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A Message from Michele
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Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: ForGump] #2724105
01/05/17 07:09 AM
01/05/17 07:09 AM
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Gordie Offline OP
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***Don't fuel her fantasies by letting her think that she can have her cake and eat it too. No, she can't go sleep with a 22 year old employee and keep getting all your love. Let her know that once she fires you as her husband, you will indeed no longer be her husband. You are not going to wait around and love her and serve her at her beck and call. You are going to move on and live your life.***

ForGump, you have given me awesome encouragement and advice and I appreciate it. What you write above is the truth. I haven't known how to express this, but in one of our conversations, I did tell her that I want to be husband and not her friend. I think she understood that.

***your situation resonates a lot with mine -- more so in the last few days.***

ForGump, Why so?

***About your wife's comment about you re-marrying first: obviously, that betrays her insecurity and doubt about the fork in the road she is wanting, dying, to take. She wants you to comfort her by saying, "Oh no, I doubt it'll be me first; you'll find someone great first." Or "Oh no, I'll love you forever," the subtext being, I'll be your second-choice and wait around forever in case your first choice doesn't work out. Maybe simply not responding ("not watering weeds" -- I like that!) is the wiser thing to do, but I'd be tempted to stick a small hand shovel under that weed by replying, something like, "Well, maybe. I might meet someone great quickly. Who knows. Regardless, once you let me go as a husband, I'm not going to keep living like one. I will move on and build my own life without you."***

ForGump, I'm guilty as charged. I have said in the past that I will love her forever, that I want us to reconcile...if not now, then in the future, that I'm not interested in other women. I say these things because they are honestly what I feel right now, but not responding seems to be the wiser, consensus approach.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: MrBond] #2724106
01/05/17 07:10 AM
01/05/17 07:10 AM
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Gordie Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Did you actually read DB or DR? You seem to be mixing up the concepts


I read DR and have a DB coach...but certainly agree that I'm not mastering these concepts...help!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: PatientMan] #2724107
01/05/17 07:16 AM
01/05/17 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted By: PatientMan
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Another question re how to respond to my W. Sometimes she throws out provocative assertions like "You will be remarried before I will, within three years." What's the right, detached response? I want to show I'm listening but I don't want to get emotional or say the wrong thing or get my answer used against me.


Those kinds of statement need no response at all.


So just say nothing at all?


It's a ridiculous prediction and she's likely making it so that you can reassure her that you are still on her hook. She probably wants the comfort of knowing that her options are still open.

But you can't and shouldn't say that. So say nothing.

Don't water the weeds.

-PM


In your first thread, you wrote something that I could have written:

***If I am a good man, a good father and a good friend, perhaps one day I can be seen as a good mate. If the latter is simply a bridge so broken beyond repair that it cannot be mended enough for her to ever cross again, then at least I will be a good man, father, and friend. And I can rest my head on my pillow at night knowing that.***

With the perspective of time, what do you think of that statement now?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: Gordie] #2724154
01/05/17 01:33 PM
01/05/17 01:33 PM
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That statement seems dead on. Thanks for finding it.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: PatientMan] #2724162
01/05/17 02:04 PM
01/05/17 02:04 PM
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PM/Gordie--

I have to question that quote a bit ... many of us here show up w/ wives saying "I don't feel attracted to you any more."

I think there is a strong conscious and subconscious connection among the identities you list:
- good man
- good father
- good friend
- good mate

If your spouse feels that you don't quite measure up as a mate, there is a good chance you've fallen short as a good man, father and friend.

Or is that a wrong premise? Maybe you can be a great man, father and friend, but the romantic/sexual chemistry just dries up after a few years, and that's to be accepted as a normal course of events?


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: ForGump] #2724180
01/05/17 03:53 PM
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Or something happened in the marriage that the spouse cannot, or refuses to, get past. Being a good man, father, and friend is something we can control RIGHT NOW, whereas whatever happened in the past cannot be changed, nor can we change our spouse.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: PatientMan] #2724185
01/05/17 04:02 PM
01/05/17 04:02 PM
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I would contend that there is something you can do to be a good mate. And it includes being the other identities (man, father, friend), but there are additional things that make someone a good mate.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: ForGump] #2724205
01/05/17 06:19 PM
01/05/17 06:19 PM
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"Did you actually read DB or DR? You seem to be mixing up the concepts"

Start with your list of goals and the actions and timeline that you are going to achieve those goals.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: ForGump] #2724236
01/06/17 02:56 AM
01/06/17 02:56 AM
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Gordie Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: ForGump
I would contend that there is something you can do to be a good mate. And it includes being the other identities (man, father, friend), but there are additional things that make someone a good mate.


Which additional things?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year [Re: Gordie] #2724239
01/06/17 03:52 AM
01/06/17 03:52 AM
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MrBond Offline
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What are your goals?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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