After a roller coaster of a year, I am left at a complete loss. I can't tell if I'm depressed, angry, hateful, jealous, free, or still in love - among 100 other emotions.
Here's my situation..
With my H for about 10 years. Married 5. We each have a child from a previous relationship, and they are very close.
About a year ago, fall of 2015, my H began acting out of character. I will add now that he is bipolar, so initially I suspected a manic episode approaching, although in the entire time we've been together his manic streaks were never off the charts. The spending, talking about himself in the grandeur sense, talking endlessly on fixated subjects, up late at night online browsing and making "wish lists"... but then other behaviors like not coming home after work, disappearing for hours on end, bringing his phone with him while he showers, turning it off at night. My suspicions grew but he denied. Then he came home one day in November saying he wasn't sure that we were in love anymore and that he was considering a separation. He needed to go away, camping with his buddy for the weekend, to clear his mind and think... well when he came home it was the ILYBINILWY, we should separate, and that he would begin staying a few nights a week out of the house. I asked him if this was about some one else, and he said no it was about us.
Feeling blindsided, you might guess that I did everything wrong. Cried, pleaded, promised, cried cried cried... his explanation was so generic, and none of it true, as if he was trying to rewrite our history to justify what we both knew he was doing. He said we were having problems for years and had grown apart... not the truth. I asked him if counseling would be off the table, and he said that we could go after the new year, as long as it was with his personal long time therapist (that he sees for his bipolar). So I agreed. He also didn't want to tell any of our family. He said we would need our privacy and telling everybody would affect any possible outcome for us.
So I tried to get through the holidays for the kids, keeping everything in, even though it was really hard. He would say that he was staying at a male coworkers house on the nights that he wasn't home. A coworker that I had never met and had no way to contact. After I found out that this coworker wife recently had a baby I became suspicious that my H was probably not really staying there. So I started to snoop and I ended up finding a slew of the letters that a female coworker had written to him. All of the letters were dated and extremely descriptive. One letter in particular was dated the weekend that he had gone "camping". I was so crushed. Actually I can't even come up with the words to describe what I felt in that moment. Like my insides were ripped right out of me. So I confronted him and he reluctantly admitted, although maintained that nothing happened until after the weekend that he stated we would be separated. It was just really great timing for him to meet somebody almost immediately. I wanted so badly to believe him, I must have convinced myself that this could possibly be true. Even though deep down I knew there was no way.
I wanted answers. I went through the same cycle of crying begging pleading etc... he said that he would stop everything with her so that we could try therapy but that he would maintain staying out of the house a few nights a week and every other weekend. Once the new year came in therapy started it was a very long and strenuous road. Our session consisted of him talking and talking and talking, going back and forth on his confusion, getting nowhere, and basically The therapist trying to get him to say whether we were going to be working on things or not. My H kept saying he loved me so much and that he would always love me, and that he felt like he didn't deserve me. I brought up the OW, and the therapist suggested individual sessions in addition to our sessions together.
I kept going through that cycle of crying and asking him what he wanted. He knew I had nowhere to go so he played it to his advantage and dragged this thing out the entire year. Turns out, that what is quite obvious to everyone but me, was happening - he never stopped seeing the OW. The entire time. Even after found out, and confronted him, and he said he didn't want to try with us anymore, that he was moving out... he still stays at the house a couple nights a week... still sleeps in the bed with me.. we have had intimacy a few times, but the cuddling and affection has mostly faded off. Just us sleeping next to each other. He stopped contributing to the mortgage, which is forcing us to sell or go into foreclosure since I can nowhere near afford it on my own. His spending has been so beyond our means that I started snooping again... i found out he's been taking drugs with her, mostly ecstasy and a new street drug called pink that I never heard of. He has also brought this girl around his family and friends, and is already talking marriage with her.
All that time I felt so isolated and alone, and he was carrying, spending holidays with her and everything. At this point I have told my family, and everyone is devastated. My dad said that he feels evetythjfn was done deliberately by him as to facilitate living a double life for as long as he could... family life and kids with me, partying and single life with her. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too...
But why? I know the OW is about 10 years younger than me, and apparently "model hot" from how he described her to his friend.... as horrible as it feels for my marriage to go through this, it hurts so much more to feel like I wasn't enough.
