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Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: ForGump] #2723908
01/03/17 04:59 PM
01/03/17 04:59 PM
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PsySara Offline
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Here's the thing, there is no ONE true path. Every single path is different, turns and twists unique to the terrain that is personal. We are struggling through stuff that makes going through actual war-combat almost seem preferable. People understand that soldiers get PTSD from war but only the one's who've suffered infidelity get the PTSD of betrayal. Some wayward spouses have a light bulb moment when suddenly faced with divorce, others will simply double down to "prove" that their "love" is real.

I tried the harsh/hard divorce steps and it got me a faceful of regression on WH's side. However when I controlled my reactivity and presented a calm, listening presence (while biting the hell out of my tongue) I noticed forward movement from WH.

You know that WH suddenly dropped the D bomb on me yesterday, this was following a 2 week stonewall from him after I spewed some really heinous stuff. While I am utterly entitled to my pain and anger it does not serve my overall goal to let that emotion roll out in a rage filled way. Now I am back to square one. If you put a boundary in place, in a loving and compassionate way, then no matter her reaction you will know you did the right thing.

DBing is about returning to our true, authentic self. If that person is a compassionate and soft man then BE that FG. Take what works and is true, toss out the rest.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: PsySara] #2723913
01/03/17 05:27 PM
01/03/17 05:27 PM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 312
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100383 Offline
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Gump,

You asked what I respect in a man after I admitted I have none for myt husband: strength, honor, and integrity (specifically boundaries).

I've been reading a lot of inner peace material and several assert the concept of letting the pain be. Feel the pain, let it go through you, then grow and emerge from it. Don't fight it. Feel it, let it run its course. I knowse that may not sound comforting right now, especially with your time clock running out. But it's a way to let go and I've found it helpful. Otherwise, I'm afraid I would destroy my physical health with the worry. You'll prevail once you let go. At least that's what I'm thinking for myself.

Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: 100383] #2724080
01/05/17 12:20 AM
01/05/17 12:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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ForGump Offline OP
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ForGump  Offline OP
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Thanks Sara & 100383. Reminds me of an exchange w/ an old friend, who went through a divorce many years ago. He didn't lean on me at all during his divorce, so, now that I'm having all this trouble, I told him I felt bad that I wasn't there for him. He said it's OK because ultimately it's all so personal you have to bear to load by yourself.

It still hurts and I'm still confounded, but it's not half as bad as the first month after the bomb drop.

.
.
.
I said things are in flux, and sho nuff ... it is. It's too late for me to write that up now, but I will post soon.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: ForGump] #2724159
01/05/17 01:48 PM
01/05/17 01:48 PM
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Posts: 1,387
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ForGump Offline OP
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ForGump  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,387
W is filing.

First, she wrote that she loves me, just not the way she should (i.e., romantically/sexually); and she's sorry to divorce me.

She wants to D now, but keep living together for up to a year in separate bedrooms while she jump starts her career, and then separate residences at that point, with spousal support starting at that point. (The spousal support amount and duration she suggested seems reasonable). Her rationale is that a) we get along well; b) this helps mitigate pain on the kids; and c) it gives her some time to become economically independent.

I presume this means she'll see other people while we live in the same house. I know she will be discreet but I don't think I can handle it. This issue alone makes me think I need to reject this proposal.

Can you offer any reason why I should accept this proposal, or some variant of it? The only reason I might do it is to get another year of stability for my two relatively young kids. They will likely be minimally impacted in the short-term by their two parents co-habitating w/o a romantic/sexual relationship; but is there a long-term impact?

Even if it minimally impacts my kids, I don't know that I can handle it.

All of you who ever posted in my thread ... I need your input now!


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: ForGump] #2724166
01/05/17 02:22 PM
01/05/17 02:22 PM
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lt0402 Offline
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FG, first off, I'm sorry you're having to go through this my friend. You don't deserve this and this part is especially tough. Stay strong and keep on the path you've been on because you've done great things.

I don't think you can make that decision taking into account your kids. This seems like an FG decision. It's very selfish of your W to ask for this in my opinion, as she reaps all the rewards and suffers none of the pain. It puts you in a place to look like the bad guy for not suffering for the sake of your kids. Not a fair position for her to ask you to consider.

What are ya'lls thoughts around how the kids time will be split? Are those fair in your opinion? If so, it may be best to just go your separate ways and continue to be a rock for your kids to find comfort and stability with. You may find w/ physical separation you're better equipped to be even stronger for the kids than you were while being stuck in the in house S stuff.

I'm hurting for you right now my friend. I do know that whatever decision you make, you will make the best of the situation. Make sure you take yourself into account when making it though. You don't need to fall on the sword for the sake of the kids. The kids know that they have a rock for a Dad and you can make it work regardless of what your WW does.

Here for you brother. Strength and Honor as our friend mules says. Let us know how we can help support you through this.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: ForGump] #2724168
01/05/17 02:31 PM
01/05/17 02:31 PM
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Cristy Offline
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Originally Posted By: ForGump

It's hard to know exactly what the right thing to do is. Especially with people reporting that DB coaches suggest a sunnier, warmer approach; while forum vets advocate a more militaristic, austere protocol of detachment and cake-bashing. Maybe the wisest approach takes from both concepts. My tack for the next few days is to just listen and observe, to get a better sense of what direction my MLC/WW is taking. Then I will plot my own course.


Hello ForGump,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I see what you mean about the differences in suggestions from DB Coaches and many of the vets here. The common thread is that everyone has your best interest at heart. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify the best coarse of action for your specific situation.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: ForGump] #2724197
01/05/17 05:21 PM
01/05/17 05:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,446
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AndrewP Offline
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Originally Posted By: ForGump

I presume this means she'll see other people while we live in the same house. I know she will be discreet but I don't think I can handle it. This issue alone makes me think I need to reject this proposal.

It appears that this is your primary objection and is just an assumption on your part. Make it a condition for both parties.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: AndrewP] #2724198
01/05/17 05:30 PM
01/05/17 05:30 PM
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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ForGump Offline OP
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ForGump  Offline OP
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Why else would she want a divorce? We're already doing an in-house separation, and she's financially dependent on me. So, the only difference between what we have now and an "in-house divorce" arrangement would be to see other people.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: ForGump] #2724199
01/05/17 05:37 PM
01/05/17 05:37 PM
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PacLove Offline
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I know I found it very awkward and confusing while W was still co-parenting in the house even though she was sleeping elsewhere. When she finally moved out was when I was really able to better detach - for your own health and sanity try to find someway to force the physical separation. It will really help you let go and will allow you both to experience what D will really like. In some states they require a year of physical separation before Divorce for that very reason.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Re: Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6] [Re: PacLove] #2724201
01/05/17 06:03 PM
01/05/17 06:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
Detached from EVERYbody
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PatientMan Offline
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Detached from EVERYbody
If she wants to be divorced, be divorced. This halfway stuff doesn't fly for anyone involved, including the kids.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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