want to be in 1, 5 and 10 years with regard to my eating, sleeping and exercise or just in general?


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
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Hey, lady,

It doesn't even matter whether it's those specific things or if it's more general goals. You make the ones that give you something to focus on while you're navigating this swampy place so you feel like you're moving forward. Sleep and exercise are tools to help you keep your equilibrium during this time.

I love that V made that recommendation -- I feel like I know so much about your ex and your daughter, but not so much about you lately. Where is Courage in her life? The one year goal is a vision of a small tweak that is within your control. Whether it's a fitness goal, or that you want to have read x number of books, whatever, something you can work towards without any other person's cooperation. Something that is JUST YOU. When you feel more like yourself you will have more strength.

HUGS to you, my friend.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Hi Maybell!!!

Well, after reading what you wrote I almost burst into tears. Not because you said anything bad or hurtful but I think it hit me that MY life hasn't been about me at all lately. That is quite a realization. I feel rather direction-less. Well, very direction-less. I've lost sight of myself, for sure.

I don't have a job and while I'm fine financially I don't have that to provide me any sort of goal(s) or direction. I don't pursue my hobbies, I think out of pure fear of failure. I daydream about going back to school but I can't decide whether that's what I want, whether I actually CAN do that, what I would study, where I'd go, how I'd do it... I can't seem to think it out. I've wanted to write a book forever, but I can't even figure out where to start so I don't.

I had been contemplating joining a gym for a couple months now and today I read what Maybell wrote and got up and went down to the closest gym for their free 7-day trial. I ran a couple miles and tinkered with a kettle bell and we'll see where that takes me. I just don't seem to have much stick-to-itiveness and I am not sure why.

To be fair, since D9 was born, I've never been able to be too encumbered because she was getting in trouble every single day (not an exaggeration) since she entered preschool at 2.5 years old. I'd have to drive down to school to pick her up or to soothe a tantrum or whatever. Now that she's in her current school and seems to progressively getting control of her behavior (knock on wood!!!), I'm realizing I can let go a little and maybe, just maybe be less "available just in case". D9 has only been in this school since October and I only started exhaling in December. I'll admit, I'm afraid of being "tied up" and then things go awry. I guess there's the risk of that all the time but...

I don't know what to do that's more like myself. I don't know where to begin or what any of this means, even. I guess I'm most lost than I thought and that's disheartening.

In other news, stbx was supposed to take D9 to her psych apt that has been on our shared calendar for over a month, an alert is set, etc. He "forgot". This is his MO. The freaking calendar is available 24/7 and has a freaking alert that dings before the event with plenty of time to say, "oh look, we have an appointment!". But no.

Why do I bother maintaining that calendar and setting an alert? It was a change for me to NOT remind him of the appointment but apparently I should have. GRRRR!


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
Joined: Jan 2017
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Ok, we have a date for what my attorney is calling a "4-way conference" which I think is supposed to be very clear statement that it will be VERY expensive since both attys will be present.

STBX wants to talk custody then but I don't. I don't think it's the right forum. Why pay over $900 (combined attorneys fees) per hour to discuss something we will NOT come to an agreement about. I think it's better to go to custody mediation at $150/hour where we can talk more leisurely, feel heard by an independent third party, discuss a detailed parenting plan and many of our unique and extenuating circumstances (hello, brain cancer, thyroid cancer and his on-again-off-again travel/career schedule). Does't that sound more reasonable?

This meeting will be to work out the financial stuff. It hurts that STBX thinks I'm only chasing "his" money but just because he says it doesn't make it true.

Meanwhile our 2014 taxes were just completed. I was all ready to write checks and coordinate him reimbursing me his half, etc when he said he wanted to look them over (dude, they are from 2014, you can't remember a psych apt for D9, how could you possibly remember a minor expense from 2014?). I asked for when he might be able to return them. He said "likely Friday". It's the Tuesday after that Friday and he said he has "a question or two out to the CPA" about them. I asked for another ETA and he said "maybe Thursday" but I could put $100 down on that not happening.

How can I take myself out of the role of mommy when it's something as crucial as PAST TAXES?


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
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Quote:
I think it's better to go to custody mediation at $150/hour where we can talk more leisurely, feel heard by an independent third party, discuss a detailed parenting plan and many of our unique and extenuating circumstances (hello, brain cancer, thyroid cancer and his on-again-off-again travel/career schedule). Does't that sound more reasonable?


Perfectly reasonable.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2731624 02/23/17 07:46 PM
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Had our 4-way meeting today. My head is spinning. 5 hours and I have no idea how I feel.

Part of me wants all of this to be over and I feel like today was a big step in that direction but did I get side swiped? I can't even tell you if I did or not. I did feel like it was 5 hours of battling. I proposed to final compromise but I compromised A LOT. He did agree to custody mediation and that's big, I think, but everything else was me compromising. No one really wins in divorce but I feel like I lost somehow. Like he's at home popping champagne and I'm sitting here stunned and a bit lost.

I knew I might come home crying and I did but I also came home ANGRY and I'm not even sure why.

I called my friend who had to get off the phone soon after I started to get into it all, said she'd call me back in a few minutes but never did. I'm feeling very alone in this. Very alone. It feels symbolic and therefore painful.

Guys, is there going to be anything left of me when this is actually all over? I got about 1.5 hours of sleep last night, can't eat and can't think clearly. I'm feeling like this is the kind of day someone should come over and make me soup and put what I like on TV and put a blanket on me and just take care of me. Just for one day. But that's not going to happen. I feel very alone, more lost than ever and very much in despair. I feel like I could weep for a week but I don't have the energy and I think I'm out of tears.

Will this weight on my chest ever dissipate? I feel like I've faced enough pain and heartache for 3 people. Now I sound like a victim. Where am I in all of this? Where do I go from here? I don't want to pull myself up by my boot straps again because I just end up on the floor. Can I just stay down here and live life here? It feels like an exercise in futility to work hard to pull myself up only to wind up on the floor again. I feels like gravity is too heavy, so I think I'll just stay down for a bit. The energy to remain standing is far too taxing.


Previously known as ss06
Kid: D9
M: 12 yrs together 18
D final: pending

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb."
- Najwa Zebian
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Courage

Honey, this is just really so awful, truly it stinks. It's like a long walk to Antartica without snow gear.

This is high conflict divorce at its worst. You have a family involved, its a lonely place you find yourself and an expensive one.

You feel like a victim but I would suggest you are in trauma. A target and hurting from that. Really you are.

On the basis that the pen is mightier than the sword get it all out, the hurt and pain. The inadequacy and futility.

Write until your fingers drop off.

Keep going until you are spent. Read on high conflict and court matters.

You are going to be brave, how do I know this? Because wonderful lady you are you, stronger than you know.

Here take my hand and rainbow strength, and for a while rest.

Know this, the arrogant Wassocks we call entitled waywards strangle themselves. Displaying their prowess and crowing they go far too far. Stay calm and observe. Become reporter style, what would a top journalist from Time say about the ex. Keep your notated diary simple clear factual and without emotion. It's ok to be down truly as a target for high conflict it is.

Breathe at ease and be still cradled in the short peace between the conflicts. Let yourself just be and recover.

Extreme, extreme self care is needed. I know this is tough to do, especially as lack of sleep will create many problems.

Know you are supported, you know how to find me.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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