How old are the kids? How are they handling this? How is your H doing with the kids?
My daughter is 12, his son is 11.. we just told them a few weeks ago. My daughter was distraught, mostly because this is changing her everyday life. She calls H daddy, loves her life and our family, her school, etc.. she was also very hurt because throughout the last year H was spending a few night a week out of the house, and when she would ask he would just tell her that he had to work very late or help his friend. So she realized things were being hidden from her for some time. H's son was also very upset, but found comfort that at least for now, he still gets to have us all together when he's with us every other weekend, and while we still have the house he will continue to be here with us every other weekend, so the changes aren't "real" yet to him. He's also high functioning autistic, so he processes things differently. The kids are very close, they have been together since ages 2 and 3, and do not remember life without each other. She is very protective of her little brother and he has alway found comfort in being able to be himself around her, tells everyone she is his best friend.
H is saying all the right things to the kids, but not matching with his actions. In fact, he canceled on having his son for Thanksgiving so that he could bring OW to his parents. I find myself starting to feel more and more protective of my daughter, because I don't want to see her go through the pain of broken promises.
Thank you for those words. In my heart I know that him being so unhealthy is also causing my own well being to suffer. It's scary to think about a life without him.. I also know he has been the love of my life. Maybe he always will be, together or not.. but I let my love for him rule over my love for myself for so long now. I think I keep making the excuse of the last 10 years we've been together with his illness never affecting us, not even close to what this has been like... And then then I also think, how is it that he can be this unhealthy right now, yet he can maintain this relationship with OW and even discuss marriage with her... or is that another delusion of his illness?
It IS scary to think about a life without him in it. But it's been my experience that he may (or may not) return, or cycle back to you. And can be involved as little or as much as you allow it. But as you and I know, there is the potential that his illness becomes your illness and that cannot happen. You have to remain healthy for your sake.
As for the OW situation. I went through the same thing. Three weeks before our divorce was final, XH (in a manic state) started a relationship with a known drug addict and alcoholic. Bought two cars within the span of a month, and moved into a house into one of the priciest neighborhoods in our city. I endured hearing about how "great" she was and how their relationship was "healthy and things were amazing and how she was cool with his diagnosis and didn't think it was a big deal." I remember WAILING on my therapists couch for session after session asking the same question you asked. I didn't understand how he could be so unhealthy and unstable (and how it seemed to be only obvious to me) and yet be stable enough to have this (seemingly) great and stable relationship. My therapist very patiently let me go round and round until she finally slapped me upside the head with reality. She said that the new relationship wasn't healthy for multiple reasons, but that it was a mix of a distraction from reality and a byproduct of the illness and other unresolved FOO issues. She told me that the girlfriend wasn't healthy - and that it would fall apart eventually and that I would see.
True to her word - the cracks began to show about three months ago, and he's allegedly working remove himself from the situation.
Your husband may or may not be ill. But he has chosen an OW who has chosen to carry on a relationship with a man who hasn't left his marriage, and is doing drugs and perhaps other illegal activities. Affairs usually don't work - but factor illness and drugs and other things - and you have a relationship that will self implode eventually. But take heart - it's not about you. It's about him. It really is.
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I feel like I have wasted the last year, just contributing and enabling this situation. But you're right, I have to commit to boundaries, go dim, and protect myself and my daughter.. My mom has been pleading with me to start putting things in place to protect us, mainly because neither myself or H has filed yet. I need to gather my courage.
I don't think it's a wasted year. You've learned something from it, haven't you? At the end of the day - you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you did everything you could do. I think you've done that. I would encourage you to meet with an attorney (or two) to see what your options are. Do research and find an attorney who has experience with high conflict divorces. If it gets to that point, you'll need an attorney who can deal with the ups and down that this will bring, and will be able to help you protect yourself. You don't have to file - but you owe it to yourself to be informed about your rights.
I would encourage you to read the lighthouse story. Additionally - I would encourage you to do IC (if you aren't doing it already).
Best wishes.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
So both kids are with you at all times, while H is out of the house? In other words, he's abandoning his kids -- both biological and step-child -- while he's out with his OW?
Originally Posted By: MelBear
H is saying all the right things to the kids, but not matching with his actions.
Words are dirt, dirt cheap.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
So both kids are with you at all times, while H is out of the house? In other words, he's abandoning his kids -- both biological and step-child -- while he's out with his OW?
His son is only with us every other weekend. On those weekends he has been staying at the house, although not very active -sleeping in until late afternoon, not wanting to go out and do anything.
If he has plans with OW he will just cancel picking up his son for the weekend, as he did for thanksgiving. The kids were both pretty hurt by that because they were really looking forward to having the holiday together.
During the week when it's just my daughter at home, he will stay at the house 1 or 2 nights a week, sporadically, but usually shows up right before her bedtime.
He says once he is fully moved out and gets all of his belongings out, that he will only be at the house on weekends when he has his son so that the kids can be together. And once a week he will come over to have dinner with my daughter but not stay over. Who knows if that's even true. Probably not.
I am having trouble going dark when he is still partially staying at our house, and spending every other weekend here when he has his son.. should J stop doing things with him and the kids together? Should I leave on the weekends he's here? Should I avoid him the other times during the week when he shows up?
