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A Message from Michele
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Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: AndrewP] #2724022
01/04/17 12:17 PM
01/04/17 12:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,163
Southern Maryland
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,163
Southern Maryland
Andrew,

I have to agree...your email is entirely too long and wordy. You have to keep things very simple and to the point w/MLCers. So, let's see if I can cut some of the words down and then you can decide if you like it or not:

W,

The car insurance is coming due shortly. If you recall, we opted to save up and pay this bill in one lump sum rather than go monthly last year. We have several options this year: 1) I can pay the bill and make no changes to the policy; or 2) you can obtain your own policy and this will require you signing a "Release of Intent" on the existing policy, whereby you are removing your vehicle from the current policy.

Please let me know by January 11th what you plan to do about your vehicle insurance.

You do not need to advise your wife that you've touched base w/an insurance broker. I think you are being generous in even considering pay the lump sum yourself. I, personally, would suggest that she pay at least 1/2 of the premium and that way she has a bit of pinch to the purse. After all, she's not living under your roof and she should be paying something to help offset the insurance since she is driving the car that is listed on the policy.

Just my two cents. She's not going to grow up as long as "daddy" pays some of her expenses.

Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: job] #2724023
01/04/17 12:26 PM
01/04/17 12:26 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,303
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Drew Offline
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W,

The car insurance is coming due shortly. Would you prefer:

1) We each pay half the bill and make no changes to the policy.

or

2) You obtain your own policy. This will require you signing a "Release of Intent" on the existing policy, whereby you are removing your vehicle from the current policy.

Please let me know by January 11th please. Thanks.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: Drew] #2724029
01/04/17 02:11 PM
01/04/17 02:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,991
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Thanks everyone. I do have a tendency to be overly verbose don't I.

BTW - the money for this comes out of a joint savings account that until recently W contributed to so it is "her" money too.

I like the idea of a deadline as well. Completely missed that in my original note.

I think I'll take a version of job's suggestion. Sorry Drew - your's doesn't sound anything like me at all, she'd be wondering who I was getting to do my ghost writing wink

I just got back from the bank finalizing a completely separate set of accounts for me (I know - it's been almost 10 months - should have done this a while ago). Things may hit the fan when / if she notices but I've got to be independent and even though she's not given me any reason I can't trust her as I pull away more and more.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: AndrewP] #2724405
01/06/17 06:33 PM
01/06/17 06:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,991
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Posts: 2,991
Canada
Wow. Post #1000 Wow. Nothing really worth reading or picking apart. Just some gossip and reflection.

Altair - I picked up a nice Chianti for this evening, a 2015 Gabbiano. Quite dry with a bit of fruitiness to it. I hope you like it.

I've watched this "milestone" creep up on me for a while now. I used post 999 to post to my old friend ForGump who needed some good words. This post, I'll keep for me though. I'll visit around the neighbourhood in a bit. There are a couple of old and new friends I want to say "hi" to.

I've gone back in the last week or so and re-read some of my older threads. It's interesting in that I still very much recognize the man who wrote them. He was so full of fear and frustration which leaked out at inopportune moments. One thing that he didn't have was a lot of hope. Well, some things never change.

There's actually been some movement of sorts in my situation if you can call it that.
I've removed W from SnapChat a couple of days ago so that she no longer has visibility into what it is that I'm doing. "Funny" how I found myself now thinking "gee I should post this to my Story" and then not doing it.
I moved some money around the bank accounts because of the new setup and W was checking the books a short while later - me watching her watching me watching her ....
I did sent the letter about car insurance with pretty much the text that job recommended (thanks again for that) - no response. I've given her to the end of the month instead of the 14th. Even that gives me a couple of weeks leeway to pay the bill.
Another mutual bill - for the car club came today. I sent W a note saying that I would just pay it. The $value is small on her supplementary membership but I wrote that if she wanted to do it on her own to just let me know.
I took a page from Coly23's book (Hi Coly! Grab a glass!) and sent W a Facebook Messenger message asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and that if she wanted I could bring her winter coats. She still hasn't come back into the house since June. I know, I know, she should be a big girl and take care of it herself and I shouldn't be "helping" her but to be honest, I actually want the darned things out of the house presuming that she's not coming back. No response.
Unusually for W she hasn't been on Messenger / Facebook for the last 24+ hours. Usually she's constantly on there even if not posting. No point in speculating why.
The last bit is I got an alert from the bank that a deposit had been made to the joint account and it was W "catching up" on "her part" of the mortgage. I sent a brief "Thank You" text - no response. The money that she is putting into the joint account, while not a large amount must be putting a bit of a strain on her. This last deposit was essentially 1 week's net pay for her.

