Lost in the woods - Camp 2

[Drew]

AHA - found the most important one.

Shut up.
My sin was knowing that I would be the 1. That was my pride.

Let it be yours.

a lot of what is keeping me on this path is duty and pride

That's not a bad reason, to keep you going when you don't think you can. Use up anything you can as fuel to keep standing as long as you can. Your goal is to outlast her, almost everything can burn to keep that fire going.

What Jeff didn't tell you is that his wife didn't even think about coming back until he was done.

I mean DONE.

D
O
N
E

It's all back there in his posts. If they survived the purge...

Just food for thought.

[AndrewP]

Thanks everyone - especially Coly23 for the cookies and hug. How did you know that peanut butter was my favourite?

I've been doing a lot of hard thinking over the last few days and will continue to do so. I also wrote a long letter to a friend who was a huge help in the beginning until I burned her out. She had texted me a picture of her Christmas tree and in my reply I mentioned meeting with W and then "of course" she insisted on knowing what happened. As always, writing helped me to gel my own thoughts.

CaliGuy - I agree with you. One of the metaphors that I am ever so grateful to job for is "baking". It is so very apt. When I saw my W I indeed saw someone who was still bubbling away, perhaps even more lost and confused than she was before. Unlike a good soup that needs occasional stirring, but more like a souffle I agree that she needs to be left alone by me especially. One of my big fears that I expressed many many threads ago was "how do I know" and "how do I help" knowing out that when (if) she comes back that she will be incredibly fragile. I am in some ways fortunate that she is still close geographically and that financially we are reasonably well off and can certainly afford to maintain the 3 households (W, S22 and "home") even if it is a bit of a stretch and some luxuries won't be had.

I tell myself what others have told me that this was indeed a single visit over a single cup of coffee and that it could very possibly be the last time I see her for some time if ever. She has I hope seen the lighthouse and I hope believes that it will continue to stand. I would like to ask though that my visitors continue to watch over me because I know that I will need a lot of propping up as this goes along. I honestly don't think I can do this alone and was indeed thinking hard about putting a "for rent" sign on the light.

I've been leaving her alone since coffee with the exception of sending her over the name of an IC that my own IC had recommended and mentioning that it was covered by our insurance. I was very careful to word the note so that it was in no way a push for her to get help, just passing information that "might" be useful. Perhaps a mistake? I got a "thank you" back. I have also noticed a continuing change in tone on her Facebook postings and some more obvious interaction between her and SIL2 which I've stayed out of. Since I know that she's watching me I've kept my own content reasonably up-beat.

I do have a decision to make that I would like an opinion on. We currently share an internet based book-keeping system. Plan A which was what I told her a couple of weeks ago was for me to stop updating our now somewhat messed up joint budget. I had also been intending on removing her access to see our household bills online - water, hydro, phone - nothing to do with her current life. I had not specifically mentioned this but it could have reasonably been implied. I'm thinking now to leave her accesses in place and just replace the current joint online budget with the new solo budget. To me, it really makes no difference if she knows how much I've spent on toilet paper.

To use a metaphor as I often do, do I close the curtains on the lighthouse so that she can't easily see what is going on, or do I leave them open. I've been chastised for seeming to be "too easy" go get back to but I've also been advised by people here that I trust to avoid doing things that might agitate her. Even though I do recognize that the W I knew isn't the person that I am dealing with, the W "that was" would have been highly offended by me unilaterally cutting her off from anything especially if I didn't tell her first such as was the case when I took over control of our Netflix account. She told me over coffee that it had sparked a panic in her that she had been "hacked".

Well - time for me to get this cat off my lap, have a shower and get my banking done and then start on the rest of my Saturday errands.

Thank you again.

[pinn]

I do have a decision to make that I would like an opinion on. We currently share an internet based book-keeping system. Plan A which was what I told her a couple of weeks ago was for me to stop updating our now somewhat messed up joint budget. I had also been intending on removing her access to see our household bills online - water, hydro, phone - nothing to do with her current life. I had not specifically mentioned this but it could have reasonably been implied. I'm thinking now to leave her accesses in place and just replace the current joint online budget with the new solo budget. To me, it really makes no difference if she knows how much I've spent on toilet paper.

To use a metaphor as I often do, do I close the curtains on the lighthouse so that she can't easily see what is going on, or do I leave them open. I've been chastised for seeming to be "too easy" go get back to but I've also been advised by people here that I trust to avoid doing things that might agitate her. Even though I do recognize that the W I knew isn't the person that I am dealing with, the W "that was" would have been highly offended by me unilaterally cutting her off from anything especially if I didn't tell her first such as was the case when I took over control of our Netflix account. She told me over coffee that it had sparked a panic in her that she had been "hacked".

Hi Andrew,

I would stick with what you told her already that you were going to do in terms of the budget.

In terms of part 2 of the question, might have been, could have been, might not have been, possibly could have been..."reasonably implied". Get the point? This is what gets all of us in trouble from time to time. You honestly have no idea if she took it as implied or not, you just don't. If you want to cut her off from all that stuff, then just tell her and do it, if not, then don't. Personally, I don't think this matters much, but you should choose based on what the heck you want to do and not worry about offending her.

[AndrewP]

Journaling.

