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A very wise poster who had a really tough monstering MLCer reassured me the kids will be okay as long as one parent is their rock. So just continue to stay tuned to your kids.

I know you have financials still intertwined and that is tricky. I know others have told you to remove your name from any credit cards. This, for sure you should do ASAP. And it's probably best to run a credit report and print that as a benchmark. If you met young and you always handled the financials this may be his time to learn about spending and he may think of it as Monopoly money.

Keep taking care of you and your kids.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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ccgrrl Offline OP
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Thanks everyone.
Financially I'm not terribly worried as he isn't showing any signs of that kind of behavior. More importantly, although the house and our main checking acct are jointly held, there are absolutely no credit cards that are joint accounts, which is helpful.

One thing that's come up lately is that it is difficult to talk about this with some people. I don't know why exactly, but I have been able to keep myself centered on what I call "compassionate pragmatism" through this. By that I mean once I was able to detach, I have been looking at things in a very pragmatic way, but also really trying to maintain compassion for my H. I spent 27 years with this person and I do not regret that one bit. We have two amazing children and we both raised them equally, so although I have detached, I do try to be as compassionate as I can be not only in dealing directly with him, but in talking about him with others. Some people seem to find this very hard to wrap their heads around.

In particular, my mother just wants to cut him down and tell me why she never thought I should have married him anyway, and just junk like that. She divorced my father when I was a toddler because he had an affair (and also was a jerk) and then she had another marriage that lasted about 12 years I think, but they were separated for 9 of those years. Anyway, she brings all that baggage to the way she sees this and I think she gets frustrated and thinks something is wrong with me because I don't seem angry or hurt enough.

Does anyone else have this? If it was just a friend, I just wouldn't talk to that person about this, but this is my mother, so we're pretty close and this topic is going to come up regularly. My H. didn't actually have an affair (although he clearly wants to) and really is going through a MLC, so I'm not that angry at this point because all he's really done is tell me what's been on his mind for some time.

I'm disappointed in him for not telling me sooner. I'm hurt that he wants to be with other women. I feel he has devalued our relationship by not attempting to work on it rather than dump it. But it doesn't help me to rag on him. How do you deal with other family members' emotions around this? Do I sound like I'm "too rational" or delusional or something? I'm just trying to focus on me and my kids and I don't want to be one of those people who lose their compassion for someone who has hurt them. Why should I not still be the compassionate person I was? What good will that do?

Just thinking aloud as usual, but wondering if anyone has any tips on dealing with my mom and others who want me to be more irrational and upset.


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
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ccgrrl Offline OP
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[quote=peacetoday]
The house was peaceful,,,yes it hurt and was sad but the energy in the house was more positive with him gone/quote]

Totally, the energy is different. I had a friend over and she marveled at how clean the house was. It is also hard getting used to not having a man in the house when you're cooking - so much leftovers now that it's just me and the 2 kids eating!

There are definitely some good things about it and I feel overall more stable than I did when he was coming and going and hiding out in his room.


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
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cc,

People tend to offer up their opinions w/o us asking for them about our situations. Our parents, especially, want to see us happy and not having to deal w/the constant tension and sadness that comes w/a marriage break up. Many parents do not understand MLC and want us to hurry up and end the marriage and, in some cases, take the spouses to the cleaners. Unfortunately, they do not walk in our shoes.

If your mother is offering up advice that you don't want to hear, then gently stop her in mid-sentence and say "mom, I am sorry that you feel the way you do about h, but this is my situation to handle and I would appreciate it if you would refrain from talking about my situation. If I need advice, I'll let you know, however, for now, I'm handling my situation the best way I can not only for me, but my children as well". Then change the subject. If you do this enough times, she'll get the message.

You aren't alone in this...many parents, family members and friends will pipe up once things start going south. You do not understand just how hurtful their comments are until we gently put them in their place. You are the only one that can stop these conversations, especially when they are so hurtful to hear.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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cc, I know exactly what you mean. My parents (divorced) and my two brothers seemed to continuously tell me how awful the W was and how I don't deserve what she is doing to me and our family. They called daily for the first couple of months, but at some point I gave the four of them that what if question...What if she opens her eyes and comes back to me? What if she does that and you guys are so hate filled that you cannot forgive her. That would then drive a wedge between me and my family.

I guess just as we have to lovingly put down some boundaries with our spouse, we have to also put them down with our parents, siblings, and close friends.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Dec 2016
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ccgrrl Offline OP
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Just stopping in with some thoughts that have occurred to me lately.
It's been just about two weeks that he's been out of the house and I am feeling okay for the most part, but our relationship is still the thing I obsess about every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up - I keep turning it over and over in my head. It's frustrating to still be stuck this way, but I also feel like I am learning a lot on my own.