Other than the usual rambling nonsense I just wanted to write another bit of rambling nonsense. I think a while ago that I've changed my journey subtly. I've "stood", I've "cycled", I've certainly waited, hovered and pursued. For the last while though, especially since the New Year I feel more like I'm "dragging myself along". Some excellent advice was given to me quite a while ago to take it one day at a time and to make the decision fresh each day on whether I was "done" or not. That worked for quite a while, especially when the A with OM was in obvious flower and while I myself was so very fragile. Is it Duty? Is it Guilt? Whatever it is, I almost feel like I am trying to keep Standing one day at a time, dragging myself along towards some invisible bridge across the Rubicon. Some of the items that I've mentioned above and a number that I've not bothered mentioning are in part me tossing stones into the river that may at some point become a ford for me to cross over. A lot of me does want to. The grass looks so much greener over there. Nobody would "blame" me either. In fact many people are encouraging me. I've been told multiple times in the last week that I would be an utter idiot to let W come back into my life. I'm really trying hard to make it to the middle of March - past the anniversary of BD1. I honestly don't know if I can make it but I feel that I owe it to W and our years of loving happiness to do it. Wish me luck and please, please, cheer me on if you see me falter.

Until then, I still have a few glasses of Chianti to go, perhaps for tomorrow with a nice meatloaf. I have a recipe that I might try a variation of adding some vegetables to a basic oatmeal meatloaf. The big freezer will be emptied this weekend - the end of an era.

PS - On a slightly funny (to me) note. I was chatting with a dear friend late this afternoon and asked why none of the single women in the office, a few of whom are certainly looking, had been making any moves. He told me that he has had multiple enquiries about me and my status but thought that most of them were held back because my "gravitas" was intimidating to them. I do indeed have a lot of self-confidence although I did always think that I was approachable and certainly have gotten some good laughs from some of the women I deal with both single and otherwise with playful, flirtatious comments.

Anyway. Time for a stroll around the piazza. Ciao


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: AndrewP] #2724440
01/07/17 07:29 AM
01/07/17 07:29 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,991
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Posts: 2,991
Canada
Slight surprise here. W actually got back to me after roughly 30 hours and while she declined getting together for coffee this weekend she did agree to an evening next week. She has "plans" this weekend. I offered Wednesday and she said she would let me know.

No expectations. But perhaps I can get those darned coats out of the house.

One thing I've often second-guessed myself on is in regards to the dynamic in our past relationship. While she was controlling, I was always the pursuer. I was also always the first (and often only one) to apologize. One of the files I cleared out was from our marriage course in the 1980s. We both agreed that was the dynamic even after we had only known each other for 6 months. Run the clock forward 27 years, nothing much changed.

So - has she been waiting for me to initiate? Don't know. Is she "playing hard-to-get"? Don't know. Does it all matter? Probably not. I can certainly imagine her "friends" giving her that advice and it also matches her personality.

Like others here I often wonder if she is "DBing" me. It is so easy to over-think these things and I often do. I'm at least not as wound up as I might have been before. "Knowing" that the ball is in my court as far as separation / divorce goes is both a easing to my mind and an annoyance.

Oh well. I have ground beef and pork thawed for meatloaf later, the bake shop is open again after the holidays so I get a fresh scone and a visit for my lunch. Time for a shower, banking, groceries and to get my fresh roses. This is the first full weekend of the month so lots of extra laundry plus cleaning the house from top to bottom. I still have most of the Chianti to go with dinner if any of you happen to stop by. My meatloaf is rather good if I do say so myself.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: AndrewP] #2724451
01/07/17 08:59 AM
01/07/17 08:59 AM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 215
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dream Offline
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Have you ever considered why she continues to make monthly deposits for the mortgage?

