Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[JksD]

Agree with V. Your plans sound good, Sara. Just make sure like what V said that your wh has no legal right over the house.

[SH_]

Please speak with legal counsel as V mentions...most states have laws that anything purchased or earned during marriage is community property.
If this is the case it would not matter that it is in your name...he could still be entitled to half of it.

Please be sure you protect yourself.

[ForGump]

The best case scenario is that your WH simply does not claim any rights to the house.

More middle of the road scenario is that whatever equity there is in the house (probably just the down payment, since you're just buying it now), you have to find a way to pay off 50% of that to your WH.

Worst case, your WH doesn't want to be bought out, he wants to keep the house; and you have to battle over it.

[Sotto]

Hmm, yes I agree with V and understand how to protect your own interests before you commit to purchase. My understanding would be the new house would become a further marital asset - ie: in consideration to be split - if you guys don't reconcile.

Whatever you do, don't rely on a gentlemans agreement. Get advice - from your own L - and have things clearly specified. Can I ask? If you knew you were never going to reconcile, would you buy this house?

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

[PsySara]

I would be buying this house regardless of reconciliation versus divorce. I've been very careful to protect myself financially speaking and the paperwork is reflecting that. I've also been very cautious and only purchased a house I could afford if I end up living without financial support from WH should divorce occur. I do understand people saying to wait but then how long? Do I rent for 1-3 years because I am afraid WH will walk away? I have to live my life in the now. IF WH wanted to be spiteful there still is the option to take it to court and challenge the paperwork and get the assets split but in the end I can't live my life in fear.

On the daily situation, WH is starting to drift back to me again. I continue to have this detached feeling. But it's like I am looking at a stranger, I want the H I married back, not this stranger who still can't decide what he wants. I did decide to extend myself past my comfort zone today, I asked WH for a motorcycle ride. I thought his eyes would pop out of his head. I have always been fearful of motorcycles, I've seen some horrible deaths in the ER after a motorcyclist was in an accident. (physicians call them Murdercycles or Organ donors) But lately I've been wanting to try it out and see how I feel. So WH got on his motorcycle and showed me where to put my feet and how to sit and away we went. I really liked it! Afterward we went by the shop and I found a pink leather jacket that was 40% off and WH bought it for me. I was stoked, I needed to replace my leather jacket and now I have this awesome one that looks cool. WH seemed confused, he kept looking at me while I preened in the shop looking at my new threads. While I sympathize with his turmoil I didn't feel dragged down like I used to. I even started seeing if there was a motorcycle small enough for me, lol! (I am 5'1 and 115 lbs so unless it's a kid's bike it's not happening, haha!) Meanwhile sometimes WH reaches out to touch me but then afterward seems very confused. Yesterday I was laughing hysterically while telling a funny story from work and he was very pensive then said, "I haven't seen your smile in a long time, you should smile and laugh more, your beauty really shines." I thanked him and then continued the funny story which made him belly laugh.

Meanwhile I still have these waves of pain and rage (usually when alone and thinking about his affair) that hit me when I least expect it. I read BluWave's most recent post and have decided to just let these waves wash over me and accept it's part of the grieving and healing process. I continue to see an IC and have told her my goals of not letting the rage consume me but to make it directive and constructive. I don't want to live a bitter and wasted life. This weekend I am taking the family to WDW and have a blast. I've invited my cousin and his partner as well, I think it will be time well spent.

[ForGump]

What was the most recent advice from the DB counselors?

[DonH]

I thought Donorcycle was the common term. At least as a paramedic for nearly 25 years it's the one I heard the most.

[Surfer]

Sara,

I

haven't seen your smile in a long time, you should smile and laugh more, your beauty really shines.

I have learned to understand my feelings so much more. You WH is telling you what I have learned. The curve of a smile is the most attractive part of any partner. You can only make this curve when you really feel this (forget Acting As If). Do this more, it is so attractive.

But....,,you must detach more, by not caring so much (oddly - perverse I know).

Loving the update - low expectations my little 5'1" firehouse.

Surfer.

[JksD]

Sara, sounding strong.

Keep on keeping on.

[PsySara]

...and then I fumble the ball.

Had a lovely holiday at WDW. WH was happy and thankful and on the way home we started talking. I told him I am thinking of removing my hijab. Eventually the conversation spiraled into the affair and he again is back to telling me to file for divorce, that he is remorseless and I just need to realize it. He said he has no intention of doing the things I need to heal from his affair and he does not want me anymore.

And I think I am done folks. He even said I could have the kids and he would just...leave. I may take him up on that, he may be more of a toxic person in their lives than out of it. Basically he sacrificed their future and happiness when he stepped out of our marriage. He chose to follow his libido and base desires over turning toward our marriage and working on it. He again went into a rant about how I wasn't making him happy before the affair and that's why he found someone else.

I stopped even trying to argue. I told him that was fine, I could take care of the kids alone, I had already proven that to myself. I can give them the support, consistency and stability children need, he cannot. I can financially support them alone without it being tight. I told him he is welcome to walk away, I told him he was free to spend his money on bikes, cars, whatever. I told him he was not the man I thought he was and I needed to take care of myself and my children. When we got home I unpacked and then took the kids swimming. (I had promised my DD to swim today) When I got home WH was gone and I didn't even care. I fed and bathed the kids, laid their clothes out for school tomorrow and now I am taking a few minutes to relax. I will continue to take care of myself and move forward.