As the dreaded Valentines Day approaches, I started thinking about the different aspects of marital love. Today I came to the realization that there are three parts to my marriage (and maybe all marriages, I don't know): the romantic love part, the parenting part, and the life partnership part (i.e. the part where you count on each other to be there through thick and thin, where you count on having someone to make decisions with, where you rely on each other financially, logistically, and psychologically as a team). All three parts feed into each other and when one requires more effort, the others suffer.

For my H. the romantic love part must have been the most important part. For me, it was the least important part because I always expected it to ebb and flow at different stages of our relationship. Romantic love doesn't ever remain consistently high in a long-term marriage; it just can't. So I was not surprised when it waned after the kids came along, the house, the jobs, etc. Romance requires a different set of circumstances than you usually have when you are an overworked parent. I think the romance part of our relationship went into hibernation several years ago, but I never worried that it would not return, even if not until the kids were grown.

For me, it was that last part - the part about being life partners that has been most important, and it is the part that is the most difficult to lose right now. That part, too, had been waning for a number of years as I took on more and more responsibility to give him the space to work on his music (I really did and do understand this, as we are both in the arts, so I do feel this was valid). Unfortunately, it meant my creative aspirations suffered, he was not all that motivated to contribute as much as he could have financially, and although he's been a great father and took on a lot of the child care at certain times of the year, deep down, I think he always felt bad about making less money than me. I think as the partnership got more and more lopsided, he felt worse about himself and I felt less and less romantic and less and less loved.

Right now, he's out there wanting a D. because he wants that all important romance again. And I have to admit, I think I am struggling against the D. because I want that all important life-partner part. (Both of us are in agreement about the other part- parenting - luckily)

Every single decision I've made in my entire adult life has been based on having this relationship as my solid foundation. I didn't pursue certain things because they would have disrupted the foundation. I missed opportunities and didn't fulfill my potential. I moved away from my family and from a better job market. I made do with less and less - so much so that when I recently went through some old papers I saw that our household income is the same now as it was when we were fresh out of college. And I did all of this willingly and happily. But it was contingent upon having this man be my rock, having this relationship be my rock.

I have no desire to have another romance and I don't think I could ever have a life partnership again with someone else, now that I know what happens when they change their mind 27 years in.

Just ruminating.... Thought I'd share this, even though I'm not sure about it all.


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
Joined: Sep 2016
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Hi there ccgrrl.

The last part of your recent post really struck a chord with me because I have had those same thoughts.

I wonder to myself how in the world can I allow myself to attach to someone on such a deep level when I know how easily someone can just detach and walk away. It is so puzzling.

I don't have any good answers, but just wanted to reach out and know you are not alone.

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ccgrrl Offline OP
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Thanks, FightOn. Obviously, I don't have answers, but I do think that when I look back at my 23-year marriage, I don't see a "failed marriage." I don't see something I regret doing. I don't see something that was a mistake in any way, even as I have given up a lot for it. So, I guess, on an intellectual level, I understand that trusting someone like that again - someone worthy, of course - could possibly bring me another 23 years of joy, new experiences, and wonderful things I can't even imagine.

That being said, I am still in this relationship, so I am not really able to take that beyond that intellectual concept...In other words, I'm not emotionally ready to do another relationship and I can't really picture myself every doing that again, but that doesn't mean I (and you, too) won't feel differently if this relationship does actually end in D.

To tell the truth, right now I can't imagine my H coming back and us recommitting to the relationship. I can't imagine having a new relationship. And I can't imagine ending our marriage with a divorce.

Welcome to my nightmare... living in limbo ;-}


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
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cc...you have to remember that you are looking at all of this thru normal eyes. He is living in some fantasy land that honestly will not fulfill what he is looking for.

I know everyone has said it, but please take it one day at a time and remember that you are infinitely stronger than he is. Be the rock for your kids and also remember that you have a lot of people that have your back.


Philippians 4:13New American Standard Bible (NASB)

13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 38
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ccgrrl Offline OP
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I've been thinking about the 180s and I'm not really sure how to go about that...
The things that my H expected from me were mostly positive things, so I'm not sure about doing 180s. Even now that we're separated and he is big into getting a D. he tells me I was always a good partner, that I always do the right thing, that I'm incredibly loyal, that I took care of him and even "saved" him by helping him get on track when he was addicted to marijuana as a young adult and likely would not have finished college. He also expects me to be able to take care of myself and my kids, to be a good mom, to be responsible, to work as many jobs as necessary to pay the bills...

I don't feel like I want to not be that person, which seems like what the 180s would be, unless I'm looking at that wrong....

Even if I were going to do a 180, like pretend I'm very needy and can't take care of myself, how would I do that when we are now separated?

On an entirely separate note...
Anyone have a good strategy for dealing with Valentine's Day?


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
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