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SBJ #2724863 01/09/17 02:17 PM
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Good Afternoon! I have been pop'in in to see what has been going on with you folks.

with regards to your latest post. i wish that letting go of resentment is easy to do, it isn't. not for you or not for her. i am glad that you see it is something you are willing to work on to get your focus on the present instead of the Past OR the Future. i firmly believe that losing resentment is a choice. you can't make that choice for her...but you can show her how by continuing doing it yourself.

hey, BTW before i lose track of this, nice work on repairing the heating plant, so much respect for those who work through stuff like that. you saved your family a bunch of cash not hiring a service guy and you got the win. i am excited that you could feel proud of your efforts.

you are correct, I do believe you are holding yourself back. When it comes to making you the focus of your life and prioritize your happiness...It is clear you know What do to. It is clear you understand why it is important. all of your advice to so many others speaks volumes to that.

It is the How do I? How do i just start making me the priority. how do i just show myself that i am worth it. how? I saw a meme last night and it made me smile. It had a person with a spray can facing a brick wall. there was a sentence written on the wall that read, 'be with someone that makes you happy.' the person had used a spray can to cross out the 'with' and underlined 'you'. it was so succinct.

what will it take for you to make a leap and take a chance on yourself. I know you have dabbled in getting a bit out of your comfort zone over the last year - Seriously that is a great thing...but id like to read a post where you just dove right into something new and how it was one of the greatest things you've ever done. how it opened up a bunch of new doors of experiences, relationships, enjoyment, find a passion and let it run, let that inner Celtic Spirit Warrior of yours out into the world, free of the binds that you've put on him for so long. He could be a musician, artist, actor, athlete, poet, sculptor, photographer, singer, designer, brew-master, painter, gardener, inventor, Volunteer some of your time to some group or movement that you deem worthwhile...you can be whateverthefrack you want to be!!! Get your heart into it and you will be able to find the time and energy for it! It will pay you back

I think and imagine of all the sacrifices you made to try to please / satisfy everyone else. What if you didn't continuously downgrade yourself to do what you though you were supposed to do. how different would your life be...who knows right? I will tell you, my wife was actually mad at me when i used the whole 'I sacrificed' line a bunch of years ago. She said something to effect of, 'noone told you that had to be done that way. we would have been just fine if you didn't...." Just saying for some reason, we put restrictions on ourselves, lets call it a hindrance even. It is what we knew. we did the best we could with what we knew. It really didn't work, did it.

I understand all of the stresses and strains that we encounter in adult life, especially within a family and as a business owner. They are all very hard. It sounds like you are managing all of that well! You have pulled yourself out of that hole we all found ourselves in. Now time to climb that mountain in front of you.

There is sooooooooo much out there that you could try. i get all the reasons for why you haven't (cause frankly i've used them all)...i would love to see what you would come up with if you make a list of reasons why you SHOULD go out on that limb. Do you think you could give yourself permission to be fair with yourself, to help you with that journey on your path to being that man you want to become...to complete that template / concept that you have been building these last umpteen months...to becoming a better you (not just a father, husband, provider - the whole package)?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you tried?

I am pretty sure you know how to get a hold of me, so if you need...feel free to drop me a line, oK?

<sorry if the tone is a bit aggressive, not the intent...I was just throwing thoughts down quickly, didn't have a ton of time at lunch>


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Zephyr #2725714 01/14/17 07:04 PM
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FY and Z, thank ye for taking the time to reply.I will reply shortly bit just know I have heard what ye have said, I appreciate it and will act on it.

I had a touch of flu this week. Almost over it.

Anyway I am here tonight about something that I mentioned when in newcomers but still haven't mastered. We have two high spirited boys and lately our youngest (7) just won't go to sleep. Not only that he makes noise so it is disturbing. We have tried loads of techniques and different approaches. Regardless of the approach or reaction he could not give a d@mn. Pretty much his words!!

That is hard enough. But tonight (and other occasions too) when I am intervening my W will let know in front of son that my approach isn't working. I have mentioned this a few times to W. Not only do I find it disrespectful but more importantly I feel it undermines me with my kids.

Tonight I tried a new approach which actually was previously suggested by W. It was not working but I could not back down so I was trying to end the conflict and save face. Not an easy thing to do. W came IP and asked if son wanted to play in his room. I was too shocked and angry to say anything.

So now I am annoyed with myself for letting that happen. I am annoyed with W too but mostly with myself. If we separate one upside will be not having this sort of crap to deal with. I truly believe I can be a great dad alone. I strive to be one within our R but this shows I am failing.

This sort of situation and our general dynamics in general are not the role models I want for my sons. Maybe one day I may decide that it is healthier for them for us to separate but for now I believe staying together is in their interest.So the point of this post is to see if any of ye good folk have ideas or suggestions about this. I am eager to try to be the best I can and appreciate any comments. I will mention this incident to W tomorrow do if any suggestions about that would be welcome.

