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Oh for the love of... What is it about people from Canada and those who want to move there being stubborn as h@ll? I'm kidding, well partly. smile

To be beyond clear here, I was NOT in any way shape or form suggesting you get a girlfriend. Did you see me say that at all or even hint at it? As ginger and others clearly saw, I was only providing an example. I think you knew that too but didn't want to argue or defend the other things I said so you set that up, twist it around as if to then be able to brush off everything else - as in, see, this guy is giving bad advice.

You keep saying how you feel, you feel this and feel that. Well it's your funeral or your possible D. The concepts here are rather clear and if you don't want to follow them, then what's the point? What many of us in this h@ll "feel" is wrong and the exact opposite of what we should do. We FEEL we should chase or FEEL we should say ILY or FEEL we should do any number of things that will actually move us further away from your goal. A large number of people are pointing out things to you. You can continue to follow your feelings or you can do what will give you the best chance at keeping you M. These are often not one and the same.

Mostly I just want to be clear, I do not suggest you get a GF for a year post D. I do suggest you grow a set and be the MAN your W would be a fool to divorce. If you really think that man is the plan B in the corner saying, do whatever you want and I'll be right hear waiting for you with an open schedule, then keep doing what you're doing. If not, we are NOT the enemy here. We all want you to succeed. We want the best for you. But you have to start considering maybe, just maybe what you're doing is not in your best interest.

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I just want to say I fully agree with Don.

I think he suggested Sandi stopping by because she was a WAW. I, unfortunately, have the inside of the minds of WAW who have affairs myself. Not me personally, but those that are very close to me. I have every detail you could imagine, what is going through their head, how they wish their LBS would stop acting, and what they WOULD do. When they told me all of this stuff, I was like "wow, DB was so on point!"

We have nothing but the best interest of your M at heart.

From being on these boards for almost 9 years, one thing is for sure. Not one WAS wants to walk right back into the door to the same person or M. And it's not meant to be an insult. What my ex did to me was cruel. And I think I was a good wife for the most part doing the best with what I had. But I can tell you for sure, if he was ever going to walk back in that door, he wasn't walking back to the same wife he left. I knew that. And I wasn't having the same husband that left me. And that doesn't mean you are "unattractive" or "unlovable", it just means we are dynamic people who should explore other parts of ourselves.

Look, I know you don't like to hear what I have to say. After 9 years, to be honest, my energy to just validate isn't there anymore. I want to HELP. I also know that you feel like I must not understand something or I must be missing something. But I will tell you, if I sat between the two of you in your two hour conversation taking detailed notes. My advice to you would not change.

I am sorry if you ever felt attacked by me, or less than. Never, ever my intention and never a reason why I would take time out of my day to post.

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Ginger1, I believe that we all haven't necessarily learned the tough love approach...I'm working on it. Most of us are the fixers that have used a soft, forgiving, loving approach, but that has obviously not worked up until now...at least in my situation. Thanks for your hard-reality approach. Please hit me up on my situation if you see me wavering. I definitely need the 2x4 every now and again. AndrewP, CaliGuy, Vapo, Surfer, Job and more have all come by with their opinions also, but it is nice to hear from someone with incite from a WAS's POV.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Ginger - I didn't feel you attacked. Just stopping by to say 'Sup.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Can we all now please please please just get back to our regularly scheduled campfire?

Nothing to see here .... move along please. If you don't want to post, don't. If you don't want to read, don't. If you want to post, feel free - it's an open forum but don't expect me to take everything that everyone says as a script for how I need to live my life and don't be offended when I disagree. If you have a reasoned argument I'm open to it but don't expect me to just take your word. We're all adults here - I hope. Drat - now I've offended people again wink

Sheesh - already on page 6 of this thread much of which now has pretty much nothing to do with my sitch.

I had some things I was going to mention - some past wisdoms that people had been kind enough to share that I thought might be relevant that might have been worthy of a discussion but I'll just go read it to myself. People are seeming to be quite easily offended right now. I wasn't attacking ANYBODY - I just rejected Don's perceived suggestion that I get a NG to manipulate my W. Two pages later we have nothing but a p!ssing match.

Sigh.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Hey Andrew

I am not trying to pick a fight and actually think or hope that your comments above was not directed at me.

I did want to point out a few things...

1) You do not have to defend yourself.

2) You do not have to use the tone that you are using.

At the end of day, if you don't agree with someone - just ignore them or it. Really. No need to get upset and lash out.

When/IF you are comfortable with the path, response or action you've choosen for any given set of circumstances - then YOU should not feel the need to defend it. Period. It really does not matter. I've always said, if you (or anyone else for that matter) is comfortable with who they are or what they have choose to do - then screw those that do not agree with them.


FWIW, I am sorry that the comments have upset you. I hope you have a great weekend planned.

Just my 2 cents.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Hi Andrew,

I did post a response to you a couple of days ago but it hasn't shown up frown

It was along the lines of that Its all very well having a script in your head but very different when you meet in reality.

I have fantasy discussions in my head all the time about how I will react and what to say when we eventually see each other again.

But, no doubt it will be completely different to what I imagine it!

I think it's easy to offend and be offended by the written word as we can't hear the intonations in each other's voices.

I think you did very well and would love to here the shared wisdoms, even if you do so over on my thread. smile

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eric - Welcome back. I hope you had a good few weeks away from all this in the real world.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Woah. I see not a pissing match anywhere. Only people showing compassion who are trying to help. I also see some apologies from people who said they are sorry if they upset you in the process of helping.

I can't see anyone who has said they are offended by you.

But your perception is your perception. You are very clearly very sensitive right now...

Again, sorry if my attempt at help has upset you so.

(((((moving along and backing away)))))

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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
don't expect me to take everything that everyone says as a script for how I need to live my life


Ultimately, you get to choose how to live your own life. We're all just words on a screen to you offering advice or support or whatever else may pop up. Frankly, it's easy to give advice; especially when the results dont impact me. If you heed my advice and it backfires, theres no skin off of my back, but you have to live it.

That said, the people here tend to have been down your road or at least seen countless others go that way. There is a lot of incredible information available here and in the books to really get your life going again after a cataclysmic event.

Something that Id recommend you really consider.
On the one hand, I think it is incredibly noble and honorable to continue to live your life in the fashion that you are. To continue to love your W "no matter what" and to "keep the door open" for her while being treated as you are is an incredibly difficult emotional task. The problem is, (and this is what I think Don, Ginger, and Rose were trying to say), is that by making those things clear to your WIFE, it gives her no incentive to change her behavior. I think it's very similar to your son actually, because mom and dad are there to pay his rent for him, it diminishes the drive to go out and find a job, because there is no urgency.

Heres the real problem though. This isnt an act you can just put on for your W. Going into a discussion like this and 'pretending' to be accepting and completely 'faking it' arent going to change much either. As Don said, usually, it isnt until the LBS really believes it and starts living it in front of and away from the WS that theres really any movement. Im by no means suggesting you run out and find a new girl today, but I am suggesting that the track you are on is not one that will draw W closer

I continue to wish you the best

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