Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[ForGump]

WH paid for the repair and since then has been parking it for me in the garage.

Some people have more intimate relationships with things, possessions, then with another human being. I have seen it.

[PsySara]

Yesterday I texted WH wile I was at work letting him know I was taking the kids bowling and he was invited, no response. When he got home he was his usual non-talking/grunting self and I asked if he got my text. He grunted yes and then said, "I don't think I should go at this time." Whatever that means. So I packed up the kids and took them bowling. They had a blast and the baby sat in his stroller and watched contentedly. Then I brought them home (after about 2 hours) and got them ready for bed. WH played with them a little and continued radio silence.

He is working today and I have spent my day doing the usual laundry, house cleaning and taking care of the kids. I noticed WH had parked my car in the garage so I sent him a thank you text which he did not send back a response. Later on some friends stopped by to visit and I was happy and calm. Now I am just relaxing and watching some TV while playing with the kids here and there. I am thinking of taking the kids out somewhere this evening before WH comes home, he needs to feel what it would be like coming home to an empty home.

[skyhigh]

So happy for you, you had a great evening with your kids and had friends coming over. That's GAL.
Taking the kids again tonight sounds a good idea.
Kids are the greatest joy on Earth (even as teenagers lol), my son is sitting next to me and we are watching his favorite sport (mine too). Just looking at him it fills my heart with love. Building those happy memories with them is so important even without him, it took a while for me to grieve the idea of the perfect family outing, but at the end why robbing the kids of being happy and doing things if one didn't want to participate. Now we just do it, and we are happy and somebody is starting to feel left over and trying to sneak back in the family wagon... time and one step a the time...
Warmest hug to you dear Sara

[Surfer]

X

Surfer.

[PsySara]

Skyhigh,
I would love to read your story, please consider posting a thread about your situation. You appear to be in a very good place and would likely provide a good blueprint for what works.

Surfer,
Merry Christmas my friend!

I spent the morning putting together a birthday gift that finally arrived a few days ago from back order. (for my son) My DD6 and DS4 were stoked and squealed with glee. Since everyone had the day off I took the kids to my mom's and they ate lots of food and played until they fell asleep. When I got home WH still wasn't home (either at work or out) so I put DSbaby to bed and bathed and fed the kids a snack. I sorted the kitchen and then took a nice, hot shower. WH came home during that time and again barely grunted a greeting at me. (it is sort of a rule for Muslims to salaam each other, he doesn't even salaam me back, just grunts) He did play a lot with the kids and it warmed me to hear their joy and laughter, anything is worth hearing my children happy.

Now for a bit of a confession, I have a way to view WH's online activity. I know this is a big NO-NO with DBing but it has been very helpful when finding out WH was cheating again with the same OW. I was very shocked to find he has been reading up on how wayward spouses should know about reconciliation with their betrayed spouse. He has NEVER done this on his own. Strangely enough I am not feeling hopeful or even jaded about this...just neutral. Before I would have felt my heart leap with hope but I am inclined to think he probably just glanced out of it and quickly backed away.

I've been reading some threads in the infidelity forum and how others finally learned to detach. It really comes down to validating back to the spouse. For instance:

1. I hear you don't want to be in this marriage and you don't feel love for me, that makes me sad but I accept it.

2. You felt I didn't provide you enough (fill in the blank) and that lead you to find it elsewhere. I am so sorry you felt so alone and unloved.

3. You tell me you want out of this marriage and I hear you, you can leave anytime, I won't stop you.

And you have to mean it. Really mean it. It makes no sense for me to hope and pray and beg and fight for this man. I can let go and also let go of the outcome. I will not do anything to push him out the door but I also won't try to pull him towards me. I REALLY need to start working on the relationships I have with others and strengthen them. I need to turn more towards those who are loving and supportive to me. I need to nurture those lovely people and in turn blossom under their bright light. I really need to take better care of my children's mother, since I am their primary support and consistency.

I have a IC session this coming week. I think I will ask her for guidance on mindfulness and how to be in the moment as opposed to ruminating over painful memories. I will talk to a friend of mine who is a NP in psychiatry and may get her to prescribe an antidepressant that works for PTSD and poor sleep. I will likely wean off in 6 months if I feel able. For some odd reason I feel so peaceful today so I am soaking up this feeling while it occurs. I also want to find how I got in this emotional oasis so it can happen with more frequency.

[skm0619]

Sara..... I have only been on the boards for a short time, but I have read your posts, and I am amazed at your strength.

Something you said made me stop and think. You said ....you need to turn towards those who are loving and supportive to you. I love that!!!! I also needed to "hear" that. I have friends who have been very supportive through all of this and I find that I am not really making much effort to be a friend back to them. Hopefully I can change that.

I see we have something in common as we are both in the medical field. I find that this requires us to be stronger for everyone else, and then we don't have anything left for ourselves. I am guilty of doing that. I'm not sure if you forget about the self care you need to give yourself, but I have a suspicion you do. Your children need their mommy so do take care of yourself.

[skyhigh]

My story is very long and complicated, sometimes with my friends we are laughing about the fact I could write a book and make that story as a psychological thriller...

I don't know if I am in a good place but the place is much better than before for sure. I read everything I could find on MLC, most probably one of the best writer is Jon Conway (6 midlife crisis stages) and Hearts Blessing, their description of the different phases and what's going on in the mind of the MLCer helped a lot.