A very busy day - lots of things to do especially as I do a big clean at the start of each month. During our visit I had told W of my plans to stop using the big freezer and to throw out the frozen fruit etc that had come to our house from her parent's when they went into the nursing home. W was OK with that so one big job is out of the way (I would have done it anyway). There's still too much to put into the fridge freezer so I put a couple of large buckets of water into the freezer to give it something to work on while the other stuff is eaten down - hopefully by the New Year.

I've been listening to Christmas carols all day and got the tree up. I chose to put the special ornament that we have as an "us" ornament. Originally I wasn't going to but Wednesday has helped patch the foundation of the lighthouse / cabin. I sent a bunch of SnapChat pictures to S22/D24 carefully NOT posting them to my story where W would see them. No sense in subjecting her to that pain / pursuit. It would just be cruel to knowingly rub her nose in what she has left behind.

Lately I've been avoiding "correcting" visitors to the cabin when they seem to mis-interpret what I posted. It rarely goes well. I'm going to make a minor exception to that here. On one hand I looked at coffee on Wednesday as a significant event that could perhaps lead to reconciliation especially since I think it went rather well. job had done a very good job as always of keeping my expectations in check before I went. I hope she realizes how very much I value her input and calm voice. I defer to job and Caliguy on their opinion that it was just a temp check though and have lowered my expectations appropriately. The quote from AmyC was perhaps the wrong one to pick since it implied that I thought that a reconciliation was imminent but it did in part match my feelings about courage. I am indeed very proud of my W for initiating the meeting. Having done a lot of reading as well as knowing how difficult it was historically is for W to face tough issues it must have indeed taken all of her reserves of courage to initiate that meeting which could have gone in any of several directions, many of them "bad" for one side or the other. I've always been proud of W for many things and I believe she knows that even if it has been an occasional source of embarrassment for her. We perhaps at times get so wrapped up in ourselves that we lose sight of what our spouse is going through. Even though W has hurt me quite badly and may indeed may never come back or I may move on she was and I hope still is a woman who has many things to admire about.

When I was out for my errands and doing some monthly banking for S22 the teller and I were chatting about Christmas and I commented that I had challenges wrapping presents but managed OK. She jokingly suggested that I just have W do it (small towns - everybody knows everybody) and I replied that W has been gone for months. A slight look of shock and an apology came back. I responded "it is what it is - I hope you have a great day" and continued on with mine. It's freeing in many ways to not have to hide / lie any more.

For dinner tonight "archaeological steak". I found a T-Bone in the big freezer of uncertain vintage so will broil it up with some water and have potatoes and vegetables to go with it. It's the end of the steaks now I believe. I'm trying to decide on a movie or a book for later. For Sunday I have to decide on if I want to take more things out of the freezer and perhaps make a big pot of beef soup. That might be nice even if there will be weeks worth of left-overs.

I was doing a search for some old postings by AmyC to perhaps share with a new visitor and stumbled on this where Jack_Three_Beans is talking about AmyC and the MLC process. Interesting reading. I'm currently only a couple of pages in.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=984732&page=1

I hope you all like the new thread name. It resonates with me right now. The woods are indeed dark and scary and a lit window is welcome both to those inside warming themselves by the fire and for any weary travelers who may be looking for succor.

[Coly23]

Hey Andrew, I would just leave W's access to the on-line budget as it is. I can't see it would make a lot of difference to her and as you say it is just household stuff that shows up in there. IDK, maybe you could start purchasing some different things to get her curiosity going!!

As you know, when I met H for coffee for the first time after going NC for seven weeks, afterwards I spun like an out of control top so I think you have done really well keeping your emotions in check. I think that first meeting after so long is always going to stir up some emotions so getting it out of the way does make it easier for subsequent meet ups.

Your freezer sounds like Mary Poppins' handbag, it just keeps on giving!!!

Have a good rest of your weeekend!

[AndrewP]

Thanks for the visit Coly23 and the feedback. That's the way I'm leaning right now myself too. For me, part of being a "lighted window" is to keep the curtains open and be completely transparent. That is also who I've always been. I try to balance that with not waving things in front of the window just to get W's attention. If she wants to look in, she can.

I know that the fact that you walked this road before me helped me a lot when I got my first coffee date. I think it helped too that I had already in large part "given up". As job would write "no expectations".

I had a bit of a lol imagining a hat-stand coming out of the freezer - I may have to have another look. That is one of my favourite movies. W's too which is why it was one of the ones that have "left the building" .

Well - on with my day. I've already been out for a nice breakfast, went for a hike in the woods and now it's time for a nice soak in some bubbles then laundry, ironing, sweeping, vacuuming etc etc. The village parade is this afternoon and I have the car out so that I can capture it on the dashcam and post to Facebook so that S22/D24 - and even perhaps W can watch it.

Thanks again for the visit and the kind words Coly23 - I hope you have a good day too.

[Westo]

Well I don't know what's going on, I've visited here twice and both posts have not shown up, so I'll try again.

I think you did very well in your meeting with W!

[Westo]

And now all of a sudden my post shows straight away?

What's that about? I thought one had to post a hundred times before that happened.

[pinn]

And now all of a sudden my post shows straight away?

What's that about? I thought one had to post a hundred times before that happened.

I think the admins can make a judgement call before 100 posts...

But this has nothing to do with Andrew... back to his camp fire...

[Westo]

I know it has nothing to do with Andrew, I just wanted him to know that I had posted my support of him but they never showed up!