I don't understand why she hasn't picked up her winter coats. It's freezing out. Maybe she bought a new one.

Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: dream] #2724453
01/07/17 09:03 AM
01/07/17 09:03 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 38
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RE: the one day at a time idea...
Every night I take my wedding ring off and every morning I make a conscious decision about whether I want to wear it or not, rather than just permanently leaving it on. It is not something anyone else probably notices, but for me it is a way of being mindful about the fact that I am in control of myself and the direction I want to go in. More often than not, I put the ring on, but there are days where I don't - sometimes whole weekends where I don't. The choice is mine, that's what's important to me.


Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs.
S6 & S13
BD: 10/23/16
11/20/16: In-house Separation
12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me
12/29/16: Start MC
2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: ccgrrl] #2724475
01/07/17 12:19 PM
01/07/17 12:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 433
West is the best
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Altair Offline
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West is the best
AP that is funny about the coats. I found H's raincoat here. He actually left one thing here-- amazing!

I'd love to drive over there and knock on his door and drop it off-- I don't have the guts.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: dream] #2724484
01/07/17 12:59 PM
01/07/17 12:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,991
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,991
Canada
Originally Posted By: dream
Have you ever considered why she continues to make monthly deposits for the mortgage?

I don't understand why she hasn't picked up her winter coats. It's freezing out. Maybe she bought a new one.
dream! - Thanks for the visit. Yes - minus 18 celcius yesterday morning. She had a few lighter coats in what she took during the original stripping of the house but it's part of the whole package that I don't understand that she's not come back for anything. Part of me puts it down to fear which I've written about previously but I also don't understand. I'm gone for 14+ hours of the day, she has a key. I don't remember who it was here on the MLC forum that wrote "don't try to understand crazy".

As far as the mortgage goes I have two theories. The first one is that someone has given her advice that she needs to demonstrate that she's making mortgage payments to maintain a claim to the house. This as far as I know is wrong. As the marital home she should be entitled to a share of the tiny amount of equity that there would be. The other theory is that she wants to maintain that "plan B" and connection to "home". We can also ignore the fact that I'm still making her car payments which are higher than the mortgage portion she has decided is "her's" (Yes - I'm a wuss and didn't feel it was worth making a fuss about to force her to change the withdrawal). Before she left we did talk about expenses and she stressed multiple times that she was going to "do her part". The first few times she did it I ignored it. The last two I sent a "thank you" note. This last one must have hurt her a fair bit financially because it was essentially 8 weeks of "her share" paid retroactively.

Neither of these theories really matter though although I'm sure that presuming it comes to a settlement that the lawyers fees will eat up any money she put in as they try to sort out intention etc.

BUT - How are YOU doing? Did your wee baby and small son(?) have a good Christmas? Christmas with little ones is such a special time. I really miss it. A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family my friend.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna [Re: AndrewP] #2724493
01/07/17 02:35 PM
01/07/17 02:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 433
West is the best
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Altair Offline
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Altair  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 433
West is the best
*sits down*
Hi AP, aren't we glad we are in Italy and not freezing Canada? (signals waiter) You know what, I'm feeling like a mimosa.

I just had a sweet talk with a coworker. I guess another coworker yelled at her yesterday so she was all upset. She said, "The thing that is great about you is I know you are having trouble at home, but you never take it out on us."
That made me feel good, because I always do wonder if I come across as a giant, miserable mess, which is how I feel quite often. So-- you did it, you ended the snapchat drama. Question, because I don't use it-- Does she know you did this?
Maybe our H and W have run off together. Without coats, without a trace. Another thing that I will over analyze-- H was off gchat for over 2 months. He is now on pretty much throughout the day, I can see his little icon. Why? why now? I am always on there, I don't use it much but my online thing is pretty much on a lot during the day. Of course, I'd love to say hi to him but won't due to the "I just want a little more space" request. Anyway. This mimosa tastes pretty good with fresh squeezed OJ.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
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