I keep asking him if he is really moving out and if so when, but he keeps saying he doesn't know. When he texts me he still calls me "babe" and "sweetheart" and says I love you ... I feel like it could be just him manipulating me, but for what at this point? Part of me wants to just move away and start over... but why is there still a small part of me that doesn't want to give up on us?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just read over everything.. I wish I had this advice from the beginning. I literally did every single thing wrong. My only option now is to go dark, but is it possible to truly go dark when he's still coming to the house? Maybe it will help give me clarity on whether or not what I'm feeling is a longing for hope or if I'm really just grieving the loss of what we once had...
All that time I felt so isolated and alone, and he was carrying, spending holidays with her and everything. At this point I have told my family, and everyone is devastated. My dad said that he feels everything was done deliberately by him as to facilitate living a double life for as long as he could... family life and kids with me, partying and single life with her. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too...
Hello MelBear,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You are so smart to recognize that your husband has been cake eating this entire time.
You mentioned that you wished you had DB advice from the beginning. It isn't too late! How you implement going dark and establishing some boundaries is key to moving forward in a positive way.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I don't post anymore, but occasionally browse the threads. I felt compelled to write to you because I could relate to a lot of your story.
My XH left me in the fall of 2014. What I didn't realize, at the time, was he was having his first full blown manic episode. His mania manifested as pure rage, and a full re-writing of history. It was awful, and to this day I still get sick to my stomach remembering how he was.
While I've learned that mania presents differently in people - it does sound like your husband may be having an episode. Or this may be who he is as an individual. The crappy thing about the illness is wading through what's their actual behavior, and what's being caused by the illness.
But, what I wanted to tell you is something I wish I had known when I started this crappy journey. This gem comes from my therapist - and has helped me, A LOT.
Sometimes, people aren't healthy enough to do life with us. Be it mentally, physically, emotionally. Sometimes they can't do it. And that's ok.
XH is one of my soulmates - and one of the loves of my life, if not THE love of my life. I don't dispute that. And just because we are no longer married, doesn't make him less of a person, or less important. However, he cannot be my partner, my husband, and in my life in a significant way while he isn't healthy. It's not good for him. It's not good for me. And that's the bottom line.
Your husband isn't healthy - be it emotionally or mentally. The current relationship ya'll have isn't healthy. And it sounds like the situation is taking a toll on you and has the potential to bring you down as well. You can't let it. Yes, you are going to mourn. Yes, you are going to love him. Yes, there's going to be a small (or even a big) part of you that wants it to work out. That's normal. It's part of the process in grieving things that have come to an end, be it temporarily or permanently. I have a sticky note on my desk that says: "Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And then let it go." It's a process but it gets better.
Protect yourself. Protect your child. Protect your assets. Love him, but love yourself more. Boundaries. Put them in place. He will chafe at them, but it's what you need.
If he gets healthy, gets rid of the OW, and is truly remorseful and wants to do the work - then you can address it at that time. But until them, I would suggest going dim/dark and putting things in place to protect yourself.
--
I am sorry that you are here and truly wish the best for you,whatever that looks like.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Sometimes, people aren't healthy enough to do life with us. Be it mentally, physically, emotionally. Sometimes they can't do it. And that's ok.
XH is one of my soulmates - and one of the loves of my life, if not THE love of my life. I don't dispute that. And just because we are no longer married, doesn't make him less of a person, or less important. However, he cannot be my partner, my husband, and in my life in a significant way while he isn't healthy. It's not good for him. It's not good for me. And that's the bottom line.
Thank you for those words. In my heart I know that him being so unhealthy is also causing my own well being to suffer. It's scary to think about a life without him.. I also know he has been the love of my life. Maybe he always will be, together or not.. but I let my love for him rule over my love for myself for so long now. I think I keep making the excuse of the last 10 years we've been together with his illness never affecting us, not even close to what this has been like... And then then I also think, how is it that he can be this unhealthy right now, yet he can maintain this relationship with OW and even discuss marriage with her... or is that another delusion of his illness?
I feel like I have wasted the last year, just contributing and enabling this situation. But you're right, I have to commit to boundaries, go dim, and protect myself and my daughter.. My mom has been pleading with me to start putting things in place to protect us, mainly because neither myself or H has filed yet. I need to gather my courage.
