WAS or what 9

[Zephyr]

good morning buddy, wishing you a great weekend! sorry I have not been here lately. I am just not able to post, for a bunch of reasons.

was just going to say hi, then this hit me for some reason...

Maybe I am having my own mlc. Great that the two of us can get that over with simultaneously!! Maybe I am slipping back to depression. Idk. I don't feel depressed as I am focusing on a better future. When depressed I saw no future. At all!

we all go through these life changes. some can cope, others really can't.

there may be some truth that you have been going through something for sometime... with the depresssion and all that you have had go on within. it is how you chose to react, to cope, to manage, to evolve that tells the tale. you have not chosen to destroy your family or blame them for your unhappiness!

that is great. instead yoh look within to find what you can do to build a better you. if all men did this, the world would be a better place and these forums would be lonelier

the rejection thing...it is a doozey. one that I have not completely figured out how to get past. it is almost hard-wired within you, that your wife was your emotional anchor and now she isn't. look back hard, has she been treating you this way for so long....just subtract the physical or has there been a fundamwntal change in her interaction and treatment of you in the last coupke of years.

honestly when I looked back I noticed that the physical was the biggest change....that her selfishness, closed offness, etc. was always there...it was just something that didn't bother me or wasn't a deal breaker....likely because the physical side always took front stage and was there for me. I guess it suited me just fine.

or was it always...I wasn't there emotionally for her, i was always closed off and she tried to close the gap with what I needed, what she thought I wanted or needed and now she wants to be sure that it isn't just the physical side that we have....thst there IS more to our relationship than just sex. is that all I ever wanted from her...some women after 20 years truely believe that to be the case with thier husbands. are our wives trying to seek the answer to whether there can be a real connection, or what thier value is (besides sex) and they have to learn to find that.

what am i saying...maybe this is a good thing...maybe this gives us a chance to learn to love each other from scratch based on who we are...or allows us to see the real 'each other' More clearly. think it also allows them the space for the to grow. AND it certainly gives YOU the time and space for you to figure out how to meet your own needs, to figure out how to keep moving forward rather than waiting to 'get through this'. im spit balling here.

doesn't make things any easier. I love the physical touch and sex just as much as any man. your pain is deep and the rejection doesn't ever cease to stab, i am sorry that you have had this cross your path.

key is to keep the focus on you and your needs. trying to reel her back in is just only going to make her fight harder against you. you two both need some healing so make sure you are doing more than just surviving.

I look forward to your next year goals post!

[Zephyr]

or what thier value is (besides sex) and they have to learn to find that.

I also meant to say....this is especially true if these women WERE ever used or abused when they were younger. those wound are very deep and take a long time to heal, if they ever do truely heal at all.

[roist]

Thanks Z. Good to hear from you.

[Esame]

You know, I think your kind of situation is maybe the hardest. Together, but not really together in the same home. So you are faced with the reality of the situation and need to rub along with your spouse, whilst dealing with your own feelings about them and their behaviour, and the rejection.

I totally agree with Sotto on this, when you live together under the shadow of the MLC it is so hard. You are doing really well, and you sound like you're keeping it all together.

[roist]

Thank you Esame,i really appreciate your comments.

I am not as together as i seem! I am not spinning or crippled by my situation but I have my struggles.I admit my W is better behaved than most mlcers so that helps too. Living as a couple with limited communication and no affection/attention from W is tough.

But I have what many lbs would love to have. I am grateful for that, but won't live forever like this. For now I have another family Christmas, which is priceless (even though will be tainted for me) . This is the third one since I decided to save my M.

I focus on other stuff as much as possible. That helps a lot.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

roist, I can't imagine the difficulty of going thru all of this for so long, but I hope and pray that you stay strong. You have given me wonderful advice that I thank you for. Please know that you are in my thoughts this Christmas season.

This is my first w/o my W and I am relying on my my faith, new friends here, my oldest friends at home, and my awesome kids to help me thru the Holiday. I am sure it will be odd...the first Christmas in 25 years w/o my wife.

God bless my friend!!!

[HaWho]

Roist - it's so admirable to see the devotion you've shown to standing for your m. They don't make too many like you!!

In regards to the limited communication and affection, of course, that is all par for the course in depression. As for how you handle it? As you posted to me recently, we have to carve those daily joys out for ourselves.

Keep taking care of you and moving forward. If she joins, great! If not, you are savoring time as best as you can.

[peacetoday]

Roist

I hear your pain--and I know even though she is there she is not

Continue to grieve the loss even though you are together-and at same time work on all your changes-to deny the feelings makes it harder and we dent progress as much as we can-

some couples who manage to stay living together wind up back together
so the percentage is higher for you if you can get through

But either way the loss is real because the old M is over and if you are to reconcile-
it will be new and probably better

[roist]

Welcome to my thread Peacetoday and thank you for your comments. It is quoted many places that if a couple can stay together in many cases their R improves again.Time will tell. Keep tuned to see how it turns out. .

Wow. Thanks everyone for dropping by and taking the time to write to me. It feels good to be amongst kindred spirits and feeling understood. I feel alone in my M so feeling less alone in my fight for it helps more than I can express.

I do not like where we are at and am unhappy about it. But I have accepted it as being as it is. Likewise it will finish in time one way or another. This is transitory and knowing that it will pass is a comfort. I don't know if I will be willing to continue like this for long time. But we will cross that bridge later. For now I am going nowhere and my W isn't either.

I have asked myself (and reask when struggling)whether it is harder to be with someone you love but doesn't love you, or being with someone you don't want to be with. I would find the latter much harder to support. So for whatever her reasons, fair dues to my W for still being here too.

I could go on and on for hours, but ye understand. Thanks for understanding. I am okay. I am under pressure and stress from many things at the moment but I am wading through them head on. The good thing about that is I demote my M problems from my head space!! And when I get through this stuff I have many many plans, goals, aims and fun stuff to concentrate on. I will outline this later.

Got to go.

Best wishes

[roist]

I know this time of year is difficult for most of us here. The festive season tends to enhance/accentuate what we have. So if that is a lousy R/M it can feel all that much worse. I know this is true, so wish all of those struggling to dig deep. Ye will get through this hard time .

Make the most of this festive season and strive to enjoy it as much as possible. Look towards the new year and strive to make it a good one. That is achieved by your actions/goals so focus on that.

Best wishes everyone and happy Christmas.