Rereading this I realise I am not angry but determined to learn from this.

roist #2725835 01/16/17 05:58 AM
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Hi roist. Like Michelle, I too believe your boys will be better served by living with both of their parents. Did you ever look into the assertiveness training we discussed a while back?

Better to bring up any issues you have with W at the time of the incident, not the next day, I learned. But there is a productive and many non-productive manners in which to do this. Training will help you get it right.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY.

Thanks for your reply. It does help to have your insight.

No I have not looked up a course. Well I did but didn't find one and I didn't go back to it. But assertiveness is on my desired traits list and I have looked into that. It is ongoing. I will relook at a course.

. Assertiveness is important and yes some assertive ways are counterproductive. My post was looking for people's suggestions on productive ways. I will look into it.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2725954 01/16/17 08:49 PM
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Roist - my understanding is that you sometimes feel your wife meddles when you are handling situations with your kids and then she inadvertently undermines you? Is that correct?

If so, (sheepish look) I have been guilty of doing the same to my h. One thing my h started to do was to tell me beforehand that he was going to handle x situation with the kids and he'd appreciate it if I left him to it. That helped me not to interfere as when I heard any commotion, I was expecting it/prepared for it and did not feel that knee jerk reaction to meddle.

Prior to this, if I did interrupt, h was polite but firm in telling me he was handling it and would wait until I left to resume. That worked, too.

For me, as I always handled the majority of issues, I think it was a habit (albeit an annoying one).

Perhaps try giving her a heads up even if it's a last minute situation?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2725963 01/17/17 01:34 AM
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OMG HaWho, your husband had better communication and assertiveness skills than me. I like your suggestions. So simple. And sure if that doesn't work I will leave her a letter !!!! Haha. laugh

Like you my W handles the majority of kid stuff. She works school hours so is there more. I don't think she deliberately undermines me, more so she does not consider me as equal. Little by little I am chipping away at this and things have improved but still a way to go.

Thank you for admitting this and for sharing what worked for H. I have on a few occasions let her know I am dealing with it and asked her to go.

I like the pre warning. At the moment we are parallel parenting and don't seem able to discuss it as a team. To be fair she does support me with the boys. But this undermining is one of my pet hates or triggers.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2725969 01/17/17 03:47 AM
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Zephyr

I was going to post on your thread but seeing as recently you only post here I will write here.

This morning I took some time to prepare thank you cards.Thus is the follow up of the work I did on gratitude. At the time I mentioned possibly sending 52 thank you cards.Maybe that was ambitious. So to start I am going to send about 10 now and I have the card ready whenever I wish to send another.

This is not to replace thanking people daily whenever they do something for me. No I willccontinue that and develope it. This us more to send a special thank you for something really meaningful for me.

To answer your question above no I don't know how to contact you off this forum though I know you did do so with V. I did look up your name and your Derby team once. Let me know if you can of another way.

In the meantime I will use this post as my thank you card to you. I have received help and advice from many great people here but you were one of the first to post in my thread and you were there for me every step since. I have already expressed my appreciation for your advice comments and friendship, but I could not do this card exercise without including you.

At my worst times you picked me up. When lost you gave direction. When hopeless you inspired hope. When alone I could always count on you. I hope you will be there as my path unfolds, but even if not I will always be grateful for your support over the last two years (well best part of anyway).

Thank you.

I have not taken the time to reply to your recent posts but I have taken note. And you will have that post you desired full of me exploring and achieving a fuller life with new and enriching activities. Watch this space.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2725977 01/17/17 05:42 AM
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job Offline
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One way to contact each other is via Facebook. A few of our posters have created a DB Facebook connection. Some use their posting names w/DB behind them and others use their real names w/DB behind them. You can always create a separate account in FB to get started...but that's up to you.

Unfortunately we can't give out personal data here and/or provide strong hints as to your contact information....I'm sorry for that because we use to do so a long time ago and it was very helpful until we had trolls contacting posters off line constantly and some other issues arose from the use of personal data that was provided here.

We've had a few posters attempt to post contact info here and they were either put on moderation for a time or banned because of the Board policies...so please be careful if you should go the route of "hints".

job #2725989 01/17/17 06:50 AM
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Thanks for the friendly warning warning job. Thanks for keeping an eye on all of us here.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2726433 01/20/17 05:34 AM
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roiste, thank you for the very thoughtful, thank you / gratitude card. it does mean a lot to me!

Now if I could have gone it on my refrigerator....

you too have been so very supportive to me on all my struggles these last coupke of years and have helped me keep my way. you have been a be considered of strength to so many (including many who have moved on from here).

thank you from the bottom of my heart. from me and me whole family!!!

Have a great weekend, you deserve nothing less!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
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