Also after I caught him last time (May 2016), I told him I was done without screaming and I went 180 and dark when necessary, the opposite of the first time (June 2015) (begging, asking him what I could do...) he understood he was in deep burning water, I turned down everything and made it clear I could just go to step 1 (not filing right away and no more marital relationship) but he had to cut all ties with other women and a few other things... I knew it was my chance to test if he was serious or not.

He used one of his friends' home for his "affairs", we had a dinner with that guy a few days later, I did a "targeted exposure" to that person (divorced because cheated on his wife numerous times), I refused to shake his hand in front of people and told my husband (in his ears) who thought I didn't know about that "tell your friend that I know how you used his home", both freaked out. It helped him to go back to reality pretty quickly no more thoughts "I have full control over my wife I can manipulate her the way I want, she won't go anywhere she will beg me anyway", guess what : game over. It shook him out of replay, and he went into depression/withdrawal. It was a "back to reality", La La land crashing, oh my gosh I messed up (he didn't say anything but I could tell he was worried about himself and the mess he was in. It was a beginning of another phase...

Don't expect him to acknowledge you because it's about control/power, by ignoring you he is showing you that he can play with your emotions, so GAL and detach. Most probably he is starting to notice some changes and it's something that bothers him.

And for snooping, as far it can give you info to be ahead of the game, why not, my principle is: acting is better than reacting. Sincerely I was hurt so much each time something dropped on me I rather have an idea to what to expect. We are already victims why we don't have the right to have some warnings...
You are so right not to try to interpret what he does or says because as they say, don't believe their words and just a tiny bit of what they do.

Take good care of you and your children, good night dear Sara.

[JksD]

Sara, I have been away from the boards and I am sorry to read of the recent developments.

Your wh seems to have sunk deeper into the wayward fog. One thing strikes me odd though. It does take a lot of self-awareness to know that he is incapable of making changes.

I am so sorry for the pain you're going through. I agree with what has been said. Don't make hasty decisions legally. I always feel that you must and should go for what is yours legally, and then some. He is your children's father. He should be financially responsible for them. Therapy costs will add up to a lot and it will be good if he shoulders the costs.

You must remember that you have 3 kids and kids are expensive. Especially college. Is yours a no - fault state? If it's not, you may want to check if he has had any contact with ow or another ow.

Will you be at a disadvantage if you don't file for d? Weigh the pros and cons.

If you won't be disadvantaged, let your h do the work.

Sara, you're still having expectations of your h and that is why you are still spinning. I know it's hard not to but for your sanity's sake, you have to.

Step up on your self-care and surround yourself with people who care for you. You need legal, mental, emotional and physical support. Do you have close friends you can lean on?

Sara, you must take care of yourself first. Don't think about the M. Maybe you'll have a breakthrough when you let it go.

(((Sara)))

[Surfer]

Sara,

I wouldn't snoop personally. You can stay ahead of the game by just assuming he is cheating, you won't be far wrong and you will know if and when thing feel better between you. Snooping can leave you obsessed about it and that is attachment. Just leave him to it. The info has no value for you in any event. What can you do with it?

Working towards those 3 points is good. Letting him know you are done with it. He likes to feel he still has you there.....in his palm. Don't let him. Work towards those 3 points and release yourself from his grasp.

When you feel ready you can tell him. You could write the letter that MWD recommends in the LRT.

Keep on keeping on.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

Dory,
You are absolutely right, I must let go. I examine why I regress so much. For every step forward I feel like I slip back 3. I think it comes down to my need to feel in control. And as we all know, we have absolutely zero control over those that betray us, if we could we would never know the pain of infidelity. Also fear is a HUGE issue for me, I fear my children will suffer if WH is not in their lives. I fear my children will end up like my brothers, broken men who exist but do not truly live. But in the end I can only be the best mother I can be and pray it will suffice. I also have to lay to rest the fantasy I had growing up of raising my children in a whole home. I used to be so proud that I had found such a stable, strong and honorable man. I used to admire my husband so much. Now...I don't know who this man is.

Skm,
I can't take credit for the wisdom I typed, it was lifted straight from Dr Phil. Today I was struggling to decide which friends to turn to. I am very guilty of trying to always be the strong one. I need to grab the life vest instead of treading water until I sink.

Surfer,
I feel mixed about the snooping, I think I would have been much more prepared for dday #2 if I had a head's up. I would have handled it much calmer and controlled that's for sure. But the shock caught me off guard and I reacted as opposed to acted.

At this time WH has said maybe a handful of words to me this entire week. Mostly he just grunts when I greet him. While I find it annoying because it's passive aggressive I am not hanging onto his every reaction. I still have waves of sadness and anger hit me but I am working on re-framing my thought process. I got my NP friend to prescribe AD to me today and will start them tomorrow. Something small but meaningful I did today was back my own car into the garage. I have been too nervous since I scratched it and WH has been doing it for me. I figure if I am going to move on I need to start parking my own car, haha. I was ridiculously proud of myself after successfully completing it.

WH is on call until 7 pm tonight which is a bit of a relief when it comes to detaching. I have already cooked dinner, fed the kids, bathed them and put the baby to bed. Now I am treating myself to watching reruns of Game of Thrones and eating holiday food.