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Who do you want to be? How would you change your life to be the person that you want to be? What can you do to change those things about yourself that you aren't particularly happy with? Your h is on his own separate journey at the moment and so are you. This is your time to figure out what you need to do to improve those areas that you aren't happy with. Are their hobbies, activities, etc., that you've put aside for years because of your h and family? Maybe it's time to think about the person you were before you met your h. Did you lose her along the way?

Be yourself, don't pretend that you are needy. If you need help w/something, ask him. If he turns you down, have Plan B in place and call that person for assistance. They can sense when we are playing games or trying to con them into doing something.

Valentine's Day is over rated. I would get a card or two and have the kids sign them and give them to him. I would have a spare card handy, just in case he gives you one...sometimes they'll give us cards and other times not.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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ccgrrl Offline OP
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Thanks, Job. That does make more sense to me. For the most part, I am pretty happy with who I am because we had a very supportive marriage that allowed both of us to pursue our true interests, often at the expense of economic stability, so I think I'm kind of in an opposite situation to most people. We mostly did stay true to who we were and both of us pursued creative lives at the expense of stable, secure lives.

The 180 thing has been a difficult concept for me from the beginning, because I don't want to be someone I'm not in order to save my marriage. I want us both to be who we authentically are and save the marriage if that can work. I think one thing I have done - which runs counter to his complaint that I didn't need him enough and that he didn't fill any role in the household - is continually expect him to fill in the gaps in terms of income, work, and stability when I was working to capacity. I now see that this is not who he is.

He never wanted a family, a set of responsibilities, a relationship with accountability. He wanted a romance that lasted a lifetime. Although he does not regret having our children, he never would have initiated that, and when we had our second child (2010), I think that's when a lot of this stuff started because I think he was disappointed that the new baby added another several years to the time in our marriage where parenting would be #1 priority and romance would take a back seat. I guess I was fine with that, but he wasn't.

I still need him to do some things, but that's not the kind of need he means. Like I have no idea how to operate the power-drill, but I need to hang a bulletin board in my son's room. I asked him if we had a drill. He said yes and then offered to help. But when I took him up on it, he started telling me how I shouldn't put the bulletin board up anyway because it will probably fall down and ruin the wall, so .... I don't think he is capable of doing any of the things I need him to do right now. I guess I should ask when I need him anyway, though??

And thanks re: Valentines... I will put a card aside just in case ;-}


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
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ccgrrl Offline OP
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I disappeared for a while because I felt like I really had things together in my head. I was moving forward with my life and things in the house with my kids were actually better than they had been when he lived with us, but here I am 3 months later and I feel like I'm back to square one.

Today is Mother's Day. Did he acknowledge me as the mother of his children at all? Nope.

In fact, 4 days ago he told me he is seeing a woman and that he would be going public with her. She has several acquaintances in common with me and I live in a small town, so it feels absolutely humiliating. I was not surprised, as I knew he would eventually be seeing someone. I guess I just never thought about it being a public humiliation like this. We are not divorced. We've only lived separately for 3 months.

To top it all off, he told me and then asked if it was okay to introduce the kids to her!!!!!! Is that crazy or what?

Anyway, after months of being okay, I can no barely function. I went to work the other day and completely lost it, sobbing for 15 minutes uncontrollably in front of someone I supervise. Today I lost it with the kids and told them how awful my Mother's Day was because they were just acting like kids do - sort of self-centered and unaware.

I keep thinking about this woman and ways I could humiliate her. I know that is wrong and not who I am, but I am really struggling here. It seems to be so strong, so suddenly.... I don't know what I will do if I see them in public and if he attempts to introduce her to my kids, I am really going to flip out.

Any advice for how to deal with the feelings this is stirring up and how to avoid doing something I will regret later with regards to the OW?


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
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Think about this objectively. OW knows his situation: that he's been married a long while, is STILL married, has young kids and is moving forward at break neck speed with adultery. What kind of woman would involve herself in this situation? A broken one. Your h is broken right now, he has no way to attract a decent woman because no decent woman would touch this situation with a ten foot pole.

She is the one who is humiliating herself, as is he. And if it's a small town, everyone will understand exactly what this all is. She is far, far beneath you.

My advice? If you run into them, square your shoulders, hold your head up high and don't show them a care in the world.

As for your kids, if he asks permission, my advice? Politely/calmly tell him no, you'd rather be didn't introduce them out of respect for the fact that you are still married and you feel it is disrespectful to pattern adultery to children. Of course you can't control his decisions but I know in the past he's wanted some of your approval and he's asked for it under some bizarre scenarios. Weird, but they are all odd in different ways. Maybe, he will honor your request. If not, maybe try to get your kids to a good therapist?

I am sorry. Their empathy chips are busted and they operate on emotions only.

Crazy as this sounds, it has nothing to do with you even though it impacts you so much. Maintain your dignity and be thankful you are not as broken as them.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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ccgrrl Offline OP
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Thank you so much for that, HaWho.
He did kind of ask permission when he was telling me about this... he seemed to kind of be asking me for advice on how to introduce them (talk about wildly inappropriate!). At first I responded in a pretty logical, unemotional way, but then I called him the next day and made it really clear that he has no business introducing them and I don't want them to have any kind of relationship at all or to have any idea that he is "dating" while he's married. We seem to have an agreement in this regard, but he kept saying how he thought it was "unavoidable" that they would meet. I told him I just don't see why it is unavoidable. She doesn't have kids, so there's no reason why the kids would just bump into her. It would have to be because he purposely brought them somewhere that she would be.

I don't know what will happen. My 13yo is already in therapy - not about the collapse of our family specifically, but I'm sure it is playing into his own adolescent issues. And yet, my H is totally in denial that this is affecting our kids.

I am just venting here, but I have a really strong urge to hit him as hard as he hit me by doing something totally unexpected like serving him with divorce papers. I feel like for some reason, unconsciously, I have been working to make this easier for him - I can't seem to stop myself from this, so I feel like I need to do something that will make him see how I've been really taking care of him through this.

But the reasonable, compassionate side & the one that is entirely focused on parenting is what keeps me from doing anything. I don't know if this is good or bad. It just feels so incredibly unfair to be the one taking care of everything and have him not acknowledge that that's what's happening.

I contacted our MC, whom we haven't seen for two months. I feel like I do need to be back in therapy and since she knows everything already, I'd like to talk to her. But, she said if we do this privately, then that would rule out going back to MC with her later. I kind of feel like my need to work this out right now is more important and I don't feel like I can do that with him in the room - I no longer trust him at all. I need to talk to someone (aside from my friends -who are wonderful, but not objective) so I don't explode again at work or let on to the kids how really bad I feel.


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
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