In less than two weeks, it will be a year since my new life began. I am still working on making the best of it. I'm not going to pretend that I am all better, that I am happily settled, that life is all flowers and rainbows. Even nearly a year into this process, when I am much, much better by any metric, it's still just hard sometimes.
So here it is, Christmas-time, and some tough memories have been intruding into my thoughts lately. STBXH ran away from home on the night before our 20th wedding anniversary, which also happens to be 6 days before Christmas. I spent 6 days, terrified beause I didn't know where he was, and ended up spending Christmas Eve in urgent care because I just couldn't hold it together any more. Christmas Day I got an email (!!!) telling me he wanted to live apart for a while, and then the whole mess just proceeded to go downhill from there over the next few months as more and more things came to light.
But it all started at Christmas-time, and it's been thought-provoking these last few days, to say the least.
This year, I am doing my best to go about my holiday season, being hit by all kinds of reminders. I was struggling a bit, so I decided to just dig in extra deep this season and do my darnedest to make the season my own again.
A couple days ago I bought not one, but THREE poinsettias, a Christmas tree, two wreaths (one for the front door and one for my Chicken coop!), outdoor lights for my two chicken coops, AND a Peace Lily!!! I've even been listening to eclectic Christmas music (stuff I've never heard before, so no memories - yeah!!!) all day today. I've been drinking Christmas teas, and
Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year, and I am digging in deep to find some of the joy that so eluded me last year. It's going to have to be a homemade Christmas, as all of my assets, beyond my weekly support payments, are frozen by the courts. I love to bake, and I have a few baked goods that have sort of become my signature gifts over the years. This year they will be all I have to give. That will be kind of strange because I usually go a bit overboard on gifts.
Time for this Christmas reveler to hit the hay. Tomorrow is another day. Good night!
Hello to Painter and Vanilla and SH and Sotto, and Cherry, and Grl, and Blu, and JimKao, and anyone else who has ever checked in on me.
I wish everyone a winter season of peace and healing.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Seasons greetings to you too. I admire your strength in dealing with so much over the past year. I'm so pleased you can still face Christmas with joy in your heart as it is a difficult time for us all to deal with as we have so many memories. Phoebe, you are an inspiring woman who deserves so much more. I hope 2017 brings you all you desire.
Well, I would absolutely love to have some of your tea,Silver Heart, and your scones would be most welcome, Miss V. I LOVE scones. And tea, too! Come on over and sit a spell in my virtual kitchen. I'm baking right now (that part is real).
Scrant, thank you so much for the kind words. I really do appreciate them.
So I had a tough weekend, just continually peppered with memories, not just painful ones, but a mixture of all kind of memories. Pleasant memories of holidays with family, memories of holiday baking and tree decorating, my wedding, silly little things that were charming, and then the memories that aren't so great, too. I wasn't dwelling, nor was I over-thinking, but thoughts just kept flitting through my mind like birds through the trees. They were all seemingly trivial vignettes, but I guess they've been building up.
I was skeptical that this would be such a tough time for me when my therapist mentioned it last month, and I was doing fine until lately, but indeed, it seems to be more than I was anticipating or prepared for. Saturday I was doing my human water fountain impersonation on and off again all day. This non-specific sadness kept rolling in and over me. I had company all day, and then went out to dinner with a whole group of people. I was busy, I was with friends, some close, others less so; I had a good time, but when I got home I just started crying again. Ugh.
Sunday I went out to eat with l-friend. We went into the restaurant laughing and smiling, and we were both having a good time. I wasn't thinking about anything, really, and then all of a sudden, I felt like I was going to start sobbing right there in public. It was the Christmas music - just the normal stuff you hear everywhere this time of year, nothing obvious, but it caught me with my guard down, I guess.
I've been carrying a single Xanax dose in my wallet for emergencies for months, and never needed it. Let me just say that I took it right then and there. I wasn't anxious. I just couldn't handle breaking down in public (something I haven't done since WH left) because of some nonspecific feelings triggered by seasonal music. I just wanted to be a bit numb.
Today has been good again, probably because I've been home and insulated from the whole, overwhelming seasonal associations out there in the larger world. You can't go anywhere at all right now without constantly being reminded of the time of year. Mix that enormous seasonal time stamp with the trauma of being abandoned, and it's no surprise that I prefer to be home where I can approach the season in my own, carefully moderated, way.
When I saw my therapist in Monday, that's what I ended up talking to him about for a little while - the idea that this season is so overwhelmingly... obvious.
That said, I'm loving my little homegrown Christmas, in my own space where I can maintain more control as to what I am exposed to. I'm only listening to music that is new, so there are no memories to be pulled back to the surface. I try to moderate the rest.
Tonight I'm baking my signature biscotti, and having a good time doing so. Bear in mind that I was baking the exact same cookies on the evening STBXH decided not to come home last year. You'd think that would be a trigger, but I've my non-seasonal music cranked up, I'm home alone, and I'm enjoying myself quite a bit. Go figure. Where was this calm on Sunday?
I've been slowly making progress on my chicken Taj-Ma-Coop extension. Today I got all of the rafters cut, using both power and hand tools, and that kind of stuff makes me happy. I'm a tool-using primate!!! Winter is coming my way fast and furious, so I'm hoping to at least get the rafters up so that I'd at least be able to use a tarp to cover the top of the enclosure for the winter. The sides will be enclosed with clear plastic so the birdies will have a nice sunny, snow-free zone when it's too deep for them to range around outdoors.
OK, I'm yawning my silly head off, so it's time for bed. Goodnight to all.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I am sorry your XH had ruined Xmas for you! I can see that you are a foodie, I immediately think that you are a person that enjoys life and knows how to live it:).
I don't know enough to give you any advice. I am right in the middle of the thick (can you say that...?), so I can only say I know it's hard, and its harder if you have a beautiful heart:). I was with my H for ten years, everything I do reminds me of the old him and how happy we once was. So I can definitely feel your agony. But you will make memory, good ones. Just keep being your beautiful self and someone (maybe your H, who knows) will notice. But we need to be happy with ourselves first. Because love attracts love, fear attracts fear.
Take care
Me: 33 H: 32 T: 10 years M: 2 BD: Aug 2016 H moved out Aug 20, 2016 S: 17 months old
SH, please remind me specifically what MR message you want me to look at because it either didn't get through or I didn't find the right one. If you could just quote it here for me, and help me understand, I'd be very grateful. And then we can break out the tea and scones withMiss V! : )
Hi Maybe, I am so sorry that you are in the think of things right now. You seem like a lovely person, and I hope that you also find some joy in this beautiful season. Thanks for your kind words. I am not letting STBXH ruin anything for me. I am digging deep to find the joy and beauty and love and friendship in this season. I just get caught off guard sometimes when I let myself relax into the season. I know it's normal and I just let myself feel whatever comes. I just wasn't prepared that it would be so stealthy when I have been feeling so well otherwise. It's strange.
I'm having a good, if non-productive day today, just puttering around. Music's on again, tending to my critter chores, chatting on the phone with my mom... My wonderful neighbor dropped by with WAY too many lovely Christmas gifts for me, and we had a enjoyable talk. I've missed her and was so glad she stopped by. I really do like it when people are comfortable enough tot just come on over for a chat or tea, or to see what I'm working on.
I need to do A LOT more holiday baking!! I have so many good people that I want to share with.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
