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A Message from Michele
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Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: lt0402] #2724177
01/05/17 03:31 PM
01/05/17 03:31 PM
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ForGump Offline
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I don't think WW's want to see anger per se -- even if they say so. What they want is to feel wanted, valued and prized by you.

After all, isn't that why they went to have an affair in the first place? They wanted to feel wanted.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: ForGump] #2724181
01/05/17 03:57 PM
01/05/17 03:57 PM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
UK
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Woke_Up Offline
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I think there's a lot to be said for that, FG. Mine seems much more content to cake eat and not feel bad now that I have backed off, When I first found out and there was a lot of anger, when I first had her cancel her Skype account and she thought there was nothing she could do about it, there was more of a contrite reaction from her, mixed in with the resentment of being controlled.

The only time I have lost it badly since was when I saw she had sent pics of D to the AP. I made her delete the pic from the chat timeline, and she seemed genuinely(?) - well if not sorry, then at least understanding of my anger.

I think they want to se that you care about something, that you value something.
Passion, even in anger, seems to be more respected than passivity.


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: ForGump] #2724189
01/05/17 04:16 PM
01/05/17 04:16 PM
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PatientMan Offline
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When WWs see anger it's something they can use to blame YOU for the marital problems and confirmation/justification for them to wander.

A moment of anger isn't necessarily bad, per se, but it followed with doormat behavior is the worst.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: PatientMan] #2724196
01/05/17 05:17 PM
01/05/17 05:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Philadelphia
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Right, and MY initial reaction to the BD was, "wah! wah! Please don't leave me. Let me try extra hard to romance you."

Basically more of the same behavior that drove her to the A in the first place.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: Chris73] #2724200
01/05/17 05:40 PM
01/05/17 05:40 PM
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PacLove Offline
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
Right, and MY initial reaction to the BD was, "wah! wah! Please don't leave me. Let me try extra hard to romance you."


The problem is they aren't interested in that from you right now... it's seen as desperate and too little too late. You might feel better but it really doesn't do anything for the R. Until the OM is out of the Picture you really can't compete.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: PacLove] #2724202
01/05/17 06:03 PM
01/05/17 06:03 PM
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Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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"I read DR all the way through to Part 3 and also the infidelity chapter. I then went back and focused on chapter 6 of DR and also read the LRT section of DB."

I thought as much. The reason why you haven't been able to come up with a cohesive plan is because you're jumping around and cherry picking those parts of the book and here that you think best suits you. Doesn't work that way. You have to really understand EVERYTHING first before coming up with a plan.

Do that first.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: PacLove] #2724210
01/05/17 06:32 PM
01/05/17 06:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: PacLove
Until the OM is out of the Picture you really can't compete.

Learned the hard way on that one!

And now that OM2 seems to be in full effect I need to do a 180.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: Chris73] #2724213
01/05/17 06:42 PM
01/05/17 06:42 PM
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MrBond Offline
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"
Until the OM is out of the Picture you really can't compete."

The key is to not compete.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: MrBond] #2724217
01/05/17 07:19 PM
01/05/17 07:19 PM
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Posts: 469
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Philadelphia
Ok all. I REALLY need some guidance here. I know this might seem like a silly question but I'm very torn...

Kids are in bed, wife is out (very likely with OM2), and I'm trying to catch up on my laundry. There are clean clothes in the dryer. My kids clothes mixed with m W's clothes. I pull all the clothes out and start folding.

Suddenly, as I'm folding a pair of my W's underwear (sexy ones I might add, not granny panties!) I say to myself, "That b*tch is out right now cheating on me and here I am folding her underwear like an obedient cuckold!"

So I folded the rest of my kids' clothes and left hers unfolded.

This seems right to me. Justified. I'm certainly not going to fold her clothes when she moves out. Why make life easy for her when she's cheating on me?

But then I start thinking about doing the honorable thing. Acting with integrity and love. Being detached. This is petty. They're just clothes. It's my problem that I add an emotional emphasis because of whose clothes they are right?

Or maybe I'm just scared that this little act of rebellion will trigger more anger and resentment from her...

What's the appropriate action here?


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Re: My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment [Re: MrBond] #2724218
01/05/17 07:19 PM
01/05/17 07:19 PM
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PatientMan Offline
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What Bond said, and - as you have already probably figured out - the problem isn't the OM, it is you. The options she has right now are "not you" and why it is so critical to take care of what you can control...being a man only a fool would